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Relationships

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Original poster

DH says he doesn't feel he gets enough attention and he's probably right.

76 replies

Hottypotty · 28/05/2015 11:11

We have 2 young children, he works full time, I work part time. I attend a hobby twice a week, he attends a hobby once a week and likes to spend time with his mum or dad in the week.

Dcs also have hobbies which they need accompanying to and we frequently have visitors for dinner and to stay over.

We go out with friends approx once every couple of months and as a couple approx once a month when we can organise a babysitter.

Dh says I don't pay him enough attention and he feels unloved. I do love him and enjoy spending time together but am frequently emotionally exhausted by children, work Etc. and he tends to take a back seat. I think I've lost sight of how to make him feel 'loved'.

He does his fair share of domestic stuff and we have a cleaner but I do the majority of child related stuff and tend to bear the emotional brunt of all things child related.

I'm not sure what other people's relationships are like and tend to think that this is just how it is when you have young children and busy lives.

How can we improve things?

OP posts:

S0mmer · 28/05/2015 11:14

I'd say "i know how you feel, you need to make me feel loved too".

tribpot · 28/05/2015 11:14

How can we improve things?

I .. am frequently emotionally exhausted by children, work Etc. .. tend to bear the emotional brunt of all things child related.

So how about if he addresses this, rather than pile additional emotional pressure on to you?

pinkyredrose · 28/05/2015 11:14

Tell him to grow the fuck up. What did he think life with DC was going to be like? Does he pay you attention and make you feel loved? Or does he just whine that his needs aren't being met?

pocketsaviour · 28/05/2015 11:18

Has he been specific about what would make him feel more connected with you?

It's all very well saying "I want more attention" but he needs to say what this looks like to him. More date nights? More time for adult conversation?

It sounds like you both spend 2 evenings a week doing your own thing - what if you were to cut this down (equally) so that you had two more evenings a week together?

Zillie77 · 28/05/2015 11:21

Are you two having sex regularly? I know that in my relationship that helps both of us feel close and attended to, even in the busiest of times.

maras2 · 28/05/2015 11:23

OMG What a big baby.Not only does he still want mummy and daddy love and attention but extra from you?Not very attractive is it?

hellsbellsmelons · 28/05/2015 11:26

So how about if he addresses this, rather than pile additional emotional pressure on to you?

^^ THIS - WITH BELLS ON ^^^

Zillie77 · 28/05/2015 11:28

When my husband and I go to bed, I give him a backrub, every night, before we fall asleep. That has been another nice was for us to reconnect at the end of a busy day.

We both work, and have four kids. Ours are teenagers now, so things are easier. You are in a tough stage, both working, young kids, but things like regular sex and little backrubs each night don't take much time.

GrumpleMe · 28/05/2015 11:33

Some harsh responses. We expect our partners to come and talk to us if they have a problem with the relationship, then tell them to grow the fuck up when they do?

If you're struggling for time, things need to be equalised. Can he do more, you do less - to free up time to spend together?

GoatsDoRoam · 28/05/2015 11:33

Does he make you feel loved?

pinkyredrose · 28/05/2015 11:37

zillie does your DH give you a backrub too?

luckiestgirlintheworld · 28/05/2015 11:38

Oh I really disagree with how people are responding. I think it would be easy for you guys to make each other feel loved again. It's good that he's voiced how he's feeling before it causes problems.
I think it could be quite easy and just involve little changes- things like going to give him a kiss and cuddle when he gets home from work, and properly looking in his eye and being interested when he talks about how his day is.
(Eek that sounds very 1950's housewife! Obviously he should be returning all of these to you too)
Or spending ten minutes having a cuddle in bed at the end of each night and talking.
Or noticing and appreciating small things about each other. Just pick something that he does that you like, and tell him you like it.

I don't think it would take much to stop him feeling unloved- I think we just lose that habit sometimes when we've been together years.

CloserToFiftyThanTwenty · 28/05/2015 11:42

Sounds like you are both very busy, partly through circumstances (children, work) and partly through choices you could make differently (hobbies, socialising). Not a huge amount of time for you two to just "be"

However it's a bit vague - has he explained a bit more what he means? Eg that you never share small intimacies like a kiss goodbye? That you only email him if it's about the kids? That you use a harsh tone of voice to speak to him? That you never have sex?

honeyroar · 28/05/2015 11:47

Could you both drop a hobby night once a fortnight and go out for a date? My parents lived lives like that when I was young, babysitting while the other went off and did their hobbies. By the time we were teenagers they'd got out of the habit of doing things together, ten years after that they divorced, saying they had drifted apart. My mum now says looking back she'd have put a bit more effort into them as a couple too - that hobbies should have come third (children, marriage, hobbies).

iamadaftcoo · 28/05/2015 11:48

I never understand these threads, having young DC doesn't necessarily mean you have to put your relationship on the back burner until they're older . I also agree with the PP who said we expect our partners to say something if they're unhappy - this DH did and now you are all saying he should just be told to grow up! Fair enough if he's just whinging with no solution but I don't see why something can't be done to address how he feels if he's being reasonable and not sulking.

Do you feel unloved too OP? Or have you been feeling ok? I agree men can be babies about wanting attention, but on MN there seems to be a general consensus that they should just shut up and put up with it.

Zillie77 · 28/05/2015 11:58

Goats-I am not a fan of backrubs the way he is, but he does many other sweet things for me which help me feel cherished and loved.

Zillie77 · 28/05/2015 12:04

My husband and I rarely go out for dates, but we have "dates", where we go hang out in a room together, sans children, and watch tv or talk. We have a special "date snack" we have and it often ends in a quickie. The whole shebang takes between 45 minutes to an hour and we have really come to look forward to these little dates. We do this three or four times a week.

peggyundercrackers · 28/05/2015 12:06

i wonder what the response would be if OP came on here and said my DH said I had to grow the fuck up and suck it up and get on with it. unbelievable responses.

I suspect the answer is you cant have it all. you cant have a busy social life and work full time and have young kids and expect to be at it like rabbits all the time. both your lives have changed and I think you all need to make sacrifices to make life work as a family making sure everyone is happy.

Zillie77 · 28/05/2015 12:07

Woops, I meant to address my previous post to pink, not goats!

I also want to add that my husband and I do not have any out-of-house hobbies at all. We are either at work, home, or running errands. That is a choice we made early on.

Thurlow · 28/05/2015 12:19

It sounds perfectly fair for him to say that he's feeling unloved and would like more attention. There's nothing wrong with that. You sound like you have busy lives and sometimes the first thing to slip is the time you spend with your partner.

Sit down - or go out for dinner - and have an honest and open conversation about it. You can acknowledge how he feels and say you want to make it better, but that X and Y about the children/childcare make you tired and busy. It might be that there is something he can do to help with that, though it is hard to know whether these are practical things, or just worries (some people just worry more about their kids, and there's little the other parent can do to help with that)

As a complete stranger's first glance, I would say that going to do a hobby twice a week is slightly prioritising your interests over your relationship. You seem to say yourself that you aware this has happened and things had slid recently. It happens to the best couples if they don't have a chance to put time and effort in occasionally. That's just a view from a few paragraph OP, but if you are busy with work, kids and hobby and your partner feels your relationship is suffering because of that, then something somewhere has to give a little bit.

TendonQueen · 28/05/2015 12:29

Does he make you feel loved?

Has he given any specific instances of things that would make him feel more loved? I'd be more sympathetic if these were reasonable, ie not 'more blow jobs but without letting household standards slip'

TheMagnificientFour · 28/05/2015 12:30

I don't agree with a lot of the posts tbh.

He came to see the OP and said he is feeling unloved. From what the OP said, there is no way to know whether he expets things to be just like they were before dc and get plenty of attention from the OP (sex, cuddles, date nights etc...) or if he is really chipping in and feels unloved because basically the OP doesn't give him any attention at all.

I also think that being tired/exhausted/emotionally exhausted when yoou have yund dcs isn't a competition and asnwering to him voiving his feelings with 'well I'm emotionally exhausted too. Just get on with it' is an appropriate answer. Imagine if things were the other way around and the OP was a man and it's his DW who was complaining. None would come back with that sort of answer!

On the grounds that he is actually feeling unloved and nothing else is going on, I would say:

you need to ask him what he means by that and what would make him feel more 'loved'. Is it more sex, more cuddles, more intimacy (not in a sex pov, but in a talking about the future, your own feelings type of things)?
check if he would like to just spend more time with you (if you go out two evenings a week for your hobby, him one evening and then have friends around etc... how much time are you spending together apart from the 'date night'?)
Start by little things that actually aren't that draining but are HUGE re feeling loved. ie little touches during the day (his arms or whatever), a kiss when he comes back home, asking him if he wants a cup of tea if you make one etc...
Spend a few minues checking with him how his day went and listen to him (and expect the same in return)
Address any potential issues that are making it hard for you to have that 'space' such as sharing the child related stuff more

motherinferior · 28/05/2015 12:31

I agree men can be babies about wanting attention,

Eh???

theaftermath · 28/05/2015 12:41

Wow.... The poor DHs who get told to "grow the fuck up" when they go to talk to their DWs.... Wouldn't surprise me if these are the guys who end up having affairs with such horrible wives who won't make time for them or listen to their feelings.

OP.... Great that your DH can be so open with you. I agree with people who are suggesting ask him what you could do to make him feel more loved. Do you feel loved? Perhaps it's a good chance for you both to reassess what you need for each other and to pave a better way to am even stronger relationship.

Good luck

onereminder · 28/05/2015 12:51

You know those posts where husbands cheat because they say their wife no longer understands them, or they no longer feel loved?

And then people on here say: "Well if that's the case he should have told you and tried to resolve it before shagging someone else?"

Here is a man that's done just that, and he's being slated.

He works full-time, he's doing his "fair share" of domestic duties, and he's voicing a concern about a part of a relationship he feels can be improved.

Good on hottypotty for taking it into account in a serious way.

As for those bashing the fella for not sucking it up and being silently unhappy? Just don't come running to me when you find your bloke wants out.

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