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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH says he doesn't feel he gets enough attention and he's probably right.

76 replies

Hottypotty · 28/05/2015 11:11

We have 2 young children, he works full time, I work part time. I attend a hobby twice a week, he attends a hobby once a week and likes to spend time with his mum or dad in the week.

Dcs also have hobbies which they need accompanying to and we frequently have visitors for dinner and to stay over.

We go out with friends approx once every couple of months and as a couple approx once a month when we can organise a babysitter.

Dh says I don't pay him enough attention and he feels unloved. I do love him and enjoy spending time together but am frequently emotionally exhausted by children, work Etc. and he tends to take a back seat. I think I've lost sight of how to make him feel 'loved'.

He does his fair share of domestic stuff and we have a cleaner but I do the majority of child related stuff and tend to bear the emotional brunt of all things child related.

I'm not sure what other people's relationships are like and tend to think that this is just how it is when you have young children and busy lives.

How can we improve things?

OP posts:

HFarnsworth · 28/05/2015 16:26

If there is work pressure, do you think a couple of week's break might help, so that you can both get a breather?

He does need to be reasonable and this really mustn't become just another problem that you have to solve on your own.

I would definitely agree with this - just passing strain from one person to another doesn't help the relationship.

You sound very concerned and supportive, and I think that's it's unfortunate, however understandable, that this has been framed so you feel you are at fault. It may be just that he is at a low ebb with one thing and another, and wanted to express this.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 28/05/2015 17:36

'He doesn't get enough attention' - does make him sound...needy. His lack of any ideas/solutions makes it sound like you are the mummy in the relationship.

When dh or I feel we're not connected as much as we'd like, we book up a babysitter, a day or night away, allocate more time for each other, but each other fav stuff, text email eye contact Etc etc.
is this what he actually means?!?!

Thisishowyoudisappear · 28/05/2015 17:49

DH and I sit down with our diaries so we can see what we have coming up, and we put in free days/weekends together, sometimes to do eg gardening or shopping, sometimes just to spend time together. At first it felt odd to do this but it really works and I think makes us both feel valued.

We don't have DC which obviously gives us a lot more free time, he works FT with long hours and a long commute and I work PT but often including weekends, and we have quite a lot of other commitments. It helps to be able to see time blocked out in the diary and say no to things.

I grew up in a family where my parents' relationship with each other always seemed to be bottom of the priority list. Not surprisingly they are no longer together. I think it's a good sign that your DH is talking to you about this. My DF had an affair and left!

TendonQueen · 28/05/2015 18:51

If he'd like sex to be more 'spontaneous and romantic' is he going to put effort into that as well as you? That's not in itself unreasonable (though challenging with small kids) but it shouldn't just come down to you dropping money on new underwear. He could book a hotel for you, get his parents to babysit one night then meet you from work to announce he's whisking you away for a night of romance (and sex ) What I'm saying is, it's fine for him to raise a problem but it should be both of you looking at ways to fix it, and this is something he could do/have done.

TheMagnificientFour · 28/05/2015 18:59

OP before implementing anything, I would REALLY encourage you to ask him what he means by feeling unloved and what he woudl like to see changing.

By that, I mean that not everyone gives the same meaning to 'feeling loved'. Some like gifts, some like cuddles, some like spending time together etc...
If what he wants is to spend time with you and you offer him cups of tea etc... it's not going to work iyswim.

Also, have a look a bit deeper at WHY things have become like this. Are you snown under with things to do? Are you particlularly tired etc... Or did you both get out of the habit to take care of the other?

I do think that he needs to step to and make it happen rather than waiting for you to do it all.

StaceyAndTracey · 28/05/2015 19:09

Why doesn't he get his parenst to babysit so you can go out together ?

ALaughAMinute · 28/05/2015 19:11

When a guy says he's feeling unloved and not getting enough attention it usually means he thinks he's not getting enough sex IMO.

IrianofWay · 29/05/2015 20:20

I am in two minds about this.

H was feeling a little like your H for a while - sadly he didn't say so, he just sulked, shouted, got irritated and spent as much time as possible away from us. THEN he had an affair and when I was upset he was surprised because he thought I didn't love him. Why didn't he tell me? Because, OK this is my theory, because he knew there was fuck all I could do to make things better - we BOTH worked full-time, I did the lions share of the house work, did more of the childcare, I had NO time to myself. He wanted me to basically put him first above the kids and I wouldn't - couldn't - do that at the time. The way to improve things lay in HIS hands - but he preferred to sulk and feel sorry for himself.

So it's a good thing he told you. BUT...and this infuriates me.... the is putting the blame on you and that is unfair in your circumstances. You both share this life, you both created the situation, why is it all your fault?

Thank him for being honest. Then suggest that you put your heads together and come up with some suggestions to improve things because, if you are being totally straight with him, you aren't exactly having a ball either. What could he do? What could you do? What could you do as a couple. Don't let him make it another chore for you.

ASorcererIsAWizardSquared · 29/05/2015 21:49

If you're at this point, there are lots of little things that can be done.

cut down a bit on the socialising, perhaps to 2-3 times a month. Do say NO to people inviting themselves to stay (very rude imho). It does sound like the two of you fill up your free time to the detriment of time together to just 'be' a couple.

I have two kids, one of whom is disabled (autism) and very demanding so i was often very much 'touched out' and exhausted by the time we'd got them to bed, DH became the bottom of my priorities and he did start to feel unloved and negeclted, so we talked and sorted it out.

DH and i make a point that a couple of times a week, after bed time, we will go lay on the bed together and just have a cuddle and a chat, sometimes it leads to other things, but mostly its just an hour without kids, screens, phones or distractions for the two of us to have a chat and reconnect.

We make sure we give each other a kiss good morning/good night every day, and also we have a quick kiss/cuddle when he comes in from work.

we send each other text messages over the day, and he calls me on his lunch break to just see how my day is going. We also spend some time after he gets home from work chatting about his day and mine.

I occasionally make his lunch and sometimes put little notes in his lunchbox.

Its all helping to make us feel more connected as a couple.

Lweji · 29/05/2015 21:57

Whereas I agree that there is lots that can be done, I am with the initial pps about what is he doing for you.

It's quite different to say that we are feeling distant and don't pay enough attention to each other, and another that "I" don't get enough attention, when part of it is that the other is the one having to pay more attention to the children.

When you go and address it, make sure that your needs are met too and that he tells you how he suggests that you grow closer together.
It's not on to say he's not getting enough attention and leaving you to guess what he wants, as you'll be forever chasing your own shadow.

StaceyAndTracey · 29/05/2015 22:21

An adult says

" I'd love it if we could spend more time as a couple. So I'm only going to go out twice a month from now on and I've arranged a babysitter for Friday so we can go out . Do you want to see a film or go out for a meal ? "

A child says

" they always get more attention than me. You don't love me as much as them. It's so unfair " < stamps feet >

ClawofBumhead · 30/05/2015 02:34

Well you know what to do, if you can't pull out all the stops when you find out your partner is feeling neglected, when can you? :)

"When a guy says he's feeling unloved and not getting enough attention it usually means he thinks he's not getting enough sex IMO."

Well different things make different people feel loved or unloved. Even gasp men.

Plenty of women feel unloved when there is not enough of a sex life.

Canyouforgiveher · 30/05/2015 18:28

That's not what he said STaceyAndTracey. He said that he felt his wife didn't pay him enough attention and he felt unloved. He didn't compare himself to his children, he didn't say it was unfair and he didn't stamp his feet. Furthermore, the OP agreed he may have a point.

I didn't get the memo myself that as an adult when I raise an issue with my husband I have to include a solution to the problem I am stating.

The rule in some people's minds that absolutely every single relationship problem is the man's fault is so tedious and unimaginative.

If a woman posted on here that her husband didn't pay her enough attention, would people really tell her she is a whining big baby or a petulant child or turn it around so the real question is how much attention SHE pays HIM.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 30/05/2015 18:41

I certainly don't feel everything is the mans fault.
I just don't find it particularly slap on the back worthy or impressive when one grown up partner says to another: 'you don't give me enough attention' and then can't or won't explain what they actually would like to see happen.

Lweji · 30/05/2015 18:46

People do ask the female OP what has she done to fix it and how much attention they actually give.
The vast majority of times, the female OP has actually made the effort. Unlike the man in this case.

He didn't have to compare the attention he gets with the children. The issue is that the way he phrased it so that the responsibility was all on the OP, and that he was the victim. No offer of solutions and no acknowledgement of any part he may play in it.

fufulina · 30/05/2015 18:49

Do you get enough attention? I'd be furious about this. One more thing for the wife to do.

500Decibels · 30/05/2015 18:56

I agree with doing little things as often as possible.
Text messages, hugs, cups of tea together with a chat, an afternoon off work together and do something fun, watch TV together, buy little presents.

SolidGoldBrass · 30/05/2015 19:43

You do need to factor in stuff he can do for you, OP. It shouldn't just be a matter of you giving things up to scurry round indulging him - if part of the problem is the amount of domestic work necessary, he should be doing his share.

expatinscotland · 30/05/2015 19:56

Tell him you feel the same and schedule a time to discuss what both of you can do about it.

I'd cut back on the visitors.

Canyouforgiveher · 30/05/2015 20:50

People do ask the female OP what has she done to fix it and how much attention they actually give.

Which is a very different response to calling someone a whining baby for even raising the issue. It is a fairly common thing in marriages/ relationships where there are small children and busy lives to not have enough time for each other. Why is it so awful for a man to state how he feels. It is open to the OP to say back to him, you know I feel the same about you, how can we fix it. I can't get over how many posters are so contemptuous of this man based on the original post.

Original poster

Hottypotty · 30/05/2015 22:07

Well, we still haven't had 'a talk' but I have made a good effort to be more available, less stressy and more thoughtful and things seem better.
I have no issue with a lack of attention-he is thoughtful-sends me messages, does stuff for me etc. so it is really my place to be pulling my finger out a bit.
My only 'complaint' is that he is often resentful of my hobby but today he has been pretty supportive so I guess it's give and take.

OP posts:

Lweji · 30/05/2015 22:45

It's not very common that it's the man who is fully responsible for the children and for the wife to complain that she is not getting enough attention.

OP, yes, it's give and take. Is he prepared to deal with the children too?

HFarnsworth · 31/05/2015 09:29

Alaughaminute

'When a guy says he's feeling unloved and not getting enough attention it usually means he thinks he's not getting enough sex IMO.'

When a woman says she's feeling unloved and not getting enough attention it usually means 'buy me something' IMO.

Fair comment?

fufulina · 31/05/2015 09:55

That's right alaughamimute - because no wimmin have their own money and all wimmin need men to 'buy them things'.

FFS.

HFarnsworth · 31/05/2015 09:59

fufulina

Hey, if one gender can be stupidly generalised and have their concerns minimised and trivialised then so can the other.

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