DH says he doesn't feel he gets enough attention and he's probably right.

[Hottypotty]

We have 2 young children, he works full time, I work part time. I attend a hobby twice a week, he attends a hobby once a week and likes to spend time with his mum or dad in the week.

Dcs also have hobbies which they need accompanying to and we frequently have visitors for dinner and to stay over.

We go out with friends approx once every couple of months and as a couple approx once a month when we can organise a babysitter.

Dh says I don't pay him enough attention and he feels unloved. I do love him and enjoy spending time together but am frequently emotionally exhausted by children, work Etc. and he tends to take a back seat. I think I've lost sight of how to make him feel 'loved'.

He does his fair share of domestic stuff and we have a cleaner but I do the majority of child related stuff and tend to bear the emotional brunt of all things child related.

I'm not sure what other people's relationships are like and tend to think that this is just how it is when you have young children and busy lives.

How can we improve things?

He hasn't tried to resolve it from what the OP has written so far. He's presented it as a problem for her to solve. On top of bearing the emotional brunt of all things child related.

What we do know is that he is pulling his weight in terms of practical chores (which is a hell of a lot more than many of the DHs one reads about here) but the OP feels emotionally exhausted. If he wants to improve this situation he needs to come up with suggested approaches to it. From the opening post on the thread it doesn't seem as if he has.

God I feel sorry for some of these mumsnetter's DHs!!

So he hasn't got a load of solutions - so what? He's started the conversation... Imagine if he'd said "why don't you give up a night at your hobby?". Then everyone would be criticising him. Poor bloke can't win. He's opened the dialogue. Fair play.

Let's remember this guy also works full time and OP only works part time so whilst she does probably bear the brunt of the kid related stuff it does sound fairly equal.

Good luck OP. Thank goodness you're kinder than some of the other posters!

Some of the responses here are pretty harsh.

It's not childish to have a good relationship with your parents and spend time with them.

My DH and have have small children and both work full time (no cleaner either!) he also has a demanding hobby.

It is hard sometimes but we both make a concerted effort to ask about each other's day, to show interest in each other's hobbies.

We try to go out on our own once a month or so and other Saturday nights we get a takeaway/cook something together and choose a film to watch together.

We hold hands walking down the street, kiss each other hello/goodbye etc.

My DH travels with his work regularly and he calls me every day, even where the time difference makes it difficult.

Small things can make a difference to keeping 'connected'. Thanking each other for the nice things you do for each other, telling each other you love them and that they're gorgeous - these things can make all the difference.

It's very easy together into a rut where you only ever talk about the children or snipe about the housework, it's not a good way to go.

I'm baffled by some of the responses.

OP have you tried, "I feel the same. What shall we do about it?"?

With everything you've listed, I can see that you don't have much time for each other. To a certain extent that does come with the territory of family life but there are definitely some things you can do.

These visitors you "frequently" have for dinner and to stay over - who instigates that? Does he feel a bit put out because you always have your friends and family round, or is he as keen as you are to host them all the time? Can you make it a bit less frequent?

Do you need to do your hobby twice a week? Or can he see his parents while you're doing the hobby, killing two birds with one stone and freeing up one evening?

Children's hobbies and needing to accompany - can you get to know other parents and take it in turns with them, you accompany one week and the other child's parent does it the next?

The problem IS for OP to attempt to solve though; her part in the relationship. That's on her, same as his responsibility to the OP for their relationship is on him.

There are parents (and it's usually mothers, sorry to say), who make their life's work their children and involve themselves unnecessarily in all their doings. Those children grow (and some of them will post on 'Stately Homes' thread) and the marriage flounders as the parent who wants a life outside children goes off and finds one. I wish them luck because if your partner isn't listening, they've divested any responsibility for the relationship and it's no good calling 'bastard' after the fact.

They do equal house stuff says OP. He isn't happy and has said so. How they solve it is between them but a problem has been highlighted and only the selfish or careless would ignore it. If this thread had been written by a man he would have had his arse handed to him along with a lot of suggestions from posters who don't know their circumstances either, on how HE should be improving things for his unhappy wife.

There are some utterly ridiculous posts on this thread and I'm going to reference them next time there's an affair thread.

I think it's good he's told you this. Maybe you feel the same? Agree with all the pps who recommend actually talking to one another a bit more. Showing an interest. Smiling at one another and definitely, definitely physical contact.

Having young dc and a busy life can easily mean your relationship drifts. For some that's ok and for others it's really sad. Truly, a few minutes effort each day can improve this.

I think you're achieving a huge amount as a family TBH. One full time job, one part time job, 2 young DC, independent hobbies for all of you, a social life, and a lot of time with extended family. Frankly most of us just about manage some work, kids, and everything else has to occasionally squish into the remaining hours available.

Are you maybe a bit in need of a holiday? I certainly feel like it's nearly summer but we're still pedal-to-the-floor mode. Would a week or 10 days away make a big difference to you reconnecting?

Otherwise I think it would be reasonable for you to tone down the number of visitors you entertain, and for him to tone down the amount of time he spends at his family for a bit,and have a planned 'date night' at home once a week or so. I would keep the hobbies going if you can however.

Dh says I don't pay him enough attention and he feels unloved.

What did you say to this OP?

Who's taking the kids to their hobbies and who's doing the cooking and getting beds etc ready for your visitors?

If he'd come out with suggestions how to fix it, he'd probably be just as badly flamed...

I suspect he doesn't have any answers, he knows you both are busy. he probably doesn't want you to give up your hobbies if they make you happy and/or he doesn't want to give up his for the same reasons. He may want some form of reassurance rather than massive changes.

It may be more intimacy but without insisting on it because he doesn't want to pressure you. I'm not convinced though as he is talking about being loved and that is a bit more fundamental.

Why should he do more? She works part time. I'm always amazed at how people don't have time. I raised two kids alone youngest was 2.5 until he left for uni at 18. Worked full time, kept a pristine house, had a social life. That's just me doing everything. There are two of you. Think yourself lucky and you only work part time.!

What pink rose said

If he came with suggestions to solve this, he wouldn't be slated like that.

OK so what sort of suggestions do you think he should come up with? Because all the ones I can think about involve the OP changing part of her routine, it involves the OP making an effort.
If he was saying 'Look I feel unloved and I think we don't spend enough time together, maybe you should stop doing your hobby and go only once a week', what would you say? That he is controlling maybe?
If he was suggesting to stop inviting all these people and the OP really enjoys socialising, what would that make him?

There is NO way to solve that sort of issue on your own or even to start suggesting solutions that you have thought in your own head wo a discussion first. It has to be done through a compromise and partners talking together to see what is missing for them in the relationship and how to redress the balance.

Starting by having a go at him and slating him for not being 'good enough' isn't the way to compromise and solve problem together. It's saying 'Im better than you and you are just crap'. Good way tyo alienate someone me think.

Spell the issue may be that he hasn't dare saying anything up to now so what was an 'intimacy' issue has now become a 'love' issue.

Seeing the reactions of some posters on here, I'm not surprised that he would be weary though.

OP - has he been under any work related pressure or has there been anything else that might him feel a bit down? It's good you make time to go out with friends and each other, but my own experience is that with very young children, work, money, other pressures I can just retreat into myself, which doesn't help my own relationship.

Believe it or not I actually think this says something a bit positive about your relationship, in that when he feels that there is something amiss he feels able to approach you, and you're concerned enough to look for answers. It speaks well of you!

That said, it is two-way, and with family life being what it is it's likely you are both experiencing some of this. Have you had similar feelings?

I have to say some of the responses to this post are utterly revolting. The OP's DH has come to her with his concerns and is being attacked for it - seriously, for any of the posters who have responded like this, if your DH decides he's had enough you won't have to look far for the explanation. And as for the posters who mocked him for being close to his parents - it must be difficult to type with your heads so far up your backsides.

Op, I don't know if you have to disrupt everything like your hobby, your visitors, his visiting his parents. Instead could you start some routines that prioritise each other in a smaller way. So for example during the summer you bring your coffee into the garden and sit and chat for 10 minutes before starting all the usual morning stuff. Or have 15 minutes after dinner when you sit together and chat just as adults - maybe while the kids clear the kitchen. Nothing wrong with telling your children to play elsewhere for 30 mins while you have a cup of tea together. I'm not sure how old your children are but friends of ours started taking an early morning walk together once their daughter was old enough to be left in the morning (12 I think) and it is a really nice routine for them.

You are at a very busy stage of your lives but it isn't impossible to carve out 15-30 mins some days for just the two of you to talk, even play a game of scrabble, go for a walk, sit together.

Also I think sometimes you don't need to do much to make someone feel noticed and cherished. Something as simple as stopping what you are doing and actually greeting him and asking how he is doing when he comes home (presuming you are there first) might help.

Presuming he will do the same for you.

You married him because you loved him. I think it is fairly reasonable to want him to feel loved and to make sure your relationship survives the busy years.

I don't think its healthy to make a family all about the kids, and the grandparents, and hobbies. These are not the things that stop a divorce - its the special connection between the two adults.

OP, do you actually HAVE a special connection with him?

Agree with PP's here that you both need to talk.

1.He needs to be more specific about what he wants/ needs.
2.You need to be able to set out your issues (being the brunt of child issues)

1. You need to agree what actions you are both going to take to resolve the issue

TBH I think telling you and not suggesting what he would like to see different is a bit of a crap way of going about things, and does put more pressure on you/ lack a sense of taking any responsibility.

Will be interesting to see what he does say when you talk

Thank you for your responses-I'm pleaded that in the vast spectrum of comments that no one has said it sounds irredeemable.

Sex has been/is an issue. We have plenty of it (at least twice a week) and it is good once we get started but I have to admit to it sometimes seeming like a chore to initiate it. He would prefer it to be more spontaneous and 'romantic'-I do make an effort-music, underwear etc but perhaps should do this more often.

Wrt hobby-I feel it's important to stay fit and healthy but could potentially scale it down to once a week. I think we come from different backgrounds on this as growing up my mum did sport several nights a week plus all Saturday whereas his mum has never done any sport or had her own hobbies really.

Visitors-tend to be couple friends of both of us (they invite themselves to stay as they want to see us-perhaps should say no?) or my family who don't live nearby who come to stay for a couple of nights a couple of times a year. I clean/do beds/shopping etc. He tends to cook as he enjoys it.

Thank you for suggestions of little things to do-they are things I had thought of myself so pleased I'm not too far off the mark and will implement them asap.

I do feel he has a bit of a 'grass is greener' attitude but can see I need to step up too.

I would probably calendar "couple time" or whatever - make it a priority, but he needs to be specific about what he needs as well.

Yes to work pressure for him.
Yes we have a special connection-there's no one I'd rather spend time with. Wish we could do hobby together but don't have reliable babysittkng

So what are you going to ask him to do, OP?

I think scaling back on visitors seems reasonable, to give you a bit more time in the evenings together. But it's a fact of life that working and family don't leave a lot of time for anything else. He does need to be reasonable and this really mustn't become just another problem that you have to solve on your own.