Worrying about 'pity friendships'

[fiveacres]

Does anyone know what I mean - the sort of friendships where you sense that possibly people include you and invite you to stay because they pity you rather than because they really like you?

I have had a few pity friendships and it makes me wary that everyone sees me as a charity case! Can anyone empathise?

Believe you are on the same level as others. Only spend time with people who view others equally. You may not have much company at least you will be happy in that company.

Well - yes - but how do you know whether they view you as their equal or not!? That is what I am wondering!

Are you not a bit too negative? Either harsh on yourself or demanding too much from others.
There is pity-talks; pity-posts etc but inviting someone to stay because you pity him is quite rare I should think. It does exist but it is not frequent so if you have been invited by more than two people to stay I would probably rule out the pity-incentive.
So maybe if you give concrete examples of this pity-inviting to stay MN wise people might help you analyze the cases.

Watch how they treat and talk about other people.

I've had periods of wondering this, and I think it's down to your own confidence and self-esteem.

As joanhickson says, believe that you are on the same level. You will know which the proper friendships are, in my experience. People have a way of letting you know they think you're not their equal, so if you're not not genuinely feeling that, in your gut, then your pals are probably the right ones.

I don't know if I've expressed that very well.

Ma - I've definitely had pity friendships in the past! It's hard to explain as I'm sure they quite liked me in a way but they definitely saw me as a charity case, used to make themselves feel good.

So for example, at university, I couldn't go home due to my dads then-partner (my mother had died) and I had a number of pity-invites, particularly around Christmas time.

Usually I know because it's someone I don't know very well - or most bizarrely at all - but I want people to like me for who I am and not because inviting me to things gives them a warm glow.

I think you're over thinking it. People invite you because they like you. I had a really tough time last year, exH left me and 2 kids, living in a new town where I hardly knew anyone. All of a sudden me and the DC had loads of invites for playdates, coffee etc from mums at school. I could have seen it as pity, instead I saw it as people being nice to someone they saw was struggling and I grabbed every invite with both hands, and made sure I reciprocated when I could. One year later, I definitely see them as real friendships. Sometimes people are just being nice, accept it!

I see that, but at the same time there is a difference between sticking an arm out to help a struggling swimmer as it were and making a palaver about rowing the lifeboat over to someone.

Problem is, you accept the offer thinking its borne out of liking you and friendship and then realise it wasn't and that's hard.

I have felt like that before. It is sad to feel that ppl stick around out of pity.

What made you think they didn't like you?

I don't feel they disliked me Golf but in a number of cases, they genuinely didn't know me.

To give an example, though this is not necessarily indicative of everybody, I volunteered for the Samaritans whilst at university and when in conversation with another Samaritan I was asked about my plans for Christmas and I said I would be staying at the university and I was immediately invited to stay with them. Very sweet, but I suppose the point was that they were concerned I would otherwise be lonely rather than because they wanted to spend time with me.

There have, since, been a few occasions where I know my presence (and that of my children!) is an inconvenience so when invitations come, I know they are made because people are feeling sorry for me and not because they desire my presence.

fiveacres yes they asked you because they felt bad for you that you didn't have anywhere to go, that doesn't mean they didn't like you. In fact, it shows the opposite that you are clearly a likeable, lovely person, that they would invite you to their home when they didn't know you.

I would probably do the same, if a work colleague or someone I only knew as an acquaintance didn't have somewhere to go for Christmas, but, and this is the key, ONLY if I liked them, and if it wasn't an inconvenience to me. You really should stop worrying about this.

Why do you think people would feel sorry for you now?

Single parent, no family, arse of an XH

I can empathise.

I've not known anyone talk about this/mention it in conversation quite like this before though, BUT have known quite a few people though who find that people start avoiding them/friendships end because of difficult times and life events, and have heard a lot of people talk about this.

Eg- A friend I'm thinking of (her child died) found that many people she hadn't been in touch with for years came out of nowhere and wanted to try and help/ be in touch with support etc. It was overwhelming in a good way (for her I mean, but I wonder if some people would see this as pity friendship?). Several friendships were rekindled for her, directly because of a terrible tragedy.

But she felt very upset about one or two good friends of hers who seemed to disappear at the time, and were not in touch very much. She felt very let down by them.

The thing is, I know at least one of the people she fell out with (because of this) was going through an extremely difficult time herself (very severe health problems and other awful major life events), and she gave as much as she could to everyone, and she lost many friends herself at this time.

I do understand what you mean though OP. Another example- I was fostered for a short time in my childhood and really resented the foster carers attitude- they wanted to do their 'good human being and community members' duty iyswim. It felt like my brother and I were props in their life, helping them be 'nice people', they were helping us to make themselves feel great.

They were really lovely people, but I still resented their motives. Unfairly...

God, sorry for huge post, and it isn't very clear...

fiveacres snap, snap, snap Some friends took me and the DC on holiday with them in a cottage and wouldn't let me pay anything towards it, insisting they would have rented a 5 bedroom cottage anyway and it didn't cost anymore But they are lovely people who wanted to do a good deed and I was very grateful. I made sure I bought them a few meals out and sent thank you cards from the kids.

It was really clear margaret and thanks for sharing. Your comment about feeling like a prop resonated with me.

It's hard because they are lovely people, but that makes me sad. Why am I not enough for lovely people just as a fellow lovely person?

I had this for a large part of my 20s and 30s OP and now I'm 42 I firmly believe that it was lack of self confidence.

I had a period of no friends when I'd just had babies...left all my old ones in London and came up North.

Came time for the DC to go to school and suddenly I had quite a lot of women wanting to be my friend...I was astounded and again wondered if they felt sorry for me...but...I had matured and now realise that no...they just like me.

I know what you mean. There's a difference between being kind to someone that you like (I do this - I've invited people when I think they need company, but only people that I like, I wouldn't do it purely out of pity) and there are people that seem to collect lost causes and seem to enjoy being fawned on by them.

I read a thing on here a while back about marriages and how marriages that work are ones where you answer your partner's cues - if they talk about something, you show interest kind of thing. It was like a light bulb went off for me, because I realised that I had had a couple of friends before where something wasn't right, and that was it. They were never ever interested in me. I mean, that's fine, not everyone has to like me/find me interesting but it highlighted what had felt off to me. I'm not sure if they were pity friendships, but I think in hindsight they kind of were.

Yes, yes Alma

I am so grateful for people for seeing what I mean. I have done lovely things for friends and particularly lovely things for friends I particularly like who are having a hard time but it isn't inspired out of wanting to collect lost causes.

Strangely, I did/do have a friend like this. I don't think she sees me as a waif or stray - well, I hope she doesn't! - but she does go out of her way to help those disadvantaged in some way.

If she'd lived in biblical times she'd have been befriending tax collectors and fallen women.

OP it sounds like you've had a rough time with your mum's death and marital breakdown. In the nicest possible way, you seem to have developed a chip on your shoulder that you are in some way pitiable and it's what drives some of your friendships.

I don't think people would befriend you purely to do a good deed. I think they like you and want to be friends and the way if showing friendship is to help you out when you are in a tight spot or offer company when you're lonely. It's what friends do.

I don't get your fixation with equality in friendship. Perhaps you met one strange person who has given you this impression and it's marked you.

Alternatively it could be the way you present yourself. E.g. If you are moping about being on your own at Christmas (your example), some people would feel obliged to offer to host you but feel put out if you actually took up the offer, or you could unwittingly have been a bad guest making them feel put upon. It's hard to know as it depends on the way things are said and specific circs.

If it was a heartfelt offer, genuinely given and there was plenty of polite refusals on your part and plenty of insistences on their part then it wasn't a pity friendship. It might have been a pity invite but the friendship was likely genuine.

five I think that the best sometimes is just to assume the best intentions in the actions of others- and I think that this is what avocado does and you will see that intentions of others toward you will change and they will invite you because they like you. Of course there is a limit to how much good you can presume others are. But do that to some few that you really ike- do take what they offer graciously and offer back something you can afford and you will see you will fel more equal. I have the feeling that you might feel that you have less to offer (no family home- no monies- no parents home etc) than others. But that is wrong. Nice behaviors do are not directly related to their monetary or conservative (i.e. marriage- mum and dad etc ) value.

No, there's no chip on my shoulder. People asked me to clarify what I meant and I tried to give an example. My mother has been dead for a very long time now; I barely remember her. The example I gave was at university when I was 18. I am now 33.

I do feel it is unhelpful and actually quite presumptuous to use loaded terms such as 'moping around'. The example I gave, quite apart from it being fifteen years old, stated quite clearly I had just happened to mention I wasn't going home that Christmas. Yet you placed your own assumptions on it.

Others have understood what I meant.

OP it's a really interesting expression and I think I've been/am on both sides of the coin. From my perspective I do want to be kind - I genuinely want to make things better for people, but I do sometimes try to rein it back a bit because I don't want to come across that I rush towards crises. At some level this is about my own low self-esteem as I think maybe I value myself by making others feel better (and perhaps I don't think that totally sorted people want to be my friend). On the other hand, I don't do this for self-agrandissement, I don't think. I do genuinely like the people I'm extending support or friendship to.

Maybe even genuine ultruism is inherently selfish?

I also do tend to find myself making an effort with outsiders. Partly because I can't stand cliquiness and partly because I see a genuine value and interest in talking with people who have different experiences and viewpoints. It adds to my life.

On the other side of the coin, I do sense in a couple of friendships that the other person is maintaining it out of a sense of being nice or out of duty. But applying my own experience, perhaps I have just chosen well in my friends and have found some who are kind and enjoy my company.

It's very difficult to describe and explain which is perhaps why despite being no profligate with words I have struggled. I think the people who have understood are the people who have 'been there' as it were. Margarets post resonated particularly strongly with me.

I hope people don't look at me and see my failings and what I lack and hope to cheer me up by their kindly-meant invitations. I suppose what I want is simply to belong, in my own way, for who I am, not because of what I lack.