Worrying about 'pity friendships'

[fiveacres]

Does anyone know what I mean - the sort of friendships where you sense that possibly people include you and invite you to stay because they pity you rather than because they really like you?

I have had a few pity friendships and it makes me wary that everyone sees me as a charity case! Can anyone empathise?

Your university example is odd to me, I have a friend who moved here recently from the States, she was alone over Easter, I didn't know her very well, but I immediately asked her if she wanted to come over at Easter. It wasn't because I didn't like her, but because I do think she's a lovely person but know she's not yet really well established, so knew she wouldn't have plans.

I honestly think it's unlikely that people have the time and energy to issue endless kindly- meant invitations these days. It's more likely they do actually like you.

Is there a particular friendship now that makes you feel like this? Or perhaps a situation recently which has triggered this thinking?

You do sound quite like hard work. Distrustful of peoples motives, asserting that they don't value you enough, rude about kind invites, and rude to posters who have taken the time to engage with you.
Rather than pity friendships, perhaps rather than finding out later they were motivated by pity because they clearly don't like you much, perhaps they just were less than impressed that you were judging their motives, and so harshly, and it made them like you less after the fact.
I imagine you will take issue with my post, and will probably misattribute the motivation, but I'm answering your question honestly anyway.

I think the key is, a true friendship is reciprocal. So, if someone invites you for dinner/ helps you out with something, return the favour. A good friend will accept your hospitality, even if, I dunno, they've cooked you a five course meal in their mansion and you've just invited them over for pizza and a bottle of blossom hill. Also, do you enjoy their company? Do they accept you as you are, or do they make you feel inferior? The more I think about it (and I am in a very similar position to you, right down to the dead mum) I have certain friends who, while not meaning to, make me feel like they pity me, or feel superior to me. Eg going on about 'I don't know how you do it, you're such an inspiration', or when people are sat there moaning about the problems with the builders on their extensions, when I'm stuck renting a shitty little house. But maybe that's me being sensitive.

Of course, sometimes friendships just carry on out of politeness, I remember my nct group being a bit like that. But those types of friendships usually fizzle out.

But maybe you just need to value yourself a bit more and accept people actually like you?

There we go with the assumptions. I don't think that I was rude at all; I took issue, perfectly civilly, with the phrase 'moping about', pointing out that a) I hadn't been and b) it was 15 odd years ago!

I don't think you do understand at all. I will, if I may, gently point you towards Margarets post. I think she explained better than I could. Unless you think she is also 'hard work.'

WHY do people come into three threads just to inform the OP they are an awful person I wonder?

Napoleon, it was the first example that sprang to mind, perhaps because that was the first time I had experienced being at the receiving end of people's pity - and it was - I gave the volunteers example as I didn't know that person at all, which was why I was trying to explain it wasn't a case of 'I don't know her so well but she seems lovely!' It was more in the spirit of 'gosh, a young person alone at Christmas - I shall invite her!'

Now I am not saying that these people aren't some of the kindest, most genuine and sincere people I know. They are. But as such, I would prefer to know them and like them as an equal as someone sagely put it, not an inferior - which you are when you're receiving charity.

It's the personal as opposed to the anonymous I suppose. If a friend of mine needs money and I insist she takes some from me that is because she is my friend. If a stranger needs money and I give it to them that is because of charity.

I have never asked for money but in terms of emotional support, I do sometimes feel that people give it kindly and genuinely but - charitably. Not as friends but as superiors might.

In that case, I think you might get your point across more easily if you gave more recent examples?

to you fiveacres

I've been thinking about a couple I know, they are lovely and kind people. They're big church goers, and have kind of befriended a woman they know at their church, who is struggling with various difficulties in her life (I'm not sure what). I honestly believe they are doing what they're doing from the heart and are being genuinely kind. But they are friendly with her in a way that IS different from the way that they're friendly with their other friends.

There is a feeling of paternalism and patronage in their friendship with this lady. I get the feeling that they'd never 'naturally' be friends with each other, but they are kind of doing their Christian duty, and trying to help her in various ways. I can't exactly put my finger on why, but it makes me uncomfortable. I KNOW this is unfair to them. They are lovely. The friendship genuinely seems to be bringing something positive to their life and to the befriended lady's life too. So it's great. But it feels a wee bit unnatural. They are from very different backgrounds, and have very different lives in many ways. I'm not saying that makes it bad though.

Is this a bit like what you're experiencing OP? x

It is hard to avocado because if I described, say, 'a friend invited me to stay' everyone would quite understandably question WTF was wrong with that :)

However, recent events in my life and a renewed interest in my life from some and because this has happened before makes me a little guarded, I suppose.

Before I am accused of 'being hard work' I accept graciously. But then I get a distinct impression I am only tolerated for these charity offerings. So for instance I am invited to visit one Sunday complete with children and accept graciously, then discover that I am not invited to another event the following Sunday with other families and children (who I also know.)

I am not massively sensitive and recognise people are occasionally overlooked and that oversights happen but it does bring that 'am I an equal - on an equal weight with all friends - or am I someone apart from that'.

I hope I have articulated that relatively clearly.

I think you are maybe confusing compassion with charity.

Margaret, stay with me :) You are explaining my own thoughts. The last line of your second paragraph was spot on. 'They are friendly with her in a way that is different to how they are friendly with their other friends.'

So for instance I am invited to visit one Sunday complete with children and accept graciously, then discover that I am not invited to another event the following Sunday with other families and children (who I also know.)

That's so hard fiveacres. I understand how that feels. It would make me question things/ feel uncomfortable.

I do understand, I think. Like I've said, I've been in a similar situation and in many respects I still am. Are they old friends who have got in touch again, or people who were acquaintances who are suddenly becoming more friendly? When my exH left, I certainly had renewed interest in my life from both. But I think that's natural- we all get caught up in our own lives but when something awful happens to a friend we want to help.

I don't think not inviting you to the second event is a slight- sometimes it's just hard to have loads of people over at once. I guess the question is, do you enjoy the friendship? Do you want to pursue it? If so, invite them over, or arrange to do something together.

I think the problem I found was that some people's offers of friendship weren't genuine. They just wanted to hear the gossip and the drama so they could talk about 'poor Avocado' at the school gate. But some people are genuine, and in a difficult situation you do need friends, so don't mistrust everyone.

Yes, it is as if one Sunday was put aside for 'helping fiveacres' and the next Sunday 'for friends.'

Of course as I've said - oversights happen but it does make one feel rather on the peripheral of things, which as observed, is uncomfortable.

You're kinda proving the point there. Nobody said you are an awful person. You asked for opinions but you're ignoring all of them except the one that exactly mirrors your own thoughts.

You realise that accusing basically everyone you know of looking down on you is really very rude, and also rather narcissistic? You're analysing everyones motives all the time, and always finding them not good enough.
Someone invites you to an event on a sunday and your response is well they didn't invite me to the one next sunday as well, how dare they treat me like that! Thats not a normal response. You must see that?

The fact is, people don't think about you nearly as much as you think they do. People invite you to things because they want to, because they think both you and them will enjoy it. Perhaps they don't invite you the next week because instead of being gracious and thanking them you instead analyse and judge them?

And I haven't seen any indication of you inviting anyone anywhere, or doing anything for others. It's all me me me, why do they do this to me, why do they ask me to things, what do they think of me.....Isn't it all rather exhausting?

Yes, I think that is the difficulty. I am not too hung up on most of the human race a lot of the time but I politely and graciously accept invitations for the good of the children really. When pregnant I could happily live like a woodland creature in winter and hibernate.

But I know there is a difference in how people treat their friends and how they treat me. And it isn't that they aren't nice; that's the killer. In another time and place I'd be one of them.

It's unclear winter, whether you just want an argument or not.

So briefly - no, I would not describe myself as narcissistic.

If I invite people somewhere they generally make an excuse which I suspect reinforces my earlier point - that they are bestowing their generosity and kindness on me not vice versa. Please note I have emphasised that this kindness is genuine. What it is not is friendship. It gives; it will not take. It refuses to take.

Sometimes, that's harder than the reverse.

I know what you mean fiveacres. I too have been in the position (particularly in a church context) where I know people are taking an interest in me because they think they should or it is an act of compassion. And it would seem, perhaps be, churlish to reject their goodwill.

.... but the patronage element that Margaret mentioned is very uncomfortable. It denies your individuality, you are a 'case' rather than valued for yourself, as an individual.

I suppose though one is completely free to accept or politely decline such offers as it suits one, thus returning the gracious patronage with equally gracious acceptance or rejection, just as it suits!

But you ARE one of them. What's so different? You have children the same age, you live in the same community. Just because you're a single parent and possibly (I'm assuming) don't have as much money as them doesn't make you any less than them.

Bunch yes, yes. A 'case', not an individual and as such to only be managed, not even liked or disliked.

Avocado - I might agree but if they do not then really what can you do? If I invited them to mine one Sunday then no thank you, must do this, seeing this person, doing that. It's as I said before - they will give. And that is lovely. But they won't take.

By the way - it's not a monetary thing at all.

I'm trying to help you, but you're quite difficult to talk to. This could explain why you are struggling to make friends with people. If you really are concerned, you need to take input from people with different viewpoints to you, and not just from people with the exact same take on things.

Fiveacres ok, that makes much more sense. No, I wouldn't like that at all. A friendship that is only on their terms isn't really a friendship at all. Do you know them well enough that you could talk to them about it? Do you have other friends in your life who don't make you feel like that?

Winter

If I am to be entirely honest and hopefully not rude I am also finding you hard to talk to.

You say you are trying to help me but you are deliberately rephrasing parts of my posts in such a way that would potentially be quite upsetting - 'narcissistic; hard work; difficult to talk to; really very rude.'

Some of these posts are kind, supportive and helpful. I trust, since you have said so, you wish to also be kind and supportive and helpful. Forgive my bluntness, but you are not being so. You are taking what I have actually said miles away from its true context and applying adjectives that are actually quite insulting and then state that I am 'hard work.'

The last thing I want is an argument! But these sorts of replies are simply unhelpful and actually quite distressing to read and engage with.

Avocado - thanks :) Yes, some, although in some daft way the behaviour of some is making me question everybody! That will be pregnancy paranoia! I recognise this but as such I also trust my judgement is sound - by that I mean I can feel one thing but recognise it is silly but also I can feel something else and recognise it is not.

I think I understand what you mean - it's almost as though they are taking a 'mentoring' role rather than a friendship role.

That's ok sometimes, as long as they don't disguise it as friendship - because it never quite comes off.

I have 'different' friends, they sometimes know each other, but I don't necessarily invite them to the same things. But I would, at some point, invite groups of friends and mix it up a bit. If there was someone I wouldn't invite to a group thing because of MY reasons, then that's not a true friendship, is it? If it's because of their reasons (eg feel uncomfortable in large groups) then that's different, it is true friendship because I'm doing it out of consideration for them (as long it is truly out of consideration for them and not just my assumptions!!!)

Op, do bare in mind, I will sometimes make an extra effort for someone I like if I think they're having a hard time of it. That's not pity, it's genuine friendship. If I think they're going to be sad if they're alone at Christmas, I would be more likely to invite them to join us than perhaps someone else But that's because valuing and liking you, I would be willing to give up my quite selfish desire to have my own Christmas with just my family, when I wouldn't necessarily be willing to give it up for a friend who had lots of options.

I'm in a very similar situation to you in terms of being a single parent and having an arse of an xp. my family charge a huge amount in emotional interest for any help they give, and I really can't afford to keep paying them...

in my experience, the only thing worse than getting a pity friendship/ invite is not getting one. Then you really feel unlikeable. 'but they must see i'm in a shit situation, but they still don't invite me! - i must be intolerable to be around' etc. woe is me ;-(

I think it's good to trust your judgement. I'd be inclined to keep the friendship if it's doing you some good or if, for example, it's good for the DC. But if it's making you feel bad then concentrate on cultivating your other friendships too. And be kind to yourself, sounds like you've been through a really tough time

I haven't read this whole thread - I'm about half way through - but this interests me a lot OP as I am almost obsessed with equality in friendships and wonder where that comes from. In my case, if I feel even slightly taken advantage of or that the friendship is unequal, I will end it. For example, I had a friend who was a decade or so older than me and like an aunt to my children in that she always remembered their birthdays etc. She would come and stay here once a year and as she had a bad back I went to the trouble of getting a special bed for her stays etc. Then it turned out she was coming to stay in our part of the country for a family "do" and would be there for the following week so I suggested we stay with her there after the "do" to meet and she said it wouldn't work, with my children. I felt I'd gone out of my way to be hospitable to her but it wouldn't be reciprocated. I have been very conscious of people maybe acting out of pity too e.g. a friend making me a birthday dinner just after my mother died and I said I had no plans for my birthday but I've tried to take these in good faith as gestures of friendship.
Deep down I think "belonging" is what I crave and I have been advised I try too hard and just to take or leave any offers of friendship more casually rather than wondering always if it's the real thing, can I trust etc. as relationships develop more informally. I think this advice is probably sound, though hard as I do have low self-confidence and also, like you as single parent with no family, pretty desperate need for human connection!