Worrying about 'pity friendships'

[fiveacres]

Does anyone know what I mean - the sort of friendships where you sense that possibly people include you and invite you to stay because they pity you rather than because they really like you?

I have had a few pity friendships and it makes me wary that everyone sees me as a charity case! Can anyone empathise?

Perhaps in your specific circumstance it is that but I can only say that if I invited a stranger for Christmas it would not be about me trying to make myself feel good or look good. It would probably involve projecting my own feelings a bit that I would hate to be alone but that's all.

Similarly I think my American friend invites people because she herself has been starting over and feeling isolated in a new country and because it's normal in her family and her culture. I'm pretty sure it's not to look good in front of others ( in fact it sometimes looks a bit OTT to more reserved Brits)

Some people (and probably me included here) make no effort to get to know new people because they already have enough friends but if everyone was like that it would make it really tough to ever move somewhere new. Surely thank goodness for the people who do make an effort whatever their motives.

Whilst on mat leave I was invited for a coffee by some other new mums from older DC school. They didn't know me from Adam and so it could not have been motivated by friendship. Maybe I looked lonely, maybe it was pity or maybe they were just reaching out to someone in a similar situation. I'm so glad they did as over time I have genuine friendships with some of them, particularly those who I found something more in common with over time.

I don't think that instantly all friendships are on the same footing. It will take time to develop a real friendship. If in the early days they had not invited me to a family BBQ one of them was having I would have been OK with that. They didn't know me on a deeper level, hadn't met my DH or other DC. There has to be a first time if it's going to progress but maybe not straight away.

perhaps it is something you have to experience to 'know'

But I think we have all experienced it. I certainly have - I've never lived anywhere longer than 5 years; in many ways I'm the permanent stranger. The difference is in how we experience it.

If it wasn't clear from my post, my suggestion was that you should find yourself wonderful. Perhaps these folks invite you for what you bring in terms of humour, interest, beauty, riches, apple pie, talent or general loveliness? Perhaps they invite you from curiosity or because they want to vary their circle. Perhaps they've got a glut of some produce or other and want to share it; perhaps they're hoping some skill of yours can help them out ... There's always something! Life's a series of transactions :)

Speaking of transactions, I think that what you're describing is the TA game of Happy To Help. As Berne says, there's no 'right' answer to this one; you simply pick your attitude as you go along. And, honestly, not everyone is playing Happy To Help. The vast majority are doing it for some advantage you bring to the gathering, whether or not you're prepared to take that credit.

You may have just run into a kind person, imagine that, volunteering at the Samaritans and all!

Or maybe that person was the sort who collected strays, and you would have appearred to be one. But I doubt every such invitation was self-satisfying. Most were probably honestly friendly, but the friendship didnt take, and eventually interaction became polite rather than enthusiastic. Maybe you just have a scewed sense of how friendship develops. Sometimes it is slow and builds up over many encounters, but also sometimes you take a chance on a more organised effort.

Or maybe you are just the polar opposite of my huge family always seems to have numbers of new people at gatherings, and we gather just to celebrate Saturday, we dont wait for holidays. We are a more the merrier crowd, and i guess it could be a sort of pity that makes us extend an invite to someone like your college self, but we truly do hope to give a happy day! It is more pity over your potential loneliness than pity over the circumstance that caused it. Even if no particular friendship grew with any of us (and us includes numbers of people originally invited randomly), for decades people would ask if anyone knew what happened to you, and we would be genuinely pleased to hear from you. Our hoping that fiveacres life was going along well and feeling maybe that day she came and had potluck and lots of happy company helped would be sincere.

At no point have I said or claimed that the people offering kindness aren't kind. What I have said is that they are offering pity, not friendship.

One other factor you might want to consider with 'pity friendships' (a term that makes me feel a bit uneasy TBH) is the control factor. Do some of these people want absolutely everything on their terms only? I find I start feeling mildly irritated extremely quickly if I suggest doing things/going places/having coffee at mine and they either shut those options down straight away or find a way of changing them so that it's done their way yet again. This sort of behaviour puts you in a box and ensures you can never challenge their ideas. If this is what the OP has been encountering, no wonder she feels stifled.

I'm part of a community and we all help each other out, even people I know less well. It's not pity as far as I can see but support from caring people.

I absolutely agree "pity friendships" do exist.

The issue is the "pitier" NEEDS the pitied to be unhappy/struggling. They enjoy feeling superior.

There's an element of control - they can't deal with their peer group or anyone at their level, and they struggle with finding any meaning in their own life.

So they latch onto people they can patronise and discuss THEIR problems.

They don't actually want their friends property to get better or happier or build a social life of their own or glam up. Or they'd have to face their own issues.

Cava I think that's quite extreme. I think that people are sometimes kind because they like to feel useful/needed. Or because they have big hearts and empathise too well with others emotions - their conscious can't let then sit back and do nothing.

Also all good friendships start somewhere. Yes some relationships don't blossom but others do. Some if my closest relationships developed with a new baby and an unlivable DIY house.

You really are determined to feel like this, aren't you OP? It's definitely all other people, then. Okay.

Peppermint

I have said that firstly, the instigators of the 'pity friendships' are kind and genuine in their own way but that what they aren't really offering is friendship.

I have also said that no, not all my friends are like this and hence I am able to distinguish between the two easily.

Why be rude and sarcastic?

I do think there's something in what Cava is saying, although I don't know if it's necessarily as extreme in my case but I definitely do know people who are 'addicted to caring' almost. It's sort of like the relationships where the wife endlessly complains the husband won't pull his weight in the house but then if he tries complains he hasn't done it properly.

People who have been on the receiving end of this have 'clicked' if you like immediately and been really insightful in their responses and yet it's interesting with that word 'determined' - I think the 'determined' ones on this thread are the ones who are 'determined' these friendships don't exist, that people are just 'being kind' and that once fifteen years ago someone was upset that a teenager might be alone at Christmas.

That's all well and good. But I was actually pretty capable of coping by myself at Christmas, just as I'm capable of coping myself with two children If someone seeks our company, I'd rather it be because they like us than because they feel sorry for us. It comes as a surprise that people view your life as so lonely and empty that any crumbs of kindness are welcome.

I think your interpretations of the words friendship, kindness and pity are eccentric.

I Agree gilrack.

Fiveacres: I agree the pity friendships happen, definitely there are stray puppy rescuers types who seek out people that make them feel superiot/helpful or whatever. I have been befriended by that type, when I WAS in a difficult stage and in need of help. When going through my divorce, for instance. Some became actual friends, others i eventually shed, or they dropped me.

But you seem to be implying you regularly find yourself in this situation, whether in a potentially needy stage or not. So, the question is, are you misinterpreting people's intentions, and pushing off from actual friendships on offer? Or are you sending out signals that attracts the rescuer type? Is there something about your history that makes you either mistrust people, or seem in need of rescue?

I think that was what I was wondering from my OP, Mom

It's possible I am misinterpreting people but having considered it through posting, I don't think I am.

I think in some ways I've been unlucky. I've suffered a lot of bereavements and a highly abusive marriage. That naturally attracts rescuers. I don't know if it's 'me' so much as circumstances. Do you see what I mean?

I think you might be overthinking this. I'm always aware that my friends need me and have vulnerabilities, but so do I. We're all nutcases together, you know?