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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband on dating website

125 replies

Namechange41 · 26/05/2015 15:40

I feel such an idiot. We been together 16 years and I have no reason to think he's actually cheated (I've been through his phone, FB and email) but there he was on a dating site. He says he's sorry and he shouldn't have done it but I can seem to move on. Any advice please, especially if you've been there.

OP posts:

suzannecanthecan · 29/05/2015 10:19

I dont know what makes you think I was trying to excuse him Cabrin?

Cabrinha · 29/05/2015 11:57

My comment was really for the OP, Suzanne. It's my opinion that none of what you said (about it being wank fodder) excuses him. Good that you think so too. I'm just wary for the OP because I know from first hand experience when you want to make it work, it's easy to be seduce by minimising it. I'm sure her husband would rather she thinks it was wank fodder than an attempt to cheat. And I really hope for her, that it was. But I know in my husband's case that whilst it didn't lead to copious easy hook ups, that was his intention.

Jan45 · 29/05/2015 13:45

He's sorry he got caught, and possibly sorry yes that he has now planted the seed of doubt, it won't leave you, he's tainted the relationship now.

By all means stay and work it out with him but it's going to be a hard road to get over, he needs to explain why firstly he thought it ok to go looking and secondly, what exactly was he looking for that he feels he can't get from his wife, hard questions to answer but honesty has to now be the order of the day, no more sneaking behind your back on porn and hook up sites. Something is or has made him fundamentally unhappy to go down this route, you need to find out what that is.

Mollli · 29/05/2015 14:27

I agree with the comments that there is something missing within the relationship for him to have gone searching in the first place. That needs addressing and sorting. Seeing where you have both lost altitude within the relationship.

AnyFucker · 29/05/2015 15:48

Molli, do you think this woman bears some responsibility for her partner's shitty behaviour ?

Jan45 · 29/05/2015 15:53

Can I just say, there's clearly problems in the relationship, the way to deal with them is for the husband to talk to his wife, not go online and seek out sexual thrills, or whatever!

Justusemyname · 29/05/2015 15:56

Bollocks to the wife blaming.

If the man feels there is something missing THE ADULT THING TO DO IS TALK TO HIS WIFE, not get his thrills elsewhere.

HootyMcTooty · 29/05/2015 16:26

Some people will cross boundaries simply because they can.

Cabrinha · 29/05/2015 16:33

Fuck the wife blaming shit!

The time to share "blame" is when the husband finds an appropriate time to gently say "I love you, I want us to work, I feel some distance, what can we do?"

Not go on a flipping hook up site.

FWIW my hook up site fan of a husband was back onto them 6 weeks after meeting his new GF. I don't she was responsible for anything missing, any more than I was.

twistletonsmythe · 29/05/2015 17:11

so a bloke is an entitled unfaithful arse and it is the wife's fault - I can't even form a coherent sentence to that utter shite.

Only1scoop · 29/05/2015 17:45

Some search when there is Nowt missing.

They would search even if they had everything on a plate with flags and brass knobs on top....

For some it's all about the 'search'

Mollli · 29/05/2015 18:43

I am not blaming the wife. Something was missing for him. If there wasn't then he wouldn't have gone searching for something else. OP needs to think about where the relationship might have changed for her before this incident. Maybe she wasn't as happy as she thought . Time apart and soul searching by the OP would benefit her to see how she really feels before she can decide if she wants to continue.

AnyFucker · 29/05/2015 18:47

It is much more likely there was something missing in him, rather than something missing for him

Only1scoop · 29/05/2015 19:30

'Searching for something else'

Searching for something extra more likely.

Ans quite possibly always will be.

twistletonsmythe · 29/05/2015 19:42

Molli - you are completely blaming the wife. It is his bloody issue, not hers. If he doesn't want to be in a relationship then leave it - not rocket science is it. But to be unfaithful and then blame her, is unforgivable.

Mollli · 29/05/2015 20:02

No I am nor actually

Christinayanglah · 29/05/2015 20:05

It is a problem with him, not his wife or his relationship There is nothing she could have done because this is an example of his failings as a husband

AnyFucker · 29/05/2015 20:17

the wife only bears responsibility if she also looked outside of her relationship instead of trying to tackle the problems within it

she didn't though

twistletonsmythe · 29/05/2015 20:29

And often in cases like these - the wife has no blooming clue the husband is unhappy or has any problems.

Gabilan · 29/05/2015 20:38

Tbh when I encounter men who I suspect are married on dating sites I don't think "oh dear, there's something missing from your relationship". I think "go and talk to your wife you arse".

mothertruckers · 29/05/2015 20:55

I would agree with the poster who mentioned that very often the wife is unaware that the husband is 'unhappy'. In my situation there were certainly periods where we were not happy but there were also periods when we were and he still carried on. His situation coming to a head, and the night I found everything out, we'd had a lovely family day and he'd gone to meet his pals for a drink. He'd been messaging women all day arranging to meet up,presumably occasions like nipping to the loo or when he was 'checking his twitter'. The deviousness hurts the most but I definitely agree some men are just made like that, the thrill of the secret and are unable to stop. In my case he's paid a high price for it, but he's still doing it, evident in the swift drop offs and lack of remorse. It wasn't my fault and I take no blame in it. Dignity is paramount and even though you want to scream, don't give him an inch. Let it cut him up one day when you've moved on.

AnyFucker · 29/05/2015 21:23

Good advice, mt

GraceBella · 05/08/2021 20:43

New here, just after some advice or if anyone's been where I am at now. Married 8 years, 2 kids, im 34. About 4 months ago I had a knock at the door, a girl basically told me my husbands on Plenty of fish arranging to meet her for sex. I was like nooo way, my husband is a t**t but never in a million years would he do this. Low and behold she told me to phone the number (not his number) and he answered. Long story short ish - long toxic relationship, always made me feel worthless, loads too it. Physically and emotionally abusive (I know please don't judge) his had thankfully stopped but still controlling. I'm not stupid, but very very vulnerable and all I ever wanted was a family. So anyway, she knew him through one of his friends, she set him up. Sent him pics and all that, it only lasted 3 days and then she came to tell me instead of meet him. What I feel for her is another story. So he's gone and I'm in the process of divorce. I have put everything into this, my entire life. Im devastated, I know I cant get past it. But im so so upset, struggle to see my life without him, I know its normal. Just wanted to hear from anyone if they've been through this, are my feelings valid? I feel distraught some days. Im turning to drink, im angry, im worried il never ever move on. Please someone tell me it gets easier xx

Whydidimarryhim · 05/08/2021 21:03

Grace Bella you have posted on an old thread.
You need to start your own thread in relationships.

DeeCeeCherry · 06/08/2021 01:43

This would render him instantly unfanciable for me. He's lied to you. & he's also looking to lie to a woman seeking a relationship, who will instead be landed with a dishonest, seedy married man looking for sex.

Nah

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