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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Husband on dating website

125 replies

Namechange41 · 26/05/2015 15:40

I feel such an idiot. We been together 16 years and I have no reason to think he's actually cheated (I've been through his phone, FB and email) but there he was on a dating site. He says he's sorry and he shouldn't have done it but I can seem to move on. Any advice please, especially if you've been there.

OP posts:

Report

Namechange41 · 26/05/2015 21:23

I didn't have doubts earlier. But I do now. I'll ask him for the password tomorrow

I feel sick

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 26/05/2015 21:27

he "sent a message" by "mistake" as well then ?

love, you don't know the half of it

twistletonsmythe · 26/05/2015 21:28

isn't him signing up for that type of website bad enough? Or are you happy to brush this under the carpet - until the next time you find something...

mothertruckers · 26/05/2015 21:44

Had my stbexh passed me his phone willingly I too wouldn't have found much. Unfortunately the night he got so drink he fell asleep on the sofa, he'd forgotten to delete his many chat apps, thus leaving wifey to discover the truth. Don't believe a word.

Cabrinha · 26/05/2015 21:49

Changed the password on an email account since this happened?
Oh love that tells you want you need to know

AnyFucker · 26/05/2015 21:51

That email account will have it's own log in to God Knows What. Sorry, love x

Minnie11 · 26/05/2015 22:03

It could be either way but I had an ex who did this and communication was via another email account that had been created and used after the initial contact.

Melonfool · 26/05/2015 22:15

He could easily have another phone I'm afraid, he could have bought one with cash for £10 and bought a PAYG SIM and topped up £5 or £10, you'd not notice that missing. I had an ex who I found later had two phones....

There could also be plenty of other email addresses you don't know about that he uses via the web browser, not downloaded. If he doesn't have the main ones, get his PC (whatever), open the browser and type the start of all the main ones and see if any autofill - yahoo, gmail, hotmail, googlemail (I know it's the same as gmail but depends how you type it in) etc.

If you find the email you can reset the password for the site anyway.

Personally, I don't think it means he has cheated but it certainly means he's not 100% trustworthy and he has been pretty disrespectful.

Could I get over it? Probably, but I'd be all over his comms and it wouldn't be a place of trust for a good couple of years. Maybe not 'get over it', maybe 'live with it'.

badbaldingballerina123 · 26/05/2015 22:18

Hook up sites , webcams ect seem to be a natural progression for many porn users. People have their own ideas about it but I think porn can be very damaging in a marriage. He should be coming to you with his sexual needs not jerking off to women on a screen. I'm sorry to say that this is probably just the tip of the iceberg. The fact you found the photo doesn't necessarily mean he's not very savvy. He may have just gotten lazy and comfortable.

It's very easy to get round the finance issue. I've had to do it in the past. It's as simple as getting small unnoticeable amounts of cash back from the petrol station or the supermarket and putting it on a pre paid credit card. You don't have to register them but can use them online.

HootyMcTooty · 26/05/2015 22:19

You know you don't have to get over this, it's not a reflection on you if you don't.

badbaldingballerina123 · 26/05/2015 22:24

You need to ask him for that password in person. If you mention it now the content will be deleted.

BeyonceRiRiMadonna · 26/05/2015 22:25

If he let you go through his emails and you found this photo then he doesn't strike me as a master manipulator who's been hiding his tracks.

First rule of cheating, never get caught. Second rule erase all the evidence so you don't get caught.......can you see where I'm going with this? He's a forgetful cheater, he forgot to cover his tracks, just like he forgot he was married!

OP I'm sorry but for you to move on, you need transparency, honesty and the truth do you feel that you are getting that from him?

twistletonsmythe · 26/05/2015 22:30

I agree - there will be another phone/email that you won't know about.

HootyMcTooty · 26/05/2015 22:43

That email account with the secret password will already have been cleared out by now if there's anything there

Namechange41 · 26/05/2015 23:15

I've sent him a text asking for the password and saying that I feel betrayed. I have been guilty of trying to minimise this because I love him and I can't bear to think that our marriage might be over.

OP posts:

Namechange41 · 26/05/2015 23:17

And no, I don't think he has been honest. The more I think about it the more I think I've been played

OP posts:

SagaNorensLeatherTrousers · 26/05/2015 23:22

Does he use the same laptop as you at home?

Namechange41 · 26/05/2015 23:26

For the last 3 months he's been working away Mon to Fri, he takes the laptop with him to watch Dvds on. I'm sooo stupid.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 26/05/2015 23:27

You sent him an email asking for the password ?

Oh dear. You have just sabotaged any chance of getting any evidence.

AnyFucker · 26/05/2015 23:28

sorry, a text

same outcome

SagaNorensLeatherTrousers · 26/05/2015 23:34

I was thinking the same AF. Unless he texts back straightaway with said password then you can bet he's deleting everything as we speak.

Namechange41 · 26/05/2015 23:35

Even with evidence I'm not sure that I would leave. I would want us to try to work through it - his attitude will be more revealing to me than what I might find if you see what I mean. Because he's already done it, and admitted it. I don't believe he has actually met up with a woman (yet)

OP posts:

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Namechange41 · 26/05/2015 23:37

If the email account is empty that is also evidence that he is hiding stuff, so doesn't help him. I want to give him every opportunity to be honest.

OP posts:

Only1scoop · 26/05/2015 23:39

Don't ask him for password over the phone

Sit down in front of screen with him on return and ask him to log into changed account.

AnyFucker · 26/05/2015 23:40

OP, I think you have just (subconsciously or not) given him an out.

It seems you are willing to forgive. You don't want to know any more do you ? Not really. Be honest with yourself if you want him to be honest with you.

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