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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband on dating website

125 replies

Namechange41 · 26/05/2015 15:40

I feel such an idiot. We been together 16 years and I have no reason to think he's actually cheated (I've been through his phone, FB and email) but there he was on a dating site. He says he's sorry and he shouldn't have done it but I can seem to move on. Any advice please, especially if you've been there.

OP posts:

badbaldingballerina123 · 27/05/2015 01:09

I think your probably in a state of shock Op. It's normal and will wear off. It's tempting whilst in this state to minimize and to be very afraid of what this means. It's horrible and I really feel for you.

Original poster

Namechange41 · 27/05/2015 01:25

Final post: we've been on the phone for about an hour. He's admitted that he chose to join the website but then thought better of it. He denies being on any other dating sites, chatting to anyone online or meeting up with anyone. He's agreed that I can monitor his online activity any way I choose. He says it was all his own doing and nothing at all to do with our relationship in that I am no way to blame for his actions. He's very sorry for the pain he has caused me and has asked for a second chance. So I'm left with the choice of believing him or not.

I know you all think that there's more to this and that I am minimising. I will say that in 16 years I've never seen him cry before tonight and if he has been doing more I think it will stop. So we are going to try to rebuild the trust.

I know some of you will think I'm making a mistake, but I choose to believe him because he is not a habitual liar, he is kind and funny and loving and he is devastated by the hurt he had caused me.

Thank you for your kind thoughts and advice. They helped me realise what wad at stake and deal with it head on.

OP posts:

BeyonceRiRiMadonna · 27/05/2015 02:38

GOOD LUCK OP!

PannaDoll · 27/05/2015 04:22

Good luck. I hope you're right and this was an anomaly and not a first sign of something more grim. Take care of yourself.

AnyFucker · 27/05/2015 06:42

Good luck, OP. Let's hope he has realised how much he has devastated your trust.

Cabrinha · 27/05/2015 07:51

Well, good luck.

Can I give you some advice? Get him off the porn sites that you don't like but tolerate. If he is really sorry, now is the time to leverage that. And I don't suggest it as some kind of punishment, or to prove he wants to make it up to you - though neither of those things is bad! I suggest it because I think there's such a fine line between porn and the hook up sites that are EVERYWHERE. And trust me, having an XH who was on them, there are loads

Think about it.

watch a porn video on line
register for a hook up site because it has links to more videos (let's even say, not intending to hook up )
choose a specific girl's video - it's just porn, right?
realise that for just a few quid he can webcam and watch her - I mean, it's just a porn video right? It's live, but it's still not an ACTUAL woman, and only what he'd watch recorded, and you're OK with that... aren't you? You tolerate it...
a few more quid to chat too?

Not everyone escalates from porn this way, of course. But it is shockingly easy how much is out there and how easy to access. And you have a husband who has already given himself permission to join a hook up site. So he has a "risk factor".

Get him off the porn.

Christinayanglah · 27/05/2015 08:03

Good luck op

I agree with cabrinha, I would also get him to speak to someone, this has the makings of a habit and that's a road you really don't want to go down

MilesHuntsWig · 27/05/2015 08:06

Good luck, hope it works out for you both.

HootyMcTooty · 27/05/2015 08:08

Good luck. I agree with Cabrinha too. Now is the time to establish the boundaries and set out your deal breakers.

twistletonsmythe · 27/05/2015 09:16

I agree with Cabrinha too - he needs to stop all of his secretive behaviours, and that includes porn.

AnyFucker · 27/05/2015 09:22

Good advice from cabin ha

if he was truly contrite, he would accept his own risky behaviour and re in it in

it's a shame he let it get this far but hopefully this is his wake up call

if he refuses or calls you jealous/mad/uptight and tries to tell you other women tolerate it so you should too. ...bin him

Jan45 · 27/05/2015 13:49

Hook up sites , webcams ect seem to be a natural progression for many porn users. People have their own ideas about it but I think porn can be very damaging in a marriage. He should be coming to you with his sexual needs not jerking off to women on a screen. I'm sorry to say that this is probably just the tip of the iceberg. The fact you found the photo doesn't necessarily mean he's not very savvy. He may have just gotten lazy and comfortable.

Another one that advises getting him off these sites. Fair enough you don't want to end your marriage but there must be a reason why he went looking - would you if you were happy?

I could never trust him again personally, it's crosses a massive line, it's also humiliating, people can see him on it, nice.

Gabilan · 28/05/2015 13:41

Namechange I agree with Cabrinha, get him off the porn sites.

Just to give a slightly different view, as a single woman I use dating sites. There are men on there who I categorise as "married bored". If I spot them I avoid them. FWIW I don't think they do all cheat, although of course it's a significant step in that direction. I think their marriages hit bad patches and instead of doing what they should do, and actually talking to their wives, they start an alternative online life. Since your husband is already online using porn, as others have said hook up sites are just the next step.

I'm not condoning their actions. No-one who's married should be on a hook up or dating site. But I also think they haven't necessarily been physically unfaithful at that point. If you think your marriage is salvageable don't feel bullied into ltb. I'd be furious with him but if he's prepared to work on things, I don't think you've necessarily reached the point of no return.

Original poster

Namechange41 · 29/05/2015 08:52

Thanks for the support - I was afraid I would get flamed for not leaving.

He rang me the morning after our heart to heart and he had already left FB, cancelled his email addresses, wants to trade his phone for one without interet access. He calls me twice a day to say sorry (he's coming home tonight) and changed his job so that from Monday he will come home every night. So I guess he is really sorry, he's taken all these steps without my asking.

But I still feel like shit.

OP posts:

Cabrinha · 29/05/2015 09:02

I really hope that he's a decent man and you can work this out.

But (sorry!) can I pick you up on something? You said earlier in the thread that from next Monday he would be coming home every night. So is that actually a big gesture to fix things, or what was due to happen next anyway?

Because without that, his gestures are pretty small. So he cancelled the email address he was using? Um - too damn right!

Of course you still feel shit. Don't feel wrong for that. He has a long way to go to regain your trust and make you happy again.

It's not even his fault that his gestures are pretty empty (phoning to say sorry twice a day? Not hard) because the proof of the pudding is the longer term actions.

My own personal experience... I accepted (not believed) his lies. Then I kept finding more. I can't say what you should do, but I know that I wish I'd done: told him to write down everything that I might find, then tell him that it would be over if I found anything else. And meant it.

By all means try to make it work, but it's OK to say in a few months or years "no, you didn't fix it". You're not trapped by any decision you make now.

Original poster

Namechange41 · 29/05/2015 09:11

You're right Cabrinha we had planned to change his working pattern anyway.

I don't think he can do anything else to 'fix' it, as you say it's his longer term actions that count. I keep coming back to what Jan45 said, there must be something that I didn't even know was missing for him to have been interested in the first place. And I can't 'fix' that because I didn't even know about it.

OP posts:

twistletonsmythe · 29/05/2015 09:11

I hope you don't find any more - but I worry that you may.

Is he still going to use online porn too?

You feeling shit is totally understandable.

DrMorbius · 29/05/2015 09:17

I can believe your DH OP, I am very inquisitive, I look at everything on the internet(obviously with the exception of child related stuff). If I read a story, I will search out everything (frankly I have seen some horrible things). I have looked at dating websites, but have absolutely no interest in a hook up. Some sites require joining to get in, so even joining a site can be just being inquisitive (as in my case).

Original poster

Namechange41 · 29/05/2015 09:22

Thanks DrMorbius that's what he says, that he was just curious, but then realised it was a mistake. I've told him that if I ever find out that he's lied then I'm leaving.

I'm not looking forward to seeing him today. From the conversations we've had I think that he wants to make everything ok and what I really need is time.

OP posts:

Dowser · 29/05/2015 09:29

I really, really hope for your sake that this was one aberration. He does need to stop the porn and I would insist on the two of you going to relate because whatever he says now, there was a problem.

Otherwise he wouldn't have gone on a dating site would he?

While he's feeling sad and sorry for himself and what he might have lost is the time to act. So insist on some counselling to teasel out what is going on his head.

Without knowing either of you, I. Would say boredom and he fancied abit of spice.

Maybe it was one error. Maybe he thought better of itbut I would want toget to the bottom of it.
In case if it is boredom....he gets bored again.

My husband worked away and once the worms were out of the can....my god they weren't going back in. Another woman, prostitutes and when he was living with another woman he was still putting himself about on dating sites.

So, now is the time to let him know you mean business while he's full of contrition.

Dowser · 29/05/2015 09:30

Just read your post.

Can you go away for a couple of days.

suzannecanthecan · 29/05/2015 09:38

?
Hook up sites have appox 20 men for every female user, many of the female users are selling sexual services, his chances of getting any 'action' unless he pays for it are very very slim.
The men pay to use the site, women don't, really the sites use female members as bait to get the men to pay the fees.
Free porn sites are full of ads telling men that hundreds of local women are desperate to have no strings sex with them, of course no one thinking rationally would believe that but men jerking off to free porn aren't thinking rationally.
The hook up sites tend to be used mainly as 'wank fodder' because even good looking fit men are very unlikely to get ' lucky'?

Cabrinha · 29/05/2015 09:41

But Suzanne none of that excuses him joining.

twentyten · 29/05/2015 09:51

Would it be worth considering counselling? An opportunity for you to work through how you feel and him to see what he has done and find a way forward?
Good luck op. You sound strong. Hang on to that

nagsandovalballs · 29/05/2015 09:54

"I'm not looking forward to seeing him today."

This says a lot. Don't be brow beaten or guilt tripped into anything that doesn't make you comfortable, happy (as you can be in the circs) and secure. You can always separate for a while and come back together when healing has taken place. You don't have to do everything in a rush, or on his timetable.

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