Brothers new wife is unhinged...what should I do?

[auntyjj]

My brother got married to a very yong woman in her early twenties who's still at university. She's young eve for her age, she's an Arab who was home schooled and is not very well socialised. I met her for the first time this week when they visited and she seemed like a sweet girl, a bit self obsessed and a bit of a show off, but very young and I thought harmless.

So my sister was putting them up for the past week, and last night she arranged a BBQ as my Dad was off away and it was our chance to have a family party. My sister went to a fair amount of trouble as the new wife has very particular dietary requirements.

So anyway, my brother and his wife went out for the day and never showed up to the BBQ. When we phoned them two hours after the BBQ started we were told they weren't coming as they were having dinner with someone else.

So when they got back to my sister's, my sister told my brother it had been rude not to show up and an argument between by brother and sister started. At this point the new wife interject and tells my sister (who's 10 years older) to not speak to her husband that way. My sister asked her to stay out of it. The new wife said she had "preferred lebanese food" and that if going to parties was a condition of staying there, they would stay elsewhere. My sister told her to go right ahead and could not believe how rude she was being.

So then they showed up at my Mums house at midnight. I was there as I am staying with Mum right now as my Dad is going away and Mum is scared on her own.

They came in and the new wife, who's a good 20 years younger than me sat there and told me my sister would "pay the consequences for her actions" and that she was a bitch, and a snake and all sorts of mad things. I could not believe she was sitting there saying those things to me about my sister, especially in front of my 65 year old Mum who was in stunned silence.

I very calmly listened to her and then said "well actually, I do agree it's very rude to now show up to a party you've agreed to come to when you are a guest in someone's home and not even telephone to let your hosts know".

At that, the new wife jumped up, got right on top of me, physically on top of me, pointing her finger in my face and said "keep your opinions to yourself eh sweetheart". It was like Jeremy Kyle! I had only met her once before a few days ago!

She then stormed out to a hotel and is now refusing to come back unless we "show her some respect". My brother is siding with the new wife, my Mum is devastated and horrified at how the new wife attacked me and doesn't want to not see my brother anymore but the wife is clearly completely mad.

How to handle this?

Weebirdie the girl is from the ME, she was home schooled there yes, and went to university in America, where she is currently doing her pdh. My brother splits his time between living with her in US and the ME because he owns a business in the ME, and also his visa has limitations in the USA and she is on a student visa. They met in the ME as she did some work experience for his company during her term holidays. I don't think there's anything unusual about that. The foreign universities are considered better, and as I said, she is very academic.

To be clear, as I said, I grew up in the ME and absolutely do not think this is a race thing at all. I think it is actually more to do with being privileged and unaccountable to anyone which happens in any culture or birthplace. I'd also say (and this is from my own experience) that when I lived there we had servants...everyone did...and I'm not convinced that's a very good way to raise children. Daddy has been paying for the best universities in American at God knows what price for nearly 10 years and she lives in a nice apartment with a nice car etc all on Daddy's buck. I am not sure that kind of lifestyle creates a very world wise and well rounded individual - so for me this has more to do with money / privilege and a superiority complex to people like myself

she says she won't come back to the uk
Hurray!!!!!
I'd tell them to fuck off

Thanks you all for the responses. To clarify, she did not touch me, I was laying down on the sofa and she leaped off the other sofa, ran around to me and got on top off me and wagged her finger in my face VERY aggressively and told me "keep your opinions to yourself SWEEETHEART" in a snarl. It was beyond belief, honestly.

I think I'd have head butted her and I'm normally a very calm, unconfrontational person. You did well keeping calm.

Id ignore. Will wind batshit crazy one up no end. Let them go home. Send them a card at Xmas, let them stew. See if your brother makes any attempt to sort it out. If he doesn't write him a letter saying you love him and will be there for him if and when he wants to contact you. But make it very clear that your SILs behaviour was unacceptable in the extreme. And that you're disappointed that he has condoned her behaviour by saying she needs to be respected, etc.

This kind of behaviour is not normal anywhere and it's not normal in the Middle East either. On the contrary, disrespecting the people that are hosting you is highly offensive, and I have in my 9 years in the region (several countries) never met such people (apart from chronic lateness).

As you said, your brother is a nob and he found someone to match him. Probably an average UK bloke who made some money in Dubai which attracted a pretty young girl who has no social skills.

If I were you and your mom I'd tell him to go back where he lives and not come back until he has found some manners and same counts for his wife. It's just the well known sense of entitlement people develop because they have a marroon red passport and an apartment in a silly overpriced area of the city. Just ignore.

Oh, just read some of your further posts.

Scrap my last bit of advice. Just ignore them and let them fuck off home. Then ignore them a lot more.

Yes well, we did wonder how anyone could put up with my brother and now we know. He met his equal. We felt all this week there was some sort of lolita complex going on here and that he had found someone he could dominate and bully but it seems she is not quite the wallflower we first pictured. To be honest, even before she went mad her behavior was strange. Little things like boasting a lot, almost to a level it was a bit embarrassing to sit there and listen. Just strange in her ways.

I am off out in an hour for the evening for a long standing night out that I couldn't easily cancel so hopefully things will be fine. They seem sheepish if anything and they're being very nice to Mum.

Also very happy she won't come back to the UK. I hope they don't have children, would be very scary to think of how it would translate onto the child. thankfully she spent her first day here regaling us with stories about how much she hates children. Delightful!

I know what you are all saying is right, and that an intervention would probably be the best way and it should have happened long ago, but unfortunately Mum and Dad would not do it. They are the type to try and smooth things over and forget things and I do realise that has probably made it a lot worse over the years.

I am sure the time comes when this relationship will blow apart and I will be there for my brother because I do love him he's my brother. I actually feel quite sad really. Very sad actually because I want to have my brother be a normal brother or to find some way to be happy and get on but it really is just completely impossible. I'd hoped he'd met someone and married and she would "tame" him or make him better. He has such a good side, lovely qualities, but just this other side of intimidation and entitlement that's sometimes awful to hear.

He tried to bill my parents for his student loans once. Honestly!

I don't think there's anything unusual about that. The foreign universities are considered better, and as I said, she is very academic.

Yes, I know. My children and extended family all did their further education at foreign universities.

My point is that to be homeschooled here, (which in my experience is virtually unheard of), would indicate a family where the girls are kept under wraps to the extent a foreign education would not be on the cards for them and neither would marriage to a foreigner be desirable.

Anyway, as I said, this is not adding up.

Im not suggesting for a minute that you're not telling the truth, just that there is a story to be told in this and you and your family are not aware of it.

She was homeschooled because she was some sort of prodigy. As I mentioned I think she did her Alevels at 14 or something silly. As far as i know her sister in in America doing her masters too and actually her pdh is in something to do with women's studies and she's an avid feminist of some sort...looks down on undedicated females. I don't know much about her though! My brother and I never talk so it's all second hand information.

Forget about trying to have a 'normal' relationship with your brother. I'm pretty sure mine has narcissistic personality disorder too and there is just no point. They are not 'normal' despite the fact they may occasionally show a 'good side' and 'some lovely qualities'. They are utterly self-centred people, incapable of having normal relationships, and the sooner you get your head round that the better.

Sorry to be blunt, but I am trying to save you from further heartache, as that's the only place it'll end up. Good idea to keep your DS away from him too by the sounds of things.

Auntyjj, all Im going to say is that there's way more to this than meets the eye. That you and yours should be braced for much more to come.

And you know being a child prodigy just means that someone is very clever. It doesn't mean that all was well with them and I would put money on there being skeletons in this families closet.

Im going on holiday in a few hours so wont be back to your thread.

Im sorry you had such an experience and Im even more sorry for your mum. Perhaps its good that your brother lives overseas.

Hang on - Mum and Dad are scared of him and you're choosing to walk away, leave your mother (who is no doubt consumed with fear, obligation and guilt) to put them up under her roof?!!!! wtf?!!!

Are you scared of him too? Are any of you going to stand up for your mum and look after her?

i would be right there next to my mum, and i'd be telling the db and his mad wife exactly where they stand and that their behaviour is not acceptable. then i'd tell them to fuck to a hotel if they couldn't apologise for their rudeness and never come back.

the only reason he got away with it for so long is because you all pandered to him and never stood up to him. now you're repeating that game with his wife.

If you don't nip this in the bud now it WILL be repeated for many years, don't believe you will have seen then end of them once they go.

Wee is right in that there will be more to this. The sister of my BIL is exactly like this and when BIL stopped sending the monthly allowance for her she threatened suicide. Right now they send home $2500 a month. It has a huge impact on their life and BIL is almost 50 now so they need to save as much as they can. Oh and they use a cheap daycare that isn't great when with this money they could have a properly trained amazing nanny.

So he chooses to behave horribly to you but can manage to control himself for his wife's family? he sounds an absolute knob.

I'd cut all contact - certainly don't offer to have them to stay! You can't possibly love him - he sounds hideous.

Going NC would be no loss. Don't let him get away with it! That's just enabling his behaviour.

sorry the pair of them would have to fuck right off. I truly am not sentimental about life and family ties, pisstaking is pisstaking.

Do you REALLY need a relationship with your brother? He sounds like a pain in the ass. In your shoes I wouldn't be wasting time listening to his opinon on the price of chips, the man is an idiot. Stop enabling him for God's sake, if they're so precious they can stay elsewhere. I wouldn't care less about the ins & outs of the possible reasons for their behaviour. So what?

I can hardly believe the stories I hear at times. How awful for you. If she'd have got in my face or on top of me like that furthermore disrespecting my mum by going on like that in front of her Id have punched her bloody lights out and if my "dear brother" had tried to have a go then Id call the police immediately. Get them carted off, as they deserve. Putting up with aggression like that? No way. This one really has me scratching my head...

Well, I went out last night and when I got home had a text from Mum asking me to pop round, so I did and it had all taken a new turn. Mum had gone to bed, and brother and wife had been left in the lounge and brother's wife read brothers texts on his phone from me and Mum saying her behavior was a disgrace and apparently it all hit the fan again with her crying and threatening to leave and making a big scene. In the end apparently she phoned her Dad and he told her to behave herself and not to drive a wedge between brother and his family or to be rude (obviously he knows his daughter!), and after that Mum said she was crying and contrite to my brother and he told her he needed her to get on with his family and she was saying "it's because I love you" and Mum said if she loved him she'd treat his family nicely. Not sure anyone notices my brother doesn't treat us nicely either, but anyway!

I wasn't there so missed all this but when I got round she apologised to me quite extensively. Not saying I don't think they're both mad as a box of frogs with quite serious issues, but it seems at least peace was achieved which I know will comfort Mum when they go off home. I do know it will happen again of course, it always does, but anyway. Mum is happy and that was all I really wanted. As they are here so seldom I suppose it doesn't matter too much.

Well at least peace is restored for now but it's fair to say the writing is on the wall!

I'm with AnotherEmma, this all sounds very strange. You've suggested that her age, family wealth and her educational achievements have contributed to her 'spoilt princess' personality and living off "Daddy's buck" has not resulted in a well rounded and world wise person (whatever that means). Given your detailed personality diagnostic skills on second hand info of your SIL, I'd love to hear your musings on your brother, especially since you have access to so much first hand data on his background.

This woman's behaviour was unpleasant but the real problem is your abusive dick of a brother and the myopic family he comes from. Your focus is on her because it's more convenient, then acknowledging the contributions of you and your parents to your dysfunctional family dynamic. Your denial is perfectly illustrated by your "being there for him when it all blows apart" comment. He was an abusive twat before he met this woman, he's still an abusive twat now he's married and if they split, my money's on him being an abusive twat in the future. Your parents are scared of their own son FFS!

It's ok not to like this woman on the simple grounds that she is unpleasant but I can't work out if your intimidated or jealous of her 'privilege'.

Oh and it's never the responsibility of spouses to 'tame' or 'make better' abusive twat siblings but everything is resolved now, so everyone can go back to pretending.

Good points Isetan! I had noticed the comment about hoping a wife might "fix" him as well

I think that's the real issue here AnotherEmma, the SIL hasn't 'fixed' him.

Had there been a 'Lolita' type dynamic to the relationship the OP would have pitied the SIL (further confirming the Op's good person credentials) but because she appears to be his match, she's now the misdirected focus for the family's fury.

Ooft! Well, I'd disagree with you on quite a lot there.

The first one being that I absolutely think people can be positively influenced by a spouse, have met many a people to have improved their ways by being in company that positively influences them. I've seen many men "turn around" after meeting the right woman and yes...as I had a selfish, aggressive brother I HAD hoped his marriage might have softened him and been a positive influence.

Secondly, no the real issue is not that his wife didn't tame him, it's that my new SIL verbally attacked and physically intimated me and wrought havoc on my Mother on the second time I met her, which I think is enough of an issue without their needing to be a "real one" hidden behind it

Third of all, while you might not understand it, for me, my brother means something to me because I grew up with him. I loved him for a lot of years and shared a family and a home with him so there's a part of me that will always feel that connection to him. She on the other hand is a complete stranger. My fury at my brother has been a constant for a lot of years, I avoid him where I can, but he is still my brother. I didn't expect on this visit to find I now had two of them to deal with. My focus is not on her because it's more convenient, it's on her because she's the one who attacked me and I was shocked and never saw it coming.

And yes, my parents are probably myopic, in fact my whole family probably is, but it's not my decision to make how they want to deal with it. My decision is whether to make more trouble, cause my parents more stress (and my Dad had a mild stroke a few months back) or just forget it, be glad they are off home and keep the peace. I think that from my perspective that was the best decision for me and my family because chances are we won't see them for another 5 years.

aunty as you probably already know here on MN you'll always find a number of posters who will pick holes in your experience and choice of words. Remember though that YOU are the one on the ground so to speak and your perception of the situation is probably more accurate than a load of randoms on MN.

Seems to have worked out as well as could be expected and as you say, hopefully you'll not have to see or deal with them for a good few years.

Being near to physically attacked and having your mother shouted at would put anyone off someone . I don't think you need to look any deeper than that!

My DB was abroad for years, he would come home once in a blue moon and we all (stupidly I now realize) made long journeys for the few hours they deigned to spend with us (always talking about themselves and their exciting life, no interest in ours).

Make the effort once every five years to see DB, or however seldom it is, but don't waste your life trying to smooth things between your DB, DSIL and DM, it is your DM's decision how much contact she has, you will just get regularly stressed if you consider it your job to smooth over the issues, your DB has chosen his life, leave him to it. You can support your DM in other ways.

To be fair Norah your brother had made a pretty long journey to see you lot already! It's a bit of a nightmare if you are then expected to spend most of your precious annual leave slogging up and down the motorway in a hire car or dragging your suitcase on and off intercity trains and staying two nights here, three nights there, trying to fit in all the family and friends on both sides who want/expect to see you, and who might live at opposite ends of the country. Why should it be so wrong that he picks one place to base himself and asks some of you to travel to him, when he's already come thousands of miles?