Brothers new wife is unhinged...what should I do?

[auntyjj]

My brother got married to a very yong woman in her early twenties who's still at university. She's young eve for her age, she's an Arab who was home schooled and is not very well socialised. I met her for the first time this week when they visited and she seemed like a sweet girl, a bit self obsessed and a bit of a show off, but very young and I thought harmless.

So my sister was putting them up for the past week, and last night she arranged a BBQ as my Dad was off away and it was our chance to have a family party. My sister went to a fair amount of trouble as the new wife has very particular dietary requirements.

So anyway, my brother and his wife went out for the day and never showed up to the BBQ. When we phoned them two hours after the BBQ started we were told they weren't coming as they were having dinner with someone else.

So when they got back to my sister's, my sister told my brother it had been rude not to show up and an argument between by brother and sister started. At this point the new wife interject and tells my sister (who's 10 years older) to not speak to her husband that way. My sister asked her to stay out of it. The new wife said she had "preferred lebanese food" and that if going to parties was a condition of staying there, they would stay elsewhere. My sister told her to go right ahead and could not believe how rude she was being.

So then they showed up at my Mums house at midnight. I was there as I am staying with Mum right now as my Dad is going away and Mum is scared on her own.

They came in and the new wife, who's a good 20 years younger than me sat there and told me my sister would "pay the consequences for her actions" and that she was a bitch, and a snake and all sorts of mad things. I could not believe she was sitting there saying those things to me about my sister, especially in front of my 65 year old Mum who was in stunned silence.

I very calmly listened to her and then said "well actually, I do agree it's very rude to now show up to a party you've agreed to come to when you are a guest in someone's home and not even telephone to let your hosts know".

At that, the new wife jumped up, got right on top of me, physically on top of me, pointing her finger in my face and said "keep your opinions to yourself eh sweetheart". It was like Jeremy Kyle! I had only met her once before a few days ago!

She then stormed out to a hotel and is now refusing to come back unless we "show her some respect". My brother is siding with the new wife, my Mum is devastated and horrified at how the new wife attacked me and doesn't want to not see my brother anymore but the wife is clearly completely mad.

How to handle this?

Yep, knew he'd always been like this.

You all sound lovely but he's been allowed to get away with this for decades.

There's no point in 'living' an abusive, entitled twat who thinks he's better than all
of you, is there?

Just drop the pair of them. Your mums useless and shouldnt be having them to stay or loving and facilitating the behaviour of her nasty arsehole son. She should have knocked it on the head yonks ago.

Call the police when they turn. They WILL turn! You must not listen to your mum when she tries to 'keep the peace'.

'Loving' not 'living'

I thought in Middle East societies the brother's wife has to defer to his mother and his sisters?

However it sounds like your brother is as bad as her and you are in a hide into nothing to make him see sense.

I assume your brother despises women but will support his wife over any other women as she is "his", he will probably turn on her if there isn't anyone else to victimise.

You may have to cut the pair of them off, you won't get anything but grief from them.

Yes - agree "trying to keep the peace" = "giving in to the bully"

He's beyond help now. There is no relationship to save.

It seems to me that your brother's wife is very spoiled and accustomed to getting her own way.

It also seems that both she and your brother may be trying to apply her cultural background in the UK, which is not going to work (unless perhaps your family is also of Arab background?) Assuming you are British (or similar), it is very presumptuous of them to think that her culture trumps yours, while in the UK. You would, I imagine, be expected to conform to her culture if in her home country, and the same should apply here. Respect has to be earned - it is not a right.

the man that my brother IS....no, I want no relationship with. But of course there is that love you have for who he was when he was young that never goes away.

He has also called my Dad a loser, said if he'd had more money he would have had a house bought for him like his friends did :/ Mum and Dad are scared of him. He's volatile to the nth degree. Everything is someone else's fault. He can do no wrong.

What I do want is for my Mum to not have all this. She wants he children to get on, she wants to not have this put on her and the fact that the new wife did it in my Mum's house with her watching is what makes it worse.

What a way to make a good impression on your new mother in law? At one point she shouted at My Mum too and then refused to sit in her house and waited on the steps for almost an hour. To call her a spoiled princess is being kind. She is actually unhinged, genuinely. I've never seen anyone behave like that and to think this is her first time meeting her new family it speaks volumes about how little she and my brother must think of us.

He has very openly said he thinks he is better than all of us.

You do not mention if your DF is still about? but your db does sound as though he thinks he is the "man" of the family and you and your DS should be respectful of his position. Although I am a tad surprised mad-sister-in law would be disrespectful in front of your DM.

If your db still lives in the ME, just ignore him, you won't change him from afar.

Last point do you think you db could be on drugs?

Your mum has to be realistic about her son - it will be hard for her, but he will always treat her like dirt.
She's better concentrating on her children who are not personality disordered.

Yes my Dad is still about, but he went away for two weeks last night, hence the party as it was the only day we could all get together as a group. the party was in honour of my brother and his wife, so it really was terribly rude to not show up.

We have not told Dad, it would upset him, but he knows perfectly well what brother is like and had he been here - he would have thrown the little bitch out himself.

My brother's wife seemed to take the attitude that her leaving was somehow a punishment to my sister....but my sister f course is over the moon to be rid of them as she said the woman had been rude and offensive and spoiled all week. Apparently she'd had a fit losing at a board game :/

The mad sister in law seems to have zero respect at all for My Mum. She was rude to Mum too. Mum says she's ever disliked anyone more.

'Mum and Dad are scared of him'

For fucks sake, that's dreadful - you are all being bullied and controlled by one arsehole. You must encourage them to drop him, they shouldn't be living in fear of their son.

No DB isn't on drugs. I think he has narcissistic personality disorder though. We have thought that for years. He's honestly abnormal. He once screamed extensively at my DC for "disrespecting him". DC was 6....???!!!!!! It was incredible.

Well your brother and his wife sound perfectly matched! They both sound like deeply unpleasant people.

I am extranged from my brother who, like yours, has always been an entitled idiot. The 'volatile' description suits him perfectly. In recent years, he became extremely angry, rude, threatening and downright scary and after trying to keep up contact because I felt I 'should' (and was under pressure from my parents to play happy families), I decided that life was too short. I totally understand your sadness and the residual 'love' that you feel - he's your brother, he's always been there, you've always had a link to him. But your own wellbeing, sanity and self respect must come first at all times. You don't own your brother, or indeed your mother, anything in terms of keeping the peace. Its down to the bully to change their own behaviour, not for everyone else to pander to them.

I'm sorry you're going through this, it sucks She does indeed sound deeply unhinged.

They both sound absolutely awful. I think the best thing for you and the rest of your family would be to cut all contact with them, or at the very least keep it extremely limited. I would never have either of them to stay!

I would stop all contact with him, they sound like a right pair of trouble makers you could all do without. Let him tell you he never wants to see you again and disappear. It will hurt your mother, but she will be much more hurt if this sort of carry on happens again. And again. And again. Sometimes it's best to just turn around and let people go. Until they are ready to have relationships on equal terms, which might well be never.

Your brother is as bad as she is. He let her continue to snarl at you. That is not an acceptable way to treat anyone, let alone a sibling.

She does sound mental. She is either really unwell or has been given the princess treatment all her life.

Actually, it sounds like they deserve each other. It will be hard for your poor Mum but i think you do have to go NC.

I too live in the ME and am married to someone from here and disrespecting family would get very short shrift in any functional family.

Gobbo your DH's friend just sounds weird. There are cultural differences but turning up unannounced at someone's house, especially when they have young children would be strange even here. I wish every idiot who wants to do as he pleases would stop blaming his 'culture'. It gives us all a bad name!

On the other hand, I could be on to a winner next time I visit. "Sorry, Mum, but in DH's culture you have to care for altered's children so she can go out with her friends." "Our culture demands cooked meals served to our schedule, I'm afraid."

Cross-post... he screamed at your 6 year-old child?! And you're still in contact with him?!

Jeezo they sound like a pair of total
assholes. How long are they in the country for?

Hi Auntyjj

As someone who has recently gone non-contact with a toxic member of family, I may have some insight.

The fact that this SIL is unhinged is neither here nor there. Nor the fact that your DM would love all of you to get on and not quarrel.

What is important is that you've described your DB as someone who has screamed at your DC. For me - THAT is enough reason to go at least low-contact with him. He sounds like he is a thoroughly unpleasant individual, so to add a terrible wife on top of it and his living abroad means I think that a quick message to say "I'll be there for you one day when you need it, but in the meantime I wish you well" and leave it at that would be on my cards.

They live abroad - you don't have to see them often at all. If they want to stay with your DPs and scare the shit out of them, that is your DPs problem. Don't let your mum guilt you into thinking you have to mend bridges. I was forced into a relationship by my mum for years with someone who was truly harmful for me, and it was only when I finally said "no more" that i had some control back in my life.

Yes, at my sisters wedding, my six year old child called him a name (it was a bit rude but not a swear word, he was only six and didn't understand what he was saying) and my brother made a scene the likes of which you would not believe. "how dare you disrespect me" etc, and he stormed out of the wedding.

I was so shocked, DS was crying...it was awful.

I have forgives so many of these episodes but am not taking it from the bloody wife now too...

She is meant to be here another week. He is meant to be here for another 2 - 3 weeks. They are driving my Mum mad anyway, they keep calling asking her to pick them up - as if taxis and buses are not appropriate and Mum is old, she doesn't need to be chauffeuring grown adults. Mum is really hoping they go home.

I grew up in the ME and agree it's unfair to tarnish a culture with the brush of being unhinged because that's absolutely not the case. Some of my very best friends come from Arab families - in which women are respected.

What i WILL say though is that I witnessed a certain breed of young woman there who's Mummy and Daddy were very rich, the type who was home schooled, had servant and was taught to be superior and this little cow is most certainly one of those. She did her A levels at the age of 14, she went to university at 15 (Harvard no less) then onto her PHD. She's never had a job, never had any friends and went directly from Mummy and Daddy to marriage. She;s no clue of the real world and clearly sees my family as inferior to her - probably due to my brother's encouragement to see her as such. None of us were invited to their wedding, nor even told about it until after the fact.

"I have forgives so many of these episodes but am not taking it from the bloody wife now too..."

I'm going to be blunt here and just say it. You're being a bit of a hypocrite. It's understandable to be more forgiving to a family member than someone you've just met, but... Your brother's behaviour towards you and the rest of your family is absolutely appalling. Just because he's your brother doesn't mean he should get away with it. And now you're demonising his wife, who you barely know. Yes she sounds awful, but there's no point blaming her when the root cause of all the problems is YOUR BROTHER.

It all sounds really awful for you. However, the good news is that they don't live in the same country as you! So once they've gone back home after this trip it'll be up to you whether you stay in touch much, or at all.

Reading between the lines, it sounds as if none of your family attended DB's wedding to this woman. Is this right? If so, he must have been happy to live his own life out in the ME without much input from his family. I'd let them get on with it - they sound perfect for each other!!

Oh I agree Emma, I just honestly do it for my parent's sake. It's really hard to be the one who refuses to let it go, and after one of his "episodes" he always shows up a few months later as if nothing happened. To be the one who says "hang on, something DID happen" suddenly makes you feel like the troublemaker. It's very difficult to see your parents suffer and I don't think they know what to do either.

I know she might well be no worse than my brother, but you do expect someone to show their very worse side around siblings but what you don;t expect is for someone to arrive to meet their new in laws and behave that way.

My brother is an immense dick head, but I know when he is at his in laws house he would behave absolutely perfectly.

x-post. I see you say none of the family was invited by DB to the wedding. Well there you have your answer. You are not important to him. Fine - I'm sure you will do better without this narcissistic duo in your lives.

Yes, I agree he will go back.

They have some nerve as they are coming round to Mum's now, knowing that I am here. I will just ignore them. I can't go out and be polite after that.

I hope Mum just doesn't allow them to make any more trouble under her roof.