Brothers new wife is unhinged...what should I do?

[auntyjj]

My brother got married to a very yong woman in her early twenties who's still at university. She's young eve for her age, she's an Arab who was home schooled and is not very well socialised. I met her for the first time this week when they visited and she seemed like a sweet girl, a bit self obsessed and a bit of a show off, but very young and I thought harmless.

So my sister was putting them up for the past week, and last night she arranged a BBQ as my Dad was off away and it was our chance to have a family party. My sister went to a fair amount of trouble as the new wife has very particular dietary requirements.

So anyway, my brother and his wife went out for the day and never showed up to the BBQ. When we phoned them two hours after the BBQ started we were told they weren't coming as they were having dinner with someone else.

So when they got back to my sister's, my sister told my brother it had been rude not to show up and an argument between by brother and sister started. At this point the new wife interject and tells my sister (who's 10 years older) to not speak to her husband that way. My sister asked her to stay out of it. The new wife said she had "preferred lebanese food" and that if going to parties was a condition of staying there, they would stay elsewhere. My sister told her to go right ahead and could not believe how rude she was being.

So then they showed up at my Mums house at midnight. I was there as I am staying with Mum right now as my Dad is going away and Mum is scared on her own.

They came in and the new wife, who's a good 20 years younger than me sat there and told me my sister would "pay the consequences for her actions" and that she was a bitch, and a snake and all sorts of mad things. I could not believe she was sitting there saying those things to me about my sister, especially in front of my 65 year old Mum who was in stunned silence.

I very calmly listened to her and then said "well actually, I do agree it's very rude to now show up to a party you've agreed to come to when you are a guest in someone's home and not even telephone to let your hosts know".

At that, the new wife jumped up, got right on top of me, physically on top of me, pointing her finger in my face and said "keep your opinions to yourself eh sweetheart". It was like Jeremy Kyle! I had only met her once before a few days ago!

She then stormed out to a hotel and is now refusing to come back unless we "show her some respect". My brother is siding with the new wife, my Mum is devastated and horrified at how the new wife attacked me and doesn't want to not see my brother anymore but the wife is clearly completely mad.

How to handle this?

Blimey - these people who demand respect never ever treat others with respect in turn.
Your brother is a total arse and it doesn't look like he will ever be the brother you once liked - sorry.

It really does sound like you need to detach completely (as least for the medium term).

It is for your DM to deal with them if they are driving her mad. Yes, she is elderly, but she has the ability to say no. If she continues to use you as an intermediary to her upset it just spreads the poison throughout the family. Again, I realised after decades that my Mum had the be the one to finally stand up to the abusive member of the family, because as her children, all we could do is watch with horror and get deeply upset about it all. I'm sorry she is going through all this, but you have to protect yourself, and your DCs most of all. It's because of contact with your DB that your 6YO had that awful experience (on your Dsis wedding day?!?!) so that needs to be stopped. Now.

I think it is time to be honest with everyone, including your brother, and let the relationship go. There is nothing in it for you except abuse anyway.

'It's very difficult to see your parents suffer and I don't think they know what to do either'

Ok, just a thought..... Your brother behaves appallingly because he has always been allowed to behave that way. Who sets the tone for how a child / young person behaves? The parents. I'm not saying that they deserve to be treated so dreadfully, but they do have a huge amount of responsibility to bear for having created this monster. Thinking this way has helped me hugely when I was stuck with taking responsibility for the awful problems my brother caused in my family.

It is very hard to be the one who refuses to go along with happy families, but you really do need to think of yourself here. You are also not responsible for your mother's happiness. Its up to her to make the rules in her own home.

I do agree that if my son acted even 1% of the way he does I would tell him to pack his bags and piss off. It's hard for my Mum, she is very non confrontational.

I have told her that when they get here I am leaving her, and that I really hope she sets down a rule that she will not sit here listening to them badmouthing her daughters under her roof. I hope she listens.

Why do you love him? He doesn't love you.

The kindest thing you could do for your parents is stand up to him, refuse to have him in your homes or see him at theirs. That would set an example and make it easier for them to follow suit - at the moment they're probably just trying to 'keep the family together' for your sake. Let them off that hook.

'I have told her that when they get here I am leaving her'

Good for you OP

I agree Lottie. My sister has said they're never welcome in her home again and her husband said the same. I should probably draw a line under this now.

Simple - don't see either of them again.

I am quite familiar with the "never lived in the real world" type. It's a huge chasm, which you can only hope will be crossed one day when (if?) these people finally see the real world catching up with them.
There's nothing you can do other than let them get on with it, preferably as far away from you as possible. May they be happy (doubt it, with two volatile tempers in the same household).

As for youth mum, who sounds a lot like mine, I'm afraid she can't have it both ways. It's her and your dad's poor parenting (harsh but true) which has lead to this behavior in their son. They will say that the raised all their children the same, how comes he's the only one like this, it must be something inherent or genetic in them. Bollocks - you give each child what they need, not a blanket template that you hope each one will fit into. It's tough when you're 60+, but your mum is now reaping the consequences of her (in)actions. It is grossly wrong of her to put the burden of this on you or your sister, as it risks spoiling the relationships she has with you too. Cancer spreads.

You will need to establish very firm boundaries, protecting yourself, your DC, your relationship with your parents. Your brother is a grown man who clearly thinks he can look after himself. I would wish him all the vey best, be there when the shit hits the fan, but otherwise stay well away and tell my parents not to involve me - it's kinder that way.

Auntyjj - you say you are at your Dmums house because she doesn't like being alone. If you DB is there then you have no reason to need to be there too.

I would get out of there asap and get some distance from this. If you Dmum chooses to continue to tolerate their behaviour then that is her choice. It doesn't sound like she is entirely feeble, so she needs to take ownership of how she wants to be treated by them.

I don't think you can blame the parents for everything. The girls seem to be ok! My brother is the youngest of 4, only boy, rather spoilt. He is quite arrogant but at the same time he, and OP's brother, are adults and as such have to take responsibility for their own actions and words! And my brother is nowhere near as bad as this guy.. I can see he is cocky and yes it's easy to blame parents but...

Yes, I think you do have to draw a line under this and cut them out

She's an immature girl (described by you) who was witnessing a fight between her new husband and his sister, (they were rude for not coming to the party, but then I think your brother and sister were rude to get into an argument in front of his new wife too actually, a stranger to your sister) she tried to intervene to defend him and then things have gone downhill. So she didn't react well, fair enough.

But, I don't understand why you are focussing on her at all.

You should be angry with your brother.
His new wife is inconsequential.
Anyway, she might mature, they might divorce and you'll never see her again, she might apologise.

Your brother supposedly owes you more, owes you respect and love, he is giving you neither. It sounds like he hasn't matured, plus he hasn't apologised for past transgressions and crimes.
Why are you talking and thinking so much about her, a stranger, instead of him? When he sounds much worse and to be honest, she is just a young woman who means nothing to you.

How's the visit going op?

Yes the fault is with the brother but it's not unreasonable to be pissed off with the SIL also.

She behaved appallingly.

Going against the grain a bit I'm not sure I would leave my mum alone with them.

I know she has to decide if she is going to stand up to her son but this is not going to be an overnight change.

I'm not sure why I am focussing on her, but maybe just because it;s more shocking from a stranger and a guest than it is from someone else.

In my sister's defence...I know exactly how that "argument would have gone".

SISTER: "I spent a really long time and a lot of effort putting together a party for the family to get together for the first time in 10 years tonight, and you are a guest here, it was done for you and you didn't show up or even call"

BROTHER: "go fuck yourself".

This is EXACTLY how he would have spoken to me, so you are left with a choice with my brother to either day nothing, or face the wrath.

The wife did not just interject to defend her husband...she interjected to inform my sister that absolutely no one told her where to be and when, and that if she wanted lebanese food she would have it and that if being told where to be was a condition of staying at her house they would stay elsewhere.

I am not sure how in my sister's position they did not actually throw them both down the stairs. I am not an argumentative person, but my brother could get an argument out of Jesus himself.

He's not got here yet.

Maybe its less painful to focus on her because you have no relationship with her? Its deeply shocking and painful to accept that a close family member can treat you with zero respect

I also have to leave my Mum because there's only two bedrooms. He was meant to be staying at my sisters, so now he will have to stay at Mum's which leaves no bed for me and DS even if I wanted to stay. Certainly not sleeping on the sofa so HRH and prince twat can be comfortable, which they'd no doubt expect.

They just walked in. Quite funny as neither of them have their clothes or even a toothbrush as they got left at my sister's. No sympathy here!!!

I might be in my forties, but I am still not going to say hello. They can bugger off unless there's an apology.

Bearing in mind that she launched into physically intimidating me and calling me "sweetheart in the style of one of the Mitchell Brother's from Eastenders because I said "actually, I do think it was quite rude not to show up", it probably gives you an idea of quite how little my sister probably contributed to the argument.

I think you should leave OP. Much better for you not to be under the same roof as them.
If you are criticised you could say you're "being sensitive" and "don't want to provoke another argument"
Honestly, you need to walk away and avoid getting involved any more.
This is your mum's problem to deal with.

I agree with Emma. You deserve better than spending time with such rotten people

WRT the comments re your DM and your DB:

What I do want is for my Mum to not have all this.
but enablement of DB has caused this. Sadly she has to understand this, and take partial responsibility. the entire family has, somehow, allowed him to get away with it.

She wants her children to get on, that is never going to happen unless DB sorts himself out. Snowball's chance in hell (see ME mentality and men - once they are in that particular twat territory, no hope sadly. Not all ME men are like that, but more are than are not IME)

she wants to not have this put on her and the fact that the new wife did it in my Mum's house with her watching is what makes it worse.
the blame here lies with her son, DB, he sees it as acceptable for his mother to be treated like this, and for his sisters too. Sadly even though she is the way she is, she's taking the lead from him.

The ONLY option you have is - AS A FAMILY - corner the pair and read them the bloody riot act, state that NEVER ever will they have any right to treat anyone of you like this again. Respect is earned not demanded and they have no right to threaten, terrorise or mistreat any member of the family.

It needs to be stressed too that this situation is NOT how families are supposed to be and if they took their heads out of their arses and looked, they would see this.

I'd also tell them to leave, and not come back until they understood this and were prepared to apologise. this has to be as a family, so call everyone around and give them an intervention.

AND DON'T YOU DARE LEAVE YOUR MOTHERS, THEY need to find alternative accommodation. You would be well within your rights to insist that someone who threatened you is NOT allowed to share the same roof as you.

He was meant to be staying at my sisters, so now he will have to stay at Mum's

No. There was a perfectly good arrangement set up.

He blew it, he needs to fix it and sort out his own life. He kicks off? call the police. Seriously.

Hate bullies. Family Bullies are the worst.

^ The problem with this is that it's the mother's house so she gets to decide whether her son and DIL can stay. Only the mother can tell them they're not welcome in her house. If she lets them stay, I think the OP should leave.