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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DP lies, and claims to do so because of me. How can I change?

82 replies

whatonearth23 · 18/05/2015 11:54

DP of 3 years has lied to me for all I know from day 1. Although I've only got wise to it recently. Examples - us both planning to buy a house then finding he was looking at his own flat to buy without me, his reason was that he was scared to tell me the truth in case we argued, and that had always had a plan that he would buy alone before buying with someone else. Another example was telling his family and friends but not me, that he was considering moving 6 hours away for a new job, his reason for lying was that he didnt want to upset me...

There have been many other lies - big and small.

We have discussed it a lot. Generally speaking, the smaller lies are done to protect me, and I genuinely think DP believes he is protecting me by not being wholly honest. BUT - he has managed to turn this around by blaming me, in a weird way...saying that he 'didn't want another argument.' When I ask why he assumes there would be an argument if he was just honest, and highlight to him that we are guaranteed to have an argument when he lies..he then apologises and says he understands. Then he will do it again, days later.

It has got to the point where I am feeling responsible for it all... he makes me feel like I am so unreasonable that I will not listen to him if he dares to be honest. This is not the case at all, quite the opposite in fact. However, the more he has lied, the more pressured the relationship has become, because I naturally question him and second-guess him now.

I feel like a rubbish partner because my DP claims he doesnt tell me the truth to 'avoid an argument.' I dont know how we got here becuase I never thought I was the sort of person to not be open-minded and not appreciate my partner's needs...now I am questioning everything because each time I fall out with DP and tell him to stop lying, he says he only does it to avoid arguments...he clearly thinks I am unable to listen to him and his needs.

I feel crap and confused and I don't know why he feels this way or what I've done wrong.

Any advice really welcome.

OP posts:

flippinada · 18/05/2015 11:56

You aren't actually doing anything wrong you know, but he is, big time. Please don't blame yourself for this.

Miggsie · 18/05/2015 11:57

You haven't done anything wrong - he's a liar and he's trying to blame you for his own shortcomings.

I assume what he refers to as "arguments" are in fact, you putting forward your point of view?

He doesn't respect you, he wants everything his own way.

How can small lies protect you? Does he think you are three years old?
He's just arranging things to suit himself and string you along.

Lots of men don't lie - find one of those.

Original poster

whatonearth23 · 18/05/2015 11:58

An example of him lying to protect me would be with work. Ie his work send him overseas and he doesn't tell me that they have asked him to stay say a few days longer, until the last minute, even if I have asked him outright about it.

I will then get angry that he lied, and he will say that that is the exact reason why he didn't tell me in the first place.

So confused with it all.

OP posts:

AlpacaMyBags · 18/05/2015 12:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Reginafalangie · 18/05/2015 12:01

He is a liar. He is in the wrong not you.

It really is that simple OP. To blame you for him CHOOSING to lie to you is manipulative.
Please remember everytime he lies it is his choice because you have no idea what is going on so there is actually no need to lie in the first place iyswim.

Ditch him. You will never be able to trust him and that is all down to him.

GrumpleMe · 18/05/2015 12:02

He's conflict avoidant. He has put you in the role of parent, someone he has to rebel against and sneak around on.

He won't change. Not without a miraculous awakening of self awareness, and a ton of therapy.

ItIsntJustAPhase · 18/05/2015 12:02

I'm not surprised you are confused. He makes no sense. I would stop trying to figure out the reasons and stop believing his massive lie that you are somehow to blame. Normal phone don't behave like this.

senua · 18/05/2015 12:02

Those are fairly big life events: buying a flat or getting a job 6 hours away. If he can't discuss these things (i.e. is not at all interested in your opinions on how his actions might affect your life) then I don't see that your relationship has much future.

Please don't change. He is the problem, not you.

OTheHugeManatee · 18/05/2015 12:02

You're doing nothing wrong. He is a cowardly twat who is mindfucking you into taking responsibility for his cowardice and twattery.

TBH the only area where you might share responsibility for this nonsense is in your (to me baffling) decision to stay in a relationship with someone who lied about planning to buy a house with you while flat-hunting only for himself.

ItIsntJustAPhase · 18/05/2015 12:02

Normal PEOPLE, sorry.

NorahDentressangle · 18/05/2015 12:03

Have a look at the relationships he has with his parents /siblings. This hasn't come from nowhere, but is not to do with you, it's him behaving oddly, for a reason he is probably in denial about.

Nolim · 18/05/2015 12:03

A minur lie is one thing but his does he expects you to react when he makes life changing decisions without telling you?

Tell him that you will consider every situation on a case by case basis and try not to overreact. Separate the anger about the trip or whatever and the anger about the lie. But is he really thinking that you reactiob is going to be worst if he tells you on a timely maner??

badtime · 18/05/2015 12:03

You have done nothing wrong.

The reason he thinks there will be arguments is because he makes unreasonable decisions without consulting you. It is perfectly understandable if you argue with someone who has no consideration for you when making decisions that affect you.

A better way to avoid arguments would be to make decisions collaboratively and put his point across is a reasonable manner. But he doesn't do this.

He is not trying to avoid arguments. He is trying to avoid having to give a shit about you.

Original poster

whatonearth23 · 18/05/2015 12:04

norah he has had a broken upbringing with dad leaving and mother who is hugely emotionally dependent on him. I don't think that explains the constant lying to me...who knows.

OP posts:

Stinkersmum · 18/05/2015 12:05

OP do you live together now?

sebsmummy1 · 18/05/2015 12:05

I had one of these and I got rid. Total fantasist but his excuse was trying to protect me

Reluctant2ndtimer · 18/05/2015 12:06

Op the only way you can change to improve this situation is to stop accepting his (frankly weird) behaviour and dump his lying arse.
It's him, not you.

GiddyOnZackHunt · 18/05/2015 12:07

You are the problem in as much as you want open and honest communication and respect from someone who is incapable of that.
Are you wrong to want those things? Of course not.

Nydj · 18/05/2015 12:09

OP, overall, are you happy with the person that you are? If so, why would you want to change for someone who persistently lies about things to you and is, at best, a coward?

Allalonenow · 18/05/2015 12:09

Liars do not lie to protect or help other people, liars lie to make their own lives easier.
He is lying when he tells you he is trying to protect you.

You already know that he has lied to you about major life events, he will not change, liars live their whole lives falsely.

You will never be able to trust anything he tells you, do not buy a house with this man, leave him as soon as you can and find yourself an honest man who will love and respect you.

Aussiemum78 · 18/05/2015 12:12

He sounds like the type to get a vasectomy and let you ttc without telling you. Or get you into debt without telling you. Or leave without telling you first.

You will never feel secure with him. I'd cut your losses unless you are happy to leave every life decision up to him.

Crowquill · 18/05/2015 12:13

It's him.

Not you.

Original poster

whatonearth23 · 18/05/2015 12:14

I just feel so sad and confused by it. I really loved him and he ruins so many things for us because of all the constant lying and subsequent mis-trust.

He even said the other day that he couldn't help it?!

I don't get it. I support him as much as I can and I do everything to help/love/appreciate him.

OP posts:

Thenapoleonofcrime · 18/05/2015 12:15

He seems to be lying about huge life decisions which he knows would devastate you, rightly so, if you found out about them. Why would you think this was your problem?

He's quite clever really, because he's doing some plainly deceptive and undermining things which suggest he's not committed to you, but somehow you have managed to feel to blame. I suggest you seize back the initiative and tell him that not only his lies, but his planned actions have made you doubt this is the relationship for you.

Would it have been better if he planned to move 6 hours away or buy a house by himself but had been honest? Wouldn't you have left anyway?

Jan45 · 18/05/2015 12:16

Do you really want this kind of life, he's a master liar and also a master manipulator if you think for a second the problem is you, it's not, it's all HIM.

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