DP lies, and claims to do so because of me. How can I change?

[whatonearth23]

DP of 3 years has lied to me for all I know from day 1. Although I've only got wise to it recently. Examples - us both planning to buy a house then finding he was looking at his own flat to buy without me, his reason was that he was scared to tell me the truth in case we argued, and that had always had a plan that he would buy alone before buying with someone else. Another example was telling his family and friends but not me, that he was considering moving 6 hours away for a new job, his reason for lying was that he didnt want to upset me...

There have been many other lies - big and small.

We have discussed it a lot. Generally speaking, the smaller lies are done to protect me, and I genuinely think DP believes he is protecting me by not being wholly honest. BUT - he has managed to turn this around by blaming me, in a weird way...saying that he 'didn't want another argument.' When I ask why he assumes there would be an argument if he was just honest, and highlight to him that we are guaranteed to have an argument when he lies..he then apologises and says he understands. Then he will do it again, days later.

It has got to the point where I am feeling responsible for it all... he makes me feel like I am so unreasonable that I will not listen to him if he dares to be honest. This is not the case at all, quite the opposite in fact. However, the more he has lied, the more pressured the relationship has become, because I naturally question him and second-guess him now.

I feel like a rubbish partner because my DP claims he doesnt tell me the truth to 'avoid an argument.' I dont know how we got here becuase I never thought I was the sort of person to not be open-minded and not appreciate my partner's needs...now I am questioning everything because each time I fall out with DP and tell him to stop lying, he says he only does it to avoid arguments...he clearly thinks I am unable to listen to him and his needs.

I feel crap and confused and I don't know why he feels this way or what I've done wrong.

Any advice really welcome.

He really sounds like my 8 year old who admits he lies to get his own way or to get away with it.

Walk away.

He is lying because he is a liar.

OP your man is a manipulative, lying commitment-phobe. There's no comfort to be gained in trying to dissect why he is like this. It won't matter if you change or jump hoops to aim to improve his behaviour, he is who he is.

Do you really want to live like this? For your own sake, just get rid. He isn't God! You will live, and do far better for yourself than waste this one life you have in a miserable situation with a man who is an utter waste of space, and ruinous for your stress levels and peace of mind.

I do know that love is irrational and its hurtful when the person you want, is playing mindgames that clearly show, he isn't into committing to you. He will continuously create relationship angst and hurdles which show the unspoken truth. You don't want to see or face that fact, but its there.

All I can suggest for now is read Baggage Reclaim

Funnily enough I don't think it's the commitment that is the issue, it's the lying.

It won't solve anything if he decides to be committed to the OP, says he is happy with her and follows through and marries and moves in (which he may well do if she decides to leave).

he'd still be a liar who she couldn't respect and who would play weird passive aggressive games.

"My" (hmm) liar was probably more into commitment than me, I'm not keen to re-marry or have kids so anyone trying to manipulate me on those issues wouldn't have any emotional traction.

So he just transferred the lying and the manipulation into other things?

Sounds horrid (and was) but there were sexual acts he claimed he "wanted to try" then would act all shocked after I'd done them and "well why did YOU suggest that?"

That must be a worry for you, starlightbright, reading these stories about the men who have grown up to be habitual liars. With most kids though, it's a phase they do grow out of, with parents help.

My friend's lying husband lost them their home. He was lying about finances, she thought he was paying the mortgage, he hid the letters until the day finally came when their home was repossessed and he still didn't tell her.

I think liars lie about the big things and the small stuff. How they sleep at night I don't know but this guy rationalised it by not wanting to upset his wife. Anything for an easy life. Except it's not is it?