DP lies, and claims to do so because of me. How can I change?

[whatonearth23]

DP of 3 years has lied to me for all I know from day 1. Although I've only got wise to it recently. Examples - us both planning to buy a house then finding he was looking at his own flat to buy without me, his reason was that he was scared to tell me the truth in case we argued, and that had always had a plan that he would buy alone before buying with someone else. Another example was telling his family and friends but not me, that he was considering moving 6 hours away for a new job, his reason for lying was that he didnt want to upset me...

There have been many other lies - big and small.

We have discussed it a lot. Generally speaking, the smaller lies are done to protect me, and I genuinely think DP believes he is protecting me by not being wholly honest. BUT - he has managed to turn this around by blaming me, in a weird way...saying that he 'didn't want another argument.' When I ask why he assumes there would be an argument if he was just honest, and highlight to him that we are guaranteed to have an argument when he lies..he then apologises and says he understands. Then he will do it again, days later.

It has got to the point where I am feeling responsible for it all... he makes me feel like I am so unreasonable that I will not listen to him if he dares to be honest. This is not the case at all, quite the opposite in fact. However, the more he has lied, the more pressured the relationship has become, because I naturally question him and second-guess him now.

I feel like a rubbish partner because my DP claims he doesnt tell me the truth to 'avoid an argument.' I dont know how we got here becuase I never thought I was the sort of person to not be open-minded and not appreciate my partner's needs...now I am questioning everything because each time I fall out with DP and tell him to stop lying, he says he only does it to avoid arguments...he clearly thinks I am unable to listen to him and his needs.

I feel crap and confused and I don't know why he feels this way or what I've done wrong.

Any advice really welcome.

My ex did this. Have NCed to talk about it because I am still so touchy about the whole thing, ten years later

He lied about little things, he lied about big things. He once lied about buying some curtains, right down to telling me the shop where he'd found them and what colour they were. When I got home, no curtains. But he'd meant to buy some, and he "didn't want an argument" (translation: didn't want any kind of confrontation at all no matter how mild, even "you said you'd buy curtains, did you forget?" was too much).

He had a rough childhood which is where the lying probably started. I felt sorry for him and tried to be understanding and forgiving. But he was an adult, and he wasn't handling things like an adult, and it was driving me insane having to doubt every little thing he said.

He ended up getting into big financial trouble (due to lying about his circumstances then being in denial I think), even having fake phone calls with fake people about money so I wouldn't suspect. He stole from me so I'd think he still had money coming in. He lied about paying rent, lied about paying bills. By the time I worked out what was happening I was in huge financial trouble myself, and the whole thing took years to get over. It was horrendous.

I think people like this can change. But only if they want to change, and if they see the lying as a problem, and even then it would be very hard work to change their whole view of how relationships work. Your DP blames you for it - that is not the sign of a man who wants to change at all.

That is the biggest load of nonsense! A total cop out. He chooses to lie for an easy life.

Obviously you would challenge him about viewing his own flat behind your back if you had been lead to believe that you were house hunting as a couple!

That is not your fault. He mislead you and then lied. HOW is that your doing?

It is cruelty of an extreme nature to think you're house hunting as a couple when really he's looking for himself! At what point would he have said, "hey, whatonearth, don't bother signing the mortgage cos it's just me moving in, see ya later, 'bout 8?" I mean, have you been jointly saving? It isn't just cruel it's bizarre too!

Is leaving him an option in your mind yet? I think it should be.

Oh, and when you say this:

the smaller lies are done to protect me, and I genuinely think DP believes he is protecting me by not being wholly honest

It is so familiar. I think my ex even believed it himself.

But when you think about it, this isn't actually a sign that he's just such a nice, caring person that he can't bring himself to disappoint you. It's a sign that his approach to honesty is so warped that he can't understand why it matters to you. He is so used to lying in the moment and avoiding thinking of the future, that he either can't understand or truly does not care (or both!) why you would want to know the truth now even if it temporarily makes you feel bad. No matter what you tell him, no matter how much you explain.

And with that attitude, what hope do you have of him telling you the truth in the future?

Nagging, this is a word only ever used by men against women.

It is manspeak for "I don't want to hear what she is saying" or "Oh no! I've been caught out"!

So you can safely ignore his claim that you are "nagging" him, it is just a way to make you feel bad about HIS shortcommings.

You don't need to change, except for dumping him. He is a liar and would be like that with anyone.

Oh no, I couldn't live with a liar, I couldn't even be friends with a liar, I find them too confusing and too cowardly.

My ndn's husband went to work one day and never came home. She was a SAHM with a ten-year-old son and he just fucked off, without ever saying he had a problem.

My ex used to do this. I'd find out get cross and that would be the reason he didn't tell me 'I knew you would be upset'
Me: yes because you fucking lied not because you did x y z.
Eventually he had an affair. I'm not saying all men would but he was untrustworthy pure and simple.

He isn't lying because of you. Hrs lying because of him.
It sounds like he lies in order to control outcomes, control you. He says what he assesses will result in the outcome he wants - e.g. he goes about his business unchallenged, he gets what he wants, etc.
He is constantly twisting your reality and denying you the right to make informed decisions. That is unacceptable.

Really you have to decide if you wantto spend your life with someone who behaves like this or not
I think it's clear from his responses to you that he does not think you have the right to the truth.
When you know someone is an habitual liar and manipulator, how can you believe anything they tell you?

OP. My XH was exactly the same. He would lie about spending money. He would lie about entering money making scams. He was a sucker for any sort of "you can earn millions from your own front room, look at my Porsche" kind of thing.

When caught out, he would ALWAYS say - see this is exactly why I didn't tell you, because I knew you would be angry about it/wouldn't let me do it.

He told me that he didn't like confrontation and therefore he would hide everything so that we didn't have an argument. I said, buy why would it necessarily lead to an argument?

I told him - no, I am angry because you are hiding things from me. If you make a major purchase, like buying a new vehicle when we have no money, we should discuss it first!

Men (Women) like this, always use this excuse, to excuse their behaviour and to turn it back on you. You are asking, what can I do to change??? Nothing, because it is his problem.

You have a right to honesty and respect in your relationship and it is not forthcoming from him.

FWIW, my XH is exactly the same now, with OW, hiding his spending from her, getting into the "get rich quick schemes".

So it wasn't me! and it's NOT you.

You don't need to change. You need to change your "D"P into your ex. And when you are ready, find one who won't lie to you. There are plenty of them around.

you should cut your losses. Be glad you haven't bought a house or had kids.

I dated someone like that, it was hard to really engage or connect? Like you were interacting with a shapeshifter.

(and it was a pity because on paper he had some attractive qualities so no NEED to lie like that, but it was one tall tale after another

• just saying immediately what he thought would make me like him in the heat of the moment - he had no control over his emotional equilibrium and would think being disapproved of for five seconds meant the end of the world )

as with yours, I think he had a weird childhood and an overdependent mother, never had that childhood role of being A Child - and moving through it - so was stuck in that phase forever.

It was hard to keep any respect or attraction for someone who is like that. Wouldn't have seemed worth trying to redeem him!

"I dont want an argument" means "I dont want you disagreeing with me or pointing out that I am wrong/stupid/selfish/thoughtless"

He's an asshole and you can do better.

Throw him back.

Oh, I also have to say my fantasist was happy as he was, btw? There was nothing I could do to change him.

I did try the whole "deep conversation" thing with him at points, but now thinking about it he would just randomly say stuff that sounded like an urban legend he had read about someone else.

I don't think it would have been worth me engaging with him or calling him out because it was just like something engrained in him.

Like someone said upthread, this type enjoys turning women into a nagging aggressive "mother" figure they can rebel against.

Also, often their lies will be so they can get their own way and do what they like all of the time.

Just read that he said he cant help it.

Thats probably the only true things has said! Its second nature to him to lie, it probably isnt a conscious decision anymore, its so ingrained into his personality that if you asked him what colour the sky is he would say bright yellow!

And thats why this is a fools errand. He wont change, you shouldnt change so there is no future here.

you are not the problem here, he should tell the truth.
he is putting the blame on you, when he is a liar who wants it all his own way.

It's not you...it's him

he is a Loser

'i'm breaking up with you because you are not trustworthy.'

OP, he is not trying to protect you and his motivation is really not "trying to avoid an argument." His motivation is that he doesn't want you to know how uninvested he is in your relationship; he wants to do, think, plan whatever he wants to without having to involve you in the process. He doesn't want to have to deal with or listen to your understandable unhappiness or dissatisfaction (that you're planning a future with him and he's apparently planning a future without you); he knows that if you knew the truth, you've have every reason to be very upset. I see all kinds of huge issues here. He wants you to carry on and BE QUIET. There's a very strange, "unequal" dynamic going on here. It's just so insulting!

do you have a joint account for house buying ? If yes, take out your share and put it in a different bank before you leave him.

He lies to you because he doesn't want to be challenged.
He lies to you because he's a coward.
He lies to you because he doesn't respect you.
He lies because he's a liar.

This is who he is and it's not your fault or responsibility. However, it is your responsibility and within your power, to limit your exposure to it.

Do you want to spend the rest of your life knowing that everyone else is worthy of the truth and you aren't or that you are the last person to know what is happening in your relationship.

You aren't the reason he lies, proximity means you're just the person he lies to the most.

You deserve better Op, so start damn well expecting it!

You said he lied about extra days at work- you then pulled him up on said,lie and he turns it around saying, 'he lied due to your reaction'.

Em. No. He lied for no good reason other then he lacks the ability to give you a honest answer. Its nothing to do with your reaction.

Why does he do it? I would bet if you look a bit deeper you will find he lies to everyone including family and friends. Its probably going on since he was
quite young.Its also a very child like way for an adult to behave.

Its nothing to do with you its also something he won't stop doing till he is honest enough to admit why he is telling,lies.

His reaction so far suggests he has no intention in being honest.

this has nothing to do with you

he has no ability to commit to you or anyone perhaps at this point
sounds as though he needs to do some self esteem work and some work on assertion

when did he learn that telling lies saved someone?
leave well alone - his lies are big lies that show a pattern of inability to commit

This guy doesn't see himself as part of a relationship. He's flying solo here.

Quite possibly MASSIVE mother issues - he's doing to you what he is afraid to do to her, ie a big two fingers up to you and your 'unreasonable' demands, which are actually totally reasonable, like being included in plans he makes. His mother is making unreasonable demands but he can't stick his fingers up at her because she's his mum, so he's swapped you with her in his head.

I really wouldn't stay around to get treated like this, and he won't likely change x