DP lies, and claims to do so because of me. How can I change?

[whatonearth23]

DP of 3 years has lied to me for all I know from day 1. Although I've only got wise to it recently. Examples - us both planning to buy a house then finding he was looking at his own flat to buy without me, his reason was that he was scared to tell me the truth in case we argued, and that had always had a plan that he would buy alone before buying with someone else. Another example was telling his family and friends but not me, that he was considering moving 6 hours away for a new job, his reason for lying was that he didnt want to upset me...

There have been many other lies - big and small.

We have discussed it a lot. Generally speaking, the smaller lies are done to protect me, and I genuinely think DP believes he is protecting me by not being wholly honest. BUT - he has managed to turn this around by blaming me, in a weird way...saying that he 'didn't want another argument.' When I ask why he assumes there would be an argument if he was just honest, and highlight to him that we are guaranteed to have an argument when he lies..he then apologises and says he understands. Then he will do it again, days later.

It has got to the point where I am feeling responsible for it all... he makes me feel like I am so unreasonable that I will not listen to him if he dares to be honest. This is not the case at all, quite the opposite in fact. However, the more he has lied, the more pressured the relationship has become, because I naturally question him and second-guess him now.

I feel like a rubbish partner because my DP claims he doesnt tell me the truth to 'avoid an argument.' I dont know how we got here becuase I never thought I was the sort of person to not be open-minded and not appreciate my partner's needs...now I am questioning everything because each time I fall out with DP and tell him to stop lying, he says he only does it to avoid arguments...he clearly thinks I am unable to listen to him and his needs.

I feel crap and confused and I don't know why he feels this way or what I've done wrong.

Any advice really welcome.

I just feel so sad and confused by it. I really loved him and he ruins so many things

Is this a Freudian slip? Did you notice that you typed 'loved' i.e. past tense.

You know that this has run its course. You deserve better.

Op, you have done nothing wrong.

You are with a man who is emotionally immature.

Much like children, who don't like to make other people sad or unhappy and will hide things (real objects or information), and are unable to think through the consequences (object being found, information inevitably coming out) enough to be able to deal with it.

Your DP is emotionally immature. Of course you will be upset by him being away for longer, but you will be less upset by him being away longer than you are by him lying about it until the last minute. He honestly can't fathom that, it isn't real to him because he is emotionally stunted.

If he's always done it, and does it for everything, you seriously need to get out.

Can you imagine being legally tied to him? You couldn't rely on him to pay the bills, he'd tell you he has, even if he hasn't. You couldn't rely on him to do the shopping properly, washing, chores, contact people, anything and everything in your life - you couldn't rely on him.

OP - if you continue on you will find out all the lies that he is still hiding in time. One person on here has had 11 years of it, including having a cancer scar tattooed on him to fake being ill. And by then of course she had kids and didn't want to split the family up.

Please don't get fooled into thinking that you can change to make this better! How on earth would that possibly work?

I think he has major commitment issues tbh, he was considering buying on his own and getting a job elsewhere, this tells me that he doesnt want to be with you.

Stop the messing with your head, he isn't being upfront about comitting to you, get rid.

longer work trips... flat alone.... he's just not that into you.

OP - bin him. well rid

He is a coward.

He doesn't want to do things so puts off telling you until the last moment so that he can deflect and it is now your fault for being rightfully angry & upset not his for lying.

There is no need for you to change. He is the one in the wrong.

You either leave and find someone who treats you better or stay and accept that you will probably never have what you want with this man.

This isn't little white lies it is life altering lies.

I don't know what you see about Jim to keep loving him.

He doesn't want to do things so puts off telling you until the last moment so that he can deflect and it is now your fault for being rightfully angry & upset not his for lying.

This

To me it sounds like you are not a big part of his life, it also doesn't sound like he sees you as a future partner.

Sorry you are facing this, awful confusing situation to be in.

mother who is hugely emotionally dependent on him

so would he be honest with her, would he be able to deny her things or upset her- possibly not, so he would lie/pretend/ cover up, he certainly wouldn't be honest with her. So repeats the behavior with you as he doesn't know anything else?? Could that be it?

Why would he lie to you about having to work away a few extra days when your reaction would have had no influence on the outcome whatsoever? How is that "protecting" you when you still experience the consequences regardless, only made worse because he couldn't be truthful?

Btw one of the unreasonable behaviours listed when I filed for divorce was that my exH used to discuss things with other people but not with me, even though said events were more my business than theirs! Made me feel totally undervalued as a person. Please don't think any of this is your doing.

norah he definitely tiptoes around her and keeps things from her that he thinks would upset her. mainly things like if he is seeing his dad etc. when i first met him, she had a rule that he couldnt talk about his dad. well, not sure if it was a rule but it was something he was adamant couldnt be mentioned while in her presence.

My ex husband was a constant liar, from the day I met him at 18. I was stupid enough to marry him, and there were constant little niggly lies throughout our marriage. Anyway, he went for the big one, and managed to lie and cheat and have an affair for 5 years, and even when it all came out...he told me ...it was 3 months, ...then ...it was a year....and I eventually found out from a friend more of the truth.

He completely fucked my life, and I can't say I regret marrying him, as I've got 2 beautiful kids...but he still lies constantly now over contact.

When he left, he had to audacity to tell me that it was my fault he lied, as I was too demanding, I nagged, I expected him to do stuff....

Looking back on my marriage it was like having a 3rd child. Even his mother admitted he'd lied all his life to her when he left. He's left me as he did in our marriage, to deal with everything

Please walk away, he'll never change. you don't need to x

fiddlerontheroof my DP says I am demanding and nagging and that's another of his reasons/excuses for the lies.

It just doesnt make sense.

What do you get out of this relationship, you are still there so what is keeping you there?.

He is not a DP, far from it. He is a consummate liar instead and they never change.

He is a highly damaged individual and one you need to be apart from as of now. He is no good for you and you are simply being dragged down with him into his pit.

I think some people just get off on the lie, on getting one over on you, they literally lie about anything.

I watch a lot of those dating shows (Dinner Date, First Dates etc) and I'm always amazed at the number of men who will blatantly lie about their job (making up some weird non-existent job like shaving the sealions at the zoo or something, just to see how gullible their date is).

One guy nicked a novelty watering can off his neighbour's front garden to take as a 'gift' for his date and then told her he'd made it himself, proceeded to tell lie after lie about how he'd made it. At the end of the date he fessed up (obviously thinking it was all a big hoot) and she just looked at him like the twat he was, completely baffled. How he thought that was a good basis for getting to know someone I will never understand!

Anyway, not entirely relevant, but these liar threads always make me think of those guys. They are obviously so unsure of themselves, have no pride in their real job or achievements and have so little respect for the people they are talking to (who are too polite to call them out on their ludicrous lies) that they will end up alone or with someone like you, who can't trust a word they say.

LTB OP. Honestly, why wouldn't you? He has no respect for you if he lies to save himself the inconvenience of having to consider your opinion on massive life changing decisions he's making.

It depends...

my nagging involved me asking him to pay a bill, and then he wouldn't remember for weeks and I'd get a second demand, but he'd still lie and say he'd done it.

Ot asking him to update the family diary, so I could plan childcare

Or expecting him to not drive off with the pushchair in the boot of the car every fucking monday so I didn't have it for the day.

Or hoping that he might actually take some finical responsibly and support towards us renting and purchasing a property and all the tax related things to do with it...rather than ignoring it all, leaving it to me, and then doing his tax return in secret so he didn't have to declare any of it, and it all went on mine.

it was like living with a child....and he has to be asked stuff. Yes it was fucking nagging, but it was his inability to do anything "grown up" that added to my utter exasperation. I don't think he ever did anything apart from what he wanted to do the whole time we were married.

I don't miss him :)

It just doesnt make sense

It does to me. He is manipulating you so that he is never in the wrong and you are responsible for all of his bad behaviour. He is doing this because of fundamental flaws in his make up, probably caused as a result of his upbringing.

I don't know if he is doing this consciously or subconsciously but the impact on you is the same, misery and mindfuckery.

I think the best route would be take the short term pain of the a break up now rather than the long term pain of staying with this pathological liar.

It makes perfect sense, OP. And you are not responsible - for any of it.

I don't have much to say about this really but I would like the OP to really really consider what a good relationship looks like for her.

My personal threshold is that I must respect and trust my partner as well as fancying them or being in love" with them. If I don't respect and trust them I have no future with them regardless of "being in love"

Obviously everyone sometimes behaves in ways that don't always engender respect and trust (e.g lying, manipulating, thinking only of themselves etc) but for me these must be reasonably rare in a long term partner and when they do happen must be accompanied by awareness of and real effort to change any said behaviours.

I could not be with someone long term that I did not fundamentally trust. Constant lying, even if over small things would erode that trust to such an extent that I couldn't live with it. If my partner complained that he didn't tell the truth because I would make a fuss, this would erode my respect for him as well as my trust in him. What sort of adult is scared to tell their partner something so mundane as they will need to work longer hours or be away for longer etc?

Some of what you're describing sounds familiar OP. Have you payed about him before?

I'm not accusing you btw, if that's the case, and you can post as much as you like.

What I am getting at is that if you have posted before and have had similar responses... there's a reason for that.

Anyway, the bottom line is, it isn't you with the problem, it's him. He isn't going to change, and you aren't doing anything wrong. There's no magic formula to turn him into the man you would like him to be.

"Liars do not lie to protect or help other people, liars lie to make their own lives easier."

This.

Think about the lies - what could you have done differently so there would not be an argument/issue? The only way is for you to forget about all plans and promises and just accept whatever he does.
"Oh so while I was househunting for us, you were looking for a flat for just you, never mind what we discussed? OK, dear."

"So you said you'll be back on Monday, even though you knew you would only return on Friday? No problem, darling".
"You've been saying you want to have children, but had a secret vasectomy? No biggie.."
Etc etc. Any other reaction from you, and he would claim you're causing arguments.

I really don't see how you can live your whole life like that, not being able to take a word he says seriously.

Whatonearth

This is very similar to something I'm going through at the moment, please take a look at the responses on the thread I started on Sunday.
We both deserve better.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2375663-Please-Help

You could be describing my ex. He did exactly the same lied constantly then said it was to protect me or to avoid argument. He didn't seem to grasp half the arguments wouldn't happen if he told the truth and the fact was often the lies were about something he knew I wouldn't like.

The truth was he wasn't protecting me he was and still is an utter lying bastard. He is married to someone else now and I know he still lies to her because of things she has said to me. It doesn't get better. It is manipulative and already has you tying yourself in knots trying to change who you are and how you behave to make him tell you the truth. If you stay with him eventually you will doubt everything he says while walking on egg shells in case you are not doing enough to make him feel comfortable talking to you and sharing with you. It's no way to live honestly.

Don't waste any more of your life on a man who thinks you are demanding and nagging.

What is the point in any of this?

He clearly doesn't like or respect you, and you are miserable being constantly lied to about everything.

Relationships should make you feel happy and secure, not confused and uncertain.