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Original poster

Hen Weekend

115 replies

jethro1954 · 18/05/2015 07:35

Ladies/gents i have just discovered mumsnet even though Im a bloke ha whilst browsing through this subject on the internet. Apologies if this is a bit long winded.
I am 60 yrs old and my wife is 57 having been married 37 yrs, we have no children and have been happy with each other.My dear old mum died recently very suddenly aged 86 and as you can imagine me and my sisters are still grieving. My wife never visited my mum very much she didnt exactly fall out with her I think it was a case sometimes of wives at least in my experience not having much to do with the husbands family and everything was always concentrated around my OHs family.
Anyway a couple of weeks ago OH went on a hen do with about 30 other hens it was her friends dtrs hen do and they were away for two nights. On the Sat they were away I went to see my mum for the last time at the funeral parlour prior to her funeral and later that day got a txt from OH saying "OMG what a hoot we are drawing a male nude" To be honest I was shocked and although my OH had asked if it was ok that she went on the hen do I said yes go and enjoy I will be ok I just thought it would be a girly weekend with lots of alcohol a bit sillyness some shopping etc. Her mates are a group of in their late 50s and have good jobs in the public sector.
The upshot is that they were taken to a rather seedy pub (my OHs words) and a young man posed nude in various postions and they had to draw him whilst being served by a semi naked butler. To be fair with OH she did tell me about what happened saying it was a bit embarrassing but they all had a good giggle. I got suspicious when i asked her where were the drawings she done and also the very guilty look on her mates face when she came to our house to collect her car just after they arrived back home.My OH said the drawings were being kept by the brides mum and and later my OH deleted pics from her phone after I had to be honest gone a bit ballistic.
I then looked on the internet under this male drawing thing and was quite shocked by the images, reviews descriptions about what happens on these sort of events. So I then went on Facebook looking at her friends profiles and saw some pics which showed (not my OH) touching the young lad in various poses and one where he was somewhat excited. how these types of pics can be put on facebook I don't know some were just his bottom etc but 1 showed his penis with lots women touching him all over his body. A big arguement ensued with OH and I told her how shocked I was that she could take part in this sort of thing and more so while my mum was still to be buried. My view is that if it was gender reversal and it was me and a group of my middle aged mates closely looking at a naked young girl for an hour and a half with her legs open and drawing her intimate parts we would be regarded as perverts and rightly so. I can accept that my Oh didnt know what was about to happen and couldnt just walk out but if it was her mum when she died and I had been part of this sordid thing I would have been shunned by her family. Can it be seen any other way?

OP posts:
Marmaladybird · 18/05/2015 07:42

Life drawing isn't perverted. Touching a life model, for any reason, is perverted. Would you have still had a problem if there was no touching?

Your wife sounds extremely insensitive.

Jenoftheweek · 18/05/2015 08:12

This drawing class does sound rather tasteless. I totally agree with you if it was reversed and men were pawing a female model.
Your DW seems to lack empathy at this sad time for you. Have you told her how low you are feeling?

Original poster
jethro1954 · 18/05/2015 08:17

ty for reply.I agree proper artistic life modelling is not perverted at all its art and I appreciate art very much. However it seems to me these hen events are presented as "art" but from researching many sites they are in fact risque titillation. My Oh said a woman came in the room at 1st and said she was a professor of art at the local university but I find it difficult to believe that she was legitimate in view of the pics that were taken and put on facebook. My Oh eventually revealed more and said the young lad was played with by some of the girls but she didnt take part in that. I suppose I will never know but I have been incredibly hurt especially as my mum was still laying in her coffin when I went to see her for the last time on the very day that this happened. It has created a bad memory now which i am having difficulty dealing with.

OP posts:
Original poster
jethro1954 · 18/05/2015 08:19

yes Jen ty I have told her how very low I am and I am usually discrete but I had to tell my sisters to get it off my chest and they are shocked too.

OP posts:
Original poster
jethro1954 · 18/05/2015 08:22

I would still have a problem even if there was no touching as its a young lad showing his bits to a group of half and half mixed group of younger and older mature women in a locked private room in a seedy pub and its just tasteless to me. like i said if it was a young girl and I was doing it I would be shunned by OHs family

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 18/05/2015 08:24

That is tacky and I absolutely agree that the double standards at play here are not acceptable

Joysmum · 18/05/2015 08:26

I totally agree with you. I'd be extreme hurt too.

To my mind, this now wouldn't be about what happened then, but about how she's reacted about it now when you try to talk to her about it

Vivacia · 18/05/2015 08:26

I am sorry about the loss of your mum.

I would be so disappointed if my DP did this. Is it out of character? What has she had to say for herself?

Original poster
jethro1954 · 18/05/2015 08:29

Joy to be fair she has been very upset too we are a quiet couple hardly ever argue and she wishes she had never sent tht text and I would have never known.

OP posts:
Lolliew · 18/05/2015 08:30

It sounds like you have 2 issues here, your wife's insensitivity and your grief for your mum.

Please don't let the issues with your wife cloud your grief you need to be able to grieve properly for your mum and start the healing process.
Your wife however should have known better, BUT sometimes events take over being sensible and it sounds like she was part of a raucous hen night that wasn't very tasteful but she didn't want to upset the bride/hens by leaving. What other people post on Facebook doesn't mean that your wife has posted it and whilst I agree that participating in the evening makes her guilty by association if she says she didn't touch you should believe her.

I am sure your mum would want you to carry on with life as she would your wife and not stop due to her death, unfortunately the hen night happened between her death and her funeral and they aren't usually rearrangable. I am sure your wife didn't intend for you to be hurt by her attending and her actions since seem as if she is slightly trying to protect you by not sharing everything that happened that night.

donemekmelarf · 18/05/2015 08:34

Usually when groups of women see a stripper, they find it a laugh - there is a LOT of laughter.
When men watch strippers or have lap dancers, it's usually for sexual gratification.
What I'm trying to say is, groups of women often view nudity as 'funny', whereas men are more likely to get a 'kick' out of it.
I think you are judging your wife by how you think you would feel if there was a naked woman gyrating in front of you.
So, bearing this in mind, I don't think you should be giving your wife a difficult time about this. There is no reason to be jealous.
Obviously, this is my view, based on my observations when I have been out with all-women groups.

I know it's not popular to make distinctions between male and female reactions, but I think there IS a difference.

Original poster
jethro1954 · 18/05/2015 08:37

viv she has told me she has said it wasnt something she would have liked if she had a daughter on a hen do she is a good wife has seen strippers yrs ago in her younger days when it was less in your face than it is now. I was ok with that as its all girls together music playing dancing laughing etc and they are not studying a male organ just a few feet away which in my thoughts are quite perverted in view of the age of the lad. My sister is a teacher and has told me that education policies these days would have had very serious consequences if teachers were involved with this. One of my wifes friends is a teacher in a comprehensive school so I hopenobody finds out about her.

OP posts:
Original poster
jethro1954 · 18/05/2015 08:41

Done ty for yr post. I think your point is valid to some extent but but to me it is still double standards applying one set of rules for one gender and another for the other gender. That seems to me to be a cop out but thats my opinion.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 18/05/2015 08:44

They weren't doing anything illegal.

Vivacia · 18/05/2015 08:46

I think your point is valid to some extent but but to me it is still double standards applying one set of rules for one gender and another for the other gender.

I am one of the first to get really irritated by the sometimes double-standards on MN. However, when I read this I did find myself thinking, "Yeah, those double-standards are a real pisser for me, aren't they?".

tribpot · 18/05/2015 08:46

Ugh, that sounds absolutely horrible. And you're right, OP, if you and your friends had done exactly the same you'd be regarded as perverts. This wasn't life drawing, it was just tacky and awful.

I think your feelings are intermingled with resentment that perhaps you missed out on times with your mum because your wife chose to focus on her own family (not suggesting she stopped you from visiting your mum at all but free time spent together was with her family and not yours?) - and the fact that she was engaged in this whilst you were dealing with the mechanics of your mother's death. She seems to have been rather indifferent about your grief and need for support in such a difficult time? I can't quite get my head round the idea of texting 'yay naked models' to someone who is visiting his mother's body at a funeral parlour.

Original poster
jethro1954 · 18/05/2015 08:46

And why did she delete pics from her phone so I will never know what were on the pics.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 18/05/2015 08:48

I get the feeling your partly hurt by your wife's insensitivity when you are grieving. Partly disappointed with her behaviour and partly angry that these women chose to behave in a way you don't approve of.

Original poster
jethro1954 · 18/05/2015 08:56

Its has affected my nerves deeply and I cant think straight at the moment. I think I will get over it but I will always have my Mums memory sullied by this and thats the thing that will stick no matter how hard I try to discount it. I know it was not illegal but I feel tht the stripper and lets face it thats what he is was getting his jollies whereas in lap dancing clubs etc as I have researched there is no touching and bouncers are on hand. i do have some resentment as my OH never bothered with my Mum and hadnt seen her in the previous 4 yrs whilst when her mum bless her when she was alive we always had xmas dinner etc at her house and she came to our house weekly.

OP posts:
Pippa12 · 18/05/2015 08:58

Was the hen Doo her friends daughters? So it would be fair to say the majority of girls would be quite abit younger, so not to much older than the live (consenting) model? Live drawing is a popular activity for a hen party- it's included in most hen party packages as an option and most likely chosen as tongue in cheek for the hen. I doubt it was chosen as a sworded/perverted experience, I think it is very unfair to make these assumptions. It was probably a hysterical event and your wife would've just been joining in with everyone else.

I think the issue is really that she went away having fun on a hen party, having a great time, while you were greiving at home. I think this is unreasonable and disrespectful. I think the live model is an excuse for you to go nuclear and avoid the real reason your upset. I am very sorry for your loss. I hope you can put this behind you and concentrate on greiving for your mum xxx

AnyFucker · 18/05/2015 09:00

I think you are overthinking it to say "your mum's memeory will always be sullied" by this

the events at the hen do have nothing to do with your mum dying and to lin the two is that over dramatic fashion does no one any favours

I wouldn't have gone along with what your wife did wrt to the tacky behaviour, but if you were telling me I had "sullied" your mother's memory I would tell you where to get off, tbh

Original poster
jethro1954 · 18/05/2015 09:01

Viv yes your right in all those things to some extent and I know I should laugh it off but its the double standard thing with me together with the insensitivity as they all seem to be brushing it off as if nothing had happened.I know im sounding like a broken record but us men would have been looked down on in similar circs and probably become persona non grata especially if we were around young girls in our family such as neices and great neices etc which I have a lot of in my family and Oh family.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 18/05/2015 09:01

I am one of the first to get really irritated by the sometimes double-standards on MN. However, when I read this I did find myself thinking, "Yeah, those double-standards are a real pisser for me, aren't they?"

Just to be clear, this should have read,

"Yeah, those double-standards are a real pisser for men, aren't they?"

Vivacia · 18/05/2015 09:06

I don't think you should laugh it off at all, and I doubt I'm the only one thinking this. But there's not finding it funny and then there's blaming your wife for forever sullying your mother's memory.

Lottiedoubtie · 18/05/2015 09:09

My sister is a teacher and has told me that education policies these days would have had very serious consequences if teachers were involved with this. One of my wifes friends is a teacher in a comprehensive school so I hopenobody finds out about her.

Don't overreact! Teachers are allowed a private life and nothing illegal transpired.

I can understand that you felt your wife oversepped the mark by being in effectively a strip club and that you wouldn't do the same thing. It's fine to have mutual agreements like that in a marriage, but it's also ok to agree mutal exceptions. Had yoy discussed the activities before the Hen?

I think AF is right you need to separate the issue of your grief and the Hen- they are not related at all and if you were happy for your wife to go away and not be at home supporting you that weekend it is unfair of you to expect different standards of behaviour when she is away from you just because you are grieving.