Hen Weekend

[jethro1954]

Ladies/gents i have just discovered mumsnet even though Im a bloke ha whilst browsing through this subject on the internet. Apologies if this is a bit long winded.
I am 60 yrs old and my wife is 57 having been married 37 yrs, we have no children and have been happy with each other.My dear old mum died recently very suddenly aged 86 and as you can imagine me and my sisters are still grieving. My wife never visited my mum very much she didnt exactly fall out with her I think it was a case sometimes of wives at least in my experience not having much to do with the husbands family and everything was always concentrated around my OHs family.
Anyway a couple of weeks ago OH went on a hen do with about 30 other hens it was her friends dtrs hen do and they were away for two nights. On the Sat they were away I went to see my mum for the last time at the funeral parlour prior to her funeral and later that day got a txt from OH saying "OMG what a hoot we are drawing a male nude" To be honest I was shocked and although my OH had asked if it was ok that she went on the hen do I said yes go and enjoy I will be ok I just thought it would be a girly weekend with lots of alcohol a bit sillyness some shopping etc. Her mates are a group of in their late 50s and have good jobs in the public sector.
The upshot is that they were taken to a rather seedy pub (my OHs words) and a young man posed nude in various postions and they had to draw him whilst being served by a semi naked butler. To be fair with OH she did tell me about what happened saying it was a bit embarrassing but they all had a good giggle. I got suspicious when i asked her where were the drawings she done and also the very guilty look on her mates face when she came to our house to collect her car just after they arrived back home.My OH said the drawings were being kept by the brides mum and and later my OH deleted pics from her phone after I had to be honest gone a bit ballistic.
I then looked on the internet under this male drawing thing and was quite shocked by the images, reviews descriptions about what happens on these sort of events. So I then went on Facebook looking at her friends profiles and saw some pics which showed (not my OH) touching the young lad in various poses and one where he was somewhat excited. how these types of pics can be put on facebook I don't know some were just his bottom etc but 1 showed his penis with lots women touching him all over his body. A big arguement ensued with OH and I told her how shocked I was that she could take part in this sort of thing and more so while my mum was still to be buried. My view is that if it was gender reversal and it was me and a group of my middle aged mates closely looking at a naked young girl for an hour and a half with her legs open and drawing her intimate parts we would be regarded as perverts and rightly so. I can accept that my Oh didnt know what was about to happen and couldnt just walk out but if it was her mum when she died and I had been part of this sordid thing I would have been shunned by her family. Can it be seen any other way?

I'm shocked to be honest reading some of these responses and the way the OP is under attack. Double standards indeed

Go on then, which ones?

Thanks Fontella I do feel a bit under attack here and quite taken aback but some have been kind and supportive to me which gives me hope and solace.Everyone is entitled to their opinion I am the first to say that and where there is good the flip side is sometimes not so good. I think I am a bit too old and stuck in my ways for this modern world sometimes and it does perplex me somewhat.

Your reactions are perfectly understandable jethro and I'd be exactly the same if the shoe was on the other foot. It's got nothing to do with being old or stuck in your ways ... you just lost your mum ffs and a bit more support from your wife would have been the least you could expected.

Sorry for your loss.

Jethro, that was unbelievable insensitivity from your DW. She should not have even considered going on any sort of hen night before your Mum was even buried. Her sordid behaviour on the hen just adds insult to injury. I'd be booted out of the house if I did the same thing to my DW.

This thread makes me feel uncomfortable.

I'm sorry for your loss, first and foremost. However, do you think your grief could be clouding the issue? Anger at losing your mum seeking a place to land?

At the end of the day, your DW went to a hen with your permission. Hens by their very nature can include events leaning to the bawdy sexual persuasion. I agree with pp that for a hen do, the nudity can be more amusing than sexy.

She drew a naked penis and had a laugh while doing so. Unless she made sexual contact with the model, I don't think you have anything to worry or be cross about. I also highly doubt the model was "getting his jollies".

I also think you have gone slightly ott in the hoping no one finds out. It's a hen do and a live drawing class.

Also, you can't really control what other hen guests wish to post on the Internet. It's a pretty common thing to do nowadays.

To summarise:

The hen do
Your mum and your wife's relationship
The sad passing of your mum

Are all unrelated, but you are convoluting them in your head, and should try to untangle it all.

Again, sorry for your loss

I don't think they are unrelated how can they be in the circumstances. I would have been unhappy anyway despite what happened to my mum as I think its tacky to be in the presence of a naked young lad at my wife's age and what transpired after the so called artistic life drawing. Lets get this quite clear its a stripper in what ever form which you wish to dress it up and is done for pure titillation purposes as was proved by photos and comments on facebook. That's fine to some with those sort of inclinations and this is what happens on some hen dos but I thought my wife was better than that these days at age 57, but to brush it off as some sort of casual whats the problem type of thing to me is quite offensive. If I had done that with a young girl I know what would have been said about my morals and values All of this happened at the same time and you seem to suggest that these type of events are everyday things. Just being there drawing a penis to me is bad never mind what was going on with my departed mum and that's my opinion.
All of these things are related unique events which happened at the same time which will stick in my memory for a long time if not forever. We as a family my 3 sisters and me are interring my mums ashes next month laying them next to Dad who died just 2 years ago at 86 same age as mum.

thank you for your condolences though

That's fine to some with those sort of inclinations and this is what happens on some hen dos but I thought my wife was better than that these days at age 57, but to brush it off as some sort of casual whats the problem type of thing to me is quite offensive.

Is that how she has responded to your concerns?

I thought you said your wife was also upset at the way things had turned out ?

She was upset but I think more that I found photos on facebook and what her friends from work got up to on one of the photos

No Viv I got mixed up not used to mumsnet I copied and pasted someones comment it was not my wifes comment to me i was just responding to what someone had posted about things not being related and drawing a penis was just an ordinary run of the mill sort of thing

My wife was upset over my asking questions I think than anything else and finding out from the internet what goes on at these life drawing things.

I don't think slithytove was playing down any of these things, just saying that there are some very separate issues here. I thought that it was a very helpful post.

I think that you wife has let you down and her actions have been very disappointing. But I don't think it's on if you are haranguing her for her friends' behaviour or what they've posted on Facebook or how it might get them in trouble at work if work ever came to hear about it.

What questions have you asked her that have upset your wife?

And the male model was definately getting his jollies from what I have seen on the photos on fb but i suppose I have to believe my wife that she didnt touch although its difficult I know when she had deleted pics form her phone and obviously would make things much worse if she said anything more. It was just that she was very quiet when she came home and think she said the txt was sent when shed had too much to drink. Or on the other hand had she meant to send the txt to someone else as it happens that quite often txts get sent sometimes to the wrong person. I know I have done that before.

And the male model was definately getting his jollies from what I have seen on the photos on fb

Are you saying that it was clear from the photos that his naked penis was erect?

fair point Viv but her deleted photos on her phone I will never know what the content that they showed will I. She has become very defensive about the whole saga and you would have to be here to know and get a gut feeling which i have. I may be horribly wrong that she didn't join in with her friends but she is a joiner by nature and it is not beyond the realm of possibilities that she joined in with the shenanigans.

yes joy they did and my wife did eventually say that he got "sort of erect" even when he was just posing while they drawing him. hes a young lad maybe mid 20s my wife said so I suppose thats what might happen with a youngster being observed by a mixed group of women.

Goodness this is hard work.

What do you want to happen next in your relationship?

I showed my wife the pics on facebook after I had trawled through lots of profiles and her face went white when I showed them to her. i am not a violent man thank God so I must admit smashing a cup in the kitchen fllor out of frustration. the photos on fb the explicit ones were removed 2 days later leaving some less explicit ones on a few profiles.

A lot of people would classify smashing a cup as quite a violent action. Intimidating.

Was your wife in the house when you did that?

Sorry Viv I know its hard work Im just at 6s and 7s over the whole thing and at present but that's the present( it only happened two weeks ago) and they say time is a great healer. So I think in time I will overcome it move on but because of my mums passing I think I cannot help but link the two things and that will stick in my head. I will find that very difficult to do. I havn't slept or ate very well if at all these past two weeks but we will get through it albeit with a dirty great big stain on our marriage. I am a very sensitive person and wish I was just a bit more thick skinned.
Thanks

No viv she had gone out to her friend who had also been away at the do when I smashed the cup and I cleaned it all up afterwards.

It sounds incredibly tasteless and tacky and I can't imagine any of my friends wanting to do this as part of a hen weekend.

Not sure what advice to give.
What do you want next?

Two weeks? I was imagining it to be yesterday.

I think that you're dwelling on this and it's not good for you - trawling Facebook, imagining misconduct trials, linking it to your grief, trawling your wife's phone, getting all three sisters involved, picturing dirty, great, big stains...

Would you consider going to the doctor?

her friends usually are always on our phone but they have gone very quiet since all this and my wife has been very secretive with her mobile phone keeping it close to her when she usually just leaves it laying around in the kitchen or whatever like I do with my phone.Don't get the impression that I'm a controller though, shes often gone on girly trips both at home and abroad at least once a year for many years with her work colleagues and of course shes an independent woman and I wouldn't dream of even thinking about saying Im not happy with that. I am a bit of a home bird must admit stuck in my ways with my garden, car and my golf so maybe shes got a bit bored with me.

i am Viv ive made an appointment but 2 weeks is not very long and and its taken me all this time to find a forum to discuss it and collect my thoughts.

i havnt been trawling my wifes phone its her phone just that ive noticed she keeps it close to her now I have never even looked at her phone as she told me she had deleted the photos when I asked if like her friends she had taken any thats all.