Hen Weekend

[jethro1954]

Ladies/gents i have just discovered mumsnet even though Im a bloke ha whilst browsing through this subject on the internet. Apologies if this is a bit long winded.
I am 60 yrs old and my wife is 57 having been married 37 yrs, we have no children and have been happy with each other.My dear old mum died recently very suddenly aged 86 and as you can imagine me and my sisters are still grieving. My wife never visited my mum very much she didnt exactly fall out with her I think it was a case sometimes of wives at least in my experience not having much to do with the husbands family and everything was always concentrated around my OHs family.
Anyway a couple of weeks ago OH went on a hen do with about 30 other hens it was her friends dtrs hen do and they were away for two nights. On the Sat they were away I went to see my mum for the last time at the funeral parlour prior to her funeral and later that day got a txt from OH saying "OMG what a hoot we are drawing a male nude" To be honest I was shocked and although my OH had asked if it was ok that she went on the hen do I said yes go and enjoy I will be ok I just thought it would be a girly weekend with lots of alcohol a bit sillyness some shopping etc. Her mates are a group of in their late 50s and have good jobs in the public sector.
The upshot is that they were taken to a rather seedy pub (my OHs words) and a young man posed nude in various postions and they had to draw him whilst being served by a semi naked butler. To be fair with OH she did tell me about what happened saying it was a bit embarrassing but they all had a good giggle. I got suspicious when i asked her where were the drawings she done and also the very guilty look on her mates face when she came to our house to collect her car just after they arrived back home.My OH said the drawings were being kept by the brides mum and and later my OH deleted pics from her phone after I had to be honest gone a bit ballistic.
I then looked on the internet under this male drawing thing and was quite shocked by the images, reviews descriptions about what happens on these sort of events. So I then went on Facebook looking at her friends profiles and saw some pics which showed (not my OH) touching the young lad in various poses and one where he was somewhat excited. how these types of pics can be put on facebook I don't know some were just his bottom etc but 1 showed his penis with lots women touching him all over his body. A big arguement ensued with OH and I told her how shocked I was that she could take part in this sort of thing and more so while my mum was still to be buried. My view is that if it was gender reversal and it was me and a group of my middle aged mates closely looking at a naked young girl for an hour and a half with her legs open and drawing her intimate parts we would be regarded as perverts and rightly so. I can accept that my Oh didnt know what was about to happen and couldnt just walk out but if it was her mum when she died and I had been part of this sordid thing I would have been shunned by her family. Can it be seen any other way?

Presumably enough people have now googled naked hen drawing or whatever to satisfy the poster.

I just did have a google.

Why oh why did I look at stranger's willies before dinner?

In one of the photos, it's almost touching her face.

If my friends had arranged that for my hen, I'd have thought they hated me.

I'd never heard of life drawing hen parties until a few days ago. I'm so bloody provincial.
MN is truly the great educator.

Do you know what?

He probably didn't feel he could say no, he would have been in shock at his mother's death and his wife's asking. If she didn't like his mother presumably she loves him.

I bet he thought, oh she won't really go.

Indeed. I too would've felt shock/sadness/anger if DH had decided that looking at penises was more important than comforting me at the death of a family member.

But, OP's DW didn't know there would be actual penises on the premises.

update. We had a long discussion last night about the whole thing re the hen weekend my mum and family issues lots of tears and really just overall sadness. DW says she should have taken more time with my family in the past instead of focusing too much on her family and she understands that this is part of my resentment. She says that I should be able to expect more equal treatment as far as my side of the family is concerned and she will make more effort in this direction in future. I still wanted to know about the touching photos on facebook of women I didnt know and she did admit touching the "nude model" as some kind of dare which the chief bridesmaid had set up for the whole group although she says it was a fleeting touch and all of them under pressure did it so as not to be a party pooper some touching longer than others but I suppose depending on the persons values/ embarrasment etc is to be expected. I think I am passed being shocked after all this feel a bit numb and said well what has happened has happened it cant be changed and she thought it best that everything came out as I do know a couple of the womens partners and she didnt want anything else coming out about the actvity which took place or anything else on facebook. She says the photos she deelted from her phone were just the young lad posing and a couple of the cheeky butler. I was very upset when she sent the txt to me "OMG what a hoot we are drawing a male nude" when I was visiting my departed mum at the funeral parlour and told her so. She accepts that this was insensitive shed had a few drinks and got swept up in the hen party thing. It will be a long road ahead but now that everything is in the open I think we can work on moving forward and try to put it behind us. It has been a mixture of emotions all in all. To the poster that said I couldnt really say no to her going to the hen night during this difficult time they were right I was in bit of a daze and felt that as she had paid for the flights hotel etc and it was her good friends daughters hen party I couldnt really say don't go. In any case I have never ever said she shouldnt go to any event trip etc and nor would she say that to me. Moving forward as best I can.

Wishing you and your wife all the best Jethro. Sounds like you covered a lot of ground in that conversation and that the hen do / losing your mum have served as a catalyst for maybe addressing some other issues?

Sounds like you've got a lot of good material to work with and a long and successful marriage behind you to build on.

That great that you have had a good long talk. It must have been hard for both of you. It sounds like your wife hasn't been dismissive of your feelings and that she understands why it's upset you. It's good that you have been able to tell her how you feel.

I hope you can move past this. It might be destructive to your relationship if you dwell on it for too long.

Best of luck.

Thanks Fontella and KP we did have a full and frank talk about the whole thing and she is sorry and understands how I have been feeling about all of this. I am retired from work now while my wife still works and maybe dwelling on it with time on my hands. I have a difficult decison to make though as the wedding is coming up soon and it will be difficult for me to go to her friends daughters wedding with this hanging over it and meet some people I dont know but have seen on facebook that were at the hen do. I think my OH may make an excuse for me saying im ill or something to get out of it.

Don't Jethro.

If you want this dealt with properly you need to face it together as a couple. Don't chicken out and go, and don't let your DW chicken out and not take you.

You both have to face this, as unpleasant as it is. Otherwise it will rear it's head at inopportune times when you're not ready. At least here you will be ready.

Thanks for advice but feel that if i do go ( we are invited to the night of the wedding only) there will be some references to the hen weekend especially as DW has told me the drawings that they did and taken by the brides mum are to be shown on the night do as a laugh and the whole thing will come up again. Why the brides mum would do this I find inexplicable but accounts for why my DW didnt bring the drawings home with her as they are a memento of the hen do. What sort of people are they or is it just me being a prude. There might be children there too as there is these days even on night time wedding dos which I find very strange but having looked on facebook some of them do seem to be a bit let us say basic.

Ugh, you are not a prude. I find things like this really tacky, childish and unpleasant. To bring it up at a wedding would be crass.

I wouldn't give too much thought to the wedding evening. If you want to go then go but if you are not that fussed then give it a miss. I wouldn't worry what other people think. I think you are allowed a bit of space considering your recent bereavement.

Sorry for the random 'ugh'

Yes, it will be a bit awkward. And your DW, with you by her side, will finally realise just HOW awful it all is. Without you there she will be able to just compartmentalise it away as something that doesn't harm you and so is fine.

yes cider it will be tricky and still don't know what to do for the best Im worrying about that now, God what am I like haa? i will have to cross that bridge when I come to it methinks. Thanks