Hen Weekend

[jethro1954]

Ladies/gents i have just discovered mumsnet even though Im a bloke ha whilst browsing through this subject on the internet. Apologies if this is a bit long winded.
I am 60 yrs old and my wife is 57 having been married 37 yrs, we have no children and have been happy with each other.My dear old mum died recently very suddenly aged 86 and as you can imagine me and my sisters are still grieving. My wife never visited my mum very much she didnt exactly fall out with her I think it was a case sometimes of wives at least in my experience not having much to do with the husbands family and everything was always concentrated around my OHs family.
Anyway a couple of weeks ago OH went on a hen do with about 30 other hens it was her friends dtrs hen do and they were away for two nights. On the Sat they were away I went to see my mum for the last time at the funeral parlour prior to her funeral and later that day got a txt from OH saying "OMG what a hoot we are drawing a male nude" To be honest I was shocked and although my OH had asked if it was ok that she went on the hen do I said yes go and enjoy I will be ok I just thought it would be a girly weekend with lots of alcohol a bit sillyness some shopping etc. Her mates are a group of in their late 50s and have good jobs in the public sector.
The upshot is that they were taken to a rather seedy pub (my OHs words) and a young man posed nude in various postions and they had to draw him whilst being served by a semi naked butler. To be fair with OH she did tell me about what happened saying it was a bit embarrassing but they all had a good giggle. I got suspicious when i asked her where were the drawings she done and also the very guilty look on her mates face when she came to our house to collect her car just after they arrived back home.My OH said the drawings were being kept by the brides mum and and later my OH deleted pics from her phone after I had to be honest gone a bit ballistic.
I then looked on the internet under this male drawing thing and was quite shocked by the images, reviews descriptions about what happens on these sort of events. So I then went on Facebook looking at her friends profiles and saw some pics which showed (not my OH) touching the young lad in various poses and one where he was somewhat excited. how these types of pics can be put on facebook I don't know some were just his bottom etc but 1 showed his penis with lots women touching him all over his body. A big arguement ensued with OH and I told her how shocked I was that she could take part in this sort of thing and more so while my mum was still to be buried. My view is that if it was gender reversal and it was me and a group of my middle aged mates closely looking at a naked young girl for an hour and a half with her legs open and drawing her intimate parts we would be regarded as perverts and rightly so. I can accept that my Oh didnt know what was about to happen and couldnt just walk out but if it was her mum when she died and I had been part of this sordid thing I would have been shunned by her family. Can it be seen any other way?

The pics on facebook showed a "sword related" thing that is very clear. the mix of the group was women in their 30s and a lot in more mature years and the hen has 2 children and her friends are about the same age in their 30s. Most of the comments on fb were sword related and lots of" "take this thing off fb" from some of them in case their partners saw them. The fb pics were posted by divorced women in the main probably cos there wouldnt be any repercussions on them. I have noticed that some of the pics have been removed from fb Im not very up on these sort of things so maybe the fb organisation took them off or there were complaints I dont know. Thank you for your constructive replies I think it is probably just me but I cannot stop these feelings of hurt and the feeling that I have been betrayed. We have never had any trouble in our marriage, never had any affairs etc and have just trundled along quite happily maybe Im a little old fashioned.

I think your post re nobody finding out is way OTT. The model was a consenting adult who is more than aware of what the live drawing would entail with a group of hens!!! Come on- they didn't break the law, they were having a laugh. Your at risk of sounding a little spiteful, almost hoping that each one would face repucussions for something you didn't agree with! Your issue is with your wife's behaviour within your marriage, not with the activities on this hen party. Tacky or not, this is what goes on.

Just to add: it is normally a unwritten rule that these sorts of pics wouldn't be posted, it makes sense that the lady that did this is divorced, she's probably had a couple of stern pm

Lottie Im just saying what my teacher sister told me thats all so I have to accept her professional view on this. Of course teachers have a private life and my sister told me that a few years ago some teachers were hauled over the coals by parent govenors for just pole dancing in their knickers.

I've went on 4 hen parties last year- 3 of which had strippers. Generally professionals working under a professional body. All 30's with children. Marriages still in tact, still employed. I think your sister is possibly throwing fuel on the fire as she is annoyed with past events also.

Pippa sorry if it came across that way but it wasn't my intention at all. Im not a spiteful person just quite hurt and I dont agree at all that it is life drawing that's just an excuse in my opinion. Life drawing is an artistic endeavour but I think this sort of thing which is plastered all over the internet is not in the best possible taste in view of the touching that goes on and what actually went on in this case.

What aspect do you actually have a problem with? Is it women choosing to behave in a way you don't feel comfortable with? Behaving like divorced women?

Of corse it's an excuse! They are young girls on a hen party, not artists! Questioning there professionalism is not fair! I feel abit sorry for your wife TBH. Didn't you say she didn't get involved in the touching? Just did the live drawing? Did you really want her to leave the class??? I don't understand what she (herself!) did wrong? Just being in the room???

viv I agree with your double standards thing as men have always got away with it in the past and still do. I am a decent sort of bloke maybe never seen any other naked woman apart form my wife, my mum was very religious and don't wish to sound holier than tho but just find this whole thing so tacky and unpleasant. Maybe Im out of sync with the world these days and the only stag do Ive been on was just lads going out for a drink years ago.

Im still grieving my mum and thats all really very sorry.

Perhaps... Maybe try not to give your wife such a hard time. The girls on hen weekends are relentless, she has obviously just gone along with it. She probably had no idea he was going to unleash his sword and have god knows how many excited hens jump on him. Maybe chalk it up to experience and agree that perhaps hen/stag parties have no place in your marriage, and that is absolutely fine to. Then you can concentrate on greiving for your mum and ask your wife to be abit more supportive xxx

I'm very sorry for your loss.

I think the issue here was that your DW was insensitive about your grieving. If I were in her position, I would have considered not going on the hen do but, if I had, I certainly wouldn't have been going on about what a jolly time I was having. And particularly as she must have known that it wasn't something you'd be comfortable with.

Also, your mum's death has brought out understandable feelings of resentment that your DW hadn't bothered with her for a few years and now seemingly didn't care that you have been bereaved.

I too would be very upset and hurt in your situation. I think the activity itself is almost irrelevant tbh. I agree that it's tacky beyond belief, but if it had happened any other time, I don't think you would have been so bothered.

Please don't see it as sullying your mother's memory. It shouldn't. Your DW hasn't behaved very caringly at a time when you clearly needed sympathy and support, but that is separate from the memories of your relationship with your mother which I hope you can cherish.

don't wish to sound holier than tho but just find this whole thing so tacky and unpleasant. Maybe Im out of sync with the world these days and the only stag do Ive been on was just lads going out for a drink years ago.

For the last time! You are not being unreasonable. Your feelings about this are completely valid. It does not make you old fashioned or out of touch.

The important thing here is that you and your wife talk about this and agree on how to move on.

This thread makes me feel uncomfortable.

I'm sorry for your loss, first and foremost. However, do you think your grief could be clouding the issue? Anger at losing your mum seeking a place to land?

At the end of the day, your DW went to a hen with your permission. Hens by their very nature can include events leaning to the bawdy sexual persuasion. I agree with pp that for a hen do, the nudity can be more amusing than sexy.

She drew a naked penis and had a laugh while doing so. Unless she made sexual contact with the model, I don't think you have anything to worry or be cross about. I also highly doubt the model was "getting his jollies".

I also think you have gone slightly ott in the hoping no one finds out. It's a hen do and a live drawing class.

Also, you can't really control what other hen guests wish to post on the Internet. It's a pretty common thing to do nowadays.

To summarise:

The hen do
Your mum and your wife's relationship
The sad passing of your mum

Are all unrelated, but you are convoluting them in your head, and should try to untangle it all.

Again, sorry for your loss.

Pippa thank you I have asked her and she did realise what was going to happen when the woman announced the lad would be in the nude and they could take photos and request the lad to do certain things and of course she couldnt really get out of it. She said she sent the txt after having a bit to drink and agrees she was insensitive knowing that i was visiting my mum in the funeral parlour with my older sister.

I've just been on a hen weekend, and it was all very seemly, which is what I would expect, frankly. I'm in my 50s, and even when I was younger, have never been on a hen weekend with strippers. Totally tacky, imo. (I say this as someone who saw a lot of the other side of the industry when I was in my teens, which has coloured my view of it as just being a "bit of fun".)

I guess your wife must have been a bit shocked, as she texted you. Not surprisingly, you perhaps think a little less of her. I think that will fade in time, though, as you will see it was just something she got caught up in. It sounds like she does empathise with your feelings there.

Re your grieving, it must hurt that your wife wasn't close to your mother, so really can't share your grief. You can't rewrite history, though. I think you will have to share your grief with your family, and accept that your wife won't feel as you do. Hopefully, she will be a little more understanding.

thanks slithytove good comment.Maybe its my Christian upbringing. My wife has been on one hen do before and they went to a spa treatment place which of course many women go to and that was fine just I was very shocked that this sort of nude thing happened especially in view of our ages i was just very taken aback by her txt and the unravelling events.

Another problem is that my sisters (3) of them are not very happy either with the situation maybe I shouldn't have told them but i just had to talk to them about it and how it had hurt me very deeply.We are very close to each other and I have handled with one of my sisters all the details and arrangements of my mums passing.It has driven a wedge between them and my wife and I am regretting this now its just all such a mess and Im intending to go to my doctor and see what i can do maybe some counselling on the subject as I think I need it. thank you for all your time and comments I will take them on board and try not to think too deeply about it. thank you ladies.

Gosh quite the coincidence that you mention this life drawing shite, OP.

Only a few days ago there were approx 8 spam posts on MN all linking to a site advertising it. All were reported and deleted.
When we discussed it in Chat, most of us thought it was a ridiculous activity for a hen do.
Methinks someone, somewhere think that MN is a hotbed of women gagging to do life drawing

If my partner had gone on a hen weekend with my mother lying in her coffin there would have been hell to pay.

Even if she hadn't liked my mother, which she did, I would have expected my partner to support me in my grief and loss. She would have put my feelings before her own, as I would with her.

If she had sent a text like that when I was at the funeral parlour, well, I am speechless.

She should be thoroughly ashamed of herself for even asking your "permission". (she shouldn't need permission, but agreement)

The whole thing sounds awful, I would hate anything like that but then I hate having 'organised fun'

Sorry about your mum op.
I have to say I'm shocked at your wife's lack of support during this difficult time for you. She's a poor excuse for a partner if her priorities were to be at a hen do rather than with her grieving husband. It doesn't matter that she wasn't too close to your mum, does she know the meaning of respect? I'm sorry to say that her true colors have brightly shined here, what person goes off ogling other men when her husband of 37 years is grieving.

Gin this is a real event that has happened two weeks ago I don't understand what you mean. Are you saying that I am promoting these things or have I got mixed up with your post. Sorry Im very mixed up at the moment.

If my partner had gone on a hen weekend with my mother lying in her coffin there would have been hell to pay

Too fucking right!

I'm shocked to be honest reading some of these responses and the way the OP is under attack.

Double standards indeed.

I've just lost my mum and my husband has gone off on a stag do. On the day I go to see my beloved mum lying in her coffin I get a text from my H crowing about what this bunch of late 50s professional men (including a school teacher) are doing - painting a naked girl. I then later discover they weren't just painting her but touching her and examining her genitals and the pictures are all over facebook.

I can just imagine the responses to that one ... but when it's a grieving son and husband and a wife off on a hen do ... he's the one getting all the stick.

Unbelievable!

Thank you auntymag in lots of respects my wife is a very good caring person well respected or was should I say with my sisters and it does show her up in a bad light which she is full of remorse about.On the other hand you never really know do you about a person even if youv'e spent the greater party of your life with them. We all have our bad moments I suppose and too err is human and to forgive is divine but this episode has deeply changed things with us. I will try and put it behind us as I know mum wouldn't want me to be unhappy in what has been a long and happy marriage.