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Relationships

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Original poster

Would you be ok with your DH staying at female colleagues house?

147 replies

lidlidl · 17/05/2015 20:53

DH is going on a big annual work event & night out in a couple of weeks and has just said that he’s intending to stay with his female colleague who has a spare room. It’s at least an hour away from us with no late night transport home so it makes sense and seemed fine until I asked about her husband and he said he’d be working away so not there (works away Mon-Thur)

I trust him and have no reason to think there is anything going on between them and he’d be stupid to tell me this was what he was doing if there was but still feeling a bit weird about it. Am I being silly? I don't know her but I've heard of her before and they are friends at work.

OP posts:

donemekmelarf · 19/05/2015 10:54

If I were the female colleague in this scenario, I wouldn't dream of asking a married man to come stay at my place, overnight, in the first place!
There are plenty of other ways to be 'collegial' , friendly and kind with your work colleagues, without going down this route.

It's overstepping the boundaries.

Joysmum · 19/05/2015 11:00

Looking at it logically, there ought to be no problems.

However I'm not the most self confident of people, so it's no reflection on my DH that I would NR be not happy with this one little bit.

Luckily for me, DH wouldn't judge me for not being a cool wife and wouldn't put me in this position as he knows it wouldn't sit right with me.

I'd love to be a cool wife, but the reality of it is that I'm not! We accept and respect each other for who we are, not what we'd like each other to be so no issues here regarding our human frailties thank goodness.

MrsTedCrilly · 19/05/2015 11:09

Wouldn't care at all as I totally trust my partner.. If she had designs on him then that's her problem! He's not a dog just waiting for a tempting offer.

MistressDeeCee · 19/05/2015 11:22

Chimney nope, you are entirely wrong in your assumption. In this scenario Im far more likely to think its the OP's DH that is looking for trouble tbh. It may not be the case of course but Im not one for saying the woman is solely/definetely to blame because 9 times out of 10, these scenarios involve 1 woman being hurt, & the other woman being a convenient scapegoat with the "innocent poor lamb he was led astray man" in between all that. There's nothing at all to stop him going back to his own home after this event but he doesn't want to, does he?

Most of us would have a way of getting home after a late event where journey is only 1 hour away, especially if not living in a completely rural area. & if living in a rural area, Im sure most people would be in their own car

Yes - I do think people who hang around other people's spouses and have way too much to say about the boundaries etc in their relationships are born troublemakers and Im not about to change my views on that.

Real life isn't a storybook, shit happens and shitstirrers who get off on being that 3rd person "listening ear" preening at being privy to all the relationship secrets revel in the competitive nonsense of all that. As for the spouse who encourages all this ego stroking - s/he can minimise off-key behaviour with the "you are jealous & insecure" too-oft used turgid line.

Respect is key, everyone has feelings, relationships work better when you know what truly is not worth upsetting your partner for, but when people want their own way and couldn't care less about consideration for their partner's feelings they'll find one hundred different ways to avoid admitting that.

MistressDeeCee · 19/05/2015 11:26

I do agree with all else you've said tho you are right, she may just be offering hospitality. Its the DH's call really - he's the one in a relationship where his DW isn't entirely happy with the idea so its for him to sort really, not the female colleague who for all anybody knows may have a partner who wouldn't be entirely happy with this scenario either, but they will no doubt sort that out between them.

Some situations can be perfectly innocent but where there is uneasiness Id err on the side of caution and butt out, it simply isn't worth the aggravation really

EBearhug · 19/05/2015 11:32

If I were the female colleague in this scenario, I wouldn't dream of asking a married man to come stay at my place, overnight, in the first place!

I might - if it came up in the context of something like, "I'd like to go, but they're not funding hotels, and we're trying to save money, so the cost of a b&b or a taxi after midnight isn't something we can run to just now," I'd quite likely say, " I've got a spare room, if you don't mind being next to piles of books."

Well, depends on the colleague. In a couple of cases, I'd probably just say, "Oh, that's such a shame!" while trying not to cheer. And in most cases, I'd probably start with, "You could drive. You don't have to drink when you go out."

aurynne · 19/05/2015 11:44

If my DH wanted to shag another woman, I am sure he would find the way. As would I. This is a matter of how much you trust your DH and how comfortable you are in yourself. I have been cheated on in the past, and the cheater did not need to stay with a female friend overnight. If my DH chose to cheat on me, at least I will have lived up to that point feeling confident and comfortable, and without the need to check on him. I just could not be a partner to someone I do not trust, too much hard work :)

post · 19/05/2015 11:45

I was ok with it. They're married now. No great loss, tbh, and years ago now, but I did trust him.

badbaldingballerina123 · 19/05/2015 15:03

I've had an experience of a spouse having an unnecessary sleepover.

Plenty of booze , lowered inhibitions , complete privacy. You can guess the rest.

BrevilleTron · 19/05/2015 20:45

I've been watching this with interest as soon I'm going up to stay with my BIL for two nights as he's taking me to a motorbike auction and were having some rides out.
I'll be in the spare room obviously.
Told someone today and they were shocked that I was going alone. DH would come with me but he can't get the time off. We see BIL regularly. He's lovely. He's 55 divorced and lives alone.

What makes it worse is that his on/off gf has cancelled on him and then tried to rebook. In the meantime he invited me up so told her he'd invited his SIL up. She went mental! Doesn't believe him.

I'm taking my ID up ( we share a surname) and DH and my wedding picture is up in his house.
BIL thinks she may come round expecting to find us shagging like rabbits and has said if she does he's looking forward to her having egg on her face!

But as DH is fine and I'm fine.
What's the issue? The person I told today seems to be of the impression that BIL will attack me or something!!

KERALA1 · 19/05/2015 21:16

Wouldn't give it a second thought Dh has lots of female friends would be fine about this. He was friends with them years before I was on the scene so if he had ever wanted to go out with any of them he could have. Plus I trust him..

KERALA1 · 19/05/2015 21:19

Actually he shared a room with one at a wedding just after we got together. Didn't intend to was a comedy of errors, overbooked hotel, random man asleep in friends bed on their return from the wedding dh had to creep in retrieve friends stuff while stranger snored on the bed! Dh was furious as got no sleep (he ended up on floor in the end as gallantly gave his friend the one remaining bed).

lupo5 · 19/05/2015 21:45

No,I personaly wouldn't be ok with that but also I wouldn't stay with male friend at his place too.

donemekmelarf · 20/05/2015 10:12

So far it appears that most posters wouldn't like it, but there are a few who wouldn't mind.

I wonder what the OP is thinking now after reading the replies

vodkanchocolate · 20/05/2015 10:20

It would depend on the female tbh and wether or not hes got any previous. We are all different and have different situations so doesnt really matter what we would do or think if your not happy or uncomfortable you need to let him know.

Personally I do think id be concerned and it would be at the back of my mind but we have a pretty laid back relationship I wouldnt tell him I was worried due to past situations that would make me look an hypercrite

TheOriginalSteamingNit · 20/05/2015 10:23

I would not give this, and have not given it in the past, a second thought.

DP went on a 4 day work trip to Germany with a female colleague - he just came home irritated that she was forever wanting to stop and get sandwiches and making them late for things. It honestly never occurred to me to think about anything other than whether they'd got on ok!

chiruri · 20/05/2015 10:26

Wouldn't be bothered in the slightest. I've stayed with male colleagues (whom I'd probably also consider friends) on multiple occasions, and my DH has stayed with female friends again on multiple occasions. I trust him completely. It does help that we share groups of friends/colleagues (we work in the same place in different departments) so we each knew the other parties.

donemekmelarf · 20/05/2015 10:29

Original, it's just as well it doesn't bother you.

Because even if he had done something with his colleague, you honestly don't think he would ever tell you about it do you? Come on.
No man is ever going to come home and tell his wife that something did go on.
The wives very rarely find out about these things anyway.

donemekmelarf · 20/05/2015 10:40

You know your husband and whether you can trust him. I'm probably being a bit too cynical.

It's just that I always knew when my ex was getting tooclose to someone. (2 EA's and onePA)
He would always spin me a line about how he found them' irritating', or 'annoying' or 'plain' and 'she's not my type' was always a favorite that was trotted out.
I found out they were anything but

I think phrases like that were meant to throw me off the scent.

But they are all 'words'. What people say and what people are really thinking, can be two completely different things.

TheOriginalSteamingNit · 20/05/2015 11:02

No, I don't know if he'd tell me, I only know it didn't occur to me to worry about it. As you say, the people involved know whether they trust someone, and they probably have good reason either way!

But if the question is, 'in your relationship, would this worry you?', the answer is definitely no, it wouldn't.

I don't know whether irritation at unscheduled sandwich buying is an absolute classic of the adulterous male designed to throw the woman off the scent - maybe it is, and I'll end up with egg (sandwich) all over my face...

TheOriginalSteamingNit · 20/05/2015 11:04

to be fair, if you're asked to go to Germany with a female colleague, I don't think it would be remotely possible to say 'my DP doesn't trust me, can I have a bloke to go with?', anyway. That level of anxiety and mistrust wouldn't play very well as a reason for not doing your job, would it?

Lindt70Percent · 20/05/2015 11:12

Wouldn't bother me at all and I know it wouldn't bother him if the situation was reversed.

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