Would you be ok with your DH staying at female colleagues house?

[lidlidl]

DH is going on a big annual work event & night out in a couple of weeks and has just said that he’s intending to stay with his female colleague who has a spare room. It’s at least an hour away from us with no late night transport home so it makes sense and seemed fine until I asked about her husband and he said he’d be working away so not there (works away Mon-Thur)

I trust him and have no reason to think there is anything going on between them and he’d be stupid to tell me this was what he was doing if there was but still feeling a bit weird about it. Am I being silly? I don't know her but I've heard of her before and they are friends at work.

I've just remembered, my husband has stayed at a female colleague's house! She is a lot older than him and very matronly (as well as a lovely person). Perhaps this is bad of me, but it would matter who she was as well as his very trustworthy nature.

I trust my husband, he trusts me. But, neither of us would be comfortable with this.

Humans have a design flaw. Fallibility.

Post party buzz+Possible tipseyness lowering inhibitions+novelty of initimate setting. I wouldn't chance it. Not for him, not for me.

We have a different sort of trust deal. It's based on the principle of run at the first minor frisson. Becuase we are married, not dead, so it's not realistic to assume neither of us will ever have a sexual feeling for anybody else, ever again. Sexual urges can be powerful and IMO the safest, most reliable route is to be utterly steely at the start, when it is still relatively easy to shut them down and close off any dabbling on the edges of Lake Temptation.

"I Trust You" only takes you so far, I think it needs more of a hand in keeping it upright than maybe other people do. I'd rather we trusted each other to have the good sense to step away soonest possible and actively avoid situations that might lend themselves to getting carried away if the wrong factors eased common sense off the balcony.

Pleanty of formerly solid couples have gone kaputt becuase of trust being a bit too porous in the face of something that was practically designed to bring out an imperfect human's feet of clay.

You have instincts gnawing at you? They are there for a reason. Trust them.

Chances are, nothing would happen. But even the most robust relationships can stand for a little mollycoddling. Just to give a helping hand in getting it through life's already bumpy roads ... without any additional, unnecessary stress and strains testing its limits.

For me it would totally depend on the colleague and the nature of the relationship. If it was a very close friend who I'd met and trusted and I knew they were close work-mates I probably wouldn't give it a second thought. I don't think there's anything automatically wrong with staying with a colleague of the opposite sex, as some have suggested.

If, on the other hand, it was some random or near-random who had just arrived on the scene and he was announcing that he was going to stay at her house overnight, sans-husband, I'd be a bit .

Ultimately though it comes down to whether you trust him or not.

It has to be said that if he was looking to have an affair with her, I would find it surprising that he volunteered the information.

Rubbish. A good marriage can stay faithful through any amount of alcohol. If it can't the marriage is crap. Fact.

AiCee, I agree with everything you say, but what would you advise the OP to do?
She's uncomfortable with the situation.
But, how can she approach this with her DH without sounding jealous and insecure?
What if he doesn't listen to her and goes ahead with staying at this woman's house anyway?

I've met hundreds of desirable men I could have slept with, while thousands of miles from home, hubby would never have known. I never even came close to doing it.

OP could go and collect them BOTH after the night out, dropping her home on the way. She would do this because of some event planned for the following day, perhaps? I don't know. It sounds very see-through and so it is - it's based on not trusting him.

There's no easy way out of this because her husband wants to go with this arrangement, sees nothing wrong in it. For OP to say anything at all is going to make him feel not trusted.

I'm not very comfortable with this opposite sex thing because it's making me think that those posters who're so opposed to this colleague-sharing based on gender are missing the point somehow. It is about not putting yourself at risk but it's also about not micromanaging your partner.

I would be very annoyed if my husband said I couldn't stay over with a colleague under the circumstances OP describes, I really would.

What I mean, after all that is that the 'No, thank you colleague', needed to come from OP's partner, not from her.

x-posted with Maryz, agree very much with her post.

But, how can she approach this with her DH without sounding jealous and insecure?

I don't think the OP's instincts are the product of jealous and insecurity. More a case of a woman who is aware that potential profits are negligible, and however low the risk of losing, the stake required is too high.

Which I think is as good as any other way of explaining it. And I doubt her husband would have a hard time following the logic.

Sounds a bit odd to me that Work would arrange an annual event (with presumably mandatory attendance) but not organise hotels etc for the employees even though the evening do ends so late that all the night transport will have stopped running. How are other employees getting home?

It would never happen. I can;t ever imagine either of us thinking about doing this.

As for the if you trust him stuff.. well like I always say, we all trust our partners and most people who are in the divorce courts due to cheating probably trusted their partners too at one point.

DH has never cheated on me and he is extremely loyal. However people fuck up and with drinking, and being alone together it could have the potential to end badly. It probably wouldn't but it isn't something either of us would be comfortable with. I know far too many who have been burnt by situations like this online.

I also don't agree with the line 'if people want to cheat then they will' most people don't actually set out to cheat, it happens often with a gradual crossing of boundaries and certain situations can make it much more likely to happen.

"I Trust You" only takes you so far, I think it needs more of a hand in keeping it upright than maybe other people do. I'd rather we trusted each other to have the good sense to step away soonest possible and actively avoid situations that might lend themselves to getting carried away if the wrong factors eased common sense off the balcony.

Pleanty of formerly solid couples have gone kaputt because of trust being a bit too porous in the face of something that was practically designed to bring out an imperfect human's feet of clay.

This!

OP, you say this event isn't until a couple of weeks time.
I think you should have a chat with your husband. You feel obviously feel uncomfortable enough about the situation to have started a thread about it.
There is still time for your husband to say politely to female colleague ''well thank you very much for your offer, but I have decided to do a. b. or c. (make other arrangements)
Most husbands won't want their wives to feel bad about something so shouldn't have a problem doing this.
Good luck.

it would not make a jot of difference to me "how to approach" this

you state your case, the end

if you cannot be honest with your own husband and worry about sounding jealous and insecure, then what kind of "marriage" do you honestly have ?

if you have to hide how you feel because of how it might look, I'd rather be single

You say it's a big annual event, so why doesn't he want to stay in an hotel with his other colleagues? That would be the norm, A company would also find it strange that two were not joining in. These things do get noted.

So while all are around are at a bar, or having breakfast next morning, your husband and the female colleague are conversing over her kitchen table? Oh come on.
I blame her for inviting him. Surely she also should be staying at an hotel as well? That was always expected of me, even on my doorstep. Bloody teamwork and all that guff. Does her absent husband know?

If they fancy one another, they will find a way, so I can't see how to stop it, but you asked if it is ok/innocent and I would say no.

About 'work' arranging hotels; they don't always, even if it's mandatory to go. I went to an industry thing that I was expected to go to in December, had no intention of staying over and work wasn't arranging a hotel anyway. I attended with a male colleague and we arrived and left together, dropped him off on the way home and staggered in at 4pm carrying my shoes.

I do agree with AF though OP, if you can't speak to your husband about this and get him to decline with thanks.

I so wish women would stop pronouncing that their husbands/partners have never cheated.

Exactly paddy. Nobody can no for sure.

Nobody can know for sure whether their partner has ever cheated.

No, not for sure.

But in my situation with my husband who is disabled and doesn't work who has severe social anxiety and finds it hard to leave the house I am pretty darn confident that he hasn't met a random woman walking down the road and dragged her home for sex while I was either doing the school run or all our children were at home.

I ve come to the conclusion that the people saying "No" are the ones who think they'd find it hard to resist temptation themselves.

I absolutely disagree with what you've posted AiCee it's got nothing to do with "common sense". It's to do with decency and the ability to walk away.

"Rubbish. A good marriage can stay faithful through any amount of alcohol. If it can't the marriage is crap. Fact."

I'd never trust judgement from anyone who says, "Fact."

Well, you know, I don't trust anybody 100%. Not even myself.