Would you be ok with your DH staying at female colleagues house?

[lidlidl]

DH is going on a big annual work event & night out in a couple of weeks and has just said that he’s intending to stay with his female colleague who has a spare room. It’s at least an hour away from us with no late night transport home so it makes sense and seemed fine until I asked about her husband and he said he’d be working away so not there (works away Mon-Thur)

I trust him and have no reason to think there is anything going on between them and he’d be stupid to tell me this was what he was doing if there was but still feeling a bit weird about it. Am I being silly? I don't know her but I've heard of her before and they are friends at work.

I'd be quite flabbergasted if my DH even asked or suggested this as an option tbh. and I can't imagine asking a male colleague if he wanted to stay over while DH was working away either.

I think it is a bit .. romantic, for want of a better word, to think you can divide people up into neat categories like "decent and willing to walk away", or not.

For sure git faces exist. For sure paragons of virtue exist. The rest of us walk on the less certain terrain between those 2 extremes.

I'll take common sense any day of the week. It has proven a rather useful vaccination against a popular stance of:

-if you trust each other then you're impervious, anytime, anyplace, anywhere.

• if you trust and lose the bet then your entire relationship was a mirage so you've lost nothing and cleaning up the rubble of a formerly happy relationship is just a case of not delaying the inevitable.

-if as a couple you make any form of temptation insulators part of the package then you don't trust each other, meaning the relationship is fucked up anyway, so might as well give up now.

Given that tiny humans tend to stand alongside their parents in the rubble of what was a previously stable enough, happy enough relationship, I tend to err on the side of caution when it comes to assuming that either my husband or I have "decency and willingness to walk away" written through us in the style of Blackpool rock, no matter what the circumstances, regardless of any inhibition lowering factors. Given the stakes for the voiceless, powerless child in the mix, I don't see any moral high ground in jettisoning "keep common sense on the table at all costs" and claiming a more self congratulatory label for myself.

I'd rather assume that my feet carried a risk of being a bit clay like if push came to shove in a context where I hadn't taken immediate protective and avoidance measures. Because IMO that sort of common sense powered "defensive driving" in the marital car is my child's best bet that I don't sleepwalk into causing him harm.

20 years of marriage and I have never given my husband cause for concern. So far, so ... it's working. I'll take that over being one of the people I have seen sitting in a heap crying that they didn't mean it and it "just" happened.

Because it didn't "just" happen. There are pretty much always clear stages where walk away and avoidance was possible and doable, but they didn't. Some of them had a theory about themselves that didn't pan out as well in practice. There's a very hollow victory to be had in calling them non-decent, considering the ripple effect of pain and loss for so many people.

Everything Aicee said. I don't think you can divide people into Trustworthy and Non-Trustworthy.
Sometimes trustworthy people make mistakes. It's best to avoid situations where they could make a mistake.

I also think it's bit off the way the OP's husband has 'told' her he will be staying at the female colleagues house while her husband is away working.
It should have been a case of ''Colleague has offered for me to stay at hers - Are you okay with that?''

Great posts AiCee and Then.

I have never, ever got so drunk that I don't know what I am doing either. I have never been so drunk that my decision making is compromised but I rarely drink and when I do it is not much at all as I hate being drunk.

However many people aren't like me and do drink far too much and do really stupid shit that they wouldn't do when they are sober.

I think it is naive to trust anyone 100%, even yourself. I have met people who are lovely and kind, people you wouldn't believe would ever be capable of cheating who fucked up. My experiences and the statistics show that many people do cheat at some point in their marriage, the stats are pretty miserable aren't they?

I think in general there is a lot of misinformation about how affairs usually start on MN. Most cheaters aren't arseholes who set out to have an affair. Nothing excuses it but it isn't always as simple as people make out. There aren't cheaters and non cheaters, we are all capable of crossing that line and none of us are infallible.

I would personally prefer us to be a bit careful about putting ourselves in situations that have the potential to go wrong. I wouldn't go home with a co-worker and spend the night there, just me and him when we have been drinking. Do I trust myself? well after 10 years I have never cheated on my dh or been tempted to but I would prefer not to take the risk.

If people are comfortable with it then that is great. If people aren't that is also fine and understandable. What I hate though is people coming on posting shit like how it shouldn't be a problem if you trust your husband or how your marriage must be shit if you aren't comfortable with it. There is nothing wrong with not trusting someone 100% and being aware that people do fuck up no matter how much you think you trust them.

But DrSeth you're talking about your female friends, furthermore they are single so you only have the feelings of yourselves to consider regardless of whether you or they have any ulterior motives.

There are certain behaviours which are simply not appropriate once you're in a relationship regardless of how innocent the action itself might be. It's for the OP and her husband to decide between them where they draw the line.

In this case if everyone's already spent hours with each other at a work event then all evening together as well then I'm sure no one would bat an eyelid if the OP's DH left in time to catch the last train/bus home. How was he intending to get home before this woman offered him a bed?

Bakeoff, indeed, when I shared the flat midweek with my actually rather attractive male colleague, I let not a drop of alcohol pass my lips and left the rusty lock of my chastity belt with my husband, for unlocking only at weekends.

I don't get the 'there are certain behaviour which are simply not appropriate once you're in a relationship regardless of how innocent the action itself might be' approach. There's someone on another thread getting annoyed by the fact that another woman asked her husband to zip up the back of her dress in a crowded kitchen at a party.

I have close male friends (including my former colleague). I have close male friends where we are both aware, without anything being said, that if we'd met when we were both single, we'd probably have had a relationship. I have male friends with whom I have shared a room, and, on occasion, a (platonic) bed when stranded. My husband's closest friend is female, usually single, and remarkably beautiful - and they've certainly shared hotel rooms in the past. Are we really such exceptional people in remaining happily and faithfully together after 23 years? I don't see that we are.

DrSeth I agree with Snoozy, if you and your friends are single, there's no reason whatsoever not to get it on after a drunken night out together, many relationships start that way!

I stay in male friends' houses (sometimes in same room!) when I go see my friends who live in other cities (and countries). My DH fully trusts me and has never even raised an eyebrow. He has stayed in female friends' houses. I don't raise an eyebrow.

What kind of work thing would involve the necessity of an overnight stay an hour away?

Surely other colleagues are in the same boat?

He should just leave in time to get the last bus/train back? Or get a lift/taxi.

This isn't a friend from old, though. I have lots of male friends from years ago, and my husband would be fine with those/vice versa. You tend to have worked out where you stand with each other after some time.

Dr Seth I have to say you might be the exception to the rule though. I hung out with a group of male friends for many years in their twenties, exactly the type of nice guys who are very 'trustworthy' with good jobs and nice girlfriends. Most of the time, with the odd exception, they were pretty faithful. However, over the decade, I have to say every single one of them clocked up at least one episode that wouldn't have been ok had their girlfriend or wife found out about it. This ranged from excessive flirting/overly cuddly hugging right through to prostitute use on a boys' weekend away. This last one absolutely gutted me when I realised my lovely male friend who would never hurt a fly, lovely person, always faithful back home, the kind of guy you would trust with anything, would actually sleep with a Thai prostitute. He is exactly the type of guy that his wife would say 'I trust him 100%'. I always wonder if he told.

This friendship group has made me rather cynical about men (or indeed people) being either 'one of the good guys' or one of the unfaithful type. I've seen pretty much everyone I know fall at this hurdle at one time in the past 25 years, whether it be dating a married man (or turning a blind eye to lack of info on their marital status), dating overlap between finishing one rel and going into another, having one boyfriend at home, one at uni, mistakenly snogging someone at the office party when attached, right through to full-blown affairs. That includes my women friends by the way.

Nowadays, perhaps everyone is too tired to bother. I don't know many friends who are having affairs right now, although I know plenty who have had them or confessed to them over the years.

My husband also has lots of female friends and indeed colleagues, and has stayed over with one or two of them over the years. I would be relaxed about him going out to dinner and staying with an old female friend he's known for 25 years, not relaxed about him staying over with a new colleague from the office I've never met and whom he seemed to be trying to engineer a situation to be together after an office party. It's hard to read what's going on here, and I guess that's why the OP is uncomfortable with it- it could be entirely innocent and a pragmatic decision, it could be deliberate and suspicious. But my husband would realise the ambiguity and act on it by asking me if I thought it was ok or whether to get a taxi home.

Brilliant post from AiCee, I like your analogies SO much.

Egged... your post made me laugh. You left the lock at home with your husband... so you weren't wearing the chastity belt in any secured, fastened position then?

I understand exactly where you're coming from. I work away from home most of the time; my husband is at work locally 9-5. I could fling around a lot, I get a lot of opportunities and nobody would ever know. It's up to me to acknowledge this and, as AiCee says, 'steer the car' having regard to these risks.

I most definitely have feet of clay and I know I do, however high the heel, the contents are pure mud.

Egged you missed off where I said "it's for the OP and her husband to decide between them where they draw the line". Once there is mutual agreement as in your case then it's a non-issue. But if I suddenly wanted to spend the night alone with a male friend then no, I don't think it would be appropriate for me to decide on behalf of my DH whether he should be comfortable with that any more than I would think it ok for me to sleep with someone else just because some people have open relationships.

I shared a twin room with a male colleague for a week and neither of us had the slightest interest in getting up to anything

Was it not a bit awkward? What if one of you farts loudly or snores or dribbles in their sleep?

Well we were away with work....part of our job involved going on holiday with a group of adults with learning difficulties and when we got to the holiday house the room configuration meant either we shared or we each shared with one of the adults we were helping. None of them were used to sharing a room and so we felt it was unfair to them and also having spent all day with them it was nice to feel a little bit 'off duty' while we slept.

I would happily offer a colleague a spare room to sleep in if they were travelling and it wouldn't cross my mind that they would think I was offering additional services

OP not been back then ?

I can't believe there are businesses out there that would not offer to a hotel. That's the weird bit. Surely everyone would rather have their own peace and quiet in a hotel???

Maybe OP is on a sleepover AF

mebbe

Sharing a room is rather different than being a guest in someone's house with your own room and, possibly, your own bathroom (or if not, then pretty careful and polite tiptoeing round, robe to go to the loo in the night, dressing in the bathroom after showering if you want to do that in the morning).

I regularly go overseas for work and sometimes it is to areas with no hotels, or none without cockroaches or bedbugs. I have often stayed at a divorced male colleague's house, including both when I was single and when I was married. I well remember being on the phone to DH when our wedding venue was on TV, I was in the colleague's house watching it and feeling a bit weepy and sentimental down the line to DH.

Even taking into account the fact that I wouldn't be interested in this work colleague in a million years, and he has children who were often there so would have acted as passion killers, I'd be happy to do this again, if I was comfortable with the colleague in question. DH would trust me if I was comfortable. If DH started making noises about no man being trustworthy, I'd tell him to get over himself.

Given the setting and income level of the colleague in question, which I knew beforehand, I assumed I'd have an ensuite bathroom before travelling the first time, and this turned out to be the case. If I hadn't been sure I'd have packed a nice all encompassing robe (which I did when staying with a junior female colleague elsewhere who I knew wouldn't have such palatial surroundings - I'd be just as unhappy embarrassing her as him.)

The only risks I see are dressing inappropriately and embarrassing someone who is not a close friend/relative (easily avoided if you take appropriate indoor clothing) and failing to take account of a colleague who may behave inappropriately. In the latter case, I'd be asking for another place to stay the next morning if it was more than just a single night. I've done that for other reasons (a third, female colleague with a family happened to be in the middle of moving and was being terribly kind by asking me to stay but it was, clearly, far too much for her).

Oh, and coming over all soppy down the phone to your nearest and dearest in front of a work colleague. Thankfully the colleague was out that evening...

Does you DH work with Angela Jolie. If so then I would worry, otherwise not worry too much - other than think its a bit weird and not what Id do.

I'd only do this in an exceptional event i.e. massive snowstorm.

For something planned, I would just get a room in Hotel or B+B. Most pople tend keep a bit of distance privacy from work mates.

"Most pople tend keep a bit of distance privacy from work mates" really? I've met some of my closest friends through work - looking around that seems to be a common pattern among my friends and family.

I had a friend stay last month that I last worked with in 1980, he's been in a LTR for about 10 yrs and was in my area on business (we now live at opposite ends of the country) and he suggested he come and stay over and catch up. I'm a dangerous divorcee these days so lucky his dp (who I've never met) isn't on MN I suppose or all hell might have broken loose . And while I do think he's drop dead gorgeous, always did, strangely enough I managed not to jump him because that would have been just odd and wrong and I'm a grown up.

If there is a hotel option and he has chosen to go and stay with his friend instead, then yes my alarm bells would be ringing

Really?
I'd be much more concerned as to why my dh was wasting £50? £60? on a hotel room when there was the offer of a room for free at a mate's house.
Surely those of you who seem to think that colleagues are unable to keep their hands off each other after a works do, can see that if they wanted to stray, the colleague could just as easily come to this hotel room you are keen to waste money on book if they wanted to?

Out of interest, where would I stand in letting my colleague who is gay stop over after a night out? Does this only apply to men and women, or is it any work colleague you aren't allowed to be mates with ?

There are certain behaviours which are simply not appropriate once you're in a relationship regardless of how innocent the action itself might be. It's for the OP and her husband to decide between them where they draw the line

^ This, absolutely. We'd all love to live in a perfect world where human beings are as swans, faithful for life, no situation ever brought out temptations, where people eternally had respect for each other..but, we don't. & there's no point being naively about it.

Its not about whether these 2 are planning to mess around or not, in particular. Its the blatant disregard and its so not a good look. In respect of both their partners and, I might add, their work colleagues. Its unprofessional. If you can't have consideration for your partners' feelings and that yes, his/her feelings may not be "perfect & reasonable" according to your actions in certain circumstances then whats the point in being in a relationship?

Id have to be far more than an hour away to stay in a work colleagues' house and if I truly had to, Id ensure that colleague was female. Situations can happen, and be misinterpreted...ie one might have an expectation that the other didn't, and it could turn out to be embarassing or, pretty nasty...with 1 person saying 1 thing happened, the other claiming it didnt happen that way. The blame game.

We can all trust ourselves but we can't know another person's intentions or expectations, can we?

Why invite un-neccessary angst into life? If you're in a relationship sleep in your own home, with your partner. If you really can't, just stay in a hotel. Then there's no uneasiness. I couldn't be bothered with bringing an uncomfortable dialogue into my relationship about some other bloke, I like an easy life.

From the "female colleague's" point of view ...

I often have colleagues and visitors to my work place staying at my house. I like it: they are usually interesting company, and it helps the teamwork that is essential in my job.

It is just staying in my spare room, and there's considerable privacy (spare bathroom etc etc etc).

Frankly, I'd be mortified if a colleague's spouse/partner got weird about my hospitality. And probably quite angry, to be honest. It's a bit insulting to assume that all female co-workers are after other people's husbands.

Do you work outside the home OP ? Do you have female colleagues? Do you realise we don't have 2 heads or irresistible vaginas?

Just think about it for a moment ...

Who is to say its the female co-worker after a woman's husband? Could be the other way around, after all. & it really isn't about who is after who, its about knowing boundaries and not crossing them. Sometimes they need to un-necessary situations and disputes and what is the need for that?

Too many people want to be in relationships and pretend that amounts to being the same as being single. It doesn't. Its not a pointscoring game "oh this is what I want to do & if you dont accept it, it means you're jealous & insecure"

Some people are jealous and insecure and they have reason to be, mostly. Even if someone felt this way I wouldn't use it as an excuse to do something that makes them feel sad inside. Consideration isn't a dirty word.

I also wouldn't be angry if colleague's spouse/partner was angry with my hospitality towards their spouse. I wouldn't give it energy, or invest in it. Id butt da hell out and leave them to their business. Their relationship and what they have in place re. boundaries is their own business and nobody else's. & any man who voiced to me his wife felt this way would get zero attention from me. Far nicer and more loyal if he sorts it out with her, and doesn't aim to involve me as the sympathetic third wheel woman.

Most people who want to be in the eyeline of another person's spouse with no consideration for boundaries or their partners' feelings are born troublemakers. The excuse that anybody else who doesn't see their behaviour for what it is won't wash with everybody, as much as the troublesome folk may scream about people being insecure or thinking you want to jump on their man/woman. The issue of respect and knowing when to bow out and leave a couple to thrash out issues themselves is far deeper than that

MistressDeeCee you seem (like the OP ) to assume that the OP's husband's colleague is necessarily or obviously some sort of "troublemaker".

Most people who want to be in the eyeline of another person's spouse with no consideration for boundaries or their partners' feelings are born troublemakers

I'm just suggesting she might be a normal whatever that is ordinary person offering hospitality to a colleague with no further thoughts or nefarious desires. If I saw the OP's post or heard this as her response, I'd withdraw my kind invitation, and think that my colleague had problems (although I wouldn't say anything). I'd be far less collegial after that, I can tell you.