DH has left again

[AndHarry]

Third time in as many years. He sat me down last night and said he was unhappy and thought we should separate. I asked him what he was unhappy about and what I needed to change. It was difficult to pin him down to anything but then it came out: he wants me to do things for him like sew buttons back onto his shirts and fix his trousers when there's a hole in the pocket or the hem has dropped. That's it. He wants to put me through all this again because of a few buttons. It's so incredibly pathetic I would laugh if I wasn't crying.

What it actually boils down to is that he wants to feel respected as the manly head of the household, even if he hasn't put it like that. As I told him last night, it's difficult to respect him when I feel like his mother: organising everything, picking up after him, reminding him of essential things that need doing for the kids, coming into the kitchen many days to find it full of dirty crockery from the day(s) before (I cook, he washes up), struggle to tidy up because the bins are overflowing (his job) and have to cajole him into coming out with the kids instead of sticking on a DVD and lying on the sofa all weekend. I have tried and tried in as many ways as I could think of to make things easy for him and do things for him but get ground down by the sheer laziness of his response. The more I do, the less he bothers.

I said I would do everything around the house if that would stop the arguments and resentment, just to be stonewalled with 'it won't work'. I asked him to try doing the household chores he had agreed to do, consistently, and got 'it won't work'.

I pointed out that I had supported him in going to the gym every morning before work and going out with his friends several nights a week so that he gets his own time. Apparently 'it's not that'.

I said how hurt I was that he had complained about what I cooked so I only made the things he said he wanted but he still orders pizza for himself. How hurt I am that when I did as he asked and made his lunches he didn't eat them, preferring to get fast food instead. 'Shrug'.

The fact is that he has a pretty cushy life but, as he repeatedly points out, he is the 'breadwinner' while I only work because I want to, so anything wrong around the house is immediately my fault for not being wifely enough.

I ended up screaming into my pillow with sheer frustration. He didn't come to bed and this morning he wasn't in the house and his car has gone.

Another fall to the tax office to sort out tax credits tomorrow. Another time trying to keep myself together for the kids, dealing with their anxieties over their dad being gone, pretending that he's in meetings or at the gym every evening. Dealing with my parents' disappointment again.

I'm sorry this is an essay. I don't want anything, just needed to get it out.

Get him to pay what he should, OP. You quite rightly will be safer if you treat it as extra money and don't rely on it, but he has a moral obligation to pay his share

What would his share be? He'll be paying child maintenance. I don't want anything from him. I'd be quite happy to hand over my share of the business and give up any future claim on him in return for me getting the house outright, would that be about right?

I have to say, I'm absolutely exhausted. The past 2 nights I've slept like a log (apart from getting up for the DC as usual during the night) but before that I wasn't sleeping well. It's my weekend 'off' so I'm going with a friend to visit an English Heritage place tomorrow then hopefully collapsing into bed to catch up on some sleep.

The other thing is that I'm finding it very hard to be civil to STBexH. I'm on anti-depressants for PMT so it might just be that and the tiredness but I just can't handle the petty attitude. Last night I told him to f-off when he started speaking to me really sarcastically. I'm definitely not proud of that :(

Last night I told him to f-off when he started speaking to me really sarcastically. I'm definitely not proud of that

Really? Not proud?

You should perfect your Oh, do fuck off dear! sarcastic reply.

But, more seriously, don't speak to him. Keep it in writing. Then, you can read it when you want to, the tone is less obvious and it's on record.
If handing over children, then you can just wave them goodbye and turn you back on him.

It's more the loss of calm than the swearing/rudeness, although of course neither of those are great things either. I'd had a lovely evening and wasn't feeling the slightest bit argumentative. I've got a mindfulness/relaxation CD that I used when I was climbing out of the PND hole so I think I'll start using that again. It might help me to sleep better too actually.

I think a good 'fuck off' sounds very therapeutic actually

I've been sweetness and light to my ex. How I will be once his wonderful DM is no longer with us I can't say. I do think it's worth holding back on the angry outbursts if there will be people you love who will be hurt by it. In your (and my) case, the dc. So I totally understand. The other thing is - I felt he DID NOT CONTROL me, so I would not let him turn me into the person I didn't want to be, angry and bitter etc. I would be the person I wanted to be. It's hard work sometimes, but TBH not as hard as dealing with him on a day to day basis . You're doing really well Harry!

catsrus I don't want to be that way either. Thanks for your thoughts.

I was going to veg out with Captain America this evening but that somehow turned into clearing out all STBexH's stuff from the living room, hall and upstairs. It's now sitting in a nice pile waiting for him to collect it when he picks up the kids tomorrow and I'm trying to decide between Captain America, a long bath or stripping the beds.

Well, today's a crash day. This was the first weekend without the kids and it really hurt handing them over, made worse by STBexH texting me later to say that DD was ill. He's no longer wearing his wedding ring, which is such a small thing but another little pang.

I went out with a friend on Saturday, which helped take my mind off things a bit, and church on Sunday was also good, but today I just feel like curling up under the duvet. I'm at work so that's a no-go but after I've put the kids to bed later I think I'll settle down with a book and hot chocolate and just breathe.

You absolutely do what you want to.
Snuggled with a good book is perfectly fine.
You are getting through this.
Just take is steady and slow.
You'll have up and down days for many months to come.

I just read another thread today that made me so sad I had tears in my eyes at work just thinking about my lost marriage and the awful heartbreak of another lovely woman on here. And mine ended 6 years ago. And I have a lovely partner now. But it never truly goes away.
It WILL get easier but not for a while yet.
As everyone says - fake it till you make it.

If we're thinking of the same thread then yes, it is absolutely awful: sordid and a disgusting lack of respect for someone the man has vowed to cherish.

I know it will take time to find a new normal. In a way, it's the freedom that feels so daunting. I can spend my evenings after the DC have gone to bed how I like, some weekends how I like. I have plenty going on in my life but those hours are suddenly very different, and now always will be.

I'm glad everything has worked out for you. If you're under a similar name change I think I might have been your mumsnet secret Santa a couple of years ago :)

Ah, no. I just checked your profile and it's a poster with a similar nn.

Just wanted to pop in again and say you have a chance to embrace the free time. You can take a course, have a take-away night, girls night, online courses or just read a book or get sucked into Netflix. Now you can do your nails in bed, leave bed socks full of vasaline'd feet on without feeling like a frump in front of exP, eat toast in bed etc etc. This is another chance for change! I try now to set goals for each year - learnt to drive and did my first oil painting last year amongst other things. I don't get free time as such (single mum and dd is only 3.5 and in nursery 9-12 so cleaning reigns) but every now and then when she is asleep or in nursery I feel the need to do something for me. This September I am starting Uni! Keep moving forward for yourself. I hope you are still feeling like the trooper you are!

Thanks Lion! I've already set some goals based on things that have taken a back-burner for a while. The first one is to sort out my skin: it's grey, dry and spotty. I've now got some gorgeous face products I never knew I needed so we'll see if they make any difference! Next is to get back to my target weight by my birthday. I've just counted and that's 8kg in 27 weeks, which looks do-able. No hot chocolate for me... Slightly less shallow ones include my education, which is already on a roll but I should now have time to take on a bit more, and getting myself the promotion and pay rise at work that I really do deserve. I've been far too shy about asserting myself in that area and I'm doing myself and our household finances an injustice.

The 'new normal' takes a while to emerge harry - all those choices when we thought the rest of our lives was set into a comfortable path. Might be a wide path with interesting turns, but we basically could see into the future. For me it was this house, garden, possibly (hopefully) grandchildren coming to visit... Some arts and crafts and writing. A bit dull for some but I'm not an adventurer . All of a sudden I was watching 'escape to the country - home or away' (or whatever it's called!) with new eyes. What about a remote Scottish island, look look what I could buy in rural France, really must refresh my O level French... My mind exploded with choices.

I said I'd give myself 4 years - no huge decisions within that, just keep going. I did that and have now decided to apply for early retirement, spend my savings on giving myself a few years of doing interesting and creative things and downsize from the house much sooner than expected OR find good friends to share it with once the children have gone - this is looking more attractive every day. I'm going to have to be careful with money but I should be ok. I don't have expensive tastes .

My new normal is emerging, and looks very like the old normal but I needed to explore a lot more options which suddenly presented themselves. Actually I bored myself with my speculating in the end - until I worked out what really mattered in my life!

You'll get there, bit by bit.

That all sounds amazing. What a great set of changes!

I've signed up for a few races, which I love doing, and also found the local ParkRun that I can easily fit in on a Saturday morning. I've wanted to do it for ages but the nearest one was too far away: this is a new local run. I'm excited :)

Yesterday I put the DC to bed, sat down to do some reading and woke up 5 hours later wondering where I was, what day it was and why I was still in my work clothes. So the tiredness has finally caught up with me. I feel much better for the long sleep though. There's still a lot to do and I don't feel great about it but it feels more manageable.

You really are a star and such a huge inspiration to many on this site who have had to travel this well-worn, but shit-full path. Keep going Harry - you - are amazing and things can only get better from here.

I don't know about inspiration; it's taken a good few years to get to this point. I've posted on Mumsnet about the situation before under different names and been told to leave but I'm glad that I didn't. Before, I had hope and confidence that we would work through it and be all the stronger for the experience of doing something difficult together. I thought that marriage counselling would make a difference, that he would see what he stood to lose, that I would see things differently once I'd worked through the PND, that once he'd set up the business and worked closer to home he'd be more involved in family life, that if I encouraged him to go out lots that he'd feel fresh for being a husband and father.

This time, I feel the peace that comes with knowing that I have tried so hard and done enough and that this would only have worked if he had put more effort in, not me. I could and would have done everything but it would still have come crashing down at some point because who he wants me to be is not who I am and I would have broken under the pressure of trying to be that person. It hurt so, so much but that peace is there.

I went back and read my other thread. It's here. I really, really, don't want to go back to that because apart from a joint account, nothing has changed.

Get as much out of him as you can. It's for your children, after all. Go for the pension too, if there is one. You need to harden your heart and get as much from him as you can - you won't get the lot, but you can negotiate down. If you start at half way, you'll end up with a quarter, so set the value of your children's way of life high.

There's not much to get TBH: no pension, no savings, hardly any assets. As I said before, I'd be happy to swap my share of the business and any future claim on him for the house. The equity in the house isn't very much so I think that would be fair. The DC and I will have enough for our needs without anything more than the CSA maintenance amount and I'm not interested at all in trying for any sort of revenge by shackling him financially. I want him to have the opportunity to rebuild a happy life. That's in no way absolving him of his obligations to the kids but I wouldn't be happy either living in the knowledge that I'd gone for every penny. All I want is for this divorce to proceed as smoothly and as quickly as possible so that we can all move on.

My solicitor has sent back the draft court documents for me to sign, so those are going back today. It hardly seems a week ago that all this happened but it's been nearly a month.

I'm 4+ yrs down the line harry and moving on quickly has a lot going for it. I won't say I don't sometimes resent how easily he moved on - and how his moving on was not apparently hampered by the devastation done to his daughters, leaving me to pick up the pieces, but I can say with absolute certainly that moving on has been better than treading water in my relationship with him. I wouldn't go back, and I wouldn't have him back. Life is good rather than OK these days .

It's not so much going for every penny! Courts are a bit more sensible than that and would not grant you everything. They don't want children living in luxury while one of their parents is sleeping in a box. No, it's just start high, knowing you won't get the lot. Just getting what you can for your children. Especially if he's a bit flaky and forgets to pay for things or gets himself in debt easily etc.

How are you holding up otherwise. You're being very efficient and getting things done, which is great. How are the children?

Not so great really. He text me this afternoon to ask me to rethink going for a divorce so soon and to just try to see how we both felt after some time apart. I'm torn between upset and angry. I have a babysitter coming round in 30 mins so I can go out with some friends but now I just want to stay in and curl up tight. I'll go but :( I text him back but haven't had a response. This is what I said:

I don't understand what you think we'll achieve by having time apart. We seem to gave completely different ideas of what our marriage should look like. How can I be married to you when you have broken your promises so many times about concealing debts from me? When you decide to go off on dating sites? When you won't even do basic household chores? I feel completely isolated and belittled by your expectations of me, which I find demeaning and disrespectful. You have failed again and again to show me the loyalty I need and you totally ignore the needs of me and the children in all the most basic day to day ways. I don't see why time apart would make any difference.

I was really shaken when I wrote it.

Forgot the children They're ok, really taking it in their stride. DD (2yo) asks where he is sometimes but I just explain that he lives in a different house now and she accepts that.

That's an excellent text! Comes across very calm and collected, matter of fact and truthful. I'm not surprised he didn't reply; it would take a while for even the most skilled dissembler to get together a come back to that.

Glad the children are OK. It's all very much easier when they're so little, and the change becomes normality very quickly.

In order to prevent him disconcerting you like that again, you could get a new sim - don't give him the number - and only put the old sim in the phone once a week or so, when you're ready and feeling strong. Ask your prvider if you can transfer your contract to a new number and put the old on payg. If you tell them why, I have heard they can be very helpful.