DH has left again

[AndHarry]

Third time in as many years. He sat me down last night and said he was unhappy and thought we should separate. I asked him what he was unhappy about and what I needed to change. It was difficult to pin him down to anything but then it came out: he wants me to do things for him like sew buttons back onto his shirts and fix his trousers when there's a hole in the pocket or the hem has dropped. That's it. He wants to put me through all this again because of a few buttons. It's so incredibly pathetic I would laugh if I wasn't crying.

What it actually boils down to is that he wants to feel respected as the manly head of the household, even if he hasn't put it like that. As I told him last night, it's difficult to respect him when I feel like his mother: organising everything, picking up after him, reminding him of essential things that need doing for the kids, coming into the kitchen many days to find it full of dirty crockery from the day(s) before (I cook, he washes up), struggle to tidy up because the bins are overflowing (his job) and have to cajole him into coming out with the kids instead of sticking on a DVD and lying on the sofa all weekend. I have tried and tried in as many ways as I could think of to make things easy for him and do things for him but get ground down by the sheer laziness of his response. The more I do, the less he bothers.

I said I would do everything around the house if that would stop the arguments and resentment, just to be stonewalled with 'it won't work'. I asked him to try doing the household chores he had agreed to do, consistently, and got 'it won't work'.

I pointed out that I had supported him in going to the gym every morning before work and going out with his friends several nights a week so that he gets his own time. Apparently 'it's not that'.

I said how hurt I was that he had complained about what I cooked so I only made the things he said he wanted but he still orders pizza for himself. How hurt I am that when I did as he asked and made his lunches he didn't eat them, preferring to get fast food instead. 'Shrug'.

The fact is that he has a pretty cushy life but, as he repeatedly points out, he is the 'breadwinner' while I only work because I want to, so anything wrong around the house is immediately my fault for not being wifely enough.

I ended up screaming into my pillow with sheer frustration. He didn't come to bed and this morning he wasn't in the house and his car has gone.

Another fall to the tax office to sort out tax credits tomorrow. Another time trying to keep myself together for the kids, dealing with their anxieties over their dad being gone, pretending that he's in meetings or at the gym every evening. Dealing with my parents' disappointment again.

I'm sorry this is an essay. I don't want anything, just needed to get it out.

Wow. Well that would certainly explain his behaviour, especially suddenly turning cold on you when you first separated. That was designed to reel you in when yo were at your most desperate, I'm sure.

Is the girlfriend safe now? Does she need to call the police? It sounds like he is more than 'just' a predator if she was so scared of him today?

She's safe. He wasn't physically abusive to her but very emotionally abusive. She was most scared of him coming to her home and making her feel bad about her decision. He can't get into her house now. I didn't manage to convince her to block his number as he was sending a stream of texts and calling but she has determined not to answer.

It certainly explains his behaviour towards me. He was grooming me. It's sickening. He doesn't know I was there today and when I saw him this evening it was as though nothing had happened, when only a few hours before I had been with a grown woman who was too afraid to move for fear that he would hear her and know she was at home. Awful.

Why did you see him later? I assume you're planning to cut ties with him.

It was at a church thing. I will be extracting myself as discreetly as possible. It won't be hard TBH.

Argggggghhhh! The stupid idiot has decided to pay me less than half of what he owes in child maintenance He also asked me - in a text message - to buy him out of the house. I called him to discuss, perfectly civilly, and he called me grabby, said he would get a low-paid job so he wouldn't have to pay me anything at all and then hung up on me. I knew he was selfish and irresponsible but really?!

I'm struggling today. H is insisting on me buying him out of the house and wants progress updates He called me at work to follow up. He called me while I was at the zoo with the DC at weekend to argue his point again about only paying half the maintenance. He wants to know what I've done about inviting people to DD's birthday party. He wants me to go to his house on Sunday for her birthday tea. He let himself into the house last week 'to cut the grass'.

Is it wrong to wish that he would buzz off to Australia or something and never bother me again? It would be awful for the DC but I just want him to go away.

He's only paying HALF the maintenance & wants YOU to buy HIM out of the house!
I thought that one option was for him to not pay maintenance and sign the house over to you? Suddenly you're not getting the maintenance due and buying the house.
He can demand & stamp his little foot all he likes, but what he decrees doesn't have to happen.
Could he sell that Breitling watch & claim back the hire cost of that Ferrari, so that his children can be clothed, fed & housed!

Why are you talking to him about financials?

"Speak to my solicitor"

I think he's actually expecting your parents to buy him out of the house? And no doubt assumes this can happen instantly (and has probably promised his creditors as much).

Where are you with solicitors now? Rabbit is right, that is the only possible response to his bullying.

Remember upthread where you said A downward spiral exactly describes how I feel after an encounter with H. A text, call or face-to-face contact with him either leaves me feeling angry or like I want to curl up in a ball in the corner. I just want to have civil, necessary contact and be able to walk away from it feeling indifferent.

That's why he's constantly badgering you on the phone. Because it wears you down and breaks your will.

Why does he still have access to the house? This is why you need to be moving things along legally. At least the grass won't need cutting again this year so he will have to think of another excuse, but you need to set your boundaries. Birthday tea for dd is a difficult one, it's sounds as if you're having a party and then he's having a tea at his? Why do you need to be at the latter? WTF does the former have to do with him? (Although I assume he is attending).

I think I need a new solicitor for the financial settlement. This is so ridiculous. We could spend more on legal fees that either of us has in savings or equity :(

This weekend is his weekend with the DC so he's organised the party on Saturday and DD's birthday tea on Sunday (her actual birthday). Effectively, I'm the guest.

I can't change the locks because it's his house too. I've told him not to do that again.

Yes - because it's not possible to dissolve a legally binding relationship amicably when one party is determined to be difficult. You want to be reasonable and he doesn't - never has. You're also not the best judge of what 'reasonable' is after years of being beaten down mentally by him. You need legal advice and a buffer between you and him. No good can come of you continuing to deal with him directly.

If he's organising the party, why are you inviting the guests?

I'm aware that you can't change the locks whilst he still owns the house - which is why you need to be making appropriate moves to remove him from ownership. Which is not likely to include buying him out of the house.

He asked me to do the invitations because he doesn't know her friends from baby & toddler groups: my circle of mum friends.

I'm going to give a local family law soliticitor a call at lunchtime.

And how will he ever get to grips with this stuff once you're divorced? I think by all means provide him with a contact list but if he's insistent that he's hosting the party because it's his contact weekend then it means just that. He'd hardly be helping you out if it were your contact weekend, would he?

I know everything seems like an uphill struggle at the moment but he is manipulating your desire to keep the peace and be helpful rather than establish your boundaries. It also provides opportunities for him to keep this debilitating level of contact going.

Well, he's going to have to manage. I'm done with bending over backwards to accommodate his every request, I just need to get better at spotting it before it happens :)

We've just had a lovely exchange of emails. I sent him a financial disclosure form to complete so I can take it to my new solicitor to arrange a clean break and he kicked off about me screwing him out of his money, ending his side of the exchange with a rant about how I'm making him struggle I think I've put together a good answer, which I've sent, and won't engage further.

This is the final bit.

Him:

Hi AndHarry,

I guess knowing you and your argument structure I knew you would mention the child benefit yet again and knowing you you just won't let that go. So here's a different tack, maybe if you paid your half of the mortgage then we wouldn't have this problem.

So cut the ball and realise that I sent you a text message to let you know I could pay more maintenance, however in the same text I clearly said I needed to let you know when this would begin as I needed to work out my budget. If you don't have this text message I can send it to you again. It is your issue if you assumed from that message that these payments would be instant as I clearly said they wouldn't be which I thought was a reasonable thing to say in light of me starting a new job and still finding my feet in a new apartment. Having to pay all bills etc with benefits or additional income coming in except this salary.

By me notifying you I can pay more was putting myself under more pressure for the future but I am fine with this as it goes to my children who will always come first and it was the right thing to have done. I didn't say to you I would let you know when this would begin so I could pocket the money for a few months, it was so I can get my affairs in order so I could ensure the mortgage and my commitments are paid and I do my part to support the children. Many men in the same position wouldn't do what I am doing and many women find themselves having to struggle to survive as the father of their children disappear or don't want anything to do with them, so you are lucky in this sense that I am not like this.

With light of you not paying your half of the mortgage and not letting me know, but rather transferring £1.17 into my account has meant that now I need to find money to pay the full mortgage which is extremely difficult at the moment.

By me struggling it has a knock on effect on the children and even you, so I don't know why you are pursuing this route and this tactic. But then again, maybe you think you can stand on your own 2 feet without me and you can make it hard for me, this may be true with all the benefits you are entitled to having and by you now working full time with flexible working hours, due to having the children, but it is wrong to make me suffer as all I ever did was try my hardest to support you and the children. I have my faults, but no matter what I have done to you or you think I have done to you, 2 wrongs don't make a right so we should stop this road we are going down because only solicitors will benefit, not you or the children.

I'm glad you want to move on with a clean break without a potential of claims in the future, in the process of this don't do anything that will make it even more difficult in the future for either of us as we still need to communicate for the children's sake.

and my reply:

Hi STBexH,

Clearly neither of us appreciates the other's logic, however your responsibility is to pay child maintenance at the statutory amount. Presumably you knew your salary and outgoings when you started the new job at the beginning of September and in not pursuing you for a new amount until October and discussing the amount with you in advance I believe I have acted fairly and reasonably. You may also have noticed that we haven't discussed the subject of the additional amount due based on your earnings from commission.

I acknowledge the receipt of your text message at 12:46 on 15th October confirming the new amount of £xxx.xx and saying that you needed to work out your budget and then confirm when it would start. Please also acknowledge our exchange of texts on the 30th September, where I proposed an amount of £xxx a month based on your basic of £xxxxx per annum and gave you a direct link to the freely available government-provided child maintenance calculator.

In transferring the difference in the amount due to me and my contribution to the mortgage payment, I believe I have discharged my responsibility and we can now start again in November on a clean slate, with no arrears owing between us.

I'm not particularly interested in what 'other men' do but I do expect you to pay the due amount of child maintenance on the agreed date. Your failure to plan your outgoings appropriately is thankfully no longer my responsibility or my problem. As said on Saturday, either you can pay the amount due in an informal arrangement or either one of us can seek for a fair decision to be made by the appropriate government agency. If the correct amount is not paid on 15th November or another date agreed by both of us then I will pursue this route. I'm reluctant to do so, both for the sake of good relations and because they will take 4% of the value from me and an additional 20% from you, which could otherwise be used for the children as intended.

I have sent you my financial disclosure as an act of good faith and to put us on a more equal footing in terms of knowledge of basic annual income. I do not expect you to use this information as a basis for withholding child maintenance.

I hope that makes my position clear.

AndHarry

God his email is depressing. Mind you, from the guy who made you walk around with holes in your shoes in mid-winter I suppose we should expect nothing more.

I don't think there's anything wrong with your reply except it dignifies his with a response. I would have just responded that the financial disclosure form is required for divorce proceedings and left it at that. Perhaps you can send that after his reply to your reply (which you know will be coming shortly).

Did you send him the £1.17 with any explanation or wait for him to discover it? I wouldn't play any games with him, it's just something else for him to accuse you of.

Love the fact you're meant to be grateful he hasn't just disappeared without paying anything. I suspect this is so that when he does, you will know it is 'your fault' for being so unreasonable.

I hope he is putting that watch on his form E

No, I'm afraid it was a bit of a last-minute decision Could have done better there.

This is the second time he's said I should be grateful for him not disappearing off the face of the earth I'd be more grateful if he stopped messing me around.

And if he doesn't put the watch on there, it's a good job I know about it.

The problem with not replying at all is that he takes that as an agreement with what he's said. He did that all the time in our marriage: said 'we discussed this' when what actually happened was that he told me what he wanted to do.

Agreed but I think you need to be explicit - refer it to solicitor or say "I won't be entering into further correspondence on this" so it is clear that you consider the subject closed. That won't stop him from raising everything again repeatedly I am sure, but somehow you have to prevent every conversation from dragging out for as long as he wants it to.

The problem was always that you were insufficiently grateful, if you recall where this thread started. You were insufficiently grateful for all he did in providing for you, although by 'providing' I actually mean repeatedly running up thousands of pounds worth of debt and lying about it, and online dating.

If you are the company secretary and you don't have any documents relating to this then you REALLY need legal advice . I suspect there's a lot going on that you know nothing about , but you may well be liable for .

The thread's been going for a few months, K1mberly so I'm hoping Harry has severed ties with the business. That said presumably she still has liabilities in the current financial year.

I see, that's good . Im assuming her lawyer will have advised on resigning as a company director and making sure this is registered at companies house , getting her share out of the business , checking that all the debt and liabilities occurred after she resigned etc .

It's easy to assume that if you haven't seen the papers, you don't have anything to do with it. Whereas directors of companies have many legal duties and ignorance of these is not a defence under the law

I've just double-checked Companies House and while I'm listed as having resigned as a director, H put my home address as the company's registered address Only he hasn't even done that right, he's got the door number wrong It was only for a period of a month over September and he's now changed it to his own address, but really?! What is wrong with this man?!