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Original poster

How to convince DP I should be a SAHM?

123 replies

Siennasun · 13/05/2015 22:31

I have 1 child aged 2. I have a very stressful job in the NHS which is not especially well paid. I was full time but now 4 days a week following some time off sick with stress.
DH has a well paid job, not sure exactly what his salary is but think he earns around 3 times more than me. We don't have lots of spare cash at least I dont but we don't budget and we fritter/waste lots of money.
I hate my job. Even with the reduced hours, I am miserable and feel like I am wasting my life and time I should be spending with DS doing a job I despise. I don't want to have a second child so I really want to enjoy this time before he starts school.
I'm looking for a new job. Just before I went off work with stress, I talked to DH about quitting my job, even if I haven't found a new one. He went ballistic, saying how we can't survive without my income. He resents the fact he works long hours and is already subsidising me.
We could definitely survive on his income but we'd have to rein in our lifestyles a bit. In some ways it'd be easier as being in time for nursery drop offs/pick ups is challenging and we rely heavily on family for childcare at the moment.
I really want to quit my job and have a few months off to enjoy DS and try to get back to being myself. I have tried to talk to DH about this so many times but it always ends in a blazing row.
Has anyone else been in this situation? What did you do? Am I being completely selfish and unreasonable as DH thinks?

OP posts:

Viviennemary · 14/05/2015 00:10

I think you have your answer in the last thing you said. In your position think very seriously about calling it a day. Sounds as if you've got a poor deal in this relationship and aren't happy. Why should you spend your life in this miserable way. Get the counselling and don't tell him. (I wouldn't anyway) You should be able to arrange something through work.

Original poster

Siennasun · 14/05/2015 00:24

How would you feel if your DH wanted to go part time so he could spend more time with your DD? Works both ways, that's equality

he asked me that once. I said we would have to try to work out a way to make it possible. If he said to me that he was sick with stress and his job was making every day miserable, I'd tell him to quit, because no job is worth that. I thought he'd say the same to me, but he didn't, he just thinks I should get over it.
The fact is that he doesn't want to work less. I do. We can afford for me not to work at all.

Yes everything is jointly held, but I think I'd still be worse off if we separated. Plus I don't know what would happen with custody. He might try to go for full custody.

I'm on a fixed term contract, which runs another 18 months, but will probably be renewed if I wanted it to be. But I doubt they'd grant a career break, unfortunately, or I would definitely do that.

OP posts:

AnImpalaCalledBABY · 14/05/2015 00:29

It sounds like there is a lot going on within your relationship that needs to be sorted out, not least the fact that it's not ok for him to keep you in the dark about his income/outgoings. It does sound like he is being unfair

But that being said I think one partner not working can only really be done with the agreement of both of you (unless you're ending the relationship). I know you've said your DH earns more than you but would you be happy to pick up the slack if he decided to be a sahd or drastically reduced his hours?

Some people choose to be a sahp and some do it as a last resort but I think it would be incredibly unfair to decide to become one with no input from the person who would be responsible for financially supporting them

NameChange30 · 14/05/2015 00:32

"he just thinks I should get over it."

Charming. I hope if he ever suffers from stress, anxiety or depression, someone will tell him to "get over it". He'll find out how useless and cruel that it.

I find it hard to see why he would get custody if he works such long hours. He'd have to pay a nanny. What judge would send a toddler to a nanny instead of being looked after by its own mother? Or would "D"H give up his beloved well-paid job to look after his child?!

Noneedtoworryatall · 14/05/2015 00:33

I wouldn't flame you anotheremma. You are simply pointing out the alternatives.

NameChange30 · 14/05/2015 00:37

Thanks noneed
phew

Coyoacan · 14/05/2015 04:27

It sounds like there are a lot more problems in your marriage than just this. But if you just cannot stop working do think of changing your job, even if you earn less. It is horrible to work at something you don't enjoy.

Jackieharris · 14/05/2015 06:02

Lots going on here!

It sounds like you and do and fundamentally incompatible when it comes to work and work life balance.

All these issues seem to be getting confused. Eg the you hating your job and you wanting to be a sahm. If you liked your job would you want to sahm? If you didn't have ds would you still want to quit and be a housewife?

If your job is making you so miserable then there is nothing wrong with you wanting to leave it. But I'd separate that from your wanting to be a sahm. Esp with your dos attitude to finances this would be a very dangerous position for you to put you and ds in long term. I'd try to concentrate on finding another job, even just something to keep you ticking over.

Then deal with the relationship issues. There are red flags there. Why is dp so controlling over money? Is he controlling in other ways too? How does he treat you generally?

itwillgetbettersoon · 14/05/2015 06:50

I think you need to understand your financial situation more then you can make an informed decision. Do a spreadsheet of all your income and outgoings. Then you will see how much income is left which you should be splitting equally. However I think your marriage has more issues than just financial.

tobysmum77 · 14/05/2015 07:00

I think there are several separate issues here:

You hating your job, and it making you ill (not workable).
Being a sahm, you see my dh wouldn't want that, he sees financial and childcare responsibilities as shared and wishes to share them.... fair enough imo.
That he is keeping you short of money while frittering and not managing it, financial responsibility includes jointly planning incoming and outgoing money. Manage money properly and you have more is the reality.
That he ranks worth by earnings. No comment to that, but not a nice attitude.

Eltonjohnsflorist · 14/05/2015 07:00

Actually of go against the grain here. It's easy for you to say you'd encourage him to quit and get happy but you don't/can't pay the bills so how would you live?

I don't think you as a couple can afford for you not to work. You don't seem to know much about finances and it seems he takes care of it all. You can't just decide you don't want to work, stop contributing financially and then get stroppy and label him financially abusive if he says no!

Can you imagine if it were man doing this?

confusedNC · 14/05/2015 07:05

I totally understand how you feel but to be a sahm with a husband who doesn't respect that set up, doesn't share money and has anger issues is not going to rid you of stress. You'll swap one for another.

Saying that, no job is worth being ill for either. You should carry on thinking about a job you'd enjoy. I'd be very reluctant to give up any chance of financial independence though.

Counselling could be useful for you to work out how to move forward.

Orangeanddemons · 14/05/2015 07:08

I'm going to go against the grain too. My job made me sick with stress, and I wanted to leave too. I was off work for 6 months. Unfortunately we just couldn't afford it, so I had to deal with it. I would love to be a sham, but I just don't have the option

Strictly1 · 14/05/2015 07:14

I agree with eltonjohn. I wonder what your DH's point of view would look like. You said that you have already retrained once, which is great, but suggests you change your mind etc. his frittering of money is paying for meals out for you all not spending it solely on himself. He does all of the bills, so knows what needs to be coming in etc. there are lots of people who I'm sure would like to not work. I think you need to take action because you're unhappy, but I don't agree that putting it all into your husband is fair. If this was the man wanting to give up work and to rely on the wife to meet bills without a mutual agreement I think responses would be very different. I don't wish to sound harsh, you're unhappy and something needs to change, I just think you need to think of alternative options rather than push for your choice as if it's the only one. I'm on my phone please excuse typos

Redlocks28 · 14/05/2015 07:21

If it was your dp who hated his job and wanted to quit, what would you say?

Littlemonstersrule · 14/05/2015 07:21

I'd support DH in a change of career to something easy and no stress but I wouldn't let him simply quit and make me the only earner.

To fully rely on another adult they need to be onboard fully. If not, then it can't happen without major problems.

Kampeki · 14/05/2015 07:27

If your DH wanted to quit, would he really have that option? Or would he have to just keep going, because somebody has to pay the bills?

If you're sick because of the stress, then perhaps you need to be signed off work by your GP? If you're just fed up and want to quit, then I don't think it's fair to just expect him to suck it up.

How about looking for a new job, instead? Have you got transferable skills?

Fairylea · 14/05/2015 07:34

If he is so money minded and has such little value for the job of looking after a child I highly doubt he would even consider going for custody if you were to split!

(Not saying you should necessarily just in response to you saying he might go for custody if you did).

Nixen · 14/05/2015 07:36

You don't need a new job. You need a new husband.

CatMilkMan · 14/05/2015 07:37

You want to put 100% of the earning responsibility and pressure on to a man you are thinking about leaving?
It's not good that you are unhappy in your job and you should change it but I completely understand your DH not being happy about it.

MrsKCastle · 14/05/2015 07:38

I'm in a similar situation to you, OP. In a very stressful job which is making me ill. I recently had 3 months off with stress/depression. Things have been a little bit better since I returned, but it's still making me unhappy.

So I have quit and am now working out my notice- with my DH's full encouragement. In fact, a few times I have said to him, "Am I doing the right thing?" His reply is "Yes, absolutely- you can't stay there."

The difference from your situation is that I don't want/intend to be a sahm, I am actively looking for another job. But DH and I both fully accept that 1) there may be a period when I'm put of work 2) I may end up on a substantially lower salary.

OP, does your DH realise just how tough you're finding it at the moment? Has he been supportive? I think you need to have an open, honest talk about how you both feel. He has a right to express his concerns, but you need to come up with a solution you are both happy with.

petalsandstars · 14/05/2015 07:41

Get a new job easy to say then a new husband /single life for a bit.

fiveacres · 14/05/2015 07:41

It's unfair to ask the OP questions and then say, when she answers them 'oh, but if you actually WERE in that position, you would not.' She answered; accept that.

FWIW OP, I believe you.

What would his reaction be if you said you wanted to have an overhaul of the finances, looking at exactly what was coming in each month and what was going out?

I wonder, reading this, if this could be presented to him wrongly, as in 'I am stressed and want to hide away for a bit!' vs 'I feel being at home for a while would really benefit me and our son and our family as a whole'.

But I think for you now you MUST get joint 'custody' of the money as it were.

Eltonjohnsflorist · 14/05/2015 07:51

It's not unfair- I don't believe OP would be able to support her H quitting and being a sahd. But I didn't ask her about it either- you're indicating it was some sort of trap for her. Someone else asked, I responses that the answer seemed unrealistic

Variousrandomthings · 14/05/2015 07:55

I think its weird that he values cash to fritter, having DC cared for in a nursery and maximising her income as opposed to her mental health and having quality child time with the child.

It's really weird there's no flexibility and care.

Is there any way you could drop your job to 2 or 3 days as a compromise, then look for full time work once he's at school. Your DC will be entitled to 15 free hours once he hits 3 and it would be nice to have some nursery contact.

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