How to convince DP I should be a SAHM?

[Siennasun]

I have 1 child aged 2. I have a very stressful job in the NHS which is not especially well paid. I was full time but now 4 days a week following some time off sick with stress.
DH has a well paid job, not sure exactly what his salary is but think he earns around 3 times more than me. We don't have lots of spare cash at least I dont but we don't budget and we fritter/waste lots of money.
I hate my job. Even with the reduced hours, I am miserable and feel like I am wasting my life and time I should be spending with DS doing a job I despise. I don't want to have a second child so I really want to enjoy this time before he starts school.
I'm looking for a new job. Just before I went off work with stress, I talked to DH about quitting my job, even if I haven't found a new one. He went ballistic, saying how we can't survive without my income. He resents the fact he works long hours and is already subsidising me.
We could definitely survive on his income but we'd have to rein in our lifestyles a bit. In some ways it'd be easier as being in time for nursery drop offs/pick ups is challenging and we rely heavily on family for childcare at the moment.
I really want to quit my job and have a few months off to enjoy DS and try to get back to being myself. I have tried to talk to DH about this so many times but it always ends in a blazing row.
Has anyone else been in this situation? What did you do? Am I being completely selfish and unreasonable as DH thinks?

[Laladeepsouth]

Agree. There is nothing wrong with the OP wanting to be a SAHM. Regardless of what is being espoused as the latest in "equality," it's anti-woman to insist that women must be employed outside of the home or producing income at all time. As long as women get pregnant and bear children and as long as children can't raise themselves, it's insane to pretend that these factors don't exist or have no meaning in the real world. This attitude is actually causing so many women to be taken advantage of with increasing frequency and intensity in relationships, not the reverse. Aren't we now allowing and encouraging each individual man to feel that HE is being taken advantage of when and if changes occur in family dynamics? Aren't we encouraging men to feel that that they should not have to plan for or adjust to having children or any other life changes (illness, etc,)? What about, as so many have stated above, the desires of the woman and the child? Are we now allowing men and the propaganda of extreme feminism to make all the decisions?

[Twinklestein]

Seriously?

[Oly4]

Ah, we're just not going to agree on this and it isn't helping the OP so I'll bow out. But your argument doesn't make sense Twinkle. By your reckoning, the OP should carry on working just in case her husband gets hit by a bus

[Twinklestein]

Oly4: that was rather my point about your post.

There's nothing wrong with the OP wanting to be a SAHM, whether she likes her job or not. There are huge benefits for children with a parent at home. Why should the husband's wants trump everyone else's?

[Twinklestein]

So working while your partner stays at home to look after a child is now the equivalent to major trauma. Ok.

If you're on an average salary it's not a big deal.

[Eltonjohnsflorist]

Twinklestein if your partner went under a bus you'd cope. You don't live your whole life as though that has happened

[paxtecum]

Oly: sharing the economic load? They are comfortably off. You know we could all work 16 hours a day to earn loads more money, some people send their DCs to boarding schools or have live in nannies so they can work and work.

But life needs a balance. I know two women who are in the throes of a breakdown because they work full time in very stressful NHS jobs, run a house and look after elderly parents. At the moment they are no use to anyone and are very unhappy.

[Oly4]

What a load of absolute rubbish

[Twinklestein]

If her husband just wanted someone to share the 'economic load' then he could have chosen not to have kids. They could both work FT, no problem.

If you cannot cope with being the breadwinner and looking after your kid/s if it came to it, then don't have them, because there is no guarantee that your partner won't get run over by a bus.

Nor is there's no guarantee that the baby won't be disabled and one partner has to give up work completely.

Assuming they could cope financially on one salary in the short term I do not see why the husband's desires should trump the child's needs.

[Oly4]

Sorry OP, didn't see your bit about him not keeping you in the dark about finances. Hopefully
You can work it out

[Oly4]

I don't think there's anything 'yawn' about it. Sexual stereotypes still very much persist. I am sure there are hundreds of thousands of men who would much prefer to be at home with their kids. There is nothing wrong with the OP's husband wanting her to carry on working and share the economic load. What he should be doing is supporting her in finding a job she enjoys more, and telling her how much he bloody earns, and sharing bank accounts. He is being an arse about all those things

[Siennasun]

I don't think this is about working vs SAHMs. Surely the best thing for any family is for everyone to be healthy and happy??

It's not about gender either. If our positions were reversed, I earned loads more, didn't want to work less hours, etc and DH was doing my job I would have told him to quit ages ago.

Tbf to DH though, he doesn't purposefully keep me in the dark about how much money he has.
Like I said I know roughly how much he earns but not the exact amount because we have separate bank accounts. I going to find out exactly what he earns so that I can work out a budget.

[Coyoacan]

I seems to really get some people's backs up to even suggest that it might be nice for children to be looked after by their parents.

We are not in a position to be SAHPs and some of us are not ideal for that kind of work. I include myself, but for example, my mother was a reluctant SAHM in the fifties with my sister and just sat around depressed all day, she was a working mother during my childhood and I would have liked her more at home but her mental health was much better working (and there was food on the table).

But I remember I would have liked her at home. Do we have to pretend that that is not the case nowadays?

[Dragongirl10]

It seems the only thing holding you back is guilt for not earning.

Your only child is only young for a very short time, as a family you can afford to not work for a period of time, you want to be with your child.

Let go of the guilt once and for all, be a great mum to your child and value that in itself, when you are old and look back on that precious time you will be so glad, but most importantly your child will have all the benefits of his mum being there.

I suspect all your stress problems will disappear once you are doing what you really want to, only then can you work on your marriage.

Good luck!

[NameChange30]

"If a man had written this post..."
YAWN. How many times have we heard that before.

1. Most people have advised the OP to get another job instead of being financially dependent on her husband, and only to stop work if he agrees
   
2. If a man had written this post (which he wouldn't have, but that's another argument) the advice WOULD HAVE BEEN THE SAME.

[Oly4]

If a man had written this post, I'm sure many peope would respond saying he should stay in work. It's not a 'right' to give up work and stay at home with a child.
But there are massive red flags here, such as the fact you don't have joint bank accounts and you don't know how much he earns. Those to me are unacceptable

[Twinklestein]

I think you need to figure out the difference between words and interpretation.

[Whathaveilost]

I'm reading word that were on the screen in front of me.
They clearly are there!

[Twinklestein]

Here we go! Start using emotive guilt trip language, why don't you?

Seriously?

You're reading in something that is simply not there.

[hereandtherex]

Do a budget.

Demonstrate how much you can cut from the spending.

If you have 2 cars get shot of one.

[Whathaveilost]

Who wouldn't want their child to have a mother around when it's small?

Here we go! Start using emotive guilt trip language, why don't you?

[choli]

It should be about what's best for the child. Who wouldn't want their child to have a mother around when it's small?
No, it's about what is best for all three parties concerned.

[NameChange30]

Thanks for the update OP. Really glad to hear he has taken it seriously and agreed to support you in leaving your job and finding something less stressful. That's a really positive outcome.
Good luck with your job search!

[HaloKelly23]

I didn't read the comments - but don't give up your financial independence cause you're a bit stressed with having to work.
That's how you get yourself in situations like a previous poster moaning she hates her marriage but can't leave because she has no money!

[Siennasun]

I talked to DH last night - I told him about colleague who was badly bitten a few weeks ago and has been to OH for blood tests
I think that scared DH a bit and he is taking the awfulness of my job a bit more seriously. I'm going to stick it out for another 6 weeks and see if anything changes as a result of the meetings I've had with managers. After that I'm going to hand my notice in, even if I haven't found a new job by then. He's going to cover all the bills if/when I'm out of work. I'll look into locuming too. He's also accepted that I may need to take a pay cut in order to have a less stress - either by moving to a less demanding job or reducing the number of hours I'm working. I didn't mention having some time out of work to be a SAHM. I thought I should quit while I'm ahead
I feel so much more positive today, now there is an end in sight. I've just re-read through the thread and there is so much practical advice and support - I'm so glad I started this thread, I'm really hopeful things are going to get better now.