How to convince DP I should be a SAHM?

[Siennasun]

I have 1 child aged 2. I have a very stressful job in the NHS which is not especially well paid. I was full time but now 4 days a week following some time off sick with stress.
DH has a well paid job, not sure exactly what his salary is but think he earns around 3 times more than me. We don't have lots of spare cash at least I dont but we don't budget and we fritter/waste lots of money.
I hate my job. Even with the reduced hours, I am miserable and feel like I am wasting my life and time I should be spending with DS doing a job I despise. I don't want to have a second child so I really want to enjoy this time before he starts school.
I'm looking for a new job. Just before I went off work with stress, I talked to DH about quitting my job, even if I haven't found a new one. He went ballistic, saying how we can't survive without my income. He resents the fact he works long hours and is already subsidising me.
We could definitely survive on his income but we'd have to rein in our lifestyles a bit. In some ways it'd be easier as being in time for nursery drop offs/pick ups is challenging and we rely heavily on family for childcare at the moment.
I really want to quit my job and have a few months off to enjoy DS and try to get back to being myself. I have tried to talk to DH about this so many times but it always ends in a blazing row.
Has anyone else been in this situation? What did you do? Am I being completely selfish and unreasonable as DH thinks?

[Siennasun]

Only just had a chance to read replies as have been looking after my toddler, aka lazing around.

I've said all this before several times but I don't want to be SAHM for ever. In an ideal world I'd like around 6 months to be at home with DS before going back to work in a less stressful job. I can have up to 2 years out of work before my professional registration lapses so this would unlikely be a problem.

I do not want to retrain and even if I did it's definitely not an option.

Saltedpeanuts
I spend a lot of time feeling unsafe at work and due to cutbacks am often put in situations that leave me very vulnerable. That's not a feeling you can just turn off at the end of the working day. The days I'm off, I an still worried about what's going to happen the next time I go in to work, so your suggestion is impractical and I don't think you fully understand the implications of being very stressed at work.

Btw, I haven't actually mentioned anything to DH about being a SAHM as I know the reaction I will get. Our argument was about me wanting to give up work without first finding a new job. That's the point of this thread - to gage opinion on whether it is as selfish as I know he will think it is. I don't think it's at all selfish to want to leave a job that is affecting me so much. If we genuinely couldn't afford for me not to be in work, it would be different but we can.
I am actively job hunting and if something better comes a long I will obviously take it, anything to be out of current job, which is my priority at the moment.
Agree that the decision for 1 partner to intentionally give up work should be made by both partners, so I guess that will stay a dream

[Siennasun]

X post!
Thanks AnotherEmma and for all the other posters who have offered support and good advice.
I'm going to try and talk about this to DH again and make a concrete plan to get out of this job.

[Twinklestein]

It's really depressing that women on a mother's forum actually see staying home to look after a small child 'selfish'.

I will give them the benefit of the doubt that it may be jealousy that the OP could potentially afford to do that when they can't, but otherwise it's just internalised sexism.

If mothers don't understand the value of staying at home to look after a child, who the fuck will?

[NameChange30]

Sounds like a good idea - good luck and let us know how you get on. x

[TheUnwillingNarcheska]

Well said Twinkle it isn't valued by society as a whole. People seem very willing to pay for someone else to look after their child but when a Mother does it, somehow it is selfish and lazy.

I have been a SAHM for 11 years. It happened by accident when we relocated for Dh's much better paid job. It was the second time I had given up my "office" job and moved counties with him.

Everything was discussed in advance, he didn't spring that on me. But when we moved the last time I could have literally walked into the same job I had previously but we needed the house unpacked and to sort childcare for ds1.

After a couple of months which included Christmas we realised that my long standing medical condition had almost disappeared because I wasn't juggling work and childcare.

Ever since that day I haven't worked. Dh is incredibly happy with this arrangement. His happiness is the most important thing as he is the only wage earner. But equally my happiness is very important to him.

OP your "D"h is kicking off because you will touch his precious money. The fact that you only know roughly what he earns is telling.

I have full access to all monies, no limits on spending because we trust each other. We have been together nearly 19 years.

[Joysmum]

It's really depressing that women on a mother's forum actually see staying home to look after a small child 'selfish'

I see it as selfish when the other partner doesn't want this...and I say this as a SAHM. There needs to be full agreement.

Given the inequalities in the marriage as it has been described, I wonder if these inequalities could be sorted out in time to be a SAHM before the child goes to school or to give the OP the respite she wants from her current role.

[BasinHaircut]

But the OP doesn't want to be a SAHM Twinkle, she wants 6m off work. The spending time with her child is coming across very clearly as secondary to that IMO.

That isn't meant to be nasty BTW, it's just that it seems as if work was great, being a SAHM wouldn't have entered the equation.

I think that's what pp's meant by selfish. Although I don't actually think wanting or needing a career break is selfish, especially if it's a case of needing one for your mental health.

[girliefriend]

op I also work in the nhs so I totally get why you feel the way you do. I work 3 days a week and for my sanity and well being would not increase my hours.

I think your husband sounds awful tbh, totally lacking in empathy and support If you were to leave him I think you would be o.kay, I am a single parent and money is tight but manageable. You could at least reduce your hours to two or three days a week and between your earnings, child maintenance and tax credits you would manage.

[cestlavielife]

being in nhs talk to HR and try and work out a transfer or different hours or a unpaid sabbatical keeping your job open and options open.

have hard look at your marriage and the way your h treats you.

[DowntownFunk]

Can you go to managemnt/HR and tell them everything about your job making you stressed/depressed/feeling unsafe and worried something bad will happen? I'd get that on record just in case something does go wrong.

Tell them you need a transfer but until that happens support in your current role. Highlight all the risks, lay it on thick. Once they know about it, doing nothing is negligent.

Your DH and you need to talk seriously, too. PPs have given good advice so I won't repeat any.

Good luck.

[Siennasun]

Yes thetruth. That is a much better title. My original one really doesn't cover it, does it?

I can see why it looks like the being at home with my child part comes across as secondary but they are separate, but linked, issues. I loved being on mat leave, it was the best year of my life and was gutted to go back to work. I hated being out of work before DS so it's not just about not going to work. I also genuinely think it would be better for him to spend more time with me in the week.
Obviously I try not to show DS that I'm unhappy but he must pick up on stuff and he has seen his parents arguing which is bad for him. I'm not prepared to go back to ft hours before he starts school, which makes it harder to find a new job.
I feel so bad every morning leaving DS behind to go do something I hate. I ask myself why I'm doing it, and can't think of a good answer.

I have had several documented meetings with managers about the unacceptable level of risk in my job. So far nothing has come of it.

[tulipbulbs]

Can I flip the selfish comments. Is it not selfish of one partner in a relationship to insist that someone work in a hostile environment, without financial necessity and to the detriment of their child?

[BeyonceRiRiMadonna]

I think you need to re phrase this OP. "I am working in an unsafe situation with insufficient support from management and it's making me really stressed out and unhappy. I'm really worried about my personal safety. I feel I need to leave this job and take a little time out while searching for another one because I simply don't feel safe so I don't feel that I can wait til I find another role before quitting thus one. But my husband isn't supportive of this.

Sienna if this is a true reflection of what you meant to say after 4 pages, is your husband clear on your proposal?

[funchum8am]

Are you in a union? Continuing to press your current job on the issues with union and legal support behind you at least covers your back if anything does go wrong at work. I sympathise with your situation, it sounds very upsetting, both at work and with your DH's attitude. I'd check the possibility of a careers break from work and find out the exact financial situation you'd be in if you divorced. You can only make the best possible decision if armed with the full facts.

[Justusemyname]

He thinks you're with him for his money and your comment about how much you'd be worse off if you left backs that up.

You have bigger problems than him not supporting you taking a few months out .

[Yarp]

I guess he works in acompetetive business environment and is extending the competetiveness to you.

His lack of supprt is, frankly, depressing in itslef

[Siennasun]

I do need to join the union. It's a different Union to my last department and I keep meaning to get around to it and then forgetting. I think there's a time period after joining before they will support you?

I don't think he thinks I'm with him for his money but I see why this thread reads that way. He didn't earn that much when we started going out. And other reasons why it's unlikely that he thinks that.

he works in acompetetive business environment and is extending the competetiveness to you

That ^ is true.

[ratinkitchen]

why dont you take a week off work or go on holiday ?

Take time out

I would stay at work, look for another job, keep your financial independence

[NameChange30]

Have you had chance to talk to him yet OP? You mentioned earlier that you were planning to. x

[Smorgasboard]

You mention locum work? I think get out of current job ASAP while joining an agency as backup. Meanwhile look for another job/ career. There are lots if differences between NHS trusts and working conditions so locum work may lead to finding better conditions elsewhere. Also, have you told your DH that you actually fear for yours/ others safety at work - that is quite a big thing to say and needs addressing? You could pick your hours as a locum too - more child friendly ?

[Twinklestein]

I see it as selfish when the other partner doesn't want this

It should be about what's best for the child. Who wouldn't want their child to have a mother around when it's small?

There are two issues here: a horribly stressful job and a desire to look after her child.

Both are entirely understandable and she's not getting support for either from her husband.

To claim she simply wants 6 months off work is obnoxious and and a distortion of what the OP has said in this thread.

My sister was a high earning investment banker when she had her first child and she was intending to go straight back to work. After she had him she decided she couldn't leave him and is now a SAHM to 3 children. She'll go back to work when the youngest is in full time school. I think her husband enjoyed having the duel income and was surprised initially she was considering not going back, they took a massive income cut, but he came on board completely as he loved his kids and my sister. He has the benefit of a chilled wife who has time to make cupcakes.

[Siennasun]

I talked to DH last night - I told him about colleague who was badly bitten a few weeks ago and has been to OH for blood tests
I think that scared DH a bit and he is taking the awfulness of my job a bit more seriously. I'm going to stick it out for another 6 weeks and see if anything changes as a result of the meetings I've had with managers. After that I'm going to hand my notice in, even if I haven't found a new job by then. He's going to cover all the bills if/when I'm out of work. I'll look into locuming too. He's also accepted that I may need to take a pay cut in order to have a less stress - either by moving to a less demanding job or reducing the number of hours I'm working. I didn't mention having some time out of work to be a SAHM. I thought I should quit while I'm ahead
I feel so much more positive today, now there is an end in sight. I've just re-read through the thread and there is so much practical advice and support - I'm so glad I started this thread, I'm really hopeful things are going to get better now.

[HaloKelly23]

I didn't read the comments - but don't give up your financial independence cause you're a bit stressed with having to work.
That's how you get yourself in situations like a previous poster moaning she hates her marriage but can't leave because she has no money!