How to convince DP I should be a SAHM?

[Siennasun]

I have 1 child aged 2. I have a very stressful job in the NHS which is not especially well paid. I was full time but now 4 days a week following some time off sick with stress.
DH has a well paid job, not sure exactly what his salary is but think he earns around 3 times more than me. We don't have lots of spare cash at least I dont but we don't budget and we fritter/waste lots of money.
I hate my job. Even with the reduced hours, I am miserable and feel like I am wasting my life and time I should be spending with DS doing a job I despise. I don't want to have a second child so I really want to enjoy this time before he starts school.
I'm looking for a new job. Just before I went off work with stress, I talked to DH about quitting my job, even if I haven't found a new one. He went ballistic, saying how we can't survive without my income. He resents the fact he works long hours and is already subsidising me.
We could definitely survive on his income but we'd have to rein in our lifestyles a bit. In some ways it'd be easier as being in time for nursery drop offs/pick ups is challenging and we rely heavily on family for childcare at the moment.
I really want to quit my job and have a few months off to enjoy DS and try to get back to being myself. I have tried to talk to DH about this so many times but it always ends in a blazing row.
Has anyone else been in this situation? What did you do? Am I being completely selfish and unreasonable as DH thinks?

[Siennasun]

I have never labelled DH as financially abusive and I don't believe he is. He's not abusive at all. I wouldn't say that I am left short of money but he has a lot more spare cash than I do. We are both guilty of frittering money on things like shopping and eating out.
He doesn't pay all the bills, just a larger share than me about 70/30. It's true that I don't have a clear enough understanding of our finances, which is due to laziness on my part. The spread sheet with incomings and outgoings is a good idea. I will do that.
I worded the title of this thread badly. I'm not wanting to give up work permanently, more like a short career break, maybe 6 months. I want to spend more time with DS before he starts school and I can't continue in current role so think this would be a good time to have some time out. I know that we can afford it. And I could always get locum work in an emergency.
I do understand that I would be in a very privileged position to be able to give up work.
DH would never want to go part time but I have supported other career decisions he has made. When I was pregnant he took a job in another city involving him being away from home most of the week. I supported him because I wanted him to be happy at work. I now feel resentful that support isn't reciprocated.

[BasinHaircut]

OP am I getting this wrong or does your DH already pay all the bills? If that's right then what does your salary have to cover? What do you spend it on?

If your DH does pay all bills then in theory yes you could survive on only his salary for a while, because you already do.

BUT is there something you are not telling us in regards to your personal finances? Is this the very reason your DH believes you simply cannot afford to give up work?

Sorry, but this doesn't add up

[Variousrandomthings]

Maybe you both have to work backwards and show that you both can budget and that you both will be able to survive on a single salary temporarily.

[BasinHaircut]

Sorry x-post. A 70/30 split sounds reasonable if you earns much more than you

[Variousrandomthings]

Basin OP pays 30% of bills

[fiveacres]

It does add up

Her DH earns significantly more than she does and therefore pays significantly more of the bills.

Elton, I don't think you are trapping her. I do think however that when someone has asked a question of somebody and they have answered, it's unfair to then say 'you wouldn't.'

Sienna - best of luck with it all. You aren't being lazy, selfish or demanding. If your husband didn't want you to stop working briefly then the very least he can do is discuss it with you properly - not 'go ballistic.'

[Variousrandomthings]

X post

[fiveacres]

To put it another way, let's suppose the person you loved and cherished forsaking all other, blah blah, was so miserable it was making them ill- would you honestly have a 'blazing row' with them whenever they tried to talk to them about it?

It would be one thing if Sienna's DH had said 'well, look, I'm not sure it's a great idea because of XYZ and we are reliant on your income because of X and we also have to think about Y in the future.'

That would be different. But as it is, it sounds like 'I'm right, you're wrong. Respect my authoritaih!' (I hate South Park but someone whispered that in an especially pompous moment of my STBXH's and it did make me snigger.)

[Siennasun]

Lots of xposts! Thanks for all the support and advice. It really does help!
To pp who said I just want some time off, I work with a client group with very challenging behaviour. Due to cuts and lack of management I regularly feel unsafe at work - both physically and professionally ie I am being put in situations I shouldn't be in and worry about being held responsible if anyone is harmed.
If I find a new job I think I will still need a bit of time of to recover from the stress of current job.
MrsKCastle - well done for handing in your notice. I'm glad your partner is supportive. Hope you find a better job soon and enjoy your time off in mean time.

[Athrawes]

How would you feel if he said he wanted you to go back to work full time so that he could take a few months off and enjoy some quality time with his child?

[fiveacres]

Come on people - RTFT.

I can understand it when it's several pages long but when it is 3 pages

[Twinklestein]

I'm fully supportive of anyone who wants to be a SAHM if financially feasible. I think there are benefits to small children whose mothers are at home full time. And you're not even talking long term.

It wouldn't suit everyone, it wouldn't be financially viable for everyone, but if you're only having the one child then wanting to be around for the early years that will never come again is entirely understandable.

But, many men simply do not understand what it is that SAHMs do, and they don't understand the benefits for the child. Which is essentially a form of sexism.

[avantbard]

So he pays the majority of bills, has put years of graft into his career and clearly earns a decent amount, and people are piling onto him on here because he's not too happy that his partner wants to laze and graze on his dime for the rest of his days?

Ok, there's a kid. But she says she only wants one. What about when this kid is at school at 5 then? There's not much talk of a plan of returning to work that I can see.

So glad I'll never marry/have kids.

[Sickoffrozen]

I wouldn't do it unless your DH is 100% supportive. He sounds like he isn't even 10% supportive so you are currently miles apart in your thinking.

If you give up work on that basis you could very well end up splitting up and that is just as likely to be instigated by him as it is you. Unless that scenario doesn't bother you then I would try to approach this in another way. I assume you would make a lot of savings from a Nursery point of view etc if you are at home. could you actually work out how much worse off you would be if you did give up work?

He Might have the view that he is stressed and working long hours too and this will be added to if you are not working. Going for meals out etc may be his way of dealing with this stress and the thought of him working really long hours to then never go out and to shop at Aldi and Lidl may just not appeal.

I can see both sides of the argument here. Without compromise on both sides, I cannot see this one working out.

[Eltonjohnsflorist]

Unless you earn less than nursery costs how can there be any savings there?

[Twinklestein]

RTFT avantbard.

[GirlWithaPearlEarring]

O.P. If you're so miserable at work that you're being made depressed. Just stop working. Just do it. Sure your DH will be pissed, probably for a while, but he is already anyway, so nothing new. What's he going to do? Leave? I sincerely doubt it.

We have a duty to our partners but also to ourselves. I would not compromise my physical health when an alternative exists and neither should you. Depression is no joke.

I personally think SAHM's should be championed more. You only have one child and this time is precious and will not come again. You will never regret time spent with your one-and-only-child but will sure as hell feel massively resentful of each day wasted in an environment you hate, whilst time that could have been more productively spent with your child evaporates.

I believe that you can put extra effort in to show your DH the benefits of you being at home full-time: A more relaxed and happy-to-greet-him wife when he comes in through the door. Nicer home cooked meals, house tidy, bath run, relaxing ambience, better quality time spent on him, more sex etc. Although he may be pissed for a while, you could turn him around. You could also do some career skills courses in the meantime to show that you do intend to go back to work at some point and to maintain skills and CV.

Take a leap and go for it. You stand to become very unhappy by maintaining the status-quo and that is detrimental to the marriage anyway.

[Joysmum]

What do you bring to the relationship?

I wouldn't say that I am left short of money but he has a lot more spare cash than I do

In which case he doesn't value you equally. We've always had equal spending power because we don't accept the cause our employers put in U.S. as being representative of the values we bring to the relationship.

He brings in most of the money, he looks after the finances of the home. How do you contribute? What makes you equal in your relationship in his eyes?

[lemonstartree]

I think its quite selfish of both of you. Him because he doesn't see to understand that you are stressed and unhappy, and you because you are expecting him to take on the full financial responsibility when he clearly does not want to

compromise is the name of the game here - but unless you talk to one another sensibly I'm not sure how you can get there

[viva100]

As a pp said, you're both being unreasonable. You have 2 degrees and now want to retrain again. It sounds like you haven't put enough thought into your own career and finances and he's probably very frustrated with that attitude. Making someone carry all the financial responsibility when they don't want that so you can stay home is a bit selfish in my opinion. Not everyone agrees kids need a sahm so badly.
equally, he's being very unreasonable. A selfish arrogant controlling twat. I've been in that situation and my DP was very concerned about me (but I worked with him on how to get back on track).
You both need to compromise. He needs to accept you can't carry on like this but you need to show him a plan -what jobs you're going to apply for, how long it will take etc. Quitting a job with no idea what to do next is irresponsible when you have a child and selfish to say that your partner should just go without stuff.
It might just be you two are incompatible on this (very important) matter. Have you thought about counselling?

[Lavenderice]

There appears to be many more issues than just this one, but just on this I would say YABU. This needs to be a joint decision your decision to be a SAHP seems to be based on your issues with your job and not on a huge desire to be with your DC.

Also would becoming a SAHP affect your student loan payments?

[TheWildRumpyPumpus]

Deciding to be a SAHM is something that affects the whole family, in both negative and positive ways. I don't believe it's something that one side can unilaterally decide, over-riding the other person's wishes.

Much like having a second child or moving home - one party can't decide it's what they want to do and force it on the others in the family.

Putting all of the financial responsibility onto one person is a big strain. Your DH has obviously been supportive in the past of you taking time out and retraining, maybe he believes that your few months out will turn into a longer stretch while you 'get over the stress' of your current role.

[Saltedpeanuts]

I think you are being selfish. You already work 4 days, which is much better than 5 days. I would stay at work until I could find another job. If this will take a long time, try to agree with your DH that you reduce your work to 3 days. Mon, Wed and Fri, so you have a nice break between each working day. That way you continue to contribute, and you keep your career options open in case the marriage fails, and for when your DC goes to school, which is not that long.

[paxtecum]

OP: do you sort of childcare and run the house, ie organise shopping, cooking, washing, ironing, cleaning, tidying, gardening or does DH come home and do the cooking and washing up?

I'm 60 plus and keep reading that both parents have to work these days, just to keep a very modest roof over their heads and pay the bills.
It is just so impossible to eat even just on one wage, but clearly in this case it isn't.
Op is working appears to be working herself towards a nervous breakdown and why? Just so they can carry on eating out a lot, no doubt they have a couple of nice cars or at least one nice car that DH drives and keep up the rather nice standard of living.

It doesn't have to be that way.
There really is more to life than working a shitty, well paid job that is causing great anxiety.

Op: be careful how far you push yourself.

[NameChange30]

Some people need to RTFT and give the OP a break.

OP, you are NOT being selfish. You are perfectly entitled to discuss the options with your husband without him "going ballistic" and having a "blazing row" with you. If your job is damaging your mental health he should be supporting you to find alternatives, whether that's taking a short break or if that's not possible then finding another job. I also agree with a PP who said that if your mental health is suffering to the extent that you really need a break, maybe a GP would sign you off sick for a little while? Then you would at least get sick pay while you recover and think about your next step (probably a career move).

I also can't believe PPs who said the OP and her husband "can't afford" for her to be a SAHM for a while. You don't know what their income and outgoings are, so how can you say that? The only thing we can advise is that they look at the finances together and discuss it. But the "D"H doesn't seem to be open to that (although I do suggest you keep trying OP).

OK, rant over