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Original poster

Now he says he wants me and will change

91 replies

Reallywhynow · 09/05/2015 18:36

My ex / current boyfriend is 14 years older than me. I'm in my twenties.

When we first met it was pretty much love at first sight but due to various issues, maybe with age or difference perspectives we broke up after 7 months. We then got back together but then 3 months later he broke up with me.

Two months or so after that we got back together but we were apparently 'seeing' he asked me to live with him (because I needed somewhere to stay as my tenancy had expired) but we were not technically in a relationship. During the time we lived together we pretty much behaved like a couple and I tried to do my best as I wanted us to get back together. I eventually moved out as I found a new tenancy (this was always the agreement but deep down I'd hoped he'd ask me to stay). When I moved out we continued to see each other but he wouldn't commit, in fact at times, considering we have quite a few mutual friends, on social occasions he would sometimes speak to me as if he didn't know me or be very flippant with me. As if we had ever been together! He would take me out for dinner, and I'd be thinking 'oh great, this means he loves me' and he would be happy to have sex and compliment me but not get back together properly.

His attitude eventually wore me down and made me heartbroken so I went NC. Ignored his calls and even discovered that he'd then started dating someone else.
He kept calling so I eventually answered his phone calls and we met up (now another 3 months on). He told me that is very sorry and has broken up with the woman he was seeing and now wants us to get engaged and have a baby in a year or so. Would you go back?

OP posts:
tippytap · 09/05/2015 18:38

No

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 09/05/2015 18:38

No. He has shown you who he is. Listen to that. You deserve to be treated better.

AnyFucker · 09/05/2015 18:39

no

TheOriginalWinkly · 09/05/2015 18:40

No. No way. He's a pisstaker and he's used you.

I would be interested to hear from his recent ex whether she agrees that he finished it...

Betrayedbutsurvived · 09/05/2015 18:44

Nope, been there, he won't change. at best he only wants you now because he's tried looking elsewhere and it didn't work out, so he'll settle for you. Is that what you want?

something2say · 09/05/2015 18:53

I wouldn't go back no.

I'd get dressed up and go out and have a look at what else is out there, actually. I'd start going to more gigs and stuff. This is an old fart with commitment issues and he didn't like you enough to go steady with you. You can waste more time on it if you want, but the beginning often begets the end x

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 09/05/2015 18:56

No
The going hot and cold is a control tactic to keep you in a perpetual "pick me" dance.
Block him.

jonrotten · 09/05/2015 18:56

Bloody hell, no way.

I can guarantee if you do, in a couple of years he'll change his mind again and you'll be left with a baby.

ladymalfoy · 09/05/2015 18:59

No. Just no. I wasted four years on a twat like this. Off and on.
Ask your friends for an intervention .

Original poster
Reallywhynow · 09/05/2015 19:01

I was thinking that maybe this time he will change as I showed him what he's missing after my NC period. I do love him but at the same time I hate him too for the way he has behaved. I don't want to be left 'holding the baby' and I don't want to resent myself later down the line for not leaving when I could (now) as some of the things he has done have really badly damaged my self-esteem.

OP posts:
Original poster
Reallywhynow · 09/05/2015 19:02

Thank you for your responses Flowers .I'm really very broken apart by this.

OP posts:
TengoSueno · 09/05/2015 19:03

No.

Levismum · 09/05/2015 19:06

No.Flowers

quietasamouse · 09/05/2015 19:06

He talks about getting engaged but not about getting married? For this, and for so many other reasons, no. Flowers

pinkhalf · 09/05/2015 19:07

No. If you accept that, the only way is down.

scribblegirl · 09/05/2015 19:09

Oh lovely, I feel for you (I have been here!) but it reads like a case study in the book "he's just not that into you". Please read it if you haven't already!

TaintedAngel · 09/05/2015 19:16

I think your only seriously considering this because he has crushed your self esteem. I second Andthebandplayedon he is excersising controll over you. He can put a ring on your finger but it will mean less than nothing to him. that won't stop him from continuing his behaviour. And as for having kids just ask yourself if you would be happy for his behaviour towards you to be how your DD learns about relationships? Or for him to be a role model for a DS?

you are worth more than that and so are your hypothetical children. Thanks

AnyFucker · 09/05/2015 19:19

if you get pregnant by this man you will ruin your life

it is that serious

Ifyourawizardwhydouwearglasses · 09/05/2015 19:29

No no no no no no no no no no no no no no no.

No.

AlistairSim · 09/05/2015 19:32

Oh hell no.

You are deserving of SO much more.

angryangryyoungwoman · 09/05/2015 19:35

No. You deserve more.

Salemthecat · 09/05/2015 19:37

No! I've been in your shoes and done the "pick me" dance and there is nothing more soul destroying to your self esteem than that. Leave now before it really has a chance to destroy you.

Cut off contact and start seeing your friends; join clubs to make new ones; and just generally do things to take your mind off it.

He's a commitmentphobe and you deserve much better than that!

Meerka · 09/05/2015 19:38

No.

You might have loved him but you're his fallback option, just there to be shagged and put down. Again.

FenellaFellorick · 09/05/2015 19:41

Some people just really get off on knowing someone is desperate to be with them
so they toy with them.
Have you ever seen a cat playing with a mouse or a moth or something?

That's what these people do.

ThingummyJigg · 09/05/2015 19:45

A broken heart will mend. Love isn't enough, on its own - for a relationship to work there also has to be trust, respect, honesty, loyalty, support, friendship....has he given you much of any of those?

Broken self esteem will mend too, but it's a longer and more painful process. You cure a broken heart by being kind to yourself and treating yourself and telling yourself you've done the right thing and you deserve better and that you are ace and boy, was he an arsehole to let you go, and it's his loss. (all of which is true) Broken self esteem is a hard slog up hill, in comparison, you have to do all the above with a voice in your head telling you you're wrong.

He wants to keep you nearby for when he wants a shag or to mess with your head. He might be 14 years older than you, but he's not acting it.

It sounds like he's let you down and disappointed you several times - this is a pattern.

I think his latest girlfriend has dumped him and he knows you'll come running without him having to make too much effort. Has he come out with things he knows you want to hear? Does he know you well enough to pull all the right strings? Does he mean any of this bullshit ?

I think you should steer clear of this idiot and find someone more emotionally mature.