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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Now he says he wants me and will change

91 replies

Reallywhynow · 09/05/2015 18:36

My ex / current boyfriend is 14 years older than me. I'm in my twenties.

When we first met it was pretty much love at first sight but due to various issues, maybe with age or difference perspectives we broke up after 7 months. We then got back together but then 3 months later he broke up with me.

Two months or so after that we got back together but we were apparently 'seeing' he asked me to live with him (because I needed somewhere to stay as my tenancy had expired) but we were not technically in a relationship. During the time we lived together we pretty much behaved like a couple and I tried to do my best as I wanted us to get back together. I eventually moved out as I found a new tenancy (this was always the agreement but deep down I'd hoped he'd ask me to stay). When I moved out we continued to see each other but he wouldn't commit, in fact at times, considering we have quite a few mutual friends, on social occasions he would sometimes speak to me as if he didn't know me or be very flippant with me. As if we had ever been together! He would take me out for dinner, and I'd be thinking 'oh great, this means he loves me' and he would be happy to have sex and compliment me but not get back together properly.

His attitude eventually wore me down and made me heartbroken so I went NC. Ignored his calls and even discovered that he'd then started dating someone else.
He kept calling so I eventually answered his phone calls and we met up (now another 3 months on). He told me that is very sorry and has broken up with the woman he was seeing and now wants us to get engaged and have a baby in a year or so. Would you go back?

OP posts:

cleanmyhouse · 09/05/2015 22:30

Been there pal, I know exactly how it feels. It took me 3.5 years to realise that the only time he was the man i wanted him to be was when i couldn't take his disinterest and walked away. 3.5 years wasted. My self esteem was destroyed by the end of it. It took years for me to trust again. don't waste any more time on him, he's not worth it and you're worth more.

Cherryapple1 · 09/05/2015 22:35

promising you a future which will never materialise?

It is a definite no from me too. Find your self esteem and tell him to feck off. You deserve so much more than what he is offering. I wasted 16 years on a man like that. Don't make my mistake.

Original poster

Reallywhynow · 09/05/2015 22:42

to you all! I don't want to sound like a broken record but I kept / keep thinking that as he's so successful in life then he knows what he wants in life. He's quite the hot shot in his career and so I figured now he's just tuned that into our relationship. My self-esteem is already floored even if I don't want to accept that it is, the fact is it is.
I thought what with being so much younger than him that he'd never even hurt me. I made him promise very early on in our relationship (sorry to sound naive)... I suppose I just need to get it out. He is a bastard! As you say blar I should be thanking my lucky stars that I can walk away. I'm sorry but I did post thinking that someone would say "yes, give it a shot, you have nothing to lose."

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 09/05/2015 22:44

But OP, the world is FULL of successful people who haven't got a clue in their relationships. Why would you think that being good at a job equals being a great partner?

Put him behind you now. Have you got any ambitions, any dreams? Close your eyes and think of the life you'd love to lead. What would it contain?

godessofsmallthings · 09/05/2015 22:46

He's offering you 'the moon on a stick'? Accept his proposal, choose a rock with a hefty price tag (as he's unencumbered at 40 he should have amassed considerable savings will no doubt want to show the world how much he values his much younger bride-to-be), discuss which newspapers to announce your engagement in, and start planning the wedding - if the royal family can knock their nuptials out in 5 months from date of engagement you should be able to wear a marshmallow sometime in September

Follow the above instructions and you won't see him for dust, but if you play it right you may have an heirloom piece to hand down to the dd or gdd you will have through your future marriage to an emotionally mature man who knows the meaning of commitment and who will honour you for the rest of your days.

It goes without saying that any woman who conceives a child with this man prior to a wedding is as misguided as they are deluded and sadly, as has been reported here time and time again, the ring will be no guarantee that he won't leave her with the baby/babies.

If it's any consolation, men like him often end up c60 years old with mail order brides whose only interest in them is acquiring a UK passport.

Muddlewitch · 09/05/2015 22:52

Another vote for no here OP.

I too was with a man like this for years, am now a single mum of four. When I left he did the same as your twat ex and promised the world. Saying no and keeping on walking was the best decision I made, and nearly five years on my self esteem has nearly recovered and I thank my former self for leaving, but am also sad about all those years wasted.

You deserve better.

Didactylos · 09/05/2015 23:04

You thought someone might say "yes, give it a shot, you have nothing to lose."

sadly you have a lot to lose if you keep dancing to this losers tune and falling in with his plans for you, (when he deigns to want you) - such as your independence, self respect, autonomy, your likely ability to pursue your own goals, the chance at a real relationship with a partner who appreciates, loves and deserves you. This man is offering you the same emotional upheaval and turmoil as before, with the added bonus of potentially a legal tie of marriage and a dependant child/children the next time he decides its headfuckery time

please dont go there!

MyRightFoot · 09/05/2015 23:11

when you went nc, winning you back was a game for him. hes successful in work because he is great at a challenge. he sees you as a challenge to overcome, not as a person to love. he will offer you anything to win you back but he will lose interest again when he has you. i think you should hold out for someone closer in age. tell him this, saying you dont want your kids to have a middle age dad. honestly this way you feel about him you can feel for someone else, someone who deserves you.

GiddyOnZackHunt · 09/05/2015 23:28

You have your youth, your dignity, your self respect and your future to lose.

I'm another one who fell in love with a man who saw me as a convenient shag. I'd have waited like a fool for him. I'd have abased myself because I knew he was the one. I knew we'd be perfect together if he'd commit and I could relax.

I was very wrong and luckily he finally dumped me for good. I was devastated for a long time but after a false start I found peace and happiness. And DH and the DC

GiddyOnZackHunt · 09/05/2015 23:30

PS Most successful business people have to have an element of ruthlessness. Some can separate that from their personal life but lots can't.

EvilTendency1 · 09/05/2015 23:35

OP I would like to introduce two friends of mine that I feel might help you in this situation.

Friend A is called Piss and Friend B is called Off.

He has used you and treated you appallingly - I would continue with the NC and block his calls, he sees you as a challenge. There are other men out there that are kind and don't give you all the headfuckery this one has.

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 10/05/2015 07:31

Oh, OP, we're brave because braveness was thrust upon us, because life experience made us so.

I think every single one of us would like to scoop you up, give you a big cuddle and then just blip our experience into your brain, so you can gain it in the most painless way possible. But in the absence of thougt-transference technology or even IRL face-time, words on a screen are going to have to suffice.

Don't ever make somebody your Plan A who would only make you their Plan B.

Now, go and be super-successful too! Treat yourself right, heal yourself, then find somebody nice. And maybe, 10-15 years from now, you'll bump into Mr Moon-onna-Stick and you won't even recognise him because he'll be 50s and fat and haggard and you''ll be so fabulous and serenely happy, and your triumph will be all the greater!

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 10/05/2015 07:42

He's successful in business? He seems to see you as another commodity he can pick up and put down when he feels like it.

He will never commit to you truly. You'd be foolish to let him in again.

SweetieXPie · 10/05/2015 09:02

Please think carefully!
I have a very good friend who has done this dance with her older partner for 15 years, every few months/years he drops her, then when he is bored gets back with her.
She recently told me she feels her life has been robbed, she never had children (even though she wanted so much to be a mum) he didn't want children (not I think having a child with him would have been a wise thing to do). She was so in love with him she would never go out and try to meet someone else when they were apart, he just ended up waiting for him to come back to her, it's such a shame that she could have met someone, married possibly had children and had a happy life, instead she still lives with her parents, waiting for this awful man to want her back
IMPERIAL had great advice, what would you tell your daughter if you had one, I would hate for you to wake up when your 40 (like my friend) and realised you wasted our life.

Longtalljosie · 10/05/2015 09:17

I have friends, coming to terms with the fact that they may now never meet someone in time to start a family - who wasted years and years on just such a person. He will bugger off eventually. Just don't let him take your late 20s and mid 30s with you. And we're not brave, not really - I'm sure if a friend was in your position they would give similar advice (unless they were quite young and a hopeless romantic). What do your friends say?

That evening where he pretended he didn't know you? That's humiliating. And you say we haven't heard it all. Tell us something else. Not because we're being voyeuristic - but I know from experience the way you excuse and minimise awful behaviour is to not tell people, then it doesn't seem so real...

ImperialBlether · 10/05/2015 12:15

MyRightFoot is absolutely right.

when you went nc, winning you back was a game for him. he's successful in work because he is great at a challenge. he sees you as a challenge to overcome, not as a person to love. he will offer you anything to win you back but he will lose interest again when he has you.

Why don't you list (either here or on your own) all of the things he's done to upset you? It's horrible to do but you know what? When you're halfway down the list, the answer will become absolutely clear to you.

LondonLady29 · 10/05/2015 18:12

NO.

You're in your twenties. Go and meet someone who feels lucky to have you and who SHOWS you that.

Gfplux · 10/05/2015 18:45

If you don't run away from this man you will be back here in a couple of years time with a child saying you are TRAPPED in a relationship.

QuintShhhhhh · 10/05/2015 18:51

NO.
Nope. Channeling THE cat NopeNopeNope

He has just picked the carrot he thinks you are most likely to be hooked by, to dangle in front of you. Most likely he wants a shag, or his ego stroked.

Original poster

Reallywhynow · 10/05/2015 19:45

Imperial odd that u'd recommend that as it's something I have done and to be honest the list of bad points went to at least 30 things (but i don't know if I was being gratuitous as some of them were things that he's done as opposed to things that he is... if that makes sense)
His good points were career, self-confidence and general totally organised-knows-his-shit type of things.

Josie Where to start! he did all manner of things from making me feel inadequate to lying about his current girlfriend. Thing is he now wants me, he wants to change but he has said things which make me reflect e.g. he said that he didn't throw me out when we were living together, and that i'm a good cook and do clean (which i am and do). He carried on being his confident self while I was breaking apart. He used to tell me we were 'seeing' but then I'd go home and cry as it meant nothing.

I don't know if I'm being OTT but I'd say that he has a little bit psychopathic tendencies (or maybe i'm just over-sensitive and need to get a grip) but I'd say that some of the things he did were emotionally abusive, however, like I say, maybe I'm being OTT.

OP posts:

CheersMedea · 10/05/2015 19:55

I tried to do my best as I wanted us to get back together

Can I just say ^ that in my experience if you ever feel in a relationship that you need to "try" to win someone's love or affection it is completely the wrong relationship. It's usually created out of a feeling of not quite being good enough; someone who actually likes you (forget love for a moment) would never make you feel like this. So feeling you have to "try your best" says to me it's totally wrong for you.

I agree with everyone else saying he's probably been dumped and is at a loose end. Flee for the hills before this on/off cycle becomes your middle age.

CraftyCrafterson · 10/05/2015 19:56

OP he now wants you because you've taken away his cake (which you'd let him have and eat). Of course he wants that back!
He said you are a good cook and you clean up... Really?! No professions of his love or showing you how much you meant to him?

Seriously, get rid.

He is using you and will always use you. You don't mean anything to him. Find someone that loves you and treats you with respect. You deserve that.

Original poster

Reallywhynow · 10/05/2015 20:07

Cheers I never actually saw it that way! That's a real eye opener! At the time I thought I'd try to make him see that I'm amazing... and it didn't occur to me that that in itself is wrong! In fact now you mention, I have never done the 'best behaviour' act with anyone else I love. I've really put so much energy at this and as a result my self-esteem is so shot.

Crafty there have been professions of his love, which is why I'm at this point. It's just various sentences he has made that make me wonder wtf? such as 'i didnt throw you out' (yes it was his house but it wouldn't even occur to me that he'd have considered throwing me out). 'you cook and clean' (wtf). 'never loved ex and was just waiting for you' (so he was happy to play games with another woman's heart).

OP posts:

Longtalljosie · 10/05/2015 20:07

My love. You think he's a psychopath. You have answered your own question about whether or not to have children with him...

Blarblarblar · 10/05/2015 20:28

You can do it OP and one day you will look back (I promise it won't be to long) and feel nothing for him. You won't feel shit forever once you have decided to leave you'll start to feel strong again, honestly. He is a very small chapter in your life. Maybe only a paragraph . You are worth more and deserve more know that and walk away.

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