Now he says he wants me and will change

[Reallywhynow]

My ex / current boyfriend is 14 years older than me. I'm in my twenties.

When we first met it was pretty much love at first sight but due to various issues, maybe with age or difference perspectives we broke up after 7 months. We then got back together but then 3 months later he broke up with me.

Two months or so after that we got back together but we were apparently 'seeing' he asked me to live with him (because I needed somewhere to stay as my tenancy had expired) but we were not technically in a relationship. During the time we lived together we pretty much behaved like a couple and I tried to do my best as I wanted us to get back together. I eventually moved out as I found a new tenancy (this was always the agreement but deep down I'd hoped he'd ask me to stay). When I moved out we continued to see each other but he wouldn't commit, in fact at times, considering we have quite a few mutual friends, on social occasions he would sometimes speak to me as if he didn't know me or be very flippant with me. As if we had ever been together! He would take me out for dinner, and I'd be thinking 'oh great, this means he loves me' and he would be happy to have sex and compliment me but not get back together properly.

His attitude eventually wore me down and made me heartbroken so I went NC. Ignored his calls and even discovered that he'd then started dating someone else.
He kept calling so I eventually answered his phone calls and we met up (now another 3 months on). He told me that is very sorry and has broken up with the woman he was seeing and now wants us to get engaged and have a baby in a year or so. Would you go back?

It sounds like you aren't sure that all the things you dislike about him are "valid enough" reasons not to try again.

This is a mistake I've certainly made before.

Here's what my older and wiser self knows, even if all your reasons were tiny and petty (which they're not!), like "he leaves the cap off the toothpaste" or "he has a funny walk". If these things put you off him, If you don't like them, If they make the relationship worse for you, then you are entitled to say, "I don't want this relationship because these things make me unhappy".

He sounds like exactly the sort of person everyone should be avoiding. He talks a good talk, but never bothers to actually behave in a respectful and caring way.

He could well be one of those 30-somethings who usually date much younger women because they know women their own age wouldn't put up with all their crap.

So the lessons you need to take away:-

1. Always look at actions, don't listen to nice promises for how he will change, they don't mean anything.

1. You can leave a relationship for any reason. They don't have to be huge things like cheating. The simple question to be answered is, "on balance, does he make me happy and make me feel better about myself?" If he doesn't, then he's not right for you.

1. (This is the one I really wish I'd done many many years ago) Work on your self esteem. Dodgy men can smell low self worth a mile away. Often at first your self-esteem feels better, since someone wants you, but it's not long before little comments start chipping away, and before you know it you feel trapped. Who else would want you? You're so lucky to have him when you're so worthless. And that's why they do it. Make you feel crap and they can treat you how they want and you'll beg for more.

1. Any man who compliments you for how well you do housework, is trying to train you to do the things he wants you too. It ties in with the low self esteem too. It's not a compliment.

1. If things he says confuse you and rewrite history, then that is exactly what he's trying to do. It's called gaslighting. It's not nice. Run a mile.

Everyone here has given you permission to leave this poor excuse for a man :) I wish I'd had MN support when I first met xh. We never would have lasted a few months, and I would have been saved from nearly a decade and a half of anguish.

Now I have a lovely dh. He makes me feel amazing. This morning when I first woke up, hair all over the place (there was drool too) he said, "Chris you are the most beautiful woman in the world." And he meant it. He's wrong, but he meant it! I also woke up to a cup of tea by the bed because I'd had a rubbish night with the baby. Dh had been up as much as me, but he still did something nice.

So find someone who only has eyes for you. Good men are out there. Don't settle for a rubbish one. Find someone kind.

I wish I had that time with xh back.

Another resounding NO!

My darling girl, good relationships make life easier, happier and calmer. In a good relationship, you are a team walking together side by side.
This is not, in any way, a good relationship.
What makes you think this is all you deserve?

Dignity, no-contact and some single-time are your friends here.

Dear God, no!

what a lovely post to wake up to on a monday morning chris. Your husband sounds like a real gem. You sound so happy with him :)

Thanks Meerka :) he really is and I really am, took me long enough to stop entertaining losers though!

You need to tell him, 'NO. Not ever. I want NO contact from you, ever. I need to get on with my life. You keep contacting me, and it's stalking.'

This guy's a twunt.

RUN FOR THE HILLS

THEY ARE THAT WAY >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Please also enrol online to do Womens Aid Freedom Programme.
You need to start spotting red flags way earlier and choose better partners in future.

MyRightFoot has hit the nail on the head when you went nc, winning you back was a game for him. hes successful in work because he is great at a challenge. he sees you as a challenge to overcome, not as a person to love. he will offer you anything to win you back but he will lose interest again when he has you.

Don't do it. You will ruin your life if you let this man (or anyone like him) back into it. The strength of posters on here is, as someone else mentioned, actually the collective voice of experience! We've all been there, done that and given the option to go back and take the advice of a bunch of wise MNers we'd give our right arm to be able to undo what we did.

You have the time machine! This is you from the future telling you to walk away

Think how empowered you'd feel by sending him a message. 'Had a think about your offer. No thanks. And don't contact me again.' Then you can get on with your life and focus on finding someone who is reliable, consistent, emotionally available and who thinks you are the best thing that ever happened to them. You never know it might even cause him to reflect upon the appalling way he has treated you. Win win.

It has often been said that the traits that make people successful in business are similar to psychopathy, and as a result you often see psychopaths at the very top of businesses. Obviously there are also many lovely people who are capable and energetic enough to succeed, but it's not at all unusual that someone who's successful and organised is also an emotionally cold fish. You say a man of his age and capability would know what he wants in life; I'm sure he does, and he also knows how to get it. That doesn't mean that what he wants is the same as what you want. It's partly him telling you what you want to hear, and the rest you hearing what you want him to say.

I could tell you to go for it as you have nothing to lose, but the fact is you are emotionally invested and when he dumps you again it will hurt. You'd have nothing to lose if you just wanted a bit of on-off fun. This isn't what's happening, though, is it? You won't come out of this shrugging your shoulders and putting it down to experience. The carrot he's dangling is a long-term secure future and when it's inevitably snatched away you are going to cry buckets. Again.

Run like the fucking wind, screaming blue murder and throwing big, pointy stones at him if he tries to follow you.

Seriously, you need to say "no" AND get this guy out of your life, or he will try playing cat and mouse games with you whenever someone decent comes near you, whether that's as a friend or as a partner.

You're worth more than this, Really. Even apart from all the things you say about his frankly appalling, entitled behaviour as a boyfriend, you sound so in awe of him - his age, his 'hotshot' career, his knowing what he wants - that it's not hard to see that you see yourself as the junior partner in the relationship, reacting to his preferences, second-guessing him, eager to please, as if his acceptance was an exam you were trying to pass. Stop this now, and never again form a relationship with this 'Entitled, Experienced Man Toys With Eager-to-Please Younger Woman' dynamic.

No no no no no!

This book will help you to get a grip and realise you deserve better. Please do not waste another minute on him. Life is short.

You're all very right and incredibly insightful! Lipsync your comment on me being in awe of him is absolutely correct. I'd even go so far as to say that it is some kind of hero-worship. He found me at quite a fragile point in my life and pretty much changed it.
Chris thanks for your post. This is especially true: "5. If things he says confuse you and rewrite history, then that is exactly what he's trying to do." He does that a lot.
Anyway, last night we had a major argument over something very very minor - We'd agreed to meet but I had to do something last minute so I asked him if we could meet 30mins later, he agreed but he thought that I'd walk to his, as opposed to him walking to me. (The initial plan was for him to pick me up but when I changed plans to meet 30mins later he was already on his way and he thought that I'd then walk to our meeting place. I could have walked but I thought that he should still have come to pick me up. He didn't - in his view I should have walked).

I didn't even get to tell him that I think we should go our separate ways. I cried a lot but think its now over. I'm a little bit shaky now but I suppose I had a lucky escape. I know this is besides the point but could someone please tell me if he will eventually find someone else, is it just the relationship with me didnt work? Surely if there is someone for everyone. I mean just because he was like this with me then will his next girlfriend will be treated differently? I honestly don't think I ever want to love again. It's just not worth it. I feel as though I want to smash everything.

Smash things! That's Ok! Try to stay away from something precious or expensive, though. Try pillows or the kick-boxing bag at the gym, or a squash ball.

I don't necessarily agree that there's someone for everyone. That is, I hope to fuck not, and if you spent as much time on the Relationships board as I have, reading about the abusive freaks of nature out there, you'd probably give that bit of poetry a wide berth. Some of these guys don't deserve anybody, unless it's somebody as abusive as them.

However, back to you. Sounds like you didn't get the chance to drop him the zinger a PP had suggested, or indeed be the guy to break it off. Meh, don't worry: as you said, you had a lucky escape there! Focus on that.

Now go look after you.

will he ever find someone?

we don't know this guy, only his pattern of jerking you around. It's possible he'll find someone and settle down but (extrapolating a fair bit here) he may well get an adrenaline kick out of playing "come here, go away". Power over other people's hearts can be a real kick for some people, and there's no point having that power unless you exercise it.

The pattern of his behaviour with you means he's unlikely to be a good bet though for one reason - really decent people don't mess others around like this. Particularly much younger and fragile-at-the-time people. He's not got a nice character underlying, so whoever he ends up with is going to have a bad time - unless she's so strong she can get him completely under her thumb.