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Original poster

Did anyone ever make it work with a man who didn't seem that keen?

86 replies

Bassett2 · 09/05/2015 11:13

I am just dating a man who has been quite badly hurt in his last LTR (a year ago and a half ago now) and he admits it's affected his ability to "let people close".

He wants to see me, but doesn't make it a priority. He texts me at length but never instigates the conversation and he never telephones me. We have days where we chat all day and others where he goes all quiet and I hear nothing at all.

I know from past experience that is usually a sign a man doesn't like you that much, so half of me is thinking of walking away and moving onto someone a bit more keen, but I was wondering is that always the case? Does it always mean he doesn't like you that much?

What encourages me to continue is that he says very plainly that he likes me very much and wants to continue dating me. If I text he replies right away every time. He says he loves hearing from me, and if I do "ignore" him, he will eventually text me. He gives me a lot of attention, compliments, asks questions, send me pics of what he's doing and asks for pics of me. On our dates (have had three) I don't feel any doubt he likes me as much. It feels obvious he does when we are physically together and he is very tactile and his face "says it all".

I just feel a bit discouraged that he isn't that keen to see or speak to me.

I did pluck up the courage to send a text yesterday saying that sometimes I feel like he doesn't like me as much as I like him and he replied and said he liked me more than he knew how to show and he was trying to learn better how to do that. Still...that could be BS!

He did tell me from when he first asked me out that he was not a forward person and I would have to be more so with him. At the same time, I am quite tired of feeling like I am doing all the chasing!

Should I give it time or walk away? Right now he says he wants a fourth date soon and that's about it, no timescale and I am just waiting Confused

If I do stick with it, should I keep gently pushing, or completely back off and let him chase me back?

OP posts:
ScrambedEggAndToast · 09/05/2015 11:18

I think it's always better to be the one being chased so if it were me, I wouldn't bother any more. Sounds like too much hard work and a sign of things to come.

Allofaflumble · 09/05/2015 11:24

Let him wonder about you. Get busy with other things. He sounds as if he will be hard work to me.

crje · 09/05/2015 11:29

My sister married a guy like this, she wouldn't walk away.
His priority is still himself even after 10 yrs of marriage & 3 kids.
He is a shit husband & father, she has no support at all.

Run run run

Dowser · 09/05/2015 11:38

If a guy is not beating a path to your door, with his elbows stuck out so no other man can overtake him then

I'd have serious thoughts about the future of this relationship.

( I'm chuckling at a mental picture of the sperms dash for the egg here)

I was having car problems one time and OH lived about 25 miles away and I used to go to his on a weekend.

I said to him what would you have done if I hadn't got my car back.

Easy, he said, I would have come and got you and took you back with me.

That's my sort of man and believe me ive had a few limp lettuces in my time ;-)

Original poster
Bassett2 · 09/05/2015 11:44

Yes that's what I have experienced in the past when men liked me.

Or when they didn't like me that was obvious too.

In this case it's more total confusion.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 09/05/2015 11:44

I can't see the point of this bloke! Are you sure he's not living with someone?

What does he want, a text buddy? He never phones you? Hmm I am still wondering whether he's living with someone.

You've only seen him three times. Over what period of time was that?

beaglesaresweet · 09/05/2015 11:52

I don't agree that it's so clear-cut. He's been hurt in the recent ltr and also his personality is not 'forward' as he said. I think the other things are encouraging, the look on his face when close, always responding quickly, I think he is carefully gathering pace. It's very understandable after a traumatic LTR. How long have you known him? It really is early days, just three dates, some people take time. Obviously if you've known him a year that it's a different matter!
Don't forget he did ask you out first, so it's in him. I think, do less than you are doing now, let him find his pace of chasing you, but don't go all cold either. I know it's hard to be patient, but if he's good all round, it's worth a couple of month of your time to see how it goes imo. If no change in a couple of months, then leave it. Men are really not all charging bulls, there are sensitive sorts - they will 'charge' but at their own pace. Better than someone overly keen quickly and then cools down equally fast.

Original poster
Bassett2 · 09/05/2015 11:53

Three dates over a month. Chatting for a month before that after we met on a night out and he took my number. Took me while to agree to a date.

I think him living with someone is a red herring, but he might be dating someone else for all I know.

OP posts:
beaglesaresweet · 09/05/2015 11:57

Oh that's nothing , just a month!! some people (like me) are not phone talkers, I don't like not seeing their expression, unless I know someone really well.

beaglesaresweet · 09/05/2015 11:59

so if you took time to agree as well, he thinks you are fine with the pace. I doubt it that he dates around, even if he does, that wouldn't affectt anything if he really likes you. And as you say, when you ignore him, he does text. Try doing a bit less, as I say.

ImperialBlether · 09/05/2015 12:00

But you can't see their expressions when you're texting, either, beaglesaresweet, can you?

DelphiniumBlue · 09/05/2015 12:02

All this after 3 dates??
He's not even really your boyfriend yet, why are you texting him all the time?

Fwiw, it sounds like he does like you. Give him some space to show that.
If there is a space of several days between texts/ calls from him, that is ok.
But don't keep chasing him, you'll look like a stalker!

Vivacia · 09/05/2015 12:02

Three dates?!

PeppermintCrayon · 09/05/2015 12:06

He's just not that into you. And you are being a bit ott if you've only had three dates!

Original poster
Bassett2 · 09/05/2015 12:12

Well that's what I was really asking, was whether I was worrying overly and being ott if it's ok if there's a space of a few days between contact and a week or two between dates.

I was a bit worried he did want a text relationship. It's been a lot of texting and some people only really want that don't they.

If there's a chance he likes me and is just slow and getting things going gently that's ok I can be patient. I was just a bit perplexed over why he wasn't making seeing me a priority, because he's not. Maybe he needs time to know and like me more.

OP posts:
beaglesaresweet · 09/05/2015 12:13

Imperial, I'm not a big texter either! I only do this when well into a relationship and seeing someone a lot (more than once a week).

Vivacia · 09/05/2015 12:14

But it's such early days OP, isn't it? Your questions are for 6 months in, not 3 dates.

Original poster
Bassett2 · 09/05/2015 12:17

I think the reason him not instigating texts bothers me is because it was the other way around before, with him always instigating. I know that maybe I am coming across over keen perhaps here and might be pushing him the other direction.

I will try and stop instigating then and see what happens.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bassett2 · 09/05/2015 12:19

Well I know Vivacia, but after 2 months or two years if someone's behavior isn't as you expect it's confusing isn't it.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 09/05/2015 12:34

But he is, beagles! That's what I was getting at.

Vivacia · 09/05/2015 12:34

I'm not sure it's confusing... it helps you understand what they are like and allows you make a decision about whether this is someone who behaves as you expect to be treated.

I think that his behaviour is perfectly appropriate for three dates (although I'm not sure how you sometimes spend the whole day chatting if he doesn't like to talk on the phone - I did't quite get that bit).

Vivacia · 09/05/2015 12:35

I think the reason him not instigating texts bothers me is because it was the other way around before, with him always instigating.

Before what?

ImperialBlether · 09/05/2015 12:35

The fact is, I'm sorry, that he doesn't make you a priority. Now you don't know why that is, but it's the fact of the matter.

Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't make seeing you a priority? If he starts off only half-bothered, that's not going to change, is it?

Original poster
Bassett2 · 09/05/2015 12:38

That's great though if you think it's appropriate it helps me stop feeling like it's bad and just let him be. I meant chatting in text. I have actually had over 1000 texts from him in two months, so it's a lot. I just wonder I suppose why he doesn't invest that time in coming to see me or going for a walk instead.

I do know everyone is diferrent. I'm not at all shy and just jump in and wear my heart on my sleeve and I know he's not like that and sometimes he has his kids and stuff.

I'll try and not be so needy and just see what he does. I suppose he'd not be dating me if he didn't want to.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bassett2 · 09/05/2015 12:39

before = when we first met.

He definitely doesn't make me a priority though. But not sure if after 3 dates it's abnormal to expect that?

OP posts: