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Original poster

Did anyone ever make it work with a man who didn't seem that keen?

86 replies

Bassett2 · 09/05/2015 11:13

I am just dating a man who has been quite badly hurt in his last LTR (a year ago and a half ago now) and he admits it's affected his ability to "let people close".

He wants to see me, but doesn't make it a priority. He texts me at length but never instigates the conversation and he never telephones me. We have days where we chat all day and others where he goes all quiet and I hear nothing at all.

I know from past experience that is usually a sign a man doesn't like you that much, so half of me is thinking of walking away and moving onto someone a bit more keen, but I was wondering is that always the case? Does it always mean he doesn't like you that much?

What encourages me to continue is that he says very plainly that he likes me very much and wants to continue dating me. If I text he replies right away every time. He says he loves hearing from me, and if I do "ignore" him, he will eventually text me. He gives me a lot of attention, compliments, asks questions, send me pics of what he's doing and asks for pics of me. On our dates (have had three) I don't feel any doubt he likes me as much. It feels obvious he does when we are physically together and he is very tactile and his face "says it all".

I just feel a bit discouraged that he isn't that keen to see or speak to me.

I did pluck up the courage to send a text yesterday saying that sometimes I feel like he doesn't like me as much as I like him and he replied and said he liked me more than he knew how to show and he was trying to learn better how to do that. Still...that could be BS!

He did tell me from when he first asked me out that he was not a forward person and I would have to be more so with him. At the same time, I am quite tired of feeling like I am doing all the chasing!

Should I give it time or walk away? Right now he says he wants a fourth date soon and that's about it, no timescale and I am just waiting Confused

If I do stick with it, should I keep gently pushing, or completely back off and let him chase me back?

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 09/05/2015 12:44

He's not really dating you in the usual sense, though, is he? Three dates with no preparation for a fourth date? It's all very well him saying he wants to see you but maybe you just need to say "When?" and don't reply until that's answered.

abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz1234 · 09/05/2015 12:44

I think he sounds fine. It's such early days. I would prefer someone like that than someone who seemed to over involved so soon.

He sounds like he is nice to you in person.

beaglesaresweet · 09/05/2015 12:47

Imperial ok, I've missed that bit that they text a lot - but otoh it's mainly in response to OP's texts (apart from in the very beginning). Also when I'm getting to know someone, if I have to chat, I'd still prefer online chat or texts as there is less pressure, with the phone it's also reading silences and intonations which is a bit of a bother when you don't know them well, it's a matter of prefrence I suppose. Maybe he's way of getting to know OP is texting, which is not great in itself and if I were her I'd ease off the texts and not instigate but let him arrange the dates, he'll miss her more if they do ease off all the texting which can be counter-productive and even boring.

antimatter · 09/05/2015 12:48

You know the test - ask for his home number and tell him you'll call during evening.

His reaction will be the answer to his living arrangement Grin

abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz1234 · 09/05/2015 12:48

OMG!!! I've just seen that you have had a 1000 texts from him in two months Shock Confused Umm, that's 15 plus a day. How many do you send to him?

beaglesaresweet · 09/05/2015 12:49

his way, not he's

Original poster
Bassett2 · 09/05/2015 12:49

To describe it, he's not cold or off with me ever at all. This is a sample of a text from him when I have felt a bit doubtful and he's quite upfront when asked directly:

"I'm warming to you very much indeed, more than you maybe realise and perhaps I am not the best at showing that but I am willing to try and learn. believe it or not I have got much better, although that might be hard to believe. I think maybe nowadays I want a little more and see it a little differently and am enjoying getting to know you slowly and so far like everything I've found."

So he's a bit like that. Very clear he wants to see me again and all that. I suppose I am just wondering "why not today?"

I think I might be being daft and needy and not everyone races in and he might have a life as well. I'm sounding a bit daft to myself now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bassett2 · 09/05/2015 12:53

abc...the first month he instigated those texts every time so I haven't been bombarding him. I don't text him every single day, and I won't instigate more than once in a day, but when I do instigate the conversation often goes on for 20 or 30 texts. It does seem to me like a vast amount of texting, but sometimes it's just joking around or pic messaging each other of what we're doing.

OP posts:
beaglesaresweet · 09/05/2015 12:54

yes, it's daft. Try to distract yourself by doing other stuff. He spelled it out that he is taking it slowly but that he likes you a lot, it's only been a month, he should speed up after a month or two!

Original poster
Bassett2 · 09/05/2015 12:55

Thanks all anyway, I feel a right idiot now worrying unduly at such an early stage and I've probably been way ott thinking into this. I'll just see if he asks for that date and go on it and keep doing that until we know each other a bit better and until then I will take the advice, step back and let him miss me a bit. Thanks!!!

OP posts:
Thetruthshallmakeyefret · 09/05/2015 12:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz1234 · 09/05/2015 12:59

Ok, the texts don't sound so bad then. I really wouldn't worry yet. I'm a fan of taking things slowly.

Trills · 09/05/2015 13:00

It's hard to judge what is to be expected.

"After 3 dates" sounds quite casual to me.

"After 2 months" is getting to the point when you'd say you were "in a relationship" with them.

I guess if I was interested in someone, I would have seen them much more than 3 times over 2 months.

Original poster
Bassett2 · 09/05/2015 13:09

I blame the films. They make you feel like it's meant to be a certain way.

No, no sex yet, a lot of kissing only and hand holding and one night he did drive over to my house just to kiss me goodnight, which was nice.

Trills, the first 5 weeks or so was just talking on text. He got my number on a night out (he took a photo of me and my friends and said he'd like a copy and could he have my number) and texted me the next day to ask if I fancied meeting up for a coffee. I said, "no thank you" but we carried on texting a lot for that time and after I got to know him I changed my mind and asked him out. We did start off as a text relationship so maybe that's why we do it so much.

I'll try and suck it up and get on with some other activities instead of sitting by the phone.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 09/05/2015 13:13

I think that you've got a good plan. Put him back in the casual acquaintance zone until he pulls his finger out.

newstart15 · 09/05/2015 13:16

His old are you? Do you each have dc's? This relationship speed would have worked well for me when I was a single parent but not if I was in 20's.

I think the texting is a way of keeping someone 'warm' without real investment.The lack of dates does show minimal effort on his part, the honeymoon stage of dating is great and it should be full of excitement for the next meeting.My dh would drive miles just to see me for a short time and we both invested time in planning the dates.

I think you are being short changed as its very easy to remain in contact via text as it's such low effort.I personally would not have told him 'I seem to like you more' as I think you don't know him well enough to trust his response.If he's a player he's unlikely to answer truthfully.Forget what he says and judge by his actions.

Have you invested more than you should? Have you had sex so feel committed?

Arrowminta · 09/05/2015 13:27

You must have met online, to be in touch before you met. I would say being more keen before you met would be a red flag, firstly because I personally don't like too much contact before I've met someone and secondly his interest would increase if he liked you as much as he hoped.

With this aside, I think contact after only 3 dates shouldn't be continuous either. Let it build up as you get to know someone.

Original poster
Bassett2 · 09/05/2015 13:28

We're both 30s and both have children yes. Both divorced. He's 5 years older than me.

Maybe I shouldn't have told him "I seem to like you more" but I generally work off a "ask if you want to know" policy. I gave him space to say he didn't want to see me if he didn't. I'm pretty confident and would far rather have answers than waste my time.

I have ruled out him being a player, because he's not tried to have sex with me or rushed anything.

Have I invested more than I should?

Hmm...I am wanting to go out once a week on a date, get dressed up and have a bit of fun. If not with him, then with someone else. It's been a while since my divorce and I am ready to live life and have a bit of fun and experience.

So maybe not that I have invested too much but more that I'd quite like him to be spending that time with me if he wants to, or if not, spend with someone else.

Most of my friends are married and nights out are not as common as before. I suppose I spent this weekend at home alone, kids at their Dad's, when I could have been out and it was a bit annoying that he didn't ask. I can't keep doing that so I do need more firm plans / bookings from him.

That waiting around is investing I suppose.

OP posts:
Arrowminta · 09/05/2015 13:30

Oh, sorry realise you met on a night out. That's a bit odd to lose interest after first date.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 09/05/2015 13:42

I'm dating someone, met him 6 weeks ago roughly and had 4 dates. We don't even chat in between! A couple of texts in the week if something interesting happens. That to me feels just right for such an early stage of dating. I never understand some peoples need to entangle their lives with what is basically a stranger so quickly. You barely know him - keep him at a distance until you really do know him!

loveyoutothemoon · 09/05/2015 13:57

You sound a little impatient.
I'm separated, with children and met someone, been seeing each other a couple of months. Because of past experiences and my new found independence we're taking it very slowly.
He sounds very keen, sounds like he too just wants to take it slowly. Don't push it and spoil things. Good luck.

Louboutin37 · 09/05/2015 14:48

People like this dude really piss me off. It's not your problem that he was really hurt in his last LTR. And WTF makes him so special? Weren't most of us hurt in the same way in our last LTR?

He either needs to get over himself and stop making excuses or get out of the game because he's not ready to be dating.

Either way, he's messing you around. Tell him to jog on

Twattergy · 09/05/2015 18:23

Judge him by his actions. And I don't class texting as an action. Tell him you'd like to go out with him next week and leave the arrangements to him. If he doesn't take action, then leave it. They are so many posts on MN with women trying to second guess men's intentions via text and it drives me mad! If you like him and he likes you then ignore what's happening with texts and just see how it progresses.

Original poster
Bassett2 · 09/05/2015 19:03

Do you think I should put a time limit in my mind for ho long he should have before arranging a date? The last one was last weekend (so it's been 9 days) and he said he had a busy week.

I know I am being advised to be patient, but I was thinking that 9 days is an awfully long time and perhaps I should set a limit in my mind that I would now NOT text him at all, and if he's not texted or called me by, say, Friday which would be two weeks from our last date I should give up and move on?

Do you think that sounds like a reasonable course?

OP posts:
Original poster
Bassett2 · 09/05/2015 19:17

Or that's 8 days. Maths not my best!

OP posts: