Did anyone ever make it work with a man who didn't seem that keen?

[Bassett2]

I am just dating a man who has been quite badly hurt in his last LTR (a year ago and a half ago now) and he admits it's affected his ability to "let people close".

He wants to see me, but doesn't make it a priority. He texts me at length but never instigates the conversation and he never telephones me. We have days where we chat all day and others where he goes all quiet and I hear nothing at all.

I know from past experience that is usually a sign a man doesn't like you that much, so half of me is thinking of walking away and moving onto someone a bit more keen, but I was wondering is that always the case? Does it always mean he doesn't like you that much?

What encourages me to continue is that he says very plainly that he likes me very much and wants to continue dating me. If I text he replies right away every time. He says he loves hearing from me, and if I do "ignore" him, he will eventually text me. He gives me a lot of attention, compliments, asks questions, send me pics of what he's doing and asks for pics of me. On our dates (have had three) I don't feel any doubt he likes me as much. It feels obvious he does when we are physically together and he is very tactile and his face "says it all".

I just feel a bit discouraged that he isn't that keen to see or speak to me.

I did pluck up the courage to send a text yesterday saying that sometimes I feel like he doesn't like me as much as I like him and he replied and said he liked me more than he knew how to show and he was trying to learn better how to do that. Still...that could be BS!

He did tell me from when he first asked me out that he was not a forward person and I would have to be more so with him. At the same time, I am quite tired of feeling like I am doing all the chasing!

Should I give it time or walk away? Right now he says he wants a fourth date soon and that's about it, no timescale and I am just waiting

If I do stick with it, should I keep gently pushing, or completely back off and let him chase me back?

Don't sit around at home waiting for him to make a date!

Date other people as you feel like, this can't be regarded as a serious, exclusive relationship. You are just dating ocasionally.

If he is not happy with you seeing other men he will have to step up and not leave you alone on a Saturday night. Until he does do not fit your social life around him.

Personally I wouldn't give the time of day to a bloke who didn't immediately recognise what an irresistible creature I am and beg to spend every waking moment with me.

But that's just me!

Yes I know, I might go back to my old policy of not giving the time of day to anyone who's like that either. Definitely it might not always be the case that they are mucking you around if they don't put in an effort to see you but I suspect it's probably a good indicator.

Also, the very last time I put in thousands of texts getting to know someone I don't see. It's a total waste of time and an invitation for the wrong sort to suck you in with no real intention of going anywhere with it.

I feel such a sucker. I've had these doubts for ages, and just couldn't shake them and persevered because if I asked about it he was so believable and seemed so earnest.

Back to my old policy: Judge by actions and not words.

Don't give yourself such a hard time. He's the idiot, not you.

Be proud of yourself, you put your cards on the table and told you what you would not put up with so he was forced to give up his game. No more time wasted.

Onwards and upwards, stick to your standards and only give the time of day to blokes who treat you right

The level of texts sounds like he's already with someone. I've known 3 men like this. I kept wondering why they'd only text me (pretty obsessively) and wouldn't commit to future dates/plans. Hundreds of texts, then long silences. In each case, I subsequently found out that they were with someone at the time.
All had stories of belng hurt/ used/ cheated on! That reels you in.

Remember that you can text from anywhere - so the wife/ girlfriend could be in the bath/ gym etc.

I would do what a previous poster suggested and ask for his home phone to ring him. Or drop by! You will save yourself a lot of heartache and wasted time!

That's incredibly sick if that's the case :/

I don't need to worry now...I told him to leave me alone.

Just sorry I invested sooooo much bloody time. People are so weird. He wasted his own time too!

Texting really is pointless and the only time we ever obsess out it is with partners/dates etc. It causes so many issues!! Imagine if you had kept the texting to bare minimum and only arranged dates by phone etc you'd have known a lot sooner or he'd have had chance to feel your absence and step up. Relentless texting (both ways) does the opposite of paving the way to an actual relationship If its not flowing naturally a thousand texts mean literally squat. As you say onwards and upwards .

I strongy disagree.

Look at us here, communicatig via the written word.

Is it pointless?

We're not in a relationship.

Also this is a forum. So that's kind of the point

Well...when I was 15 I met my first love, and he was off away to university in the days before mobile phones and facebook and we communicated almost every day by letter for four years, with just holidays together and I can honestly say that that relationship was one of the most honest, deep and meaningful of my life. We're still close and peas in a pod now, and in those letters we expressed a lot of our thoughts, feelings and emotions.

I also had a long distance relationship for a year with a man I had only met once (he was on holiday near me). We fell in love over three months following that with phonecalls, facebook messages and Skype and we ended up together for years. It was real that relationship that grew from nothing over the internet.

In this case, perhaps not, but I do think it can definitely happen. Of course a lot is lost when you can't see someone in their environment, or wake up next to them or see the every day things or physical behavior but I do think you can develop feelings over hundreds or thousands of texts where you talk about real things that matter and who you are inside. It does open the door for people to be dishonest though and perhaps conceal parts of themselves or even hide the fact that they're not able to have a normal relationship.

I did get a message by the way from "the man", and he is apologising. I'm not currently listening but just thought I'd update.

Just sorry I invested sooooo much bloody time.

You had just three dates!

While I agree he's been less than impressive, I also think you have over-invested time, thought, and texts in a man you only met in person three times. Before the 4th date really, before the 4th month you really can't invest ANYTHING in a relationship. Those early dates are the time for you to be having fun, keeping it very light, watching how he treats you (especially when you're not asking him out), and ideally both seeing other people until you've discussed being exclusive.

All those texts gave you the impression he was more invested than he really was.

Anyway, never mind. Fuck his text (more texts!! Always sodding texts!!) apology and move on. This will never work. He's lazy and you've shown yourself to be way too keen and emotional for this early stage. Chalk this up to experience and start again with someone else.

(I don't think you will. I think you'll let him talk you into seeing him again.)