Is he tight or am I expecting too much?

[packetofcrisps]

I'm currently in months 9-12 of my maternity leave and my pay has come to an end. We are living off DP's income and a bit of money I have saved in the bank. He gives me an allowance every month and I double that with the bit of cash I've put to one side. We have separate bank accounts so I have no access to his cash other than to what he gives me.
The cash he gives me allows me to buy a few groceries each week, go to baby groups, puts petrol in my car, pays for the odd lunch out with other mums, the odd new toy or outfit for DS etc.

I understand that I can afford all the basics and still enjoy lunch out etc, but anything like getting my hair done, new clothes for me which I desperately need and furnishings for the house, I have to run by him first as it's out of my monthly budget.

He seems reluctant to spend on the house which desperately needs sprucing up or for me to purchase much needed clothes. However, he can seem to afford new expensive tools for himself to work on his hobby, an expensive weekend away with his friends and expensive birthday gifts for his family. Dont get me wrong, he'll pay for nice meals and trips out for us too, but I feel very controlled in the way I can spend money myself. Every time I have to ask for money, I just feel that bit more inferior. It's not like I cant control my spending either as I'm pretty good with money.
Should I be able to have access to his money too whilst on mat leave or am I expecting too much?

I should add that I mentioned the possibility of a joint account last week so that he didnt have to keep paying me an allowance- he went as white as a sheet and changed the subject!

I think you should start charging him a proper hourly rate for child-care and any domestic chores you do for him....

Invoice him properly and see his reaction.

That will probably let you know if he is a massive twat genuinely tight or if he just hasn't realised that life has now changed completely.

I don't think this is right at all. In an equal relationship any decent person would not mind paying for a hair cut or some new clothes.

I'm a sahm and my dh pays his salary into a joint account and most of it goes on the house, children and food. If I need my hair done I mention it to him, out of respect.

He knows that I have given up my earning power to look after the dc and that is why he supports me financially.

As you have a child you MUST sit down and dicuss finances. Ideally it should be done before getting pregnant.

DH and I have system where all our money goes into joint account and then we each transfer the same amount of money into our own accounts for pocket money to spend on ourselves. All household bills, food shopping ect is paid from the joint account.

If he resist when you are on maternity leave, present him with the bill for childcare costs that you have been providing.

What kind of spender are you? Do you get into debt?

I think you should pay the rent, bills, baby essentials. Put some cash into savings. Then split the remainder 3 ways - so you all have an equal amount. The babies cash can go on baby sessions, baby activities etc. yours can go on clothes, cafés, hair. His can go on tools etc

You should both have equal disposable income and leisure.

He's a selfish twat.

I like TheGirlFromIponema's suggestion

" The cash he gives me allows me to buy a few groceries each week, go to baby groups, puts petrol in my car, pays for the odd lunch out with other mums, the odd new toy or outfit for DS etc."

Can I just check - does he eat any of the groceries ? Is it his baby you take to baby groups and drive around in the car and buy toys for ?

How many hours a week childcare and houswoek do you do ? I agree with the PP who suggested you invoice him for half of it

When do you go back to work and who will be paying for the childcare ?

Who owns the house that you live in ? Or if rented , whose name is it in ? When you were both in paid empoyment , how did you sort out the bills and other household expenses ?

If your partner is this controlling ,I suspect you may have bigger probelms that not being able to afford a haircut .

I completely see where you're both coming from. He's really not a bad person, perhaps a little out of touch with how family life ought to be. I dont think he wants me to know the true amount he spends on his hobby hence separate accounts!

He never ever says 'no' to clothes and hair, but always seems slightly irritated by me asking. He also doesnt seem to part with as much cash for my families birthdays as his own!

Why on earth did you not get this sorted beige maternity leave?
No, it's not right.
Don't ask him about a joint account. Tell him.

Say "H, I feel like a child or an inferior asking you for money. It's ridiculous. We chose to have a child together. We're married. We need to have a joint account, and I think we should pay into it/ split things from it XYZ way".

If he does anything other than say "blimey, sorry it's made you feel crap - I agree / how about XYZ (he's aloud an opinion!) " then divorce him.
I am deadly serious about that.
No good will come in a relationship where you can't talk about this stuff and reach a fair way of managing finances.

I don't understand why you have to " ask " to buy clothes , but he's doesn't have to ask you if he can spend on his hobbies

The birthdays wouldn't bother me though.
My XH and I had our own accounts, paid an equal amount into a joint account for bills only.
Had similar salaries so similar leftover.
I spent more on my family birthdays than on his - meh.

But no WAY would I be asking a husband for money.

staceyandtracey- answers to your questions:
His baby
He eats too
Back to work part-time in July
Both own our house
Before DS, DP user to pay most of our household bills, whilst I covered housekeeping and home improvements. I wont be able to afford home improvements when I return to work as I'll be on a reduced income as returning part-time. When I was working full time we both earned a decent wage and had plenty of disposable income each. DS came along unexpectedly around a year after moving in together, so I guess we're also still learning how it is all going to work.

I ask because it's his money that he earns that is paid into his bank account each month

I couldn't cope with not having a joint account. I'm also on mat leave and weirdly my two closest friends also on mat leave are in the same situation as you. It wouldn't work for me. It is demeaning that you have to ask him for money. I firmly believe that once you are a family you should share finances and responsibilities and all members of the household should enjoy similar lifestyles.

DH and I have had completely shared finances since we got engaged. I think we might be a rarity amongst our friends though.

You shouldn't have to ask, no matter how willingly it is given.

We both have equal claim to disposable income which goes to our own current accounts.

That way, we have complete autonomy over our own spending. There's no need to get permission for any spending, no need to readon or justify. No need to add up what's fair if he needs to spend more for a couple of months and you feel you are due a lump sum to make up for it!

We NEVER argue about money. Don't really even have to discuss it except for periodic reviews.

Talk to him and tell him how you feel.

Why on earth did you have a baby in these circumstances?? How did you not talk about this beforehand?

have you discussed marriage ? I presume you realize that having a dp not dh and a child leaves you in very vulnerable position ? if you have and he is not keen then I think you have your answer. This should have been discussed before having a baby.

Had two years of this until hubby said when we bumped into a childless friend later he asked why she looked so smart compared to moi. Well duh!!! I was still wearing maternity clothes which swamped me. He was shocked but set up a DD into the household account for me which continues to this day 34 years later, still the same amount. So I went out and bought new fitted clothes from Asda, cheap as chips but at least they fitted me.

Bit harsh patchwork, as we've always agreed we feel no huge urgency to get married. I dont see how us being married has a bearing on how we manage our finances or our ability to have children.

This is the issue with separate finances and not discussing what will happen on maternity leave or returning to work part time.

So he earns X and you earn Y, you each pay for your agreed stuff. All of a sudden you have a reduced income and now you are asking for a cut of his pay. The problem is the separate finances and him not realising that he needs to pay for his child.

I have been a SAHM for 11 years. I couldn't have asked for "housekeeping" or the need to ask for anything. Dh is not my father.

We have a joint credit card. I buy everything on that, Dh pays the bill. Simple. Any large purchases are discussed beforehand.

All the stuff you say your DP happily pays for benefit him, the meals, days out. Anything that benefits you solely he has issue with. Hmmm. Bill him for childcare.

For 33 years we have had a joint account . Whenever each/either of us was working all salaries went into it , all' household' bills were/are paid from it. In addition , I have always had my own account-when we were(quite) poor it had the Child Benefit in it and I used most of it on the children . After CB stopped I had a similar amount transfered every month from the Joint Account .DH just uses the JA (he doesn't spend much!) -he deals with all our finances . I use 'my' money for things that I do without DH and for most of my clothes etc(my hair comes out of JA as I'd be happy to let it go gray but DH hates the idea .The upkeep is horrendous ) I am accountable to no-one for it. I also spend quite freely ( inc .all groceries, petrol etc)on a credit card paid off from the JA but would not commt to major expenditure without checking with DH first
It works for us
We have never argued about money (and we have had lean periods in our marriage). We don't discuss it much either.

I dont see how us being married has a bearing on how we manage our finances or our ability to have children.

Seriously?