Is he tight or am I expecting too much?

[packetofcrisps]

I'm currently in months 9-12 of my maternity leave and my pay has come to an end. We are living off DP's income and a bit of money I have saved in the bank. He gives me an allowance every month and I double that with the bit of cash I've put to one side. We have separate bank accounts so I have no access to his cash other than to what he gives me.
The cash he gives me allows me to buy a few groceries each week, go to baby groups, puts petrol in my car, pays for the odd lunch out with other mums, the odd new toy or outfit for DS etc.

I understand that I can afford all the basics and still enjoy lunch out etc, but anything like getting my hair done, new clothes for me which I desperately need and furnishings for the house, I have to run by him first as it's out of my monthly budget.

He seems reluctant to spend on the house which desperately needs sprucing up or for me to purchase much needed clothes. However, he can seem to afford new expensive tools for himself to work on his hobby, an expensive weekend away with his friends and expensive birthday gifts for his family. Dont get me wrong, he'll pay for nice meals and trips out for us too, but I feel very controlled in the way I can spend money myself. Every time I have to ask for money, I just feel that bit more inferior. It's not like I cant control my spending either as I'm pretty good with money.
Should I be able to have access to his money too whilst on mat leave or am I expecting too much?

Totally agree with vivacia so I assume you don't want to hear my opinion!
Always puzzles me why couples in committed relationships, especially with children, don't share their money. I'd hate to feel like the poorer or the richer half- very odd to me. Good luck.

'Div'
When you resort to rudeness does it make you feel better ?

Anyway, that point was a general one (not directly to the OP) as a pp said something about enabling him to earn.

He's not well organised or motivated.
Great, well you manage the finances then.
You have a joint account and one each.
All money into joint account, pay bills from this account, then divide the rest between the two of you leaving a small buffer in the joint account.
Then if you can or want to save open up a savings account or ISA and take it out of your personal account.
You are either in an equal relationship or not.
If he isn't willing to do this, he isn't worth the bother tbh, and you have your answer as to your future life together.

Do you know how much money he earns? (as in how much disposable cash he actually has?). We (and I suspect many families) despite 2 good salaries pre children had very little disposable cash once maternity pay had stopped. I'd say you actually sound to have a good amount of money and maybe there isn't any more to be had iyswim? (he may be putting the tools on credit if you don't know how he manages his finances).

'Div' is not rude bereal. I just called DP a div. Said with affection :)

parsnip - I appreciate there is not much point in saying what the Op should have done but this kind of thread is so depressing, and so common - I've been here since mumsnet began and the same old issues keep re-occuring. Perhaps there should be some sort of pre-Mumsnet website so that women can be aware of all these issues in relationships before it is too late. .

Rag I know, I agree with you, but unfortunately many people do not realise this kind of thing is important. Sadly one often learns unpleasant things via life experience rather than being told. Like when you're 15 and have a boyfriend that everyone says is a shit. You don't see it, you have to learn it for yourself and then deal with the fallout.

yes exactly what vivacia said. there is no pearl clutching here because you have a Child and not married, just can't believe yet another articulate smart woman with obvios insight into the difficulties that relationships can run into, does not 'get' the massive difference in your own security between being married and not being .married. . you say 'we' don't see the urgency. Really ? if he suggested it, (having looked up the legal /financial advantages to you) would you say no ?.. It boils down to this, if he is truly committed to you and your dc he would WANT this for you . If he doesn't, he is not worth the bother. What possible objection could any man have to marrying the mother of his child ? ( unless of course he is alfeady married - but that is probably the only valid reason).

also some women don't believe in marriage on moral/feminist grounds.

not me, but know plenty who feel that way.

£100 per week might sound a lot to some, nothing to others so without context it's not easy to judge.

Having said that, if I read things right, that's with your contribution, so he's giving you what, £200 pcm? Unless you're on a fairly tight budget, that doesn't seem a lot. I'd also worry that you're whittling away your savings, going back to a part time role where you won't be able to build them back up again. Is your DP still able to save?

In the dark and distant past when DP I first agreed to buy a place together, I argued that we should have 50/50 on a month by month basis. We should agree what was needed to run the household, including general maintenance and a certain amount of joint savings and stick that in a joint account. The rest we keep and if one partner wants to save and the other wants to spend that's fine. I argued this as the lower earner by 30% with the bigger deposit...in the full knowledge that unless something went horribly wrong, I'd be the higher earner and likely to stay that way.

It works well. Yes, it was a difficult discussion because it wasn't the way parents did it and we don't have kids etc. but it was certainly worth it. Over the years (12 and counting) I can't remember the last time we argued about money. We helped each other out a bit in the early days (as neither earned a great deal) and gradually transferred more stuff into 'household expenses' when we realised neither of us was likely to buy a Ferrari.

That's just one way of doing it, but however you want to do it, have the talk OP.

Practical stuff, not sure if it will help.

I was a bit similar but not too scared of asking, a bit apprehensive really. But I had no earnings at all.
It turned out he was so relieved I would manage the finance, not only was he working but trying to sort the money, he saw it as his responsibility.
He gave me all his personal and business bank statements and helped me set it up, well he signed for joint account

Talk to him, make him see that its a job and may well save you money if you get on top of things.
Tell him you need to be responsible now you have a family and somebody or both of you need to manage it.
If he can afford expensive tools and you have £100 per week with a baby and he can afford nice meals and days out, maybe its not too bad.
You are in a precarious position not being married. I do agree with everything Vivacia said.
Do you know how much he earns, any credit cards or loans you know of.
If he is guarded with any post, calls, etc you should worry.

I can't imagine having to ask for money. You're a partnership and your money should be shared.

'An allowance every month'? Ridiculous, archaic & controlling.

You are not the only one in this situation packetofcrisps. I am too & after 7 or 8 yrs together, I think enough is enough although the timing is really bad as I have just lost my job. Am new to this so may not get the acronyms correct which I apologise for. My bf & I have seperate bank accounts. My decision, not his as I have been burned before & did not want it to happen again. Bc things were good, we both had f/t jobs & money was not an issue or the bills but it all changed when we had our ds. I left my job to have our ds & look after him. My bf wanted me to do this which I did. Then he started moaning about how I should go back to work which is fine but when you have a long time off, finding work was not so easy.

I managed to get a job last yr & had been in a position to help with the bills. I couldn't pay all of them but paid as much as I could. We moved to a house in November where I have heard nothing more than his constant moaning about having to pay the rent & car. I paid all the other bills, the food & my own bills as well as the childminder & petrol in the car. He earns more than me & does more hours than me & I think he should pay a bit more of the bills instead of leaving me to pay them all. While I'm struggling to pay other things, he treats himself to new clothes, haircuts & goes out on a weekly basis about 3 times a wk.

Tonight I said I was going to go out but as we had yet another argument, he said I was not allowed to go out in his car as it is registered to him so I had to stay indoors or he would call the police saying that his car had been stolen. He has moved the xbox to our bedroom & told me that he does not want our ds to live with me.

It is very easy to say, why have you not discussed finances before having a child but you could say that to women who are abused by their partners. Why did you not know before you moved in with him? He only changed after we had our ds & now as I have no job & no car it looks like, I'm scared.

K2 sorry you are going through that.

I'm also sorry but your partner sounds like he is abusive to me, what with threatening to call the police if you drive his car?! Is there anyone you can talk to for support like family or friends?

You really should direct your anger at your stingy dude, not at Vivacia. Seriously. I mean seriously. Who is affecting you more, the man who gives you a miserly allowance, or the poster who points out that you were foolish not to raise this before you had your child. Talk to your mean man. Don't get snippy with posters.

I'm sorry, I've never understood how 'your money, my money' works tbh. I've always had one joint account, all wages in, all bills paid, anything left is split in half for spending each. We also set aside a bit of cash every 2/3 months to buy a couple of new outfits each, or budget for a few house bits another month as part of 'bills', and again split whatever is left over. We're one house, one family, one financial unit. It's so much simpler and fairer that way.

From what you describe, I'd probably say toys/clothes/activities for child and petrol (a necessity for taking child to said activities) I'd consider joint expenses and wouldn't expect to pay for that out of spending money. So in that view, he's possibly being a bit stingy, yes.

parsnipbob - sorry, I don't know how to copy & paste your answer on here. I have a few friends I can talk to, no family. My parents are dead. I feel very alone & trapped. One friend suggested Refuge so I have registered to their website.

I need some advice or where to look on here. Don't be sorry. You are right.

Little rant about a statement I keep seeing over and over on Mumsnet: "This isn't the 1950s." (I know it's a catch-phrase so no offense intended toward posters who have used it.) Neither my mother, nor my aunts, nor either of my grandmothers (you get the idea) were ever on an "allowance" or had to ask for money or were "given" money whether as SAHMs or while employed. I'm not talking about people who were wealthy or with any independent or separate incomes, either just middle-class (albeit married -- but that was almost everyone!) women. I could go on and on on this subject, but I'll stop.

Anyway, OP if a joint account is not possible for some reason the only other way for those in a COMMITTED relationship, especially with DC involved, to have any sanity and fairness concerning money is to make a budget, as so many posters have suggested. Take the TOTAL income from all sources at any given time, subtract monthly "must be paid" bills, subtract an average, reasonable amount to be spent on groceries, childcare and child expenses, medical, savings, vehicle upkeep, etc., and then divide the remainder between the two of you equally.

If your partner won't do that, then yes, there's a problem. He's either not really committed or may have cultural issues to overcome. OP, it may take a while for you to get your partner to understand that what he's doing is just not acceptable. Good luck!

Agree time for frank conversation. Work out how much of allowance you can spend in yourself then discuss how much he gets to spend on him. Hopefully you can come to more balanced amount.
If he moans suggest he stays home and he can have £20 a week for himself while doing all childcare a s see how happy he is then

Sorry if you've already answered this, but when you go back to work who will pay for childcare? That will be a major household expense (unless you have free care from family). I'd agree a good frank conversation is in order to avoid misunderstandings and incompatible expectations emerging.

K2 PM me if you need advice, I volunteer for a women's organisation x

What a weird set up!

Change it asap OP

A my money- your money set up like this where you have to plead for money is unhealthy and puts you entirely under his control.

It is worrying that this is what he wants.

packetofcrisps

Re your earlier comment:-
"He's really not a bad person, perhaps a little out of touch with how family life ought to be. I don't think he wants me to know the true amount he spends on his hobby hence separate accounts!"

The above is you minimising a very bad situation that you have also walked into blindly and without much thought beforehand. I presume you thought he would change once a child came into being as well. Your legal position also is very poor too.

His whole attitude towards money and you is demeaning and is also indicative of a controlling man. I believe this is called financial abuse and if you read up on this you will see similarities.

I would also think he will blanch at the prospect of having any sort of joint account. This arrangement suits him and he alone; you are of secondary concern to him.

What is he like in other areas of your relationship; how are YOU treated by him day to day?. Going to him for money and feeling that you cannot talk to him about this is extremely concerning; he's making you feel like the servant. The power and control balance in this relationship is well skewed in his favour. You are there really to serve him; the master whom you have to ask for more money from because the "allowance" he is giving you is not enough. He also paying for nice meals and trips out for you are further proof in his head of him "owning" you and you feeling more obligated; its not being done for your benefit.

From WOmens Aid:-
"It is often very difficult for victims to recognise abuse which is of an economic or financial nature: it may develop slowly and insidiously, so that what at the outset could be seen perhaps as protectiveness can become increasingly controlling, and leave no outlet for an independent life of any kind. For example, a potential abuser might say something along
these lines:

I’ll take care of all the bills – you don’t need a bank account.

I earn enough for both of us, so you don’t need to work now: I’ll look after you.

While initially this might seem acceptable, it gives the one earning and paying the bills considerable power which could potentially be exploited in order to perpetrate abuse over the other partner.

Over-spending, and building up debts in the partner’s name or joint names can also develop slowly and – even if this is an intentional form of control – it may not become obvious for some time; for example –

Both victims and those supporting them may be reluctant to name this behaviour as “abuse”. Hence many women will have lived with it for many years, until the negative impact has become almost overwhelming".