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Original poster

Is he tight or am I expecting too much?

78 replies

packetofcrisps · 07/05/2015 20:09

I'm currently in months 9-12 of my maternity leave and my pay has come to an end. We are living off DP's income and a bit of money I have saved in the bank. He gives me an allowance every month and I double that with the bit of cash I've put to one side. We have separate bank accounts so I have no access to his cash other than to what he gives me.
The cash he gives me allows me to buy a few groceries each week, go to baby groups, puts petrol in my car, pays for the odd lunch out with other mums, the odd new toy or outfit for DS etc.

I understand that I can afford all the basics and still enjoy lunch out etc, but anything like getting my hair done, new clothes for me which I desperately need and furnishings for the house, I have to run by him first as it's out of my monthly budget.

He seems reluctant to spend on the house which desperately needs sprucing up or for me to purchase much needed clothes. However, he can seem to afford new expensive tools for himself to work on his hobby, an expensive weekend away with his friends and expensive birthday gifts for his family. Dont get me wrong, he'll pay for nice meals and trips out for us too, but I feel very controlled in the way I can spend money myself. Every time I have to ask for money, I just feel that bit more inferior. It's not like I cant control my spending either as I'm pretty good with money.
Should I be able to have access to his money too whilst on mat leave or am I expecting too much?

OP posts:
peggyundercrackers · 07/05/2015 21:00

Tbh I don't think it sounds like he's particularly tight. You seem to have money when you need it, if you ask he doesn't say no... Sounds like you spend quite a bit of money on leisure activities - to me it sounds like you need to budget more rather than keep spending.

Interestingly you have at said how much he gives you each month...

For the record we don't have joint accounts and things work fine for us, I don't believe in them. Seen too many friends end up with very little when joint accounts are involved in non-marriage relationships. A good friend has just lost 45k because of this, she's absolutely gutted. Hopefully a court will help her out but we aren't holding our breath.

DicteSvendsen · 07/05/2015 21:02

Joint account and don't give the baby his sur name

Original poster
packetofcrisps · 07/05/2015 21:04

Thanks Theunwilling, that's really helpful stuff. It's also good to hear how everyone else manages their finances, it gives me ideas of how to solve this.
My stomach is in knots at the thought of asking for a say in where his pay cheque goes. He's not the most organised or most motivated of people, I know it's all going to have to come from me for things to change. Something else I need to take control of.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 07/05/2015 21:08

My stomach is in knots at the thought of asking for a say in where his pay cheque goes.

Sad

You have a child together.

hidingfromthem · 07/05/2015 21:10

Oh, he's tight.
REALLY tight.
In fact, mean as dykewater as my DM says.

Meanness is a disease and it only worsens with age.
i could not imagine life with someone like that.

Dontlaugh · 07/05/2015 21:17

It's not really about the nitty grittys of how many accounts, joint account etc. It's more the fact you feel sick at the thought of even asking him about this.
This has never ever entered my marriage or the years preceding it - we dealt with everything jointly, discussed it and tried to plan as best we could, together, before and now during marriage. That is not a boast - it is the one thing I felt was so important we had to be able to talk about it very early on. One of us has a very expensive hobby, the other NEVER questions the money that goes on that.
We have had lean years (VERY lean years) which we got through by discussing how to manage together.
So it's not really about who earns, spends or has the money - it's about how both of you communicate, feel valued for what you contribute and aren't afraid of talking about it.
Plus, you had his baby. You deserve to be recognised as an equal partner in this relationship.
If you're able to have sex together, then you need to be able to talk about money together.

parsnipbob · 07/05/2015 21:17

Oh bless you he does sound like he's BU to me.

You need to have a joint account.

I think what people meant about you being married was simply that from a legal point of view you've got much more rights should you end up splitting. Many of us have learnt that the hard way I think (not me personally, but many friends and family members).

Have you spoken to him about how you feel? You are doing a full time job looking after his baby, it's not a favour you're doing for him. You deserve a decent allowance for that.

Original poster
packetofcrisps · 07/05/2015 21:17

Helpful stuff again Vivacia

OP posts:
Dontlaugh · 07/05/2015 21:20

Is it just me or does the word "allowance" just imply the OP is somehow lucky to get it?
Sorry, parsnipbob if that's not what you meant, but it grates on me so much!
It feels like "I will ALLOW you to spend some of the money you are enabling me to earn, because I'm feeling generous today...".
It's all a bit arbitrary, isn't it?

bereal7 · 07/05/2015 21:23

I don't think he's mean tbh -just not used to paying for someone else. You guys should have talked about it before the baby came. But that's done now.

Personally, I don't believe in the whole billing crap - it's very petty and could lead to him not giving you any money at all in retaliation to your pettiness. Can you not possibly go back full time so you are not reliant on him? And treat the childcare bills like u did the rest of the household bills? If it's that you can't afford the childcare, THEN you tell your partner you are not willing to go part time unless he transfers more money to you. However, I don't see why he can't be the one to go part time or both of you - why should you sacrifice your earning potential?

Vivacia · 07/05/2015 21:25

Helpful stuff again Vivacia

I'm trying to understand how you have got yourself in to this position. I'm not the one begging my partner for an allowance.

bereal7 · 07/05/2015 21:25

Aah and it annoys me when people say you 'enabling' sone one to earn their money. No. Get over yourselves. You have made the decision to leave ur job - no one owes you anything for that.

morethanpotatoprints · 07/05/2015 21:25

I couldn't live like this OP, but each to their own.
Whatever money we have is family money and both of us have equal access to it.
Nobody has expensive hobbies because it isn't fair to use family money in this way, unless money is no object.
I know how much money is in every account we have because I manage it, no way would dh expect me to have an allowance its 2015 not 1950 ffs.
Oh, I don't work btw, haven't in 23 years.
Your dp should realise that you contribute as much as he does, so maybe invoice him for cooking, cleaning, childcare, housekeeping, etc.

Original poster
packetofcrisps · 07/05/2015 21:25

In total (with my savings too) I have around £100 per week to spend on petrol, to top up on groceries, nappies, baby milk (he pays for the main shop) baby clothes, baby equipment, the odd toy baby groups, lunches, my running group. It just wont cover my own clothes/hair/anything I want to buy for myself. Perhaps I ought to be able to budget better?

OP posts:
parsnipbob · 07/05/2015 21:25

Dontlaugh sorry, was just referring to it as allowance as that's how it's been referred to upthread...wasn't implying anything :)

Original poster
packetofcrisps · 07/05/2015 21:26

Go away Vivacia- you're a nuisance

OP posts:
parsnipbob · 07/05/2015 21:27

I'm trying to understand how you have got yourself in to this position. I'm not the one begging my partner for an allowance.

That's not a very helpful thing to say is it? There's no point saying 'oh why didn't you do X or Y before?'. The OP hasn't, that's not going to change now. She wants advice on her situation as it stands.

parsnipbob · 07/05/2015 21:28

You have made the decision to leave ur job - no one owes you anything for that.

She's on maternity leave you div.

Dontlaugh · 07/05/2015 21:31

I suppose from a practical point of view, what would work here is a budget spreadsheet.
All joint expenses laid out - food, bills, clothes for baby, childcare, fuel, insurance, household utilities etc to come out of a newly set up joint account. If not, why not?
Then whatever is left over is your own money. To spend as you wish. So for example you earn £1,000 per month, he earns £3,000. Expenses are £2,000 per month. He pays in £1,500, you pay £500 (each paying 50% of earnings).
OR whatever works!
Mind you, the higher earner in our house is usually asked to pay more towards fripperies than that Smile.

Ragwort · 07/05/2015 21:34

I find it pretty inconceivable (yes, pun intended) that grown women can have sex with a man, live with him, have a child with him yet not have a basic discussion about how to manage joint finances. Hmm. Or am I just boringly old fashioned? I wouldn't have dreamt of living with someone & having a child without having that sort of conversation. and I wouldn't have a child without being married.

Original poster
packetofcrisps · 07/05/2015 21:34

Haha... Parsnip I love 'div!'

OP posts:
Vivacia · 07/05/2015 21:35

Perhaps I ought to be able to budget better?

No, you just both need to revisit the arrangements. It's demeaning and devaluing for you to not have equal access to family finances. I don't think people are saying "why aren't you married?" because we're prudes, but because without marriage you and your child are so vulnerable. By not having equal access to family money, you are both devaluing the contribution you are making.

We see too many posts on here from women a few months down the line, and that's what concerns us and makes us take the time to reply. I think the serious problem is that you don't feel you can talk about this with your DP.

Vivacia · 07/05/2015 21:36

Ah, massive cross-post as I took ages with that page open.

All the best.

StaceyAndTracey · 07/05/2015 21:40

Crisps - thanks for answering my questions , that's helful to give a fuller picture . I have a few more

Who will pay for childcare when you return to work ?

How will you make up for your loss of earninhs when you go back part time ? I don't just mean working fewer hours, I mean the impact on your career potential and lifetime earnings ?

What are you doing about your pension ? Is he topping up your pension to take account of your maternity leave and part time hours ? If not why not ?

Do you and your dp both put equal amounts into a savings acount each month? If not why not ?

What have you done legally to protect your child in the event that you and your DP split up ?

Can I just check - you jointly own the house you live in together ? Or you own separate houses ?

Why do you think it's fair that you and your DP have very different disposable incomes when you are a family ?

Please don't be rude to vivacia - she is trying to help . I know it's no fun discussing this , but read the lone parents threads and you'll find it even less fun being broke

parsnipbob · 07/05/2015 21:40

Oh ffs, is it really any good banging on about the OP should have done this and should have done that? Maybe she should have, but unless any of you have a nice time machine you can lend her then it's not constructive advice, is it!