Marriage problems, have developed strong feelings for a younger woman

[dmg117]

I’m 37, married, one son. My wife and I have been married for 12 years. For the past few years I’ve felt as though I’m just getting nagged at all the time. It’s as if everything I do isn’t acceptable to my wife We just seem to go through the motions. I try not to argue back, I can’t stand drama and fighting. I stop most days at a coffee shop near my work. I noticed a girl there sometimes as well, I was standing waiting on my coffee and she was also, we got talking briefly, and as the days went by we just said hi and got talking more, it was always on the off-chance we’d bump into each other but it was very nice, about 2 weeks ago we sat for almost 2 hours and we met up for a drink at a cocktail bar a little over a week ago and we talked about everything, her life, my life. The parts of our lives we dislike, the parts we like. Everything. I saw her yesterday for a coffee. I know if I allow it is, it's going to develop. I know in my head it’s not the right idea, she’s so young (23) and I don’t want to breakup my family, but I feel good inside fully for the first time in a long time.

When I go home, my wife seems distant, not like she used to be when I first knew her. I do love her, and she is usually still the woman I married, but a lot of times she’s just argumentative or complaining about something trivial, like she just wants to moan. I feel like myself when I’m around this other woman. I really don’t want to hurt her feelings, she is a really great person. She’s a beautiful woman, but it’s not about that - relationships to me always were based on emotional attachments and go from there and I feel as emotionally connected to this girl more than anyone since I met my wife. My son is the most important thing to me and I don't want to effect them. I feel really caught between different feelings. Really don't know what to do? Anyone been in anything like this before?

I think it's fair enough to look at the whole picture basically. The only real victim here is the child and that's the case in other threads where a woman has been a victim of dv and has responded in a way that compounds the damage for their kids too. There was one who was risking SS taking her children because she wouldn't give up her dp who was given a talking to and later came back to say thanks as it knocked some sense into her and she kept her DC because she complied with SS in the end.

King, it would be better to address me as "Any" or "AF" if you want to shorten my name and not be rude about it

IMO, the only way to explain your stance here is that you think the violence against him justifies him cheating

not one person has said the violence is ok because it is female on male and you are trying to twist it that way which several goady fuckers have attempted to do in the past and they have been equally as transparent as you

dmg117 you have already started the affair. If you care about your son and wife as much as you say then do the decent thing and talk to your wife, end the marriage if needed before getting a 3rd person any more involved. Be honest with yourself and your wife. She and your son deserve it.

Sorry any,
I'm not justifying his emotional affair. I'm also not happy to tell a victim how to behave and judge their behaviour from the the point of view as a none victim.
I was just observing the thread. I wouldn't expect anyone to say "violence is ok", even if his wife had written the OP.
If you are going to call me "goady" (which is 101 in goad school, well done you get an A) please don't follow it with the F-word, no need to be rude.
Unless in your world goad = a differing point of view then I'm sorry.
I don't think there is a more transparent person on here, all your post are crystal

There are posts on this forum from a lovely lady called Opheliarose , life ( & that of her dc ) has been ruined by her philandering husband & I suggest you read her threads before continuing with what you are doing so you are aware of the fallout it causes !

You would be far better to talk to your Dw & if necessary split up rather than go along the way you are .

Why did you not mention domestic violence in your original post if it's a reason for you cheating ?

No-one is suspicious that this domestic abuse wasn't deemed important enough to be mentioned in the OP? It only came to mind when he came back to discover that people weren't sympathetic about his cafe flirting...

Sorry, x posted with TipseyKisses

I just had to comment on this one.
I definitely agree with nearly every comment made by posters.

To be frankly honest, i'm 23 yrs old and most people who I personally know, would not be interested in an older married man. She's either emotionally vulnerable or she's one of them who'll make you buy her stuff and then dissapear. And I can assure you it happens more often than you can imagine.

Gator

Spot on

So, I was the wife in this situation.

My husband did fuck all around the house and I was responsible for everything. I used to try and be understanding, as he had a busy job and I did the lions share of the caring for the kids despite working too.

If I asked him to clean, pick up his socks, tidy, do a job...it was construed as nagging. I was depressed, miserable and unhappy, but he didn't even notice or care.

His soloution was to have an affair with a woman who didn't nag him, who didn't have kids...while I continued holding our house and home together went through all the hormonal having a baby bit, and looked after our disabled daughter.

I was quite arsey, and nagged at times and was distant..mainly though the sheer amount of stuff I had to juggle daily and all the household family stuff there was to do head at piled up in my head.

In the end, he decided that he would leave, his wife and kids for this woman who constantly reassured him how utterly awful I was.

So he did, and three years on his kids still suffer, they write stories down about the time their dad left, and cry at the fact all their friends have a mum and dad at home, and even fucking topsy and tim do in their books.
They don't understand why he left.

You need to take a long hard look at yourself and your marriage, because what happened to us from thoughtless selfish actions has had horrific repercussions for us, our home, our lives and my children's self esteem and confidence.

All because "she gets me in a way that you don't"

I didn't have time to get him....All I did was try and keep our family together, and essentially care for an ex husband who was like a third child. I would often suggest time away, some time together, which he never took....he never bothered to do anything lovely for me. When was the last time you did something for your wife? A weekend away? A night out? The day he walked out, he had nothing to tie up...every bill, financial thing, everything related to household was run and organised by me.

Is this you?

Gator, you may have a point but he may be socialised to brush it off as a man. Equally, his wife may be socialised to think her violence is ok.
I personally think violence is wrong. Many victims hide stuff from their loved ones and others, maybe he had tried to bury it.
All I know is that I would subconsciously lose respect for my partner if I hadn't already left.

As a wife who's literally just finished a conversation with my husband (about 30 mins ago) where he confessed to an affair...

Get a fucking grip of yourself.

We have a 2 year old daughter who he proclaims he'd die for. Yet he's just destroyed her life. For what? 'Because it made me feel wanted'.

Big, that is horrific. Would it have made any difference if he'd or you had hit him/you in the past

It seems to me that you have found that initial spark you get in new relationships with this younger woman. Its new, exciting, makes you feel good about yourself and nice to know that someone likes you for who you are. But that's as far as its going to go! If this girl knew you were married with a son and you offered to leave your wife for her, she'd probably run a mile! If I were you, I'd really try with your wife. You say you love her, relationships can go stale, especially after many years. Make time for just you two. Plan a surprise for her, something you both used to enjoy loads, book it all! Even go as far as picking her an outfit out and telling her "we're off out today, this is suitable attire, and I also think you look hot in this or something along them lines. Make her feel good about herself. Trust me, if she doesn't feel good about herself you are going to get nowhere!
As for her hitting you.... Was it actual domestic violence or gently lashing out (for want of a better phrase) If you're worried she is going to hit you or your child then you need to do the right thing and remove both of you from that situation. Good luck anyway, I think by originally posting this shows that you want to save your marriage :)

You are investing your time and mental energy to this other woman, socially, emotionally!
Why don't you try and put the spark back into your marriage? Does this woman know you're married? Are you reading more into your "coffees/cocktails" than is there?
Seriously come to your senses, deal with your marriage and find out what is going on with your wife. Stop running away.

So you are a woman?

Jesus King what an insensitive way to try and prove your point. We get it, dv is wrong whoever does it. How many more times do you want posters to spell it out?

Big so sorry you had that dumped on you last night. Terrible timing too, I bet you haven't slept at all. Is there anyone in rl who can be with you today? If you want to start your own thread you will get lots of support x

Op if your marriage isn't working out you owe it to all involved to try to solve the problems within it before you end it on a whim.

If you try to solve the issues and can't then leave.

It's never a good idea to leave your marriage for someone else.

If you respect your son and wife you will minimise their hurt when or if you do leave if there is no one else involved.

Also it's selfish to involve a 23 YO girl into your problems.

If that was my daughter is be well pissed off and you certainly wouldn't want to know what I would think of some man leaving his marriage for my dd. you could certainly forget family get togethers!

Domestic violence is utterly wrong whoever the perpetrator is. As someone who works (well, volunteers) in the field I can tell you that for nothing. However, I am suspicious, OP, that you didn't mention the violence to begin with and you've pulled out that 'I've never hit her, she's hit me' thing. For one thing, DV goes way, way beyond physical violence as anyone who's experienced it will tell you.

For eg, I was eighteen, in an abusive relationship. ExP had financial control, threw things (not at me, but around me), called me names, said I was boring, fat, ugly, a nag etc etc. Totally ground down my self worth. One day he was standing in front of me, right in my face, shouting at me that I was a disgusting person, calling me a cunt, saying that no one would ever love me. I was against the wall, totally cornered. I slapped him. More to get away from him than anything else.

Would people say that was wrong? I don't feel that it was. And I know full well he was the abuser in that relationship. Not me. I was completely terrified of him.

I think of that always when I hear about women hitting men. Generally speaking (obviously there are always exceptions), you find that women who are guilty of DV are also experiencing DV at the same time, ie it's quite rare to find a woman who is an out an out abuser in the same way.

Just wanted to offer another viewpoint.

If you haven't been happy with your wife for years and she has attacked you then maybe it would be best to move on. By move on I mean leave the relationship but don't go for the other woman yet just get your crap together first.