Marriage problems, have developed strong feelings for a younger woman

[dmg117]

I’m 37, married, one son. My wife and I have been married for 12 years. For the past few years I’ve felt as though I’m just getting nagged at all the time. It’s as if everything I do isn’t acceptable to my wife We just seem to go through the motions. I try not to argue back, I can’t stand drama and fighting. I stop most days at a coffee shop near my work. I noticed a girl there sometimes as well, I was standing waiting on my coffee and she was also, we got talking briefly, and as the days went by we just said hi and got talking more, it was always on the off-chance we’d bump into each other but it was very nice, about 2 weeks ago we sat for almost 2 hours and we met up for a drink at a cocktail bar a little over a week ago and we talked about everything, her life, my life. The parts of our lives we dislike, the parts we like. Everything. I saw her yesterday for a coffee. I know if I allow it is, it's going to develop. I know in my head it’s not the right idea, she’s so young (23) and I don’t want to breakup my family, but I feel good inside fully for the first time in a long time.

When I go home, my wife seems distant, not like she used to be when I first knew her. I do love her, and she is usually still the woman I married, but a lot of times she’s just argumentative or complaining about something trivial, like she just wants to moan. I feel like myself when I’m around this other woman. I really don’t want to hurt her feelings, she is a really great person. She’s a beautiful woman, but it’s not about that - relationships to me always were based on emotional attachments and go from there and I feel as emotionally connected to this girl more than anyone since I met my wife. My son is the most important thing to me and I don't want to effect them. I feel really caught between different feelings. Really don't know what to do? Anyone been in anything like this before?

...alternatively get your long suffering wife a Scold's bridle, shag the 23yr old gullible one and have a happy life knowing you got everything you wanted.

OP, of course you don't like some of the replies here. If you scroll around a bit on these boards you will see they are full of women who have been cheated on and lied to by their husbands. The fall out is devastating for everyone. Once you have lost the trust of your partner the love very quickly vanishes, too. Can you imagine a life where your wife actually hates you?

I can tell you one thing for certain, having an affair will not improve your very slightly stale marriage?try taking your wife out for a few cocktails and actually talking to her. It might be fun. Try sitting down at home and sorting out what might make her happier in everyday life. They say sex starts with a man unloading the dishwasher without being asked. Women do not want to feel totally responsible for domestic life, it's better shared.

If all that seems too hard try couples counselling. Marriages are supposed to be worked ate go back and have a look at your wedding vows. Nobody said it was easy.

And sever all contact with the girl. She deserves more,too.

Don't be a walking cliche! And how about you do the stuff your wife asks you to so she doesn't have to 'nag' you. Or even do the stuff needed to run a family without her having to ask you at all, let alone nag. Or you could just sort out your problems by discussing them with a 23 year old who understands you - because of course your wife doesn't understand you!

What is your idea of something trivial your wife is complaining about?

Does she get 2 hours to sit and chat with an attractive person for coffee? Or go out for cocktails with them?

How old is your son? Who is at home looking after him while you are out chatting up women?

If you don't want to be in your marriage then have the decency to end it before looking for a younger, go faster replacement.

Since same sex marriages haven't been around for anywhere near 12 years you can fuck off with your hints that posters have your sex wrong

Is this person you meet for cocktails a girl? You call your wife a beautiful woman, but the other woman is a girl? Unless she is under 18, she is also a woman.
I don't think this is a petty thing to call you out on. Do girls stop being girls when they become mothers? When they become wives?
idk, just musing really

Many of you seem to be under the impression that I am a man, therefore the problem must lie with me.

I read this as bad grammar. I don't think he's saying he is not male, I think he means:

'Many of you seem to be under the impression that because I am a man, the problem must lie with me.'

OP, how long ago was it that she hit you? I would definitely go to the police about that, is she a threat to your child? I'd seriously encourage to remove your child if the child isn't safe. Hitting someone isn't ok.
If you do break up this may help you when it comes to custody

I'd counsel any married man thinking about straying and deluded enough to think there will be no repercussions to just sit down and watch Shrek Forever After. It's the perfect analogy. And you can even watch it with DS: give DW a break.

And what is your wife doung while you spend hours chatting up young girls in coffee shops?

PS my husband would think you're a sad fuck as well.

grow a pair of balls and stop going to the coffee shop and instead put that energy into your family.
Do you think your wife deserves you having an affair?

I can't believe you don't see how utterly pathetic you are, now that you can see what you are doing written down. Read your op again.

I am not saying I am perfect, but if you know the situation, you might understand it better

Ah well now you put it like that fucking the 23yo seems entirely the right thing to do.

Of course you have cheated on your wife! You are dating someone else! Just because you haven't actually swapped bodily fluids does not mean it isn't cheating.

That aside, "nagging" is a horribly sexist thing to say and is often used by people who don't want to listen to what they are being told and so it is being said over and over.

The only acceptable level of violence in a relationship is none. Your main problem is not a "nagging" wife or not even really your exit affair with a more vulnerable younger woman. It is that you are in a relationship with someone who hits you.

Why on earth aren't you concerned that your son is growing up in a household with a violent mother and a father who accepts that treatment? Who sees it as less of an issue than "nagging" or cheating? Do you want him to mode that behaviour as an adult and put up with being hit?

Or switch off to his wife and chase young girls as a solution?

Yes how can you possibly allow yourself to sit around for two hours in a coffee shop unplanned, and go for cocktails, when you have a wife and child at home unless you are slacking on responsibility to be around at home?

Whether or not she has a job, looking after a child is hard and that's what she's left to do while you just enjoy yourself. (With another woman) If this unfair set-up is something you take for granted, I think that might be part of the reason why she''s fed up.

Oh dear.

First, grow up.

Second, recognise just how lucky you are to have your wife and son in your life. I mean really recognise it.

Third, grow up some more, stop going to this coffee shop, start spending quality time with your wife.

And no, I don't think the problem must be with you just because you're a man. I think the problem must be with you because stable, happy people with good self esteem don't try to fuck their loved ones over just because they're a bit bored / tired / stressed / "being nagged". Take a good long look at who you are, and who you want to be. Now imagine your wife never being able to trust another human being again and knowing you did that. Is that really what you want?

Really don't know what to do

I am not sure what you think the options are. Are you seriously asking anyone - let alone the massed ranks of MN - whether you should or should start a relationship with a young woman as a way of addressing the problems in your marriage?

Why is this even a dilemma? Why are you even thinking of being unfaithful to your wife as some kind of remedy? What is your logic for this?

As others have said, if your marriage has reached the end of the line then be honest and end it. Perhaps you are not at the end of it - you have said a few positive things about the woman you chose as the mother of your child. If it is still salvageable and you want to repair the damage then you should go about working on it positively. Your wife does deserve honesty and respect at the very least. She is not getting that from you at the moment and that is reprehensible. If she knew what you had been up to, I think she would rightly be distraught. Your behaviour IS a problem here. You are giving yourself permission to lie to her. Not nice.

Ask yourself what could you do or suggest that would make life better for you as a couple? Is there a major communication breakdown? - which is what it sounds like. If so, you could suggest going to Relate together and finding new ways to communicate. Surely that would be a more positive strategy than fucking another woman. That's got to be the dumbest 'solution' ever to an unhappy marriage.

It's a very familiar and common pattern for a man to feel "unappreciated" and that his wife is no longer the bundle of laughs she used to be, so he prefers the undivided attention of someone young, free and single.

But that's often because when women have children, they can end up with a massively unfair burden of work and responsibility while their husband carries on as he was before - work - free time - bit of the fun aspects of childcare – work - free time. Then he wonders why she's pissed off and no fun any more.

Please see that even if this 23yo is the love of your life, if you run off with her, marry her and have kids with her, if you don't grow up and change your ways, she'll probably end up feeling the same as your wife does now.

If you are not happy then leave - but don't use an excuse as her 'nagging' to justify shagging someone else. Being a martyr does not justify an affair.

You really are following the script to a t. Your poor child. A violent mother and an unfaithful father. About time you started thinking with your head and not your trousers?

Yeah, you're a dick. And a pathetic, cliched dick at that.

HTH.

Also, your posts are very self centred. You say 'most of the time I have a good martiage' ... Two points: a) if that is the case then you seriously need to recognise how lucky you are instead of going searching elsewhere and 2) I think the phrase you're looking for is 'we have a good marriage'. Pretty much says it all mate.

Interesting that when you talk to the new woman about the parts of your life you dislike, it's framed as an 'emotional connection'. Yet when your wife tries to do the same to you it's "nagging".

"I feel as emotionally connected to this girl more than anyone since I met my wife."

And by happy coincidence would she by any chance be around the same age that your wife was when you first got together?