Marriage problems, have developed strong feelings for a younger woman

[dmg117]

I’m 37, married, one son. My wife and I have been married for 12 years. For the past few years I’ve felt as though I’m just getting nagged at all the time. It’s as if everything I do isn’t acceptable to my wife We just seem to go through the motions. I try not to argue back, I can’t stand drama and fighting. I stop most days at a coffee shop near my work. I noticed a girl there sometimes as well, I was standing waiting on my coffee and she was also, we got talking briefly, and as the days went by we just said hi and got talking more, it was always on the off-chance we’d bump into each other but it was very nice, about 2 weeks ago we sat for almost 2 hours and we met up for a drink at a cocktail bar a little over a week ago and we talked about everything, her life, my life. The parts of our lives we dislike, the parts we like. Everything. I saw her yesterday for a coffee. I know if I allow it is, it's going to develop. I know in my head it’s not the right idea, she’s so young (23) and I don’t want to breakup my family, but I feel good inside fully for the first time in a long time.

When I go home, my wife seems distant, not like she used to be when I first knew her. I do love her, and she is usually still the woman I married, but a lot of times she’s just argumentative or complaining about something trivial, like she just wants to moan. I feel like myself when I’m around this other woman. I really don’t want to hurt her feelings, she is a really great person. She’s a beautiful woman, but it’s not about that - relationships to me always were based on emotional attachments and go from there and I feel as emotionally connected to this girl more than anyone since I met my wife. My son is the most important thing to me and I don't want to effect them. I feel really caught between different feelings. Really don't know what to do? Anyone been in anything like this before?

Of course you ' feel good inside fully for the first time in a long time' when you're with this girl.

She's not pinching her nose because you've taken the world's stinkiest dump in the loo minutes before she goes in. She's not rolling her eyes as you tell yet another 'humorous' story. She's not asking you for the umpteenth time to please not leave your smelly socks on the floor.

She's making you feel all manly and knight-like, with a touch of the star-crossed lovers thrown in for good measure. And she makes you feel like you've still 'got it' ("Hey, look at me, I'm the man. Check ME out pulling the young girls.")

If you don't love your wife, be a real man and end your marriage. Then you'll be free to feel as many different emotions as you like, with as many women as will have you.

If you really do love your wife, how about being a real man and putting some effort into your marriage?

You have your thread title wrong, op

the problem is you not your marriage

I do love her, and she is usually still the woman I married, but a lot of times she’s just argumentative or complaining about something trivial, like she just wants to moan.

You mean, she is acting like every other person on the planet, including yourself?

Do you imagine coffeeshop woman would never ever act like a person who knows you well enough to argue and complain, but always and forever speak in the friendly conversational way in which you talk to pleasant people who are not actually part of your life?

Nagging means you arent listening. You are not holding up your part in a bargain. You are letting people down. Maybe your wife, maybe your child or your parents. Maybe yourself. Stop dismissing the words of the person you made promises to and LISTEN and ACT.

If your wife got chatting to someone at a coffee shop do you think she'd be on about school uniforms/bin day/defrosting the freezer? No. Bin your family to shack up with someone else and sooner or later you can say hello to domestic monotony again - unless you put effort in to be a functioning member of the household. Why not just do that with your current family and save them and yourself a lot of upset and stress?

My dh could have posted this op a year ago.

Our marriage was stale, the only talking we did was about the dc, what was for dinner, bills to be paid, all the boring stuff, never about us. We rarely had time alone or went out. We were both just going through the motions.
I knew he saw me as a nag and I was. But a woman only needs to nag if she's not being listened to.

Then I found text messages between dh and a work collegue. They were over friendly, flirty and showed he was spending a lot of time thinking about her.

I threw him out. He was gone two weeks before I agreed to sit down and talk and that two weks had made him realise what he stood to lose. Even though he hadn't had a affair I was devastated and utterly crushed that he had risked our marraige. He didn't want to lose me and what we have built over 20 years. A year on and it's still hard. He feels immense guilt about how much he hurt me and I still struggle to trust him. We are working at spending more time together and putting us first.

Think very carefully about what you want. If you want your marraige to work start taking a flask of coffee to work. Start listening to your wife then she wont need to nag. Go back to being the couple you were, family life is hard and it is bloody hard to make time for yourselves but it is worth it.

My ex is on his third attempt, still hasnt figured that out, Gatorade.

All his kids know exactly what a useless man he is though.

There's seems to be a lot of sexist preconceptions here based on my being a man. I have never cheated on my wife. I work a full time job to provide for my family. I try every day with my wife; I instigate most of the conversations with her. I have never been violent towards my wife, although she has hit me more than once. Most of time, I have a good marriage. But I feel emotionally drained many times, and feel often that my wife takes a lot out on me, and says things 'in the moment' to hurt me. I don't "deserve" this as many seem to be alluding. Many of you seem to be under the impression that I am a man, therefore the problem must lie with me. I thought this would be the case. I am not saying I am perfect, but if you know the situation, you might understand it better. I really appreciate the constructive comments, most are helpful and I would have liked to have responded to them individually if I knew how to! it's given me some ideas of what I should do. Thanks everyone.

Where does your wife think you are when you are in coffee shops and cocktail bars? How does a working family man have two hours in a day to spend talking to a random woman?

Does this young girl know you are married with a child?

dmg it sounds like an emotional affair to me. You are confiding in this other woman, you are confiding about your wife's faults and you are doing all of this behind your wife's back.

I have never been violent towards my wife And?

although she has hit me more than once then leave her, and take your child somewhere safe.

(If you and your wife have been married for 12 years it's not difficult to realise you must be male).

I have never cheated on my wife

Really?

we met up for a drink at a cocktail bar a little over a week ago

If you told your wife you were meeting a young woman who you had been having long 2 hour chats with then, no, you weren't cheating. But if you lied to your wife at all, or ommitted to tell her, then you were cheating.

Which was it?

we talked about everything, her life, my life. The parts of our lives we dislike, the parts we like. Everything.

I take it that she knows you are married then?

Like others have said, if you are not happy in your marriage you should either try to work on it or end it. This applies whether you are male or female.

Don't try to play the 'everyone blames me because I'm a man' card because that won't wash here. We prefer straight talking without the bullshit.

Read what posters have actually taken the time to write. If you want to reply individually, just address each comment to the poster's username.

Or slink away. Your choice.

What do you want us to say to you OP.

Yes, pursue the 23y, follow your heart, God, your wife must be really difficult, you deserve so much more. its obvious what you want to do. Totally what AF said earlier.

If there are problems in your marriage its you and your wifes' job to trash it out and look to resolve it, not sitting in a coffee shop dreaming about a 23 year old.

I remember a number of years ago working in a company and the MD was being discussed, he had left his wife for his secretary, my friend at the time ( also having an affair at work) told me his wife used to hit him with an iron. I roared laughing and the place went silent.

Can't you see how pathetic you story sounds. I am really starting to wonder if this is a wind up!

Many of you seem to be under the impression that I am a man, therefore the problem must lie with me. I thought this would be the case.

then you should have posted elsewhere ?

I work a full time job to provide for my family. Oh that old one?

Why did you laugh at that bjrce?

If your current relationship is bad, SORT IT.

Put forth the effort to fix it, or put forth the effort to end it. Putting forth the effort to find a new partner first is wrong for every possible gender and relationship combination, and worse for any children.

Yes, we are assuming you are male, but you are being a selfish git no matter your gender.

You're a married man going out for drinks with other women. Hence we blame you.

You poor poor love of course you deserve to continue with the affair with the 23 year old

Are there any more justification you would like to add?

my friend at the time ( also having an affair at work) told me his wife used to hit him with an iron. I roared laughing and the place went silent.

Why did you laugh

No-one has said the problem lies with you because you are a man. Posters have said if you are having problems in your marriage you need to discuss them with your wife and see if they can be resolved instead of having secret meetings with a young woman.

An affair won't fix your marriage, it will prop it up if it's not great and if you're lucky you will get away with it. If your wife notices the change in your behaviour and works out you are having an affair then you will be the fucking bastard who devastates those you claim to love and blows your son's life apart.

How unacceptable is that?!

2 hours in the coffee shop wish a young girl... You could spend those 2 hours in building romance and affection with your wife. You could take her out for a dinner or somewhere and make her feel loved, wanted and appreciated.
Women don't nag for nothing...

Listen to not only what she says but also to what she doesn't say...

Gosh, a walking cliché!
Are you not embarrassed at your age to say you've cheated on your wife with a 23yo?
And yes, it's cheating. You upped it to a cocktail bar because knew you wanted to fuck her, you sad cheating arsehole.
Of course she's attractive to you - she's listening to you.
Some 23yo's are quite impressionable and don't spot arseholes quickly because they're young.
I think you should leave your wife because she doesn't deserve an arsehole like you. But do try not to bring down this girl in the process.

What does she nag you about?

I don't give a rat's ass what sex you are but have you tried;

a) Not being a misogynist?
b) Caring about how your wife feels or asking her how she feels?
c) Counselling?