Pregnant and scared - partner is aggressive

[someonehelp]

I've name-changed on here. I am into my second trimester of pregnancy and already have a child from a previous relationship.

My current partner and I have been looking at properties together since we don't live together. We are in fact supposed to be going to see the mortgage advsior tomorrow as we have seen a house we like.

Cut a long story short, we have had difficulties getting along and this was before the pregnancy., He hasn't always treated me well and this has had an effect on our relationship overall. I stayed with him because foolishly I thought he may realise how badly he has treated and would start to treat me better. he promised he would.

Better hasn't really happened - if anything its gone worse. We are now at a stage where I cannot speak to him about anything as he takes it the wrong way and an argument ensues. We have had a consultation for relationship counselling to see if that would help but we are waiting to hear back from them as we have been put on a waiting list.

Since I have found out I am pregnant we have decided we really do need our own place to live and have been quite excited about buying our own home. Recently tho, things have been awful. Every discussion becomes an argument and everything is getting more and more out of control.

He has recently pushed to the floor whilst pregnant. I think last night was the final straw. We had a discussion, it got heated. I asked him to leave my house (it was very late and he did have to be up early for work in the morning but by this point there really was no point in him staying). He started swearing at me 'you f**g silly cow, go and fk yourself. F*k off...' over and over. I asked him to stop as my toddler was in bed next door. He kept on saying it. I asked him to stop repeatedly. Realising I was getting nowhere asking him to stop swearing and keep his voice down I picked up his clothes stupidly, and threatened to throw them out the bedroom window. He punched me on the back of my head hard. I cried, yelled at him to leave, so he picked up my computer (all-in-one) and held it above his head and threatened to throw it out of my bedroom window.

I cannot take any more. I don't know what to do. I cannot stay where I am currently staying as I have another child on the way and there is no room. I was excited about getting a mortgage (we have a decision in principle and looks likely we will get this property). Now it has all fallen apart around me.

I feel relationship counselling is a futile exercise even tho it was my suggestion in the first place and I booked the initial visit. This isn't something a counsellor can fix. This has been on-going for quite some time and I don't know how to handle any situation anymore as no matter what, it turns nasty.

I am scared but even more scared of being a single mum to 2 young children. I don't know how my life ended up like this. I am usually so confident and fairly intelligent and here I am crying my eyes out in what appears to be a bleak pit. I should be looking forward to my future with my partner and my children hopefully in a house we can call our own. Mortgage advisor expects to see us tomorrow.

What the hell do I do??

Oh I am sorry he has been so awful. I think, though, that you know what to do. You say yourself, you cannot stay with him. You really can't. If not for yourself, then for your little toddler and new baby.

Do you have much support from family etc? Could you go and stay with someone for a little bit, so you aren't on your own?

I can only give you a personal opinion and some sympathy OP. The situation you describe is intolerable and not good for your existing DC as well as you and your unborn baby. I also think you know that to tie yourself together with this man and property will only bring you more stress and heartache, not to mention potential physical aggression. He's shown who he is and he really isn't going to change by the sound of it.

Stay calm and gather the resources that you can get together in terms of family and friend support and working out your finances as a single parent.

As usual I would suggest you contact your local Women's Aid, who will offer support and advice.

Please, plesae don't live with him/buy a house.

This is not normal and is effecting both your children (born and unborn). They will hear the arguments and pick up on your emotions.

He is not only abusing you, but is emotional abusing your child through DV.

This is not a life.

I would rather be single than endure this.

Please, please call womens aid/the police.

End the relationship. Now.

You must not buy a house with this man.

He is dangerous. Attacking you, particularly when you are in such a vulnerable state is beyond the pale.

Being a single mum isn't great. Being a battered mum is truly crap. Being a dead mum is a bit shit for the kids. Women being killed by violent partners isn't a once in a blue moon event and you are at risk of joining those statistics if you stay with this violent arsewipe of a man.

First off - if you can manage it, phone the police on 101 and report the assault - because that's what it was. Contact women's aid for support - website - has directory of local phone numbers.

Second - you talk of "my house" - does that mean you live separately at the moment? If so, change the locks, pack up his belongings, text him to say he can make an appointment to collect them, and make sure you have a big burly male relative/friend with you when he comes round.

As for space - you will cope. Your baby can share the room with you for the first year. Presumably your other child has its own bedroom - bunk beds will accommodate both (even if different sexes, this is fine till the older one hits puberty). Yes, parenting on your own can be scary (I'm a single parent) but it's a hell of a lot less scary than parenting with a man who punches you in the head.

The mortgage appointment needs to be cancelled. Any reputable counsellor will tell you couples relationship counselling is strongly recommended against where one partner is being abusive. (And there is no relationship to save - he has punched you in the head: that's game over).

Finally, you are a strong woman - you can do this. There is no shame in being suckered by a man who turns out to be an abusive arsehole. They don't come with "abuser" usefully tattooed on their forehead, and many of them will target strong independent women because they get off on some sort of weird twisted sense of the challenge it presents. The shame attaches to the abuser, and the abuser alone.

report him to the police, and please seek help from Women's Aid. He will get worse. Please protect yourself and your children. He is abusive and dangerous - 1 blow to the head could kill you.

Do not buy a house with this man!! If he is this aggressive while you are carrying his child he will be worse once the baby is born and if you have a house together you will feel even more trapped!.

You can stay in your home at least for 12 months as babies do not take up that much room and can share with you or your toddler.

For the sake of your children end the relationship immediately!!!

A man who punches a pregnant woman is a waste of space.

A man who punches a pregnant woman while her child is in the next room? He's awful.

Do not buy a house with him. You will be tied to him.

You absolutely can stay where you are - can it fit a Moses basket in? There you go. Better a bit cramped than exposing your children to a violent bully.

He won't change. He really won't. If by some miracle he went away, worked on himself and completely changed, you could buy a house together then. But he won't change and you can't risk your or your children's emotional or physical safety hoping that he will.

Hey, I'm going through a similar circumstance at the moment sweetheart and there's been some really lovely people on here, please feel free to join my thread, it shares my story and may help you find some peace/answers. I'm also here if you would like to PM :)

Punching you in the back of the head? Threatening to throw your pc out of the window?

What a bully. Op you are in a very dangerous abusive relationship.

You need to call the police. There will be a next time. If I was you I would be asking about Clare's Law and looking to see if this man has previous convictions against women.

You are never going to get the fairytale ending with him. Having a baby with him is going to put you at his mercy even more.

You still love him right? Nasty people have good points but how long is it before he hurts you in front of your children?

Hitting when pregnant? Disgusting. Absolutely disgusting excuse for a human.

You can stay where you are, put baby in your room.

I think if you move in with him and get a mortgage your life is going to be utterly miserable.

Your children deserve so much more.

How far are you in the pregnancy?

OP I have been a single mum to two young children and it's FINE

This guy needs out of your life permanently. I would be seeking to move away, as far way as possible from him, and have no more contact whatsoever. If that might be an option - sorry, not sure of your circumstances.

Also please phone 101 and make a report of his behaviour to the police - they will not take action unless/until you ask them to however they will maintain the record of it in case you need to cite it in future.

Also be careful about leaving, as in, don't tell him you are considering it. He could become a lot more dangerous if he realises.

Could you talk to Womens Aid? They are usually very helpful and can provide a lot of good advice.

Oh sweetheart. I bought a house with my violent abuser, because I was pregnant, because the process was underway and I felt I couldn't back out: I went to the bank with death in my soul to sign the mortgage agreement a day after he had threatened to kill me. Of course I could have backed out, and of course we split and sold the house a year later, at a great loss. I lost a lot of money, but at least I didn't lose my life. You know that tying yourself to this man financially is not a good idea, nor is it likely to last, but otoh you can only move at your own pace, and that's ok.

There is no saving this relationship. It's only a matter of when and how you extricate yourself, now. It's ok to be scared of the unknown, and scared of being alone. (Although of course the healthy part of you knows that it is far more scary to be with, and raise children with, a man who punches you and turns nasty at the drop of a hat).

Your intelligence and confidence will stand you in good stead as you put in place the steps you need to get you and your children out and safe. I'm glad to hear that you currently have separate places. This is a great advantage, and will ease the split for you. Don't remove this advantage by moving in with him.

You ask "What the hell do I do?". Here's what I recommend:

• Don't sign a mortgage or buy a house with him. Call the mortgage advisor and cancel the meeting, you don't need to give them a reason. To your partner, say that you want more time to think about things. Lie if you must. Doesn't matter how this makes you look in his eyes: he already has sufficient contempt for you to punch you, so you can't really fall much further in his eyes.

• Speak to people in RL about how he treats you. Good, supportive friends, who can give you emotional support. And speak to the police: log the fact that he punched you. You will want to be on their radar when you leave him, and are at greatest risk.

• Decide what day and location you will be when you tell him it is over. Then inform the police that you will be ending a relationship with a violent man at x time and place, in case you need them to intervene, as you will be at risk of violence. Stay with a friend if you can, at this time. You will not be imposing: people want to help. I had the keys to 2 different friends' houses when I left my violent ex, in case I needed to go to a secret place of safety. They offered them because they were concerned for me. Other people will want to help you too, once they know what you are going through. Open up to them.

• Ask for specific help. Tell friend A you need a listening ear, tell friend B you need fun and distractions, tell friend C you need shelter for a week or two, tell the police that you want them to know your background and address for rapid reaction from them in case of need. You can take control of this process and of your safety by reaching out for help from all sorts of different sources.

Good luck. You have all the strength and capacities you need to see you and DC through this difficult time.

This man is dangerous. It sounds like you know what you need to do, you just need some kind words and encouragement.

You don't need to move just yet, baby can stay in your room for ages. Stay where you are and keep him at a distance. Do not stay with him until your self esteem is so low you can no longer tell right from wrong.

Do you have family and friends nearby who can support you?

Thanks for all the replies. Sorry if it takes a while to respond, I'm at work trying to hold it together and occasionally sneak onto a PC when I get chance.

Quitelikely - I'm 15 weeks pregnancy, still got nausea and vomiting. My head is throbbing today. He told me he only slapped it but I definitely felt a fist as opposed to an open hand and no slap could hurt this much still.

The whole thing started with me discussing tax credits and how I would have to let them know about my change in circumstances if I was to get this house. He got uppity about when exactly I should be telling them. That was enough to warrant an argument that turned nasty it appears.

I don't know how to talk to this man, I have difficulties expressing anything around as I know that he takes things the wrong way all too often - things most people wouldn't bat an eyelid at. He's 14 years older than me, I'm 29. He talks to me like I am a child. I try to rise above his jibes but to no avail. I plead with him not to do things for the sake of my toddler in the house but once he is in a rage there is nothing I can do or say, all is lost.

I have got to a point where I try to imagine our discussions with everyday people I see: my parents, my friends, people I work with etc. just to 'imagine' what I think their reaction would be and no matter how hard I think about it, I cannot see a way in which anyone else would react like he does with me. The thing is he doesn't behave like this with anyone else. So is it just me??? I try and imagine my friends relationships and wonder if their partners are like this or is it just mine.

I'm crying again in work! I don't how things have got to this point. I feel like taking my son and running away and raising both my children alone :'( I felt so so guilty dropping him off at pre-school this morning. All I wanted to do was hug and kiss him all day and tell him how sorry I am for allowing him to endure our arguments (luckily he stayed asleep last night while all this was going on). I love my son so much, he is the happiest little fella I have ever seen and he brings me so much joy and I feel like I am damaging him. I am so so low

He punched you on the back of your head, hard. Game over.

How many times on here have women talked about their kind, loving partner turning into an aggressive, violent bully when they fall pregnant ? You're on page 1 of the script, you know how the rest of the story goes.

From your post it looks as though you've already lived life as a single mum. You can do it with two. Space may be at a premium in a couple of years time, but your children need a healthy, happy mum, not a bigger bedroom.

As others have said, thank your lucky stars that you have your own place. Change the locks, and send somebody round to his place with his stuff. Report his assault on you to the police. He's an utter shit.

I'm sorry you've had such an awful experience when you were hoping your life was taking a different direction. Counselling is totally inappropriate in your circumstances. Make this real, tell your family and/or friends what he's done. They'll support you.

You're a decent person with a bright future, he's nothing. Do blokes tell their mates down the pub that they've punched their pregnant girlfriend ? It makes me sick just to think of it.

What advice would you give to your daughter if she was in this position?

How would you forgive yourself if next time he decided to punch one of your children in the head instead of you?

If you move in together after what has happened, the message you're giving is that you find his behaviour acceptable, and you remove any incentive to change.

You need to report the assault and take yourself and your children out of this dangerous environment.

The thing is he doesn't behave like this with anyone else. So is it just me???

No, it's quite clearly proof that it is him, and that he is able to switch it on and off, and therefore chooses to treat you like this.

I feel like taking my son and running away and raising both my children alone

Listen to your instinct. I mean, keep your job for the time being, but listen to what your gut is telling you about raising your children on your own.

You need to get checked out - and you need to tell a dr/midwife what he has done to you. You shouldn't have to walk on eggshells with anyone. Slap or punch makes no difference. He hurt you. Your only choice is to end the relationship. And he needs arresting for assault.

LTB. There's no way you should be even entertaining the thought of staying with him. You may think it's worth chancing he won't hit you again. But what about your children? Are you prepared to chance the fact he might raise an abusive hand to them too?

No its not you, its him. He is 43, treats you like a recalcitrant child and inherently violent (he perhaps grew up in a violent household) and would have acted the same regardless of whichever woman he hooked up with.

He targeted you OP and suckered you right in there; he was probably all sweetness and light in the early days and too good to be true. Now you are seeing the real him, violence usually starts when the woman (whom they regard really as their possession) becomes pregnant. Such men like this individual as well hate women, all of them.

Do precisely as GoatsDoRoam suggests. Your children need you their mother more than ever now; they will only become damaged if you were to stay with this person. Use Womens Aid to free yourself from this dangerous person, get all this logged with the authorities.

Under Claire's Law, the police will tell you if he has a history of DV. I would be very surprised if he suddenly pulled this out of the bag for the first time at 43.

That might help to put things into perspective about how likely he is to change.

The thing is he doesn't behave like this with anyone else. So is it just me??? I try and imagine my friends relationships and wonder if their partners are like this or is it just mine.

Obviously you don't know for definite what goes on behind closed doors, but being punched and sworn at by your partner is NOT normal.

He treats you this way because he's a bloody coward (pretty sure he wouldn't try to punch a big burly man in the head) and because he thinks you'll put up with it. The fact he can be nice to others shows that h's being deliberately horrible to you, because he gets a kick out of making you miserable. That's what bullies do.

Please get some help and support on side today so you can make the break. Do NOT go to the appointment tomorrow. If you can't face ringing the police on 101 yet, please call Womens Aid tonight (lines are usually quieter after 7pm) and ask their advice on how to leave this relationship safely.

Abusive men often ramp up the attacks when their victim falls pregnant. Please don't think for a minute that his behaviour will ever improve. He will only become more and more violent, he will certainly start hitting the children.

I agree with goats - your instinct is spot on, someonehelp - it's telling you to run, and that's exactly what you should do.

You don't know how to talk to him because he is emotionally abusive and won't let you talk to him. That's his failing, not yours.

Log the assault with the police, talk to women's aid, and plan to end the relationship in the safest way you can, as soon as you can.

You must not put up with this behaviour another second. Ask him to leave your house. Don't buy a house together. It sounds a nightmare relationship which is just going to get worse.