Pregnant and scared - partner is aggressive

[someonehelp]

I've name-changed on here. I am into my second trimester of pregnancy and already have a child from a previous relationship.

My current partner and I have been looking at properties together since we don't live together. We are in fact supposed to be going to see the mortgage advsior tomorrow as we have seen a house we like.

Cut a long story short, we have had difficulties getting along and this was before the pregnancy., He hasn't always treated me well and this has had an effect on our relationship overall. I stayed with him because foolishly I thought he may realise how badly he has treated and would start to treat me better. he promised he would.

Better hasn't really happened - if anything its gone worse. We are now at a stage where I cannot speak to him about anything as he takes it the wrong way and an argument ensues. We have had a consultation for relationship counselling to see if that would help but we are waiting to hear back from them as we have been put on a waiting list.

Since I have found out I am pregnant we have decided we really do need our own place to live and have been quite excited about buying our own home. Recently tho, things have been awful. Every discussion becomes an argument and everything is getting more and more out of control.

He has recently pushed to the floor whilst pregnant. I think last night was the final straw. We had a discussion, it got heated. I asked him to leave my house (it was very late and he did have to be up early for work in the morning but by this point there really was no point in him staying). He started swearing at me 'you f**g silly cow, go and fk yourself. F*k off...' over and over. I asked him to stop as my toddler was in bed next door. He kept on saying it. I asked him to stop repeatedly. Realising I was getting nowhere asking him to stop swearing and keep his voice down I picked up his clothes stupidly, and threatened to throw them out the bedroom window. He punched me on the back of my head hard. I cried, yelled at him to leave, so he picked up my computer (all-in-one) and held it above his head and threatened to throw it out of my bedroom window.

I cannot take any more. I don't know what to do. I cannot stay where I am currently staying as I have another child on the way and there is no room. I was excited about getting a mortgage (we have a decision in principle and looks likely we will get this property). Now it has all fallen apart around me.

I feel relationship counselling is a futile exercise even tho it was my suggestion in the first place and I booked the initial visit. This isn't something a counsellor can fix. This has been on-going for quite some time and I don't know how to handle any situation anymore as no matter what, it turns nasty.

I am scared but even more scared of being a single mum to 2 young children. I don't know how my life ended up like this. I am usually so confident and fairly intelligent and here I am crying my eyes out in what appears to be a bleak pit. I should be looking forward to my future with my partner and my children hopefully in a house we can call our own. Mortgage advisor expects to see us tomorrow.

What the hell do I do??

I try and imagine my friends relationships and wonder if their partners are like this or is it just mine.

No love, they're not. My husband cherished me when I was pregnant - foot rubs, making nausea friendly food, telling me how wonderful I was etc. He's not exceptional. Neither am I. We're normal and normal relationships don't have fear, violence or bullying.

Do not let him bully you into buying a house. At 43 he may be panicing about getting a mortgage? Do not allow him to guilt you into a prison. Just you stay in your house and extricate yourself as soon as you can.

If your head is still hurting you need to get checked over. Please see a doctor or go to a&e. You may have concussion.

You know this isn't going yo work out and you need to report the assaults to the police. This can help you get a restraining order at a later date if it's needed, report everything, record everything and safeguard yourself and your dc.

He won't change. Ever. It will get worse and you need to be happy not walking on eggshells.

Every time he hits you and you stay, you are effectively giving him the message that his abuse is acceptable.

Op, cross posted with you and GoatsDoRoam. Goats post is brilliant, is that a path you think you could go down ?

Please have a virtual tissue for your tears from me. It's a horrible time for you, so upsetting and disappointing. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship many years ago, no physical violence. My partner was also quite a few years older - that's very common. Without knowing either of you I can assure you that his behaviour is saved just for you. Most abusers are charming to others. It all creeps up on you and you find yourself, an intelligent and confident woman, wondering how you got here.

You say you feel like raising both your children on your own; I think you know on some level that this is the reality of what is coming.

Do you think you should go to the GPs and get your head checked out if it's still hurting ?

He could have killed you hitting you there. Please please let the reality of this sink in, and start standing up for yourself, for your little boy, for your life, because he is actively threatening all these things.

Someone has to stand up for you guys. It sure as hell won't be this bloke.

there.

Please please go and see and doctor about your head. Please get it documented.

If he wants to see you...fake something...go and stay with friends.

Call womens aid.

That is the frightening thing OP. Although you are being damaged right now so is your son.

This is how your partner became an abuser. Growing up he witnessed or was subjected to abuse himself. His patterns are ingrained in him and he will be forever damaged.

Your son does not have to see physical violence to grow up with domestic violence. The day to day relationship you have with that man will influence your son hugely. It's how we all learn and develop our relationship patterns when we are older.

A lot of women in your shoes who say that their kids loved their abusive dh or dp are often surprised when he leaves and the child expresses their happiness that he has gone. Not only that but the child comes out of their shell in ways the mother had not seen before.

Would you consider a termination?

Please don't subject your son and self to this man.

Please don't believe him when he says he is sorry. No doubt he will be nice to you for a few days now, begging etc.

And asking about tax credits is a perfectly reasonable question. I'm wondering if he knows he will have to financially support you when that happens which is why he got upset?

Is he greedy? Because watch out. Men like him often leave the wife to live on the CB and TC, keeping their salary to themselves.

I feel as though you are about to go down a very dark path if you stick with this man OP.

If you do stick with him, always come back here for support as and when you need it.

Do you have family nearby? Have you told anyone what happened? Do those closest to you like him?

I'm so sorry. You don't deserve this. He is not a good man. He will not be a good father or role model for you children.

I hate to use this word but, you are lucky that he has shown his true colours now. There is every chance that this is just the start. It's time to show your true colours too. You are not a victim. He can not treat you like this.

Do you have family or friends near by who can support you and be with you whilst you get rid of him?

You will be better off in a small house with you and your children safe than in a mansion with a man who is happy to abuse a pregnant woman he professes to love.

Good luck x

Thanks again all, and sorry I'm busy at work.

Yes I have family and friends nearby. He knows he will have to support his family, he keeps claiming this is what he wants the four of us to be - a family.

He is very, very money orientated tho, a trait which I have told him on a few occasions doesn't come across as attractive. As for greedy, he can be generous in many ways and selfish in many others. An example of his kindness - he took me and my son to York recently for a couple of days and paid for everything.

An example of his selfishness some months back: He has £20k+ 'tied up in shares' and knows I have some savings. He asked me if he could borrow some money. Usually I would say yes but this was a tight month - clutch went on my car plus I always have to budget for nursery fees and my fuel/food shop. On this one occasion he asked, I said no and gave my legitimate reasons. He wouldn't accept no for an answer. When I told him to sell some of his shares (a complete bone of contention in our relationship) he hit the roof, barking at me that he couldn't do that cos his shares were destined to go up soon and if I forced him to sell he would be gutted with me. His exact words.

This particular argument: He basically thinks that because I get WTC and CTC as a single parent, if I let HMRC know 'too early' on that I have bought a house (it is not ready to move into yet - needs work doing which he is/was going to do won't be ready to live in for a couple of months) then we will get in trouble for fraud(???).

I asked how that can that be possible when I receive WTC due to the number of hours I work and my childcare fees and CTC as I'm technically a lone parent. I explained to him that since I don't claim HB we are not doing anything fraudulent. His comeback to that was that because he stops over a few nights a week he thinks that HMRC will think he is 'supporting' me.

I can prove he is not, he doesn't support me financially. He may take me and my son for day trips out etc but I pay my rent, my shopping, my bills. My childcare expenses come out of a combo of my wages and WTC. When I explained this to him he started getting angry 'Will you just f**king listen' sort of thing. I'm constantly asking him not to swear, not because I don't swear, I just don't swear at him, I don't like it, I find it vulgar someone has to swear to get their point across.

He continued to get more riled and thus argument followed by me getting punched and my computer almost being smashed.

I have been weighing up for some time re getting a mortgage with mainly cos of how we are. I pulled out of getting a mortgage a while back due to how we are. He hit the roof over that as well.

I'm wondering why I've put up with him for so long. Everyone seems to like him, my family included even though they know we've had our arguments. I genuinely fell for him at the start of our relationship, he used me sexually, meanwhile he was chasing other women. I ditched him off in the early days and he got all jealous when I started briefly dating someone else. He then decided he wanted me back and when I asked why, half-hoping he'd changed his ways he listed his main three reasons as, "you're young, you're beautiful and you love me". Haunts me to this day. Have I outed myself on this post?

We've been together ever since but to say this relationship is sub-standard is a joke.... I could write a book.

Sorry to go on, I had to offload

Sorry if I have confused anyone. I know that when I officially move into this house with him I will probably stop receiving WTC and CTC as we won't need it. But I was planning on ringing HMRC if I did get mortgage acceptance in advance of moving in that my circumstances would be due to change and would let them know again in when I have the exact move date.

Don't ask me why I am like this, it's more that I want to keep everything above board with HMRC. His gripe is that if I let them know before we move in we could get done for fraud because he currently stops at my privately rented place a few nights a week. I explained that as I do not claim housing benefit and he does not support me financially they will have nothing to investigate.

Quitelikely - yes I did consider a termination early on in pregnancy as the timing was awful.

He said he would like to keep the child and truthfully I would though I know our circumstances are far from ideal. I've seen my baby on my scan now and don't think I could go ahead with a termination. I must admit it did cross my mind last night tho, but I love this baby too much

I'm not sure who is right and who is wrong regarding HMC. All I know is that you cannot stay with a person who will react to an argument about finances by punching you in the back of the head.

It is a very unusual thing to attack a person from behind. It's not instinctive. It's calculated and it's really bloody sinister.

Please start to gather your resources and support network and start planning to leave this relationship. He's a dangerous bastard. And don't tell him you are planning to leave him.

Please leave him. This is only going to get worse. Abuse often starts in pregnancy and then gets worse when you are at your most vulnerable. He punched you! He could have done some serious harm. And even if it had 'just' been a slap, it's enough reason to leave, it's just going to escalate. Please talk to your family/friends and/or midwife - as well as Women's Aid and police.

Tax credits and when to end the claim are the least of your problems OP.!!!

Please stop focusing on this stuff and start focusing on the real problem.

Your DP assaulted you and if that wasn't bad enough he did so knowing you are pregnant and with your toddler in the next room!!!
You need to end this relationship now before you tie yourself and your children to him. Seriously it is much harder to leave a D & V relationship when you live with the man and rely on them.

He will NOT change. He is a nasty piece of work and he will hit you again and next time it could result in something much worse. Please I beg you think of the safety of your children.....why would you want them around a man that hits pregnant women???

Echoing everyone else - this man is dangerous, emotionally and physically abusive. He has committed domestic violence towards you when you are vulnerable. If a stranger punched or slapped you in the head you would report them to the police - not move in with them. Please get out of this relationship and report it to the police to safeguard your unborn child. If there is no record of his violence now in the future you will have to hand over your child to him. If you have this on record then you will have more recourse to get support or supervised contact etc.

Please please listen to your gut instinct. Don't move in with this man. He will cause you and your dc irreparable damage.

Punching you in the back of the head? I'm so horrified to read this. When you are in an abusive relationship you suddenly find yourself in situations you never ever dreamed you would be in. This is because these men progress to these depths in degrees.

I speak from experience and cannot encourage you strongly enough to tell.someone what he has done. Tell the police - tell your midwife - tell someone you love. He is depending on your silence in order to get away with this. Once you have said it out loud, the reality of your position might start to sink in. This man is absolutely dangerous, I can't stress that enough.

I should add that regardless of whether or not you progress with this pregnancy or not, you and your dc will be better off away from this man. I also think it's vital there's a formal record of these assaults if he is to be the father of one of your children .

someonehelp,

Re your comment:-

"As for greedy, he can be generous in many ways and selfish in many others. An example of his kindness - he took me and my son to York recently for a couple of days and paid for everything".

No, that is not him being kind; that to him is further proof of his ownership of you. You have no say or power. He can then say, "look what I have done for you".

If you buy a house with him that is and will be a gross error of judgement of your part; you simply must not do that. He will use that property to simply further trap you.

Why have you put up with him for so long?. That is a good question and one you should consider in great depth. Your family have only seen his so called good side; they would undoubtedly be horrified if they knew the full extent of his abuse. Abuse as well thrives on secrecy, do not keep this secret any more from the outside world.

You need to escape him before his abuse of you and by turn your children escalates even further. His abuse of you has escalated markedly in the last few months and particularly since you became pg by him as well. He sees his child as a further reason to keep you trapped; he does not think you are capable of leaving. You are now seeing the real him and the real him inside is ugly to behold.

Is this the life you want or even envisaged for your son let alone this unborn child you are carrying?.

Womens Aid need to be contacted OP: this individual could well land you in hospital. You need help and support from them and the likes of the authorities and your family to leave.

^^ Absolutely everything that Attila has said.

Please, please listen to everyone here!
You MUST NOT stay with this beast. Things will get worse, not better, and your children are at risk.
And something I heard years ago which has always stuck with me - if someone hits you they don't like you very much. Sounds simple and obvious. It is.

HMRC is the very least of your problems honestly and not something that is vitally important now. This man is a far bigger problem and one who could all too easily do you serious harm and put you in hospital or even the morgue.

Perhaps too you're focussing on that because you'd perhaps be doing the unthinkable otherwise i.e. making firm plans to tell others with the aim of leaving this individual.

Oh my goodness why are you even considering a mortgage with this creep, he has seriously assaulted you, your child will grow up a nervous wreck listening to his aggression, is that really what you want, he seems to argue with every single word you say - that's not love, that's control, and it's not normal, the guy is a psycho.

Seriously, one extra child will be hard but it's doable, I have loads of friends who have brought up two, three, four kids, alone!

Please value yourself more than this and think of the baby, what a horrible life to bring a child into, I can't fathom out what you want to stay with him for - you'd be better off on benefits, he sounds a miserable git who only spends money when it suits him, not you.

At least tell him to FA meantime, and don't make any future plans with him unless he can have a personality transplant but at 43 that's highly unlikely.

OP, reading your story is like watching a car crash in slow motion. Please call women's aid and tell someone in rl. Please.

Do not move in with him.

Do not tie yourself financially to him.

Tell your friends and family that he is violent and you need their help getting away from him.

Dump his sorry arse.

Every time he kicks off call the police and tell them what happens.

Get the locks changed.

Get his stuff returned to him by anyone other than you.

You do not need much space short term for a baby. It can be in the same room as you. So that gives you a year or more to sort your head out.

You would be insane to carry on down this path with the warnings you already have.

Protect yourself and your soon to be 2 DC.

Please leave.