Pregnant and scared - partner is aggressive

[someonehelp]

I've name-changed on here. I am into my second trimester of pregnancy and already have a child from a previous relationship.

My current partner and I have been looking at properties together since we don't live together. We are in fact supposed to be going to see the mortgage advsior tomorrow as we have seen a house we like.

Cut a long story short, we have had difficulties getting along and this was before the pregnancy., He hasn't always treated me well and this has had an effect on our relationship overall. I stayed with him because foolishly I thought he may realise how badly he has treated and would start to treat me better. he promised he would.

Better hasn't really happened - if anything its gone worse. We are now at a stage where I cannot speak to him about anything as he takes it the wrong way and an argument ensues. We have had a consultation for relationship counselling to see if that would help but we are waiting to hear back from them as we have been put on a waiting list.

Since I have found out I am pregnant we have decided we really do need our own place to live and have been quite excited about buying our own home. Recently tho, things have been awful. Every discussion becomes an argument and everything is getting more and more out of control.

He has recently pushed to the floor whilst pregnant. I think last night was the final straw. We had a discussion, it got heated. I asked him to leave my house (it was very late and he did have to be up early for work in the morning but by this point there really was no point in him staying). He started swearing at me 'you f**g silly cow, go and fk yourself. F*k off...' over and over. I asked him to stop as my toddler was in bed next door. He kept on saying it. I asked him to stop repeatedly. Realising I was getting nowhere asking him to stop swearing and keep his voice down I picked up his clothes stupidly, and threatened to throw them out the bedroom window. He punched me on the back of my head hard. I cried, yelled at him to leave, so he picked up my computer (all-in-one) and held it above his head and threatened to throw it out of my bedroom window.

I cannot take any more. I don't know what to do. I cannot stay where I am currently staying as I have another child on the way and there is no room. I was excited about getting a mortgage (we have a decision in principle and looks likely we will get this property). Now it has all fallen apart around me.

I feel relationship counselling is a futile exercise even tho it was my suggestion in the first place and I booked the initial visit. This isn't something a counsellor can fix. This has been on-going for quite some time and I don't know how to handle any situation anymore as no matter what, it turns nasty.

I am scared but even more scared of being a single mum to 2 young children. I don't know how my life ended up like this. I am usually so confident and fairly intelligent and here I am crying my eyes out in what appears to be a bleak pit. I should be looking forward to my future with my partner and my children hopefully in a house we can call our own. Mortgage advisor expects to see us tomorrow.

What the hell do I do??

He punched you in the back of the head.

His excuse was that it was a slap, not a punch. Ergo slapping you is fine.

Please call the police and end this relationship.

I'm currently pregnant and my husband would think of flying to the moon before slapping the back of my head. It really isn't normal.

Good luck lovely xx

Thank you all.

I am NOT getting back with him. I can't do that.

I'm in a predicament tho. I need somewhere to live as defo cannot stay here. Mortgage is now out the question.

With regards to my job I work 4 days a week with a long commute there and back. I find this difficult enough as it is with a toddler. I get the feeling I am gonna sink real fast if I attempt to return to work Wong a single mum to both a toddler and new born. I never have any time for my son or myself as it is. A newborn in the mix will be chaos. Is it worth thinking about not returning to work? I feel like I would be throwing a lot away however I think when it comes to the crunch I think my health and my kids will suffer. I got bad pnd when I went back to work after mat leave.

Maybe I'm just over thinking my future which looks very uncertain right now.

I can do this can't I? I can be a single mum to 2 young ones

"He told me he only slapped it but I definitely felt a fist as opposed to an open hand and no slap could hurt this much still."
So he has a hierarchy then of what kinds of assault are 'ok'? Slap yes but punching no? What a tosser. he should be grovelling and admitting that he shouldn't have hit you at all, not basically telling you to get over yourself because it wasn't as bad as you're making out.
There's great advice on this thread from lots of people. There are organisations that will help you. He won't.

I wish you all the best xx

Yes you can be a single mother to two children.

Have you considered going back part time after your maternity ends?

I'm worried for you op. I think he is going to win you over.

He punched you in the head whilst you were carrying his baby and your other baby was next door.

I know it seems like we are all being dramatic but truly it's because we know the writing is on the wall.

The frightening thing is that the abuse ALWAYS escalates. So this time it was a punch, next time who knows what it's going to be.

You'll be walking on eggshells with him and your son will know it.

Does he know the amount of money you will be losing each month and that he will have to share his income with you?

There is no way on earth I would have a baby to this man. What type of role model is he going to be?

You may well still have an attraction to him now but in a few years you will hate him, you could be trapped with him if you give up your job too.

If you stay with him please don't give up your job

Quite likely - we talked about me going back 2 days a week but because of the role I do I'm not whether it would be feasible unless I could convince my employers to take me on a job share basis. Not sure how likely that would be tho.

The first time I pulled out of getting a mortgage, I told him my heart wasn't in the property when deep down its not in the relationship. I also discussed the possibility of not going back to work with him.

Initially he said this was ok but he soon changed. He suggested that I pretend to be a single mum after my child is born so that I could get housing benefit so not pay as much rent. And he would stay at his mums house and not pay any rent so it would give him chance to build up some more money so we could eventually buy a better house. I told him that was a ridiculous idea and that it was most definitely defrauding the system not to mention the fact that I would need practical support on a day to day basis. He flipped out at me saying he wasn't prepared to graft his balls off in a job he hates, paying rent which is dead money just so he can pay for me to take time off work. He went absolutely ape, I had to call my brother over.

Why is he like this??

LTB.

That is the first and only time I have ever said that on here, but I really cannot see that there is any alternative. Game over, and there is no relationship to save. Your partner is a violent and dangerous arsewipe.

Speak to the police to report the assault. Go the the GP to get your head checked out as it is still sore. Change your locks. Speak to your family and friends to put them all in the picture asap (today).

Do not answer the door to him, and if necessary call the police to remove him if he should refuse to leave you alone.

Nothing about this relationship is normal. He punched you in the head. He could have killed you and left your little boy motherless. It hardly bears thinking about.

Whatever you do, do NOT buy a house with him. It will be a disaster.

Confide in someone at work about what happened if you can, so that you can be given understanding and time off to go and get yourself checked over.

Can you take yourself and your little boy to stay with your family for a few nights while you get the locks changed and chuck any of his stuff out of your house? They might pamper you a bit and help you to feel more human again.

I would actually take him up on the idea of him staying at his Mum's house.

It would get him out of your house, enabling you to change the locks and never let him come back in.

He can go and stay there, and stay out of your life while he is at it.

Love, I don't think you're seeing the seriousness of this.

He punched you hard in the head. You are still in pain.

You are pregnant and he has pushed you to the floor.

Firstly, have you seen a doctor to get checked out? The doctor can make a note of what happened- you may need evidence in future if you are trying to protect your baby from being forced into unsupervised contact with a violent father.

Secondly- please got to the police. Again, you need evidence of his violence to be recorded.

He's like this because he is a violent thug who enjoys inflicting violence on a pregnant woman. It'll never get better.

Far better to be a safe single mother than dead at the hands of this brute, leaving two children motherless and in his care.

Leave this violent thug.
The violence will get worse as your pregnancy progresses.
Keep you and your children safe

Op,
I am so sorry that you are going through this.
It hard to find the words to reiterate all the good advice you have had and to be honest you sound like you have your head firmly on your shoulders.
You need to leave him safely and soon. You can do this, this time next year you can be happy, safe and independent. The dark side of this is that you can do it because everyone reading this knows that you have to. Just saying it aloud makes me feel queezy. He punched you in the head from behind. He pushed you to the ground. If you stay it will escalate from here. He is following his script to a tee.... The very real danger is that it doesn't have far to go before becoming potentially fatal (already was last night). Two women a week in the UK die this waY.
Please, please don't become a statistic. for you and your precious babies

It really doesn't matter WHY he's like this, OP. It sounds as if you know in your in your mind that this has to stop here. Ffs quibbling between a punch or a slap. NEITHER is acceptable! Please don't get a mortgage with this man. Gather people around to help if you can. Sounds like your brother could be useful for a start.

I'm sure it is hard to be a single mum of two, but so much easier than being in an abusive relationship and trying to protect the children at the same time.

Don't worry about why he does that, worry about why you put up with it.

Just one more thing, please do not put his name on the birth cert. You can decide in time whether you want your baby to have contact with his/her father and whether he is capable of being a good father, but such an abusive person with parental rights will use them to continue to make your life hell.

PS. You can still get child support from him even if he isn't on the birth cert

It isn't looking like an easy ride workwise if you stay with him though.

It's better to be on benefit than with someone dangerous - that's what the system is set up for among other things. It sounds as though you have a good job and relevant skills and could fairly easily get back in after a year or two, anyway.

You are in a very good position compared to a lot of people. Also, could you talk to your employers, tell them your situation and ask for their advice. You may find that they are sympathetic and will do all they can to help you.

The very worst aspect of your life at the moment, and looking forward, is this man who will utterly destroy you if you allow him to stay in your life.

Everything else can be managed reasonably, without him in the picture.

It is very good that you have emotionally detached from him already to an extent. Realising that there is no rule on earth that forces you to stay with an abusive bastard like this is a salutary moment

There are 7 billion people out there; he is irrelevant. The reasons why he behaves like this are probably many and complex but you don't need to know them - he's just another horrible person that you once had a connection with. It's Ok to walk away.

My head is still sore today, feels a bit headachey tho I'm not certain of that's cos I've slept in a funny position. I will go docs if it gets worse.

If I ring the police what will they do? I don't want to press charges or have him arrested or anything like that but I think I might put it on record. Does anyone know how this works?

A lot of you have suggested I change the locks. I'm in the fortunate position that we don't live together and he lives in a different town. He has never had a key for my house so I'm not too worried about the locks, he always used to borrow mine.

I will defo tell my midwife at my next appointment too. To my min he is now put of my life save for the fact we are having a child together.

To my mind he is now out*

Thanks.

I have just called my GP, head seems to be getting worse. They've told me I have to go to a&e .

I've blocked him on FB too and will only make contact re the pregnancy on his phone

I can do this

Personally I would go to the GP of your head is still hurting over 24hrs since the incident.

If he comes around, don't open the door.

Call the police and women's aid and ask for advice.

Why don't you want to press charges? What he has done is wrong and he actually tried to minimise the assault.

If you have to speak to him, do this via text/email....

Glad you are going to A&E!

Tell the doctors what happened, do not minimise or lie about what happened.

Do you have a friend/relative to go with you?

Oh pet then you should go to A&E. Did you tell them how you were hurt?

Please don't mess about, it's a head injury, anything could be going on.

Hope you are Ok.

I hope you will be ok op.
Relieved you've decided to end it, absolutely the right decision.

Well done OP. It seems daunting, but I can assure you that living as a single Mum to a newborn and toddler is far easier than with an abusive partner.

Abusers notoriously up their game once their partners become pregnant or move in together as they are more trapped. Although it doesn't feel like it, you should probably count yourself lucky you haven't moved in with him yet. Sadly you might put up with a lot more if you were trapped in a mortgage. He is physically and emotionally abusive and showing huge signs of being financiallg abusive. You've had a lucky escape.

Try and stay positive. You are about to have a baby. And without this guy around you can enjoy that. With him around, it would be torture.

I would give Womens aid a call about the practicalities and support. They are great. My health visitor was great too and told me who to get in contact with. Even with a toddler and a newborn to look after, there wasn't a day that went by that I regretted it. And my 'd'h wasn't physical with me. My kids are growing up in a happy household now. Never on eggshells. It's priceless.

Good luck OP, and congratulations on the bew baby