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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

feeling scared and lonely

97 replies

mamaexhaustion · 30/04/2015 21:09

Hello this is my first post I Googled and found this website and I could really use sone Advice.
I live with my partner and i am pregnant which i found out yesterday. He doesnt know because I don't want to be with him any more. I have left him twice but I am back with him and I really just don't know how to break this cycle that I am in. I have been reading about abuse and I guess I am in an abusive relationship although it is hard to think about it like that. I was just hoping for some advice. I find it hard to talk to people as it is so I think the Internet is my best bet As I am quite lonely and a bit scared to talk. I want to leave for good but I don't know how.

OP posts:

ALaughAMinute · 30/04/2015 21:17

Is your partner mentally or physically abusing you or both?

Original poster

mamaexhaustion · 30/04/2015 21:36

I'm not sure how to reply to your post so you will see it I hope this is right. he is very controlling and cold toward's me. He hits me sometimes but mainly when he's drunk. And I didn't realise until I have been reading more that if I hAve had sex with him before but I don't want to that time that it is rape. he does this a lot.

OP posts:

pocketsaviour · 30/04/2015 21:40

I'm sorry you're being abused. You are not being treated right and you deserve better. Are you in the UK? I think a good starting place for you would be to contact Womens Aid and ask for support.

Do you have any other children or would this be your first? Do you own or rent your home, is it in both names or just yours? Do you have family or friends living nearby who you could stay with if you left?

springydaffs · 30/04/2015 21:48

Are you in the UK? If so then, yes, Women's Aid is a good first port of call. Email them if you don't feel you can talk - perhaps copy your original post into the email ?

Another brilliant thing to do is the Freedom Programme. It's a group thing, classes, and you don't have to talk. I'd strongly recommend this course, it really does get your head straight.

Hold on, lovely, you can do this, one step at a time. You're not the first, as frightening and impossible as it seems at the mo. Women's Aid / FP will really help you xx

Original poster

mamaexhaustion · 30/04/2015 22:07

I am in the UK yes. I rent my home. I had a daughter but she passed away. I will look at women's aid I think I will email them. I just don't know know how I will actually get away from him him. Physically I mean. I don't think I could do a course with people though

OP posts:

Original poster

mamaexhaustion · 30/04/2015 22:08

Yes sorry I do have family nearby but I couldn't stay with them. I could ask a friend but not sure if she would be happy for me to stay with her.

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 30/04/2015 22:09

I'm sorry you are living with such a bastard and I'm really sorry you lost your daughter. I agree with the advice to contact Women's Aid.

ImperialBlether · 30/04/2015 22:11

I know this is a really difficult question to answer because of your daughter, but do you want to go ahead with this pregnancy, knowing you will face a lifetime of contact with this man? You are in such an early stage of pregnancy and if you leave now you could meet someone lovely and have a child with him.

Original poster

mamaexhaustion · 30/04/2015 22:15

I feel I need to continue my pregnancy although am so scared I won't love this baby how I loved my daughter. I don't know and I don't want him to know because he will make me have an abortion

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 30/04/2015 22:20

I think if you plan to escape, you don't tell him you are pregnant. You will need to be really brave, but you can do it, you really can. Contact Women's Aid tomorrow if you can - can you get to a phone to speak in private?

Original poster

mamaexhaustion · 30/04/2015 22:27

He has gone off again because I asked him a stupid question and he said don't expect him back. Usually that just means that tonight he will be at someone else's house. I want it to be better with him. But I don't think it can be better. I want to go forever if I go but I don't think I can. It's incredibly frustrating and I feel worn down by it all. This is like a circle.

OP posts:

YvyB · 30/04/2015 22:46

I don't think there is a good time to leave a violent relationship. When I left mine it happened very suddenly: middle of the night, in my pyjamas, just had to go. The police got me out. I was glad in many ways though - I don't think I could have agonised over a decision.
The only thing I wish I'd done differently was act on my instinct that I needed to leave. With hindsight, I'd have had an 'escape bag' packed and hidden, just with basic paperwork, bank details, passport, address and phone book etc that I could have grabbed quickly, saving myself the stress and misery of having to go back for it all.
Don't put pressure on yourself: staying in a bad relationship does not mean you should feel guilty, but just prepare a little so that when the 'I have to get out now' moment comes, you don't need to agonise, you can just go.

Good luck

newnamesamegame · 30/04/2015 22:49

Very sorry to hear what you've been through with the loss of your daughter and sorry you're being abused by this man at such a vulnerable time.

You sound very low and depressed and in need of some support. Is there anyone you can talk to in real life?

I do recommend speaking to Women's Aid as well. It sounds as if you know that this is not right and need to make the change but you will need support, emotional and practical, to make the change.

Please keep posting here if you need to as well -- there are lots of people on here with a lot of practical advice and valuable life experience and its just a good place to go if you're feeling low.

Very best of luck to you.

Original poster

mamaexhaustion · 30/04/2015 22:54

I don't know how to make myself understood properly I an sorry. I don't think I will ever get that moment. I want to go but I really don't think it's possible to be away from him. I don't know honestly how I ended up back with him when I have left before. I haven't really got friends who I speak to properly. I just feel desperaTe.

OP posts:

Cherryapple1 · 30/04/2015 23:08

Have you ever been to the police about him? Why do you think you won't get that moment? Has he hurt you today?

newnamesamegame · 30/04/2015 23:11

You do need to talk to someone and you need support. Please talk to someone, it really helps to make it real. Please also contact Women's Aid and go to see your GP about some counselling. Or Samaritans if you don't want to see the GP. But please talk to someone.

I understand that this feels terrifying and overwhelming. Don't feel you have to rush into something before you are ready. Take it one step at a time.

But please don't write yourself off. What you are going through is not right and you deserve better.

When you are ready, there are people who can help you.

Fallandfly · 30/04/2015 23:25

Sweetheart, it is okto be scared. It is ok to want to keep your baby. But you need to leave. If you don't have somewhere safe you can go Contact womens aid if possible, they wil help. Going back to an abusive partner is not shameful. Lots of us have been there. But you seem to realise now that it is not right. Think about your future and your baby. You need to be safe. Only you can make that happen. It's time to be strong

Notmeagain1 · 01/05/2015 04:21

Oh sweetie, he really has you under his thumb, doesn't he? Hes very controlling and has beaten you down (mentally and physically).

But, you are a strong and courageous woman. You have survived the death of your precious dd and you need to get out so you and the new baby you are creating have the chance to live in peace and harmony. Pleasr contact the Samaritans and womens aid. They CAN help you and you and your unborn child deserve all of this.

Please keep posting. Do get a grab bag packed and keep it hidded. Its time to plan an escape as you have limited amount of time before you are showing and if he doesant want your child you could be in a very dangerous place.

I hope things work,out for you, please update when you can. Call Womans Aid first thing in the moning,

BitOutOfPractice · 01/05/2015 05:28

Mama you sound so low. I want to come and scoop you up!

You are already on the path to getting out. You have been reading up, educating yourself and starting to see this man for what he is. That is so great.

ninetynineonehundred · 01/05/2015 06:57

There are lots of people here who have been through the same thing. You are making sense and your partner sounds truly awful.
Keep posting. You will get lots of support.

Original poster

mamaexhaustion · 01/05/2015 10:10

Sorry he came home early. I don't really know what's next. I feel very numb and sad

OP posts:

Cherryapple1 · 01/05/2015 10:47

What do you want to happen next? Because whatever that is there is lots of advice and support here to enable that to happen. You made the first step starting this thread.

How about an email to Women's Aid? Make sure you clear cookies on your laptop and use an email address he has no access to.

Original poster

mamaexhaustion · 01/05/2015 11:36

I will email them I don't I Know what to Say I need to work that out he's still here though

OP posts:

pocketsaviour · 01/05/2015 11:45

You could copy your first two posts in this thread into an email, and add any details you think are necessary.

If you feel he could be violent and prevent you from leaving, they will try to get you into a refuge where you would be protected, and then help you find somewhere new to live.

They will also help you build up strength so that you don't go back to this relationship - or another abusive one - again.

Can I ask what your parents' relationship was like, and were they neglectful or abusive when you were growing up? We often repeat our parents' relationship because that's what we think a relationship should look like. And if your parents didn't give you confidence and self-esteem, it's very difficult for you to believe that you deserve to be respected and cherished in a relationship. (You don't have to answer here if you don't want to, just something to think about.)

You deserve better than this. Everyone deserves better than this.

whattodoforthebest2 · 01/05/2015 11:49

Honey, you sound so ground down - I'm really sorry you're having to deal with all of this at the same time as finding out you're pregnant. Please look after yourself and try and make time to contact Womens Aid for help and support. Also, be aware that many women leave abusive partners after several attempts at leaving - it often doesn't happen the first or second time. It's like they have a trial run, see how that goes and then think about that the next time and do it better. So it may take planning and a bit of time. Try to think about what you'll need to take, just get a bag together - can you leave it with your friend or someone in your family? Can you do it without explaining too much?

Keep posting on here, we're all here to listen and help. You're doing the right thing for yourself and your baby.

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