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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Rage about the OW!

88 replies

WhyHer · 30/04/2015 17:52

Why do I resent her so much!??? I know it's a rhetorical question but still.

She wasn't the one in a relationship with me but why do I hate her so much and how can I re-direct the anger?? Why would she do that!?? What would possess another woman to do that!?

Ok, even better how can I just let go and get better???

OP posts:
Bambino1234 · 30/04/2015 17:56

I think it will just come- my anger was only because she knew me personally in fact she saw me every day, we were living at my partners work and she was a colleague, knowing she had seen me and my children every day but still let him chase her and her chase him angered me.

I try to think of all the bad qualities and I laugh at what he has traded me in for ! I think you'll soon not be bothered.

AuntieStella · 30/04/2015 17:58

Let it out. It's OK to hate a person who was co-conspirator in your DH's betrayal.

It's possible to loathe her, without detracting one whit from the level of anger/hurt/whatever you feel to the person who actually cheated.

The only thing that will help is (probably) the passage of time.

TongueBiter · 30/04/2015 18:02

How long ago was it? Are you and your husband together now? I wonder if it's partly misdirected anger - do you feel you have got 100% truth and disclosure from your husband? Ultimately he pissed all over your vows, if it hadn't been with her, would it have been with someone else?

CactusAnnie · 30/04/2015 18:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
WhyHer · 30/04/2015 18:03

I JUST FUCKING HATE HER!!! and I know this makes me weaker but why?? I'd never think "oh, this man is married, let me sleep with him and continue an affair!" BASTARD!

OP posts:
Original poster
WhyHer · 30/04/2015 18:05

Our whole life is now going to have to end. I didn't want this!!! If I'd known then I'd never have even got with him. But why did SHE DO THAT!? WHY??

OP posts:
Original poster
WhyHer · 30/04/2015 18:06

Am I crazy for saying that I hate her more than I hate him?? Please hold my hand even if you think I am crazy.

OP posts:
Twistedheartache · 30/04/2015 18:09

No advice but me too. Just because she finally left her shit relationship doesn't mean she had to help my husband betray me when I was pregnant. Bitch whore

lunar1 · 30/04/2015 18:10

Despite what you read on here all the time, she is not an innocent party just because you are not married to her.

She is a nasty cunt who was happy to help break apart your family. It is a normal and rational to hate her and hope that karma bites her on the arse (preferably karma with rabies).

You will move on in your own time, I wouldn't waste energy worrying about how you are supposed to react, you are human and an individual and it sounds like this is still new and raw for you.

Original poster
WhyHer · 30/04/2015 18:15

He's broken our entire family. BUY WHY HER??????? I realise I sound stupid but please let me get it out.

OP posts:
DinkyDye · 30/04/2015 18:16

I think that's a reasonable way to feel. Wish l had some wise words to offer you but I dont sorry Flowers

lunar1 · 30/04/2015 18:17

Probably because she was there and willing. I doubt there is anything special about her.

Original poster
WhyHer · 30/04/2015 18:18

I did everything. I was the 'perfect' woman. I did everything. I even compromised myself to suit him!! So Why would another woman do this to another woman???? WHY?? What would you have to gain?? Tell me!

OP posts:
whitsernam · 30/04/2015 18:19

I think we all wish women would show some solidarity and not do this to another woman, as we have some idea how awful it would feel. I personally could never inflict such pain on another human being. She is worth despising!!

Can you tell yourself she did you a favor? You now don't need to continue to be married to a cheater! I know, that sounds simplistic, but it's actually got a lot of truth to it.....

Flowers
BruceSpringClean · 30/04/2015 18:20

Normal. When my ex left me for OW (years ago now), I remember seeing a woman that I thought was her in the street. I vividly recall having this terrible urge to get off my bike and stove her head in with my D-lock. (I didn't - I was going a bit mad, but not mad enough to do something like that.)

Hang in there, WhyHer. In time, you'll come to realise that she's done you a favour. Seems difficult to believe now, I know. Do your best to find other things to think about. Keep busy. Try to redirect your mind whenever you find yourself dwelling on him / her. It does get better, I promise.

BruceSpringClean · 30/04/2015 18:22

FWIW my ex & OW were literally never apart, during their pretty lengthy relationship. I think she knew she could never let him out of her sight, because of how their relationship had started. In the end, one day she did have to let him out of her sight - and he did exactly the same thing to her, that he'd done to me. (Don't know if that's any consolation, but thought you might enjoy hearing the story.)

Original poster
WhyHer · 30/04/2015 18:24

Ok OK,, realise I have to get a grip. I'm in tears right now.

OP posts:
headlesslambrini · 30/04/2015 18:24

Thing is that if you changed to suit him then its likely that he will expect her to as well, she will do the things that you hated instead, whilst you are free and will be stronger in time to make sure that you dont compromise yourself in the future.

Cherryapple1 · 30/04/2015 18:34

Sorry you feel so rubbish. I have felt exactly the same as you do and it really is craptastic. You are allowed to be upset with her. It will pass. And she has now landed herself a cheat. Not much of a prize really is he?

Original poster
WhyHer · 30/04/2015 18:40

But what would you gain from ruining some else's life?? What? Would you be happy? WHY?

OP posts:
Original poster
WhyHer · 30/04/2015 18:41

Sorry, I just need a hand-hold. I am in tears and can't even work out what comes next. I just wanted an answer to why??

OP posts:
magoria · 30/04/2015 18:47

Is easier to hate her than the person who you loved as it means admitting they are flawed and may not love you like you did them.

fairylightsbackintheloft · 30/04/2015 18:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fleecyleesy · 30/04/2015 18:59

Your dh betrayed you directly.
The OW acted with a complete lack of humanity which is a more general betrayal. But still a betrayal.

It's kind of like the distinction between a pickpocket and a shoplifter. The pickpocket has a specific victim, the shoplifter's victim is more general.

H and OW are a pair of shits. You are entitled to hate the pair of them.

Only time will diminish your feelings towards the OW.
With H it will be different because you will either have to rebuild your marriage or get divorced but either way you will be interacting with him.

Fleecyleesy · 30/04/2015 19:01

In answer to what a oerson gains from ruining another person's life - a few seedy cheap thrills. That's it.