Rage about the OW!

[WhyHer]

Why do I resent her so much!??? I know it's a rhetorical question but still.

She wasn't the one in a relationship with me but why do I hate her so much and how can I re-direct the anger?? Why would she do that!?? What would possess another woman to do that!?

Ok, even better how can I just let go and get better???

OP, agree with everything you say. I don't understand it and never will, I guess that are most women are utterly appalled and would never contemplate destroying a family and causing such hurt, and sadly there are some women who couldnt care less.

I know what sort of person I would rather be,

I would love to see a cheating ex or OW post and explain why and how they could behave like this, without trotting out all the crap about their marraige wasnt working (even though they never thought to discuss it with their partners), but I've never seen an explanation yet. Then again, they also havent had to tell devastated DCs that their family has been destroyed, I detest the OW involved in the breakup of my marriage for that alone. Worst thing I have ever had to do was tell my DCs their adored Daddy wasnt coming home.

Just stay strong.

I think a lot of the time they just enjoy the sex and the thrills and the "winning" a man from someone else. After all the excitement settles down any actual relationship that follows is only ever going to be a letdown. I reckon a lot of mm eventually regret leaving their families.

Not always - some don't seek out an affair, but can't say no to someone who is persistent. Some do target for the thrill of breaking up a couple and even for the desire to bag someone richer than their current partner. I have known both an OM and an OW do this - and to be fair, they were quite clever about it - I'm your shoulder to cry on when things are tough, I understand you, if you want to keep me as your friend we have to move to the next level. Both quit and moved on to other people when the respective affair partners refused to try to take their other halves to the cleaners - abided by pre-nups etc.

Thing is, all you can control is your rection to it - you can't change them - in the meantime let it out, and do things for you. Its har dfor you to understand, because it is something that you wouldn't do - unfortunately not everyone is wired the same!

And no you probably did absolutely nothing 'wrong'. Affairs happen in the happiest of marriages with people who are too weak to say no.

Time will change how you feel but I understand how you feel right now and am very sorry.

I hated the OW with a passion, had many nasty thoughts about her. We weren't married but it still hurt like fuck. She was pregnant with his baby when I found out about her and I was a mess for a long time and never thought I would get over the kid.

I don't even give it a second thought these days and on the rare occasions it does briefly pop in my head I couldn't give a toss.

My ex has been through God knows how many women since then despite getting married. He's still a cheat and always will be.

OW has spent her entire life since then trying to get at him in some way because he dumped her straightaway. She's used the kids to get at him (turned out her other kid was his as well) and fucked them up as a result. She is a totally nasty piece of work who only cares about herself and has been a shit mother. She's miserable as sin thank you karma and my overriding emotion towards her is that of pity.

You rant away about this immoral bitch. I have no idea how a woman could do this.

My stbxh walked out on me and my DDs to be with the OW and I hate her with a passion. They both destroyed my marriage.

They have also tried to destroy me and they have used the fact that they are both police officers to threaten me. Truly evil.

I agree with what someone else mentioned OP, dont let anyone tell you the OW is"not your concern", because rightly you need/want to know why they chose to do this.
In my case it was an OM, this turd came into my house(on one occassion) and despite seeing my beautiful happy children, thought he could try and worm his way in with my wife. My only comfort was their relationship never got to the physical stage. Ive had to go out my way to avoid coming into contact with this clown, as dont think i could resist the urge to physically drag him home to his own wife and have him come clean with her.

OP your posts have really brought it all back for me. You have every right to be angry, vent away!

She's probably done this because it gave her some satisfaction, an ego boost, to know she could attract a man and make him want her enough to lure him away from the life he'd built with someone else. To her that's all you are, someone else. You aren't a person, you're a rival.

Having been on the receiving end of this, I've thought a lot about what must have gone through the nasty little bitches mind when she was manoeuvring him out of my life. I doubt there's much difference between your DH's OW and mine. I suspect she's currently very pleased with herself for being so attractive, so interesting, so irresistible that he couldn't stay away. That he turned his whole life upside down just for her. That's what she's got out of it.

What she doesn't know right now is how insecure she's going to become. She needed to TAKE a man from another woman for validation. But now she knows this man cannot be trusted, that any woman who thinks like her could come along and take him away, and it'd be far easier for the next one because he's already done it once before! The insecurity she's temporarily vanquished will rear its ugly head and poison their 'relationship'. They'll keep at it out of pride, maybe for years to come. They might even have children together. But they'll never trust each other.

That's what happened to my ex anyway. No happily ever after for those cruel, deceitful cunts.

Hope this helps.

Asking "why" is like asking why someone is overweight - it just depends on the person and the situation. You can generalise and sweep into caterogories but the WHY is very subject and situational dependent.

Here are some:

1. OW was lied to by a MM who told her he was single/separated/divorced, started seeing a man she thought was available & fell in love. Then, when truth is discovered, prioritises her (what she perceives as) emotional happiness over others and carries on.

2.OW & MM are soul mates and fell in love. True "falling in love" is rare and special; no point in sacrificing that on the altar of a failing marriage.

1. OW doesn't give a shit, was just interested in no strings attached sex. MM had other ideas.

1. OW considers that she owes nothing to a stranger she doesn't know.

1. OW knows MM fools around and she is one of a number. She likes him, thinks he's fun, sexy and great in bed - gets the benefit of the fun stuff - hot dates, expensive hotels, gifts - but without the shit that goes with a LTR - like having to be nice to his tedious mother, picking his pants up off the floor, worrying about whether he's going to leave for his 20 year old secretary. She has no interest in splitting up a marriage or a family and rates this as low risk because (a) she knows that he is generally playing the field (b)she's not interested in that or asking for it and (c) he wants to stay married and has told her he has no intention of leaving.

The "why" really just depends. Not all OW are heartless bitches who don't give a shit. Think about it. How many people do you know who actually fit slap bang into a cookie cutter stereotype.

To put it another way, in respect of a sexually unfaithful cheating men - their mother still loves them.

WhyHer I am sorry it's bloody hard isn't it. Deal with it in whatever way suits you so if you want to direct your anger at OW rant away.

I blame my ex-DH more than the OW, because he was part of our family and he chose to let us down. But I was friendly with OW, she lives next door, and I can't understand how she could look me in the eye and chat away to me being all friendly and pleasant and for nearly a year she was going to bed with my husband.

Their relationship tortured me to start with, I'm not quite so bothered now probably because I don't obsess about it as I did to start with when it was literally all I thought about. I suppose time does ease things a little bit but I can't answer your question as to why another woman would do that because I wonder that myself.

Self Loathing I found your post interesting, I mean that sincerely.

Does the wife ever get thought about? Is it a case of out of sight out of mind or just couldn't care less about the wife?

If all OW are "not heartless bitches who don't give a shit" how do they justify their behaviour? Is it regarded as the husband's problem because he made the vows.

Basically the OW in my case is probably number 5 on your list without the expensive hotels and gifts. They've ended up together because I found out and ended our marriage. Apparently they didn't mean to hurt me because they didn't expect me to find out. Can they really be that blinkered, surely you know the risk you are taking.

Hello op. Hope you're managing to get some sleep.

God I remember that blind hatred of the ow. I truly loathed her. Became a bit obsessed with her, stalking on fb etc.

I also needed to know why. What if done wrong. What she had that I didn't etc etc etc

But even if you do ever get to find out (which is unlikely as neither your dh or the ow are likely to tell you the truth) what will that achieved? It won't miraculously fix your marriage or your heart. It won't change anything. It may actually make you feel worse. So really the why doesn't really matter

I know just how hard it is. Only time will help you heal.

It's easier to hate someone you don't have any feelings for!

The errant spouse is the one who I can't fathom. They have lived with you for years, said they loved you, had children with you and then will ruin everything for what always starts as just a leg over.

I am amazed so many people forgive them. I couldn't

I'm afraid that, having known an OW at work, that your feelings probably never crossed her mind.

In that case, the MM painted his wife as cold, sexless, deranged and the marriage had been dead for years.

So she simply didn't care about the wife as all her feelings were for this brave and selfless man limping along in a loveless marriage.

You probably thought more about her in a day than she did about you in their whole relationship.

If it helps, the grand affair fizzled out in the light of day and the sadness of his children and he lives in a rented flat seeing his kids at weekends while his wife has moved on.

I think that obsessive hatred about someone you don't know is almost a way of protecting yourself from the reality that someone you love can treat you so badly.

I remember hating her, obsessing about her FB page, tying myself up in knots thinking about what she had that I didn't. Because if I could figure that out I could change it right?

Ultimately I was just distracting myself from the pain of accepting what he'd done to me.

Now, i feel genuinely sorry for her. She looks like a lovely girl, pretty, clever, talented. And shes saddled to him. He's duped her and the poor girl is caught up in the same shit I was caught up in. Her self esteem must be so low to stay with him.

I still hate the OW 20 years on

Here to listen. The anger is normal and natural. She is not the innocent party that some people would portray her as one.
She is a vile human being, devoid of morals and humanity. Hate her now as much as you need to. Crying, screaming, ranting.
It's all normal and it's part of this journey.
You didn't choose any of this.

And then gradually in the days and weeks ahead, that utter pain and heartbreak will start to ease and you have to let yourself start to heal a little.
Their 'relationship' is based on lies and what kind of relationship is that ?
Keep your dignity, hold your children close and someday you will look at her without hatred because you WILL survive this. Your children need you to be the stable, always there rock that they cling to. There will be difficult times ahead, and if she remains in his life, you will have to deal with her behaviour with regards the children, finances etc.
But you WILL heal. You WILL survive.

I know an OW socially and buried sardine describes her perfectly

He's a brave and selfless man, staying with his bunny boiling wife because he's such a good person , wants to keep his marriage vows < obviously didn't read them very well then > . Can't do it to his children, plus all sorts of secret and special reasons that she just can't tell me

When I put it to her that's all his stuff about "sexless marriage,mentally ill wife who will kill herself if he leaves " is textbook adulterer talk , she assures me that she KNOWS it's true in this case . Honestly . But she can't tell me why , I just need to trust her .

Because this, I presume , is what bastard cheating husband has told her . You need to trust me . And if , of course you don't, it's because you are a person with " trust issues " ( Seen it all the time on these boards )

I'm apparently the only one of her friends who has a problem with what's she's doing , she says it's because ive never met him ( I refuse ) , then I coudl see how great he is.

She even acknowledges that in general affairs are wrong . And normally she would run a mile . It's just this isnt an affair because < insert bollocks reasons here >

She is usually a good person who does have a sense of morality . But she has convicted herself that the usual rules don't aply here . She has very very low self esteem about men , even though she's very successful in her job . ( not seeking to excuse her in any way )

I would agree with the poster who said she's probably never given his wife or kids a single thought . It's all about him, poor misunderstood, unappreciated , principled man that he is

I have a good friend who is an OW.

She justifies it as follows:

1. I am in a loveless, abusive marriage. I have been downtrodden for 20 years. I deserve some happiness.

1. This man treats me with kindness and respect, which I am not used to.

1. He is not sleeping with his wife and is only staying for the kids.

I think this is all nonsense. She is not an evil person, she is someone who is pursuing her own needs and feels the happiness of others is a reasonable price to pay.

Would I do that? No. But I have never been as trapped and unhappy as her. Reasons vary.

OP, could you tell us a little of how things are for you at the moment? How long have you known? Are you still with you DH? How many DC do you have? Maybe we can help you plow all that energy into something constructive.

I know of 2 OW. Maybe 3. It stinks.

I've never thought of them the same way again. One is very 'fresh' and the wife was going to be told last week. No idea how that went. I don't want to ask tbh.

What I never understand is the lack of shame on the woman's part and I've concluded that it's mainly because they fall for The Greatest Love Affair of the Century meme. To be pitied, not hated tho.

summerbreezer,

There's no doubt these women are trapped and unhappy. But you get out some other way, not through a MM, surely?

"I reckon a lot of men eventually regret leaving their families."

^^ This.

My dad certainly did. After my mum got over the hideous pain of him leaving her at 40 with two DCs she finally met and remarried another man with whom she's still really happy now. 25 yrs on and after a succession of failed relationships my dad has really only just picked the pieces.

Sad but true.

And the OW that split them up can rot in hell as far as I'm concerned for the pain she helped cause to my mum.

Erm, pursuing your own happiness at the great cost of others makes you a rotten egg. It's quite wicked behaviour, actually.