Rage about the OW!

[WhyHer]

Why do I resent her so much!??? I know it's a rhetorical question but still.

She wasn't the one in a relationship with me but why do I hate her so much and how can I re-direct the anger?? Why would she do that!?? What would possess another woman to do that!?

Ok, even better how can I just let go and get better???

"it's mainly because they fall for The Greatest Love Affair of the Century meme. To be pitied, not hated tho"

Yes, I think that's right if you're a bystander. But if it's your life that's just been devastated, then anger and hate are normal.

I feel your pain and rage as well OP, hope you are ok, I can't understand how the OW can rip a family apart either. Mine was part of a group of friends in a small village, so she knew he was married, to me, and had a son on the autistic spectrum, and still looked me in the eye and asked after my family while pursuing an affair with him.

Her husband had left her for another woman ten years previously, she had a breakdown, and she still did that to me! And she is a social worker! Supposed to help,families in crisis, not put them into one, FFS.

They are just selfish, immoral cunts, the pair of them, thinking of you my love.

I've never been the ow but I've been heavily pursued by a married man. The way they persue you can feel intoxicating. They have literally nothing to lose as they have a wife to fall back on. I can see how a lonely person with low self-esteem could fall for it.

It doesn't excuse it though.

I'm in the arse end of nowhere fairy my love also known as North Wales!

I'm not a bystander. It has happened to me fairly recently. I'm not saying anger is not justifiable. I guess I'm saying I can't feel anymore. So from a purely clinical and logical POV, pity is the best emotion.

I can't understand how the OW can rip a family apart either.

I can't understand how you CAN'T see that the person who is ripping the family apart is the husband or wife OR father or mother who is taking a voluntary choice to leave.

OW or OM are not mysterious magical beings with unicorn beelzebub powers.

It may make you feel better to hate a third party - but a choice to leave is just that - a choice. And the responsibility is that of the husband/wife/mother/father. It is their decision alone.

Hi all,

Sorry for storming in and not actually giving any context!

Together for 5 years. No dcs although it was very much on the cards.

I don't think OW knew he was married to begin with. I'm not particularly proud of myself but I did go riffling through both of his phones and found messages dating back to when they got together and he was feeling her out. She's single but according to him he's been separated for nearly a year. That was news to me! I think he struggled to keep up the two lives as when she did eventually find out she continued seeing him. In fact when I first confronted him we went through a phase of working it out but he never finished with her. It was only recently through a massive rage I said it was finally over after feeling that something wasn't quite right, went back through his phone and discovered the night he was apparently visiting his friend in another city he was actually with her and even thanked her for "spoiling him." I'm still swinging between rage and sadness. Mainly rage and for some reason I've actually started to despise myself. That I can't explain.

I think despising ourselves because of how lousy we've been made to feel as a woman is very common. As is despising ourselves because of the person we've become because of what's happened to us. I had one bout of behaviour that left me feeling uglier than I felt in comparison to my husbands very young dolly bird and I just thought - never again. I then found ways to do it all differently and Its worked for me.

Agree with SelfLoathing. Also agree that your anger OP is completely and utterly natural.

I have known many, many OW. Some were plain nasty. Some had been lied to through the hilt, with husbands saying their wives were abusive, mentally ill, in the process of divorcing them, leaving them for another man, dead (in one case).

I have personal experience of this. My Dad left my mum for her best friend. I hate her because of this and always will, particularly because IME her behaviour is worse as she was meant to be loyal to my mum. Also my Dad was emotionally abusive to my Mum and she knew that and so I feel this was even more of a betrayal on her part.

However, it's not always black and white and unfortunately the onus is on your husband to stay loyal to you and not to leave you for OW. Unfortunately the sad fact is if it hadn't been her it would have been someone else. That is totally true in the case of my Dad too.

90% of the time I guarantee the OW has been fed a load of utter bullshit by the husband. They will believe what they want to. This doesn't necessarily make them evil people. Some are, naturally, but it does very much depend on many, many factors.

IME, you will waste away your life trying to work out 'why' another woman would do that, when the answer could be any number of things.

It might help you to let go by remembering that she has gone into the relationship, or at some point proceeded with it, knowing that he is a cheat. She will always be concerned, often with good cause, that he will do it to her as well. Whereas you probably had a few years at least where you completely trusted him, she will never have that. A lot of times I think they are actually to be pitied ... the men often don't turn out to be great 'catches'.

My children are suffering because of my stbxh and the OW actions. She has a child and how would she like it if someone did this to him.

The OW knew he was married with children but that didn't stop them. She has also put details of their sex life on her Facebook page that my daughter could see.

Fairy...I'm in the South East too.