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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Rage about the OW!

88 replies

WhyHer · 30/04/2015 17:52

Why do I resent her so much!??? I know it's a rhetorical question but still.

She wasn't the one in a relationship with me but why do I hate her so much and how can I re-direct the anger?? Why would she do that!?? What would possess another woman to do that!?

Ok, even better how can I just let go and get better???

OP posts:
anothernumberone · 30/04/2015 19:03

Despite what you read on here all the time, she is not an innocent party just because you are not married to her

^^ this.

popalot · 30/04/2015 19:06

Having never been the ow, I can't say exactly. But having known OW they get all the excitement of the affair, the man chases them, they have all the lust and it simply blinds them to what their role is in the break up of a family. They truly think they are in love, that they can't help themselves and that the man is in love with them and 'needs them'.

However, once the wife finds out and the man leaves he goes straight to them. Then their real relationship begins. Trust me, it ain't pretty. Both of the OW I know ended up with their 'prize'. Both were cheated on. Ridiculed for getting older. Belittled. But because the men are older, they are less reluctant to leave these new wifies and they are stuck with controlling, old fashioned, slightly mysoginistic men who I think they wish another woman would actually come and take away because the divorce proceedings are going to be a nightmare.

So, the OW starts off thinking she's the one, the winner. And ends up feeling like a total loser.

Cherryapple1 · 30/04/2015 19:38

I dunno why - I guess they aren't nice and have no morals. My ex went to an OW who was proud to break up my family. I really don't care any more. I pity her tbh. He crawled back and told me she was a nightmare and his crap relationship with her was payback for cheating and leaving a lovely family. I had no sympathy.

rumred · 30/04/2015 19:52

In my experience ows listen to the shit these men peddle. My wife doesn't understand me, etc. Thus they justify their actions.

Maybe concentrate on what horrible stuff he said about you and his home life. Because he will have done that to reel her in /get in her pants. That doesn't make her blameless but he's the one who really betrayed and shit on you

itwillgetbettersoon · 30/04/2015 19:59

Because a man shows interest in them, promises them the earth, tells them his wife doesn't understand him and that they never have sex. They fall for this rubbish because ultimately we all want to think we have found our rock, I doubt they even think about the wife and kids.
My stbxh left me for young OW. After 3 years she is welcome to the miserable sod. She will never trust him, will always have the issue of his kids, there is always an ex wife around (me). Am I jealous of her now - no way!!! Get out there and live life to the full. At least you can now go out and find a man that has morals etc. she can't as she is stuck with a deceitful liar.

Mapletree36 · 30/04/2015 20:08

Hello whyher. I am so sorry for your situation. I'm fully with you on this. I get your anger completely. As to why...well, she was weak. She is a victim.mshe does not have the strength to do things properly in life, it made her feel more validated to take another woman's man. Made her feel more desirable. As I said, she's weak. She's bitter. You will get better. You will forget this pain in time. She will probably always be a needy bitch. It's unforgivable. She will never feel secure with him. Never.

Life is full of rotters and good people. You are a good person. She's a rotter.

Original poster
WhyHer · 30/04/2015 20:21

Thank you all for your responses. I am as I said in tears and feeling very hurt. Would it be ok to keep posting? Just to get out of my system??? I don't want to abuse your good advice but he and HER are awful. I just need to get it out. Will anyone please listen?? Hold my hand??

OP posts:
Original poster
WhyHer · 30/04/2015 20:22

I have spent my life doing good or going out of my way to help others. WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS??? I feel such self-hatred.

OP posts:
PlumFairy2014 · 30/04/2015 20:29

Hand holding.

I'm so sorry I have no fix it, but like everyone says they will both find the grass isn't oh so green. You will however find it is.

Rant it out if it makes you feel better. Flowers

Original poster
WhyHer · 30/04/2015 20:33

Thanks plum. I just want to die. I hate them so much.

OP posts:
VanitasVanitatum · 30/04/2015 20:33

The why is really simple - because she met a man she liked a man and she didn't care about anything else.

For some people there is no consideration, moral financial or otherwise that would stop them when they want someone.

Original poster
WhyHer · 30/04/2015 20:34

What about me? the life we'd built? what about us?? None of that matters!!

OP posts:
winkywinkola · 30/04/2015 20:34

Whether, the ow didn't even consider you in her operations. You don't matter to her. She couldn't care less.

She had no moral compass. I wouldn't say she was being a slag to especially hurt you. She's just being a slag because well, that's what she is!

I agree. It is nonsense to dismiss ow as blameless because they're not married to you. They are disgusting creatures.

As are the husbands who betray their loved ones.

It WILL pass. She is shit on your shoe. It won't be long before she means nothing to you. Apart from a vague contempt.

supersop60 · 30/04/2015 20:36

Hand holding. Total sympathy. And it WILL pass.

Original poster
WhyHer · 30/04/2015 20:38

Sorry If I'm repeating myself but why break apart a family??? WHY?? She has ruined my whole life.

OP posts:
Original poster
WhyHer · 30/04/2015 20:40

And she appears very proud of her self according to Facebook!! Would you do this to someone else?? And if so why?? What is wrong with me??

OP posts:
mumofthemonsters808 · 30/04/2015 20:40

You won't always feel like this, one day you will look back and realise it was a blessing in disguise. You will have the last laugh, I've seen this many times and the wife is always the winner, never the adulterer. Life will get better, you have an amazing inner strength that you are oblivious to and it will carry you through this hard time. It's natural to feel bitter and angry towards the Ow but eventually you will just accept that your Husband betrayed you and that she is welcome to him. Feel free to rant away, its good to release all your hurt and anger.

PlumFairy2014 · 30/04/2015 20:41

It will pass.

In my mind if you chose to cheat your way into getting a new partner then you're ridiculously stupid and it's doomed anyway.

I know it's awful now, but you are SO much better off without him. There are some wonderful people out there. Unfortunately you have come across two of the awful ones.

ParkingFred · 30/04/2015 20:44

So sorry for you.

I think it's natural to loathe & detest her. My friend did exactly the same thing, although she really should have directed her fury at her shit bag of a husband.

After all, if it hadn't been that OW, it would have been someone else.

Cherryapple1 · 30/04/2015 20:48

Block her on facebook and anywhere else. Make your own facebook private. Stop looking - you are just torturing yourself.

Original poster
WhyHer · 30/04/2015 20:54

Yup Cherry time to block her. But I'd just like to rant a bit more... Just a little bit more. HOW COULD HE???? and what the fuck was SHE THINKING??

These are peoples lives, not games!!

OP posts:
Zebraface · 30/04/2015 20:59

Sorry to hear you are feeling so sad WhyHer.

I was the same. XH left after nearly 25 years married. She was,supposedly,his ex work colleague. I went to her wedding,she came to see us & our new born son in hospital... Yet she still broke my family up. Even her XH couldn't get over that cold,ruthless action.

4 years on,I don't think life is quite as great as they expected (her 3 kids help with that). She was a bitch,she is a bitch & I hope she has a shit life.

I'm a firm believer in what goes around comes around.

Live your life the best you can,trust me it will get better& the pain & anger recedes

Take care

Fleecyleesy · 30/04/2015 21:03

Nothing at all is wrong with you. Your feelings are all totally normal and expected from a person in your situation. There is often nothing wrong with the marriage either - in our case it was just day to day strains of having a toddler and a baby, moving house etc so a meal out and shag with the OW was basically into an alternate reality that was just that, a bubble with no responsibilities. My dh's OW really takes the cake IMO - when her ds was a baby, her dh cheated on her so their marriage broke up. She then got together with someone who became her fiancé and it was at this point she thought it would be a good idea to have sex with my husband Hmm. I mean, she had it done to her, had all the pain and then she did it to me even though she had a fiance and had rebuilt her life after her husband cheated. Proper wicked cow. Without diminishing my h's obvious disgraceful behaviour of course - 50 50 responsibility to them both.

Cherryapple1 · 30/04/2015 21:06

Oh yes rant away - but don't cause yourself further upset concerning yourself with their lives. Time to start looking after you. Stuff his or her motives. Go find your own happy. Your only concern is you - not their sordid little carryings on.

SinglePringle · 30/04/2015 21:06

How could she? Because her self worth is based on someone else's behaviour towards her: "I'm that hot and irristisable that a man will leave his family for me. I am all that!"

Basing ones self esteem on a lying cheat does not seem a great basis for long lasting happiness.

My ex cheated with my best friend. I was humming with rage towards her. Why? Because a woman shitting on a woman goes against the code.

And why did I just feel devastated by him - but not incandescent with fury?

Because my relationships with each of them were different. Ergo, my reactions were also.

Bugger how you're supposed to feel. You feel what you feel.