*Money Issues*

[stressedoutwife]

How would persuade your wealthy husband to give you a larger allowance? Mine seems to think he is very generous but I am always overdrawn. Calls me a pisstaker and a waster of which I am certainly not either. Ideas?

Thanks!

I think you should both earn the money you need and both help with the children. If you're always over drawn it's just as well he reins in the spending of the money.

If you want to konw what is reasonable look at some divorce cases. Mr McFarlane - he earned £750k a year, gave his wife half the assets on divorce and also pays her £250,000 a year, plus £20k per child plus school fees so I suppose that's the sort of order you would expect on a divorce. (She had sacrificed a career at a big law firm where she may have earned more than him though to bring up children over 20 years. Had she only been on £10k a year as cleaner the argument might have been different on career sacrifice).

thousand... i think 1500/2000 seems fair. NO less than 1500 i think...

well that figure would depend on what you really want to spend it on for eg does he pay and go thru supermarket bills?...cos you could buy make up an stuff like that there but come on you know all this...
what do you want to spend it on? flying lessons?on line gambeling? hookers??!!
this isnt to agree it.. its to gauge how much you need depending on what you cant get away with now?

forgot to add
apart from house stuff
i estimate i need £100 pweek for myself totally
for lippie
coffees in town
£10 pw nails
approx £30 for clothes
an walking around money like car parks
this is stuff i cant get in supermarkets and thereby sneaking the bills past him!!
he knows really!!! but he knows im not extravagent and am money aware all the time so theres total trust there!I hope!!

To be honest, I think the numbers are irrelevant. This seems to be more of an issue about control in your marriage. He earns the dosh and therefore he controls everything. And possibly this is also why he doesn't want you to work?

You obviously have different financial priorities, I think this is quite a common problem in couples, regardless of their wealth. What's frustrating is that your priorities aren't being given any airtime - at the other end of the spectrum I think of colditz's thread at the weekend about her dh who spends all their dosh on nothing and she has c. 3 quid a week to spend on herself. I'm not saying that so that you feel you shouldn't complain, I think the root of the problem is the same.

It's about the non-earning partner not being given the respect they deserve in financial matters. (And frankly him calling you a pisstaker and a waster is just showing a basic lack of respect to you as another human being).

tribpot all that is ob and understand what your saying but unless the girl wants a divorce,she is forced to deal with this now and I think/feel thats what shes asking advice on
i know the money should be shared
but it isnt
she needs some
lets help her to think of other ways
to get it

after all... will prob end in a divorce with that language(p.taker how charming!) an attitude but at least the value of the property is going up till then....
and you still need walking around monies as said

He needs to give you about 3k He will be left with 10k which many families live on per annum so you are hardly unreasonable.As others have said a nanny/cleaner would be more

Yes - I'm not suggesting divorce him for being a tightfisted old moneybags (my dad is very much like this, on a slightly smaller scale, let's hope when he finally retires he doesn't go massively the other way and start SKIing, i.e. Spending the Kids' Inheritance!)

But it's not just about finding a way of getting more dosh out of dh, and I bet the issues aren't all financial anyway.

Financially speaking though, I would present a budget that you think is reasonable (poss with a 10% uplift for negotiating purposes!) and insist that this be talked through like two adults in a partnership. Unfortunately if you are rubbish at managing your money and that's why you're overdrawn, it seems reasonable that dh control the purse strings (much as colditz tried to do but her dh wouldn't have a bar of it). If you can prove you can manage the money sensibly, it strengthens your case.

As expat mentioned a while back, what provision are you making for your own savings / pension etc? (I don't know what SAHMs do about this stuff generally? Should investigate this for my dh however as he's a SAHD).

I'm not making any provisions for pension etc as I have a great one he is providing in the company. Although he earns all these thousands, he only draws around 5K net per month, the rest he ties up in business, school fees etc. MY personal allowance is 350 and more for kids, groceries, petrol, birthdays and stuff. Therefore although I could juggle the monies and spend more on me it means less would be spent on other things and they would suffer. I think he feels I am fortunate that I dont HAVE to go and work and has provided the big house etc and is therefore generous. I would however like to have a better wardrobe, have manicures, facials, lunches out etc. I usually overdraw by around 3 - 450 per month although some months I have stayed in budget and therefore catch up.

Although I genuinely don't want the things you want (manicures, facials and stuff) I can still appreciate why you would like to be living a bit of 'the good life'. I'm just not sure how to explain to a bloke, esp a penny-pinching one, that what you want is both normal and acceptable.

The best thing I can think of is to appeal to his vanity as The Great Provider, maybe point out that other wives of his peers have a 'better' standard of living?

Big mistake to compare either him or me to others, have been there and done that and was told in no uncertain terms to "go and marry them". He really thinks he is above and richer than all others and I should have no complaint.

Just to add, we have been married 20yrs and gone without a lot for a lot of the time, hence I would now like to have a great lifestyle as he can now afford it and I'm getting rather mature, the wrong side of 50.

just a second, you need to look at your maths a little bit.....if you want a 15% increase and you are spending double some months, this will not suffice. Follow the advice on the best posts below, or consider:

Go around looking like a hag in worn out same clothes every day. give him really cheap food - tinned spag. or something nasty. You can still keep the DC well fed. Tell him you are getting a nanny and cleaner so that you can go out and work. He is playing games with you.

It does not seem that he places any value on you somehow, I wouldn't be so concenrned about the money, rather that he would rather work and be away from his family than be with you.

you don't really need a manicure, you need companionship and to be valued. This will make you happier than money.

Get him to take you shopping.

IMO

Lots of advice Littlewonder. I want a 15% increase on the total allowance, not just my bit. I do wear the same old clothes each and every day, I don't think he even notices, is more likely just fed up with me moaning about it and then says crap like I wouldnt mind if you had decent clothes. This is in reply when I say I have overspent and still have nothing decent. So I must be wasting it and shopping badly.

I'm confused. Do you have lots of allowances for different areas? Do you have to keep accounts? Does he check them? How does this all work?

My allowance is made up of figures for different thing, like petrol = so much, birthdays = so much etc. So what I am looking for is a greater part allotted to me instead of robbing peter to pay paul so to speak

Bloody hell, I would never dream of controlling my dh's spending down to the x on petrol, y on clothes level. He's an adult, he can sort it out for himself (well, theoretically - in fact I spend all of the money but that's because dh is too ill to leave the house on his own).

Okay, so trying to undermine him by saying 'blah's wife seems a lot better off than I am' isn't going to work. It sounds like threatening to go out to work wouldn't really help because your employment prospects are bit limited anyway? (Sorry - not meaning to criticise, just want to understand the power structure).

So what about feeding him tins of spag whilst you and the kids eat steak?

What a tricky situation - I can completely see why you think a few touches of luxury wouldn't be outrageous. My dad really is like this - won't buy us Xmas presents because he is 'saving' (god knows for what). It can be poison, truly.

Would he consider Relate?

I havent read the whole thread but has anyone mentioned the probable wider issues of self worth and being appreciated. Your husband hardly seems to be around to notice what you wear anyway so if you want to wear designer clothes to impress him he probably wouldnt notice anyway. Do you go anywhere as a couple where dressing up is required, meals out? works do's, parties etc. If you have an image to maintain because of a hectic social life I can see why you want to look nice and feel pampered but if you go and spend vast sums simply to be sitting at home waiting for him to return then it seems a bit vacuous. It would appear that you have low self esteem and need the boost the designer clothes can give you to fulfil a void in your life. I can and do easily live on £20 a week for luxuries for myself which usually involve meeting friends for coffee or treating myself to a lipstick etc. Occasionally I might splash out on something nice but wouldnt have a clue what to do if I was given £500 per month to fritter purely on me. Wouldnt your children appreciate spending more time with their father. For him to spend vast amounts of time at work either means he is incapable of delegation or that work stimulates him far more than you do. For him not to spare his family more than a weeks holiday a year is selfish and inconsiderate. It's all very well amassing this fortune but in reality your children are probably very distant from him and I dont think it sets a good example of a balanced family life. Why on earth would he not want his children to work? Surely the point of their education is to learn to better themselves, to have goals, to have a worthwhile and satisfying career and learn how to be balanced individuals, not just shoved a wad of cash which gives them no incentive to aspire to their goals. Have you ever spoken to your dh and asked him to make more time for you/them? I must have missed the bit where you say you love him dearly, you have a fantastic relationship, loads in common, really enjoy eachothers company etc but on a quick scan I couldnt find any of that there.

I am absolutely stunned at this. Really. How do you tolerate it?

Yes, I guess a lot of it is having a void in my life and therefore I like to shop, and no not for deisgner clothes, he would never be that generous to enable me to do so. He is not around much and plodding in around in a huge house gets somewhat lonely. He is still at work now actually. Yes, I would love a smaller house and a tighter family unit but its just not going to happen. I also believe that a wife should not stand in the way of her husbands work, although I am gettingpissed off at not being 'rewarded for this.

which brings us back to my point about self-respect. you've given him all the power in the relationship for 20+ years, why should he change now? whats in it for him? I mean he has to be able to see that you will remain financially dependent on him for the rest of your life, whether with him or not, as you have nothing in your own name. That gives any person a huge amount of power in a relationship, and for someone as financially centred as your husband means will be a clear sign that you value yourself as less than him.

Maybe instead of money for spends, argue for something that gives you something for yourself - a course in something or membership of an arts group or gym or whatever. Something that gets you out of that big house so he has to start seeing you as an individual again and not just a part of the home.

hope you make some headway. It must feel miserable at the moment, but honestly this seems less about 15% extra cash and more about 15% more self-esteem to me.

Not read all of the posts, but from what I have read, Stressedoutwife - you need a slap!!

Your dh is working hard to provide a safety net for your dc yet you want to eat into this safety net and spend money on what - fluffy cushions and posh face cream???

It is not about how much your dh earns, it is about what he is trying to put away in case your dc fall on hard times.

Wake up to yourself woman, do some charity work, gain some self respect and look around you. Most people would kill for what you are moaning about.

You say you had shared access to the finances but overspent it. So now you have an allowance. Fair enough, if you can't control the money you should not be in charge of finances.

Your husband is working hard, to provide you with a nice house, a leisurely lifestyle, security for your children, and still you want more??

I feel sorry for your dh, you sound like a financial liability.